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We finished 13 reasons why second season last night. It’s a tough show. I’m thinking the one character who was a lot like AP in high school and when he and BS Became friends may have been what triggered my BS to reach out. This was the first time he’s even discussed AP or shown anything besides anger in the past 7 months. He hasn’t spoken to him since I told him about the affair.

bS told me he was texting AP and writing a long message. I said ok. Do you want to talk about it with me? He said no. I said ok. Well I am going to go up to bed. You do what you need to do. I’ll be upstairs if ya need me.

He came up after he texted and read me the text. He was crying and apologizing to me which I comforted his tears and assured him there was no need to apologize like at all. I told him I was proud of him for reaching out, especially bc I thought he deserved his questions to be answered. He said he’s so confused bc he loves AP but also hates him. I told him that I think he loves him because of all the good he’s done over the past 35 years and that while this mistake is colossal, it’s still the first he’s ever made so it makes it harder to digest. Like he knows AP is not a monster. He’s just a fucking idiot. Then the 3 year old woke up so that was the end of the conversation.

I tried to be as unattached from the situation as I could possible be but internally I wanted to throw up. bS is talking about being friends w AP again and I just can’t imagine how that would play out. I don’t want to imagine it. But my hands are tied. I can do nothing but be here to support him and listen right? And answer any questions.

This morning when BS got up he just left bc he had a tee time to make. I asked him if he heard from AP. He said yes but he hadn’t read it. I’ve been here all day shaking with anxiety and nauseated just waiting for him to come home. I can’t ficus on anything else. I have a paper to write that’s due tonight, I’m still in my pajamas. Why am I such a mess about this? My rational mind knows that there is nothing I can do but be there for BS. My irrational mind wants to run and hide and sleep and smoke 1,0090 coggies and drink whiskey and collapse. Ugh. Today’s a rough day and it’s just reminding me of when I was at my lowest point before checking in to the psych ward. Is that why? Maybe that’s the feeling I’m anxious over? Ugh. I dint know but every minute feels like an hour and I’m so nervous for BS to come home but also want him here now. I’m ready for this day to end.

Words of wisdom or insight anyone?

Your post is laced with how you think AP is a good guy. HE'S NOT. He's anything but. He's the enemy, and you need to realize that very quickly. You guys are playing with fire here. The thought of your H becoming friends with him again is absurd. And if it happens, that will be the end of your marriage bc they won't stay friends for long. The first time your H sees either of you sneak a look at the other, all hell will break loose in his head.

I think you should tell your H that while he's free to contact AP, that in your opinion he is a monster, an asshole and not a friend of the marriage. Because he must definitely is not a friend of either of you.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:30 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]

I told him that I think he loves him because of all the good he’s done over the past 35 years and that while this mistake is colossal, it’s still the first he’s ever made so it makes it harder to digest.

First of all it wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision and in reality ended your then marriage.

No Contact forever is imperative. If you want to have a new marriage.

Bringing the AP back into your realtionship is total folly.

Time for you to step up and say so.

AP is not a nice guy. Far from it. He's a snake.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:18 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]

Oh boy. Well first off 13 Reasons Why is so much harder for me this season than last (sorry, t/j). I think that BH's contacting the AP can lead to massive issues in your M. He may not think AP is a monster, but AP certainly knew what he was doing when you were together. I can't truly see any good coming from bringing AP back into the M. I would tread very lightly here. Just my $0.02.

Do I have the right to even say anything tho about this? I am struggling with that. This is the first he's really opened up about any of it.

Only time will tell. I just have to practice patience.

Of course you have the right. And I think he'd appreciate you speaking up against it.

I am basing this on the men I know. They don’t have many close friends. Women depend on their friends for emotional support and men depend on their wives. They have very few close bonds so If this was a close relationship he probably really misses his buddy. Sadly, the AP isn’t a true friend. Your bs has to deal with huge losses and wants things back like they were.

If you can get you two to MC ASAP do it. You need a neutral party to help with this.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Your BH has questions.

His friend and his wife stabbed him repeatedly in the back.

It is being framed and presented to him as his fault because he wasn’t a great husband according to your other posts.

And you are wondering why he has reached out to his friend?

You don’t control your husband.

You made this man a non friend of the marriage when you chose to have an affair with him.

Let your husband deal with the fall out of your Affair how he thinks he needs to.

It sound like you are struggling- do you have some one in real life who can support you through this new stress?

