So, I’m back. Isn’t false reconciliation grand?
I’m writing my story, for me, for my closure. Maybe it will help someone here. I know it will help me.
History:
Dick (not his real name) and I together since 2001.
DDay August 2014 – discovered PA with a bartender for at least 5 months. Forgave too quickly, being naïve and thinking we “did enough” to heal. The first time he was back in our home state in the month of…
March 2015, Dday2 - he was at her house again. But he was just retrieving his necklace he had left there last year.
I think it was this year that Dick lost his job.
March 2015-April 2016 – I handled this period completely wrong. I admit that. I maintained a hatred in my heart, but yet loved him, and kept him around until I decided he didn’t need to live in my home any longer. All just wrong, wrong, wrong. For that I am sorry.
April 2016 – November 2017 we parted ways. He went about his life and I went about mine. He dated his AP from 2014, and one other or more. Frankly it didn’t matter to me. I for the most part stayed alone. I was ok. Made some very stupid decisions for 7 months in that time that I regret, but I have moved on from that phase of stupidity. Dick and I however never really lost contact. He still came and helped me with things, we spent most holidays together. He constantly wanted me back, always apologizing and wishing we could make it work. Long story short and hundreds of conversations later, we decided to reconcile in November 2017. It seemed as if things were going well. We were communicating more. I thought affection and caring was present. We had some sexual difficulties due to severe pain on my end that prevented us from getting as close as we could have. I was happy we were back together and I was content. He expressed no dissatisfaction with any aspects of the relationship. I thought we were on our way to becoming a successfully reconciled couple. He had agreed to transparency of location and access to phone. All seemed fine. I heard no complaints.
March 2018 his location services magically weren’t working like they used to. Phone calls unanswered, etc. We begin to have discussions, and you know, there were always legitimate reasons. Mmmhmmm. This went on through April and May.
On May 22, (Dday 3) location services had him frequently at one location (with my car by the way). So I drove to that state, 3 hours away, called the police, had them retrieve the keys, and claimed my car. Guess whose house? Surprise! 2014 AP. (In good news, however, she has progressed in her career from bartender to waitress now). I came home and packed up all of his belongings that I could, and moved them all to a storage unit, and sent him certified eviction notice (as I am the homeowner), which gives him 30 days to get out (well, get his belongings out, since he was already in the other state since May 18th). A week later, Thursday, the poor couple had a fight, and Dick decides that he wants to come back. He drives brother’s vehicle three hours through the night to come “home”, runs out of gas, I’m not going to leave him stranded, I pick him up. We talk simple chit chat for the next three days, as I was headed on a cruise (birthday present to him by the way, promptly canceled him out and took my friend instead). We were in a limbo state, not knowing