SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hugs FR. Like I said, it's hard.

One more gentle question: is there a chance you'd look at working on becoming the woman/person YOU want to be? (Gently, your most recent post created the impression that it's all about becoming the woman he deserves. If I'm misreading, big apologies.)

I'm asking because the BS in me is more interested in seeing my WH regaining his own self respect than in seeing him changing for my sake. Because ultimately, having self respect would be a huge help in preventing future wayward behaviour on his side.

Hope this makes sense.

And again, big hugs.

I like your questions cornucopia. They prompt me to self reflect and provide insight from the over side of the pond so to speak so do please continue.

You are right. I need to make myself and my needs a priority as well and in doing so, I hope to be the woman my H deserves. I can tell he’s internalizing things in the same regard to be the man he wants to be but also trying to be a better husband as well.

For years I put my children and my husband above me. And I’m some ways I most definitely created the issues by doing this. When I spoke about this need to find me, foenixRising, not the Mom, the wife, the bad dream chaser, the rule enforcer, the maid, the laundry lady, the playmate, the anything of me before motherhood my H encouraged me to do so but in my own time. My needs of adult conversation, affection, appreciation, self care... they were mine to make and I never did. I tried but they were never a priority bc there was so much else to do. While I did reach out for help and expressed my unhappiness, it wasn’t taken seriously and I started dreaming of a divorce. Literally thinking how nice it would be to only have to clean, cook, care for my kids part time and have a weekend to myself occasionally. I found myself relating to and understanding the moms that lost their shit and left their families. The thought comforted me on my worst days. For two years I tried to hold everything together while it all was falling apart. I expressed all of this to my BS and everytime he’d say he’d work on it and didn’t. I went to counseling, took antidepressants, encouraged BS to come with me and was continuously ignored. I asked for a divorce a year ago. Was told we couldn’t afford it. From there I knew I needed to get my shit together and prepare to leave. Looked for a job... started getting my ducks in a row. Enough was enough. Then the A with BS’s (and my) close friend happened. It’s funny now when I look back... AP’s wife knew things weren’t great. She told AP and through this past conversation about BS texting with AP, I found out BS had also told AP we weren’t doing great. And that is when AP reaches out. He knew that BS and I had not been intimate in years. He knew that I wanted intimacy bc his wife had told him! Looking back I can’t decide if I was just that fucking dumb to really think this A was fate and true love or if in some ways it was premeditated by AP. I struggle with that. And I think that’s the biggest part of me I need to figure out. Like I know how I got there but I’m not sure how I was ok with my betrayal.

But, while I continue to hate what I’ve done, parts of me are glad bc BS and I hit rock bottom and are trying to build back up. And now, BS is supportive of my need for me and makes time and takes over half of everything else so that I can work, I’m back in school, I’m getting out with friends. Now I am still mom, wife, launderer, house keeper, bad dream chaser, all that, but so is he. I’m also Foenix, an artist who makes time to paint, a teacher that works with autistic students, and grad student. Those are things that I want for me and they are now a priority for my whole family. Even my boys have stepped up to the plate to make moms load less so foenix can rise.

I don’t know what will happen in my marriage or that we’ll be able to fix us but I will have myself to fall back on this time if we can’t and I’m not going down without a fight and for the first time I FEEL like my H is fighting too. I reflect back now to how forward I looked (dreamt) to have a weekend to myself if we D. That makes me so sad. I don’t want to ever go a day without seeing my kids and can’t believe I ever thought way. I am much more the woman I want to be today then I was a year ago.

Does that make sense and answer your question? And thank you for the hugs! They’re very appreciated and warm.

I completely understand your situation, for what it's worth. I know the loss of self that comes from being a parent. Having a sexless, passionless marriage on top of that would be unbearable. Life shoved you into a position with naught but bad options, and worse options. Once one begins regretting the decision to start a marriage and family with one's partner, it's just downhill from there. I truly hope you find a way to happiness.

From your description, it does feel like your AP was an opportunist who sensed a chance at some strange and, in premeditated fashion, feigned enough interest to get in. In this way, he would be acting exactly like countless other men have acted over the ages. However, that conclusion is based only on the limited information from your posts. I realize that real life is way more nuanced.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:22 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

I contacted the AP directly.

She was my friend and needed to answer for her part in the affair to me.

She was a "snake" who "knew" what she was doing during the affair but so was my husband and I was still talking to him.

Villainizing and dehumanizing the other person is a natural reaction but it's not extremely helpful.

Going NC is easier for everyone and does help with creating no new hurts but those of us hit with the double betrayal sometimes have to find that out for ourselves.

I hope the AP in your case FoenixRising is more compassionate to your husband than the one in mine was to me. She didn't own any part of the harm she did and gaslit and blameshifted all over the place and attempted to throw my spouse under the bus (since she didn't know I saw all their communication and know that she was fishing and ILY's first and asking him if he would leave me)

All you can do is support your husband in the ways he asks you to - which you seem to be doing. It's uncomfortable for you but it is what it is. Discomfort is where we grow.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 9:10 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

Thank you Butforthegrace, for the compassion. You are so right. Things quickly spiraled out of controlled once I had let them. And I let them by giving up and making the choices I made. I struggle with the old me that created this new world I, we, live in. Part of me hates her, another part is sickened by her, another part feels sorry for her, another part loves her and is cheering her on. There is certainly regret. A lot of regret and it’s hard to sometimes not get lost in that but onward forward right? Learn from what I’ve broken and try to put it back together. Make better choices that I can be proud of and grow from with a held high.

Strugglebus, I completely agree with you. ‘Discomfort is where we grow.’ What a lovely way to say it. It makes the discomfort sound beneficial and with self reflecting I think you’re right on. I do so hope to continue to grow.

IC and I discussed BS’s contact with AP and also agree with you. It’s important for BS to grow how he sees fit and I must support him. She suggested not bringing up AP unless BS does bc NC is important for me. It’s funny. I’ve struggled too with what I would do if AP reached out again to me. The discomfort and distaste I have with he and BS talking has shown me I really do not want to ever see AP again. I wish him no harm, I just wish him to stay out of my life, I’m glad I feel that bc I no longer worry ‘what if he reached out?’ I know I’d tell him to go pound sand. And in that, you’re right again, from discomfort, we grow. :)