SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After a 2 1/2 month separation, with a huge blow last weekend I had decided to pull the plug. My wife hasn't cheated since D-day as far as I know. But March 2017 to now has been the hardest year of my life, with her affair, and the death of our daughter, then my wife's emotional break down. These past few months have been really really telling. We got along, and I thought there was a chance we could survive, but I finally realize that I really don't want to try anymore. I do think my wife is an amazing person with major flaws, but there is festering resentment for what she had done. And this may seem selfish, but with her personality disorder diagnosis, I don't know if I have the patience to spend the rest of my life accepting that her personality is just a part of how she is.

We had a huge argument on June 1st which lasted late into the night. Thankfully our kids weren't home. The following day, I told my wife that I couldn't do this anymore. That our separation needs to be permanent. On Monday I consulted a lawyer and Tuesday paid the retainer filed for divorce which she had been served on Friday. She is sad, but she admitted she had seen it coming and just didn't want to believe it. I tried, she tried but it's over.

Hi Surprised

but there is festering resentment for what she had done.

I, and a number of other BH's over here know exactly what you mean. And to be honest, we have all come to realise that in these cases D is in fact best for all. We would otherwise go through the rest of our lives either stuffing it, or subconsciously punishing our WW's.

There is an amazing support team over here.

We are here to support

We have a hearing on Tuesday to establish temporary orders. I'm asking for temporary primary custody with her with generous visitation. I'm not seeking any support as she isn't working. She says she agrees. We talked briefly, but I'm going to buy her half of the house and refinance.

Congratulations on making a decision to better your life.

In my case I also got principal residence custody. For the most part, I think that I do a pretty amazing job of being a single parent, but at times it does get a little overwhelming.

Please learn from my experience and when you begin to struggle with something, don't be too proud to ask for help.

There are wonderful folk out there just waiting for the opportunity to lend a hand

Were going to keep our current arrangement until next week when school is out for the summer. Then I'm am asking for primary custody (Since our seperation in March I've had most of the time, but with this becoming permanent, a more stable arrangement is needed), with her every second weekend, and one overnight during the week. She is going to take them two weeks in August and me two weeks in July. I proposed this to her and honest with what I'm asking. She doesn't have a lawyer and says she'll agree to it, as long as she can still attend all our daughter's appointments as needed.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 5:33 PM, June 9th (Saturday)]

Tough decision, we know. But each of us has known when it was time. I’m glad to hear she is being reasonable so far, and wish you as smooth a journey as possible.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 10:44 PM, June 9th, 2018 (Saturday)]

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your precious daughter.

Been following your story for a while. Smart move you're making imo. I can't see how your pain from her infidelity was going to dissipate to the point that the marriage was ever going to be healthy long term one. Maybe I'm projecting myself here.

When you step back, some of the obvious transgressions make the decision easier. Long term affair, lots of sex and becoming impregnated.....for starters no less. Not sure many men can overcome that. Can't get much worse than actually. Impregnation. That word alone seals it for me. Maximum, permanent, emasculation.

You did the right thing. If she had been diagnosed before she cheated, then you would have already learned how to deal with it. But I completely understand not having the patience now. It is not selfish at all.

Been following your story for a while. Smart move you're making imo. I can't see how your pain from her infidelity was going to dissipate to the point that the marriage was ever going to be healthy long term one. Maybe I'm projecting myself here.

I think in my case I decided to end it while there was still respect for her. I don't hate her. I thought if I ever got to this point I'd not love her anymore. It's quite the opposite. I love her enough to know that this isn't going to work. I don't necessarily just think it's the affair, but the loss of daughter which was conceived in the midst of her affair. There are all these battle wounds. I just want a new beginning and to leave the pieces on the ground and not keep trying to fit them back together.

Next Friday, my wife, me and our eldest daughter at her counsellor advice are going to have a family session with to let her know what is happening. This is probably best considering her emotional health.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 1:11 PM, June 10th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Well, not really. This is the truest to yourself I've heard you sound...well...ever. You are finally thinking about you and what you need. Knowing what that is, whether R or D, is a huge step. Divorce it is. Let your real healing begin. Onward, friend.

We had the hearing which we both attended this morning. We discussed last night a bit more about it. And as I wanted I got primary custody and she gets every second extended weekend Thursday 6pm to Sunday at 6pm, and Every Tuesday from 5 - 8pm. I'll keep the kids on my health insurance, and will keep her on my insurance until the divorce is final. We each get 10 days of uninterrupted summer time with the kids.

We also discussed a settlement.

I'll buy her out of the house, which we have about 20,000.00 in equity, but will have an appraisal done. I've also said I'll pay the remaining year on the loan (mainly because I am the co-signer on her car loan) and pay her insurance until the loan is paid off. Our savings will be split, and we both agreed to keep any other assests such as pensions (she has one, and I have one) to ourselves, and no other debt.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 10:28 AM, June 12th (Tuesday)]

So sorry for all of your troubles.

Glad you are getting out of infidelity.

Hope you do find some happiness in the future.

I'm glad that you're getting sorted.

You've (both) been through the wringer.

Infidelity is such a mind-fuck.

Hugs and peace to you.

MOB

Your WW took you for one hell of a bad ride. I'm glad to see you are finally choosing to get off the coaster.

I hope your WW sorts her life out and learns some better coping skills.

It is never an easy decision. Especially if the WS is showing remorse.

I also loved and still love my now EX. I just couldn’t live with her, or myself after what she did.

It is painful, but life is filled with consequences, and this is one she is going to have to live with.

It sounds like you still have a functioning relationship. That will make things so much better

So sorry to hear. I hope for the best for all involved.

Your kids are lucky to have a dad like you.

We would otherwise go through the rest of our lives either stuffing it, or subconsciously punishing our WW's.

This is the overall reason I filed. I would resent XWW for the rest of my life if I stayed. That’s not fair to me or my XWW. Just like life....all things end.

Stay strong man!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:35 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)]