Also a quick observation- not a criticism but something to think about - you went to bed and left your husband alone while he wrote to AP. Do you often hide away from stressful situations?

There was a good moment there for you to show your BH empathy and sit with him quietly while he processed his thoughts. Maybe next time offer to be there for him.

Thank you golden R. I’ll bring up MC but he’s been reluctant. This is a good opportunity to revisit that.

Marz- thank you for your reply. According to the dictionary mistake means ‘an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong’. Consciously it was a wrong action to decide to engage in. Mistake after mistake after mistake still seems accurate to me. You’re right tho that I do struggle with AP being a monster. I’ve known him most of my life and loved as a friend before this disaster. It’s hard for H and I both to fully hate him but I agree he cannot be inour lives. In many ways I think H is just starting to deal with all this and I’m just not sure I should provide input where it’s not asked of me. I’m trying to not overwhelm him with ‘me’ when he’s trying to figure things out for ‘him’

Barregirl- thank you. I now realize what t/j stands for! Ha! And omg. 13 R W. Did you finish the 2nd season yet? I screamed aloud during the mop part. So crazy. And I agree. Not sure what AP can do to help things at this point. This is just a shitty situation I’ve caused and now need to deal laying in the mess I made.

Cooley I agree and thank you for your input. H is reluctant to go to therapy but I should bring it up again bc I’m too much a part of this to try and be impartial.

Hardy, thank you for reply. I still with H for a while before I went to bed while he was texting. It was quiet and he knew I was there if he needed to talk. I went to bed bc I was doing just as you suggested, “letting him deal with the fall out of the affair as he thinks he needs to’. I’m trying to be as supportive as I possibly can without smothering. I want hm to handle things how he wants to without worrying about me and my feelings. I want him to stay in this marriage bc he wants to. Not because he feels like he has to. So I’m glad he’s attempting to heal how ever feels right for him but it takes a lot of energy to pretend I’m not encompassed with anxiety. But again, I made this bed, here I must lay.

To answer your other question, no I don’t hide. I’m pretty head on and truth be told, I should probably hide a bit more often. I know my H though. I knew he wanted some space that night so I gave it to him. He thanked me later for it.

Update: he came home last night and didn’t say much. Just that him and AP are texting. I said ok. I hope this helps you in what you need. I’m here if you want to talk or for a hug or anything. He told me he loves me. Thanked me again and said this has nothing to do with me. It’s between him and AP and what AP did. I said ok. That was that.

Foenix, very gently, as a BS guest in the WS forum, gently, gently, I'd like to share something I think might help.

So, gently, if you can avoid calling your A a "mistake" in front of your BH, it would assist you mightily in your efforts.

Whatever the dictionary says about the definition of the word "mistake", to this BS's ears (and many other BS ears, potentially your BH's too), the word "mistake" means "I'm downplaying what happened, minimising the pain I caused you, and putting my A on par with forgetting to put on my indicator when turning".

Again, I'm saying it as gently as I can.

Hugs, though - this stuff is hard work and fraught with potholes, some of them semantic in nature.

FR,

I'm with the others who think your BH being friends again with AP will make your life and marriage that much harder. The AP could try to make amends with your BH, blaming you for everything. You call it a mistake, but it was not, you acted upon how you felt. You have a 3 year old child to make a priority. If the AP uses that tactic to get in the good graces of your BH, it could break up your family. Stand up for your family, as the AP does not belong in there. I'm a WH who nearly threw away a wife and 3 kids for worthless ego kibbles, with a different perspective now. I see this as very dangerous for the health of your fragile marriage and family.

If the AP were a complete stranger to your husband, I would be 100 percent suspicious of the situation. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was more of a brother to your BS than a friend. That changes things. I think you've made the right decision not to demonize him.

I also don't think there's anything wrong in telling your BS you're worried rekindling the friendship is going to make it harder for him to heal your marriage. Frame it as your own fear. It will make it harder, but that extra burden might be worth it to your BS.

Very tough situation. Good luck.

Forgetting to pick up the milk on your way home is a mistake.

You made choices.

Over and over again you made choices to lie, to hurt, to cheat, to be with some one other than your husband.

You chose to have an affair rather than leave your marriage

Mistakes are accidents.

You made callous hurtful damaging selfish choices.

You really need to start owning your Affair. You blame you husband and your marriage. You minimise your choices by calling it a mistake and defending your roght to minimise it with dictionary definitions?

You need to actually stop and think about the damage and pain you have caused your husband, your marriage and your family.

Wayward and SI 101: never say the word mistake. It tends to derail threads from the real question. I do agree that you are using the word correctly it just triggers people here and at home.

The OM was like a brother to your husband and 35 years is a long time. While I think it’s a bad idea to have this guy in your life I see your husbands point. I’d probably let it be for now.

Wayward and SI 101: never say the word mistake. It tends to derail threads from the real question. I do agree that you are using the word correctly it just triggers people here and at home.

As Root says, the use of the word 'mistake' always causes strong reaction on SI.

The reason I believe that it is inappropriate to use it in relation to any of these forums is that:

1) The word 'mistake' carries no sense of proportion. It is generic, and the same term could be used for leaving a piece of bread under the grill for too long when you are making toast.

2) It lacks a moral element, or any recognition of pain, damage, or consequences of the action in question upon one ore more victims.

3) In relation to these forums, the appropriate term to use would be 'betrayal'. It is only one letter longer than 'mistake', but look at how much more context it confers to the action of infidelity.

4) If asked to say whether Ted Bundy was a serial-mistaker or a serial-killer, most people would choose the latter term, because it conveys the seriousness of his actions, and the impact of those actions on his victims.

The point here is to show respect for what the victim has gone through by not using a generic term that does not even acknowledge the existence of a victim, let alone the significance of what they were subjected to.

Hey FR. It sounds like your H has some stuff to work through with the AP. Especially if they were that close beforehand. I would say you did the right thing in just being available if he needs anything. T/j again, but I am having such a hard time with this season. I watched the beyond the reasons first (admittedly a bad idea), but now earch episode is more difficult than the last for me. Ugh. I have to keep going though. End t/j. Hugs!

"Mistake" as commonly used includes a sense of inadvertence. You're taking a math test and in response to "2 + 2" you answer "5". That is a mistake. You did intend to write an answer, and you did write "5", but you didn't intend to answer the test question incorrectly. That happened inadvertently.

In a physical affair, a man's dick does not end up inside a woman inadvertently. A whole series of intentional decisions to step over boundaries need to be made by the WW for that to happen. "Mistake" is not even remotely apt as a descriptive word for this series of intentional choices.

On the issue of the word "mistake", I would refrain from its use here on SI. If you and your BH are comfortable using it (my BH uses it all the time), then heal however you need to. But it is certainly a trigger here.

Barregirl- it’s crazy mad effed up but I couldnt stop watching it. I cried a lot throughout this season. Good news is you have a year before the new season comes out so you’ve got time. Watch as you can and report back as you do. Xoxoxo

Cornecopia, thank you for explaining it to me like that. I certainly did not intend to trigger any ill feelings within you or anyone else. I’m still learning here so I’ll will try harder to be more sensitive of my terminology. I am not trying to downplay my cheating, my choices, my disgrace, my disgusting, my betrayals, my wayward ways, slutty actions, selfishness morals, callous ways, or backstabbing capabilities. I’m quite certain of them. I’m trying to figure myself out, to own my shit, to become stronger and learn from this all and to be the woman my BS deserves. Nothing I say is good enough or can make my wrongs, right and I understand that. I will try harder not to hurt kind people like yourself (who are regrettably here as well) by being more conscious of other mending hearts and using more considerate terms

Thank you 2times for your thoughts. It’s nice to hear you’re in recovery. That gives me hope.

Noose- you’re exactly right. It was more like brothers than friendship.

Root, I’m in agreement with you. I am not saying anything about it unless he brings it up. I’m just trying to be there for him. I had thought about saying I hope this helps you find some closure but even that terminology seems loaded bc I don’t want to push him one way or another. I think he needs to go through this w AP. I’ll continue to tread lightly.

MI- thank you for your break down. I’ll try try harder.

Update- not sure how often they’ve been texting or what’s been said still and I’m ok with that for now. Hebread ne the initial reply text that was basically ‘you did nothing to deserve this. I’m shocked at my capabilities of hurt and I’m more than sorry for what I’ve done to you, my BS, our friends, our children but here we are.’ BS can Sense my discomfort no matter how hard I try to pretend all is well so he’s trying to be affectionate and holding my hand, asking how I am, calling and texting, so that is nice and does reassure me that this really is more about him and AP than me right now. I go to my IC tomorrow and I’m glad of that. I guess that’s all for now.

My gosh this is all so exhausting. I can’t sleep enough. One day at a time. Thanks again to those who have taken the time to reply with sincerity and gentleness. Your words matter and I am thankful for the insight you provide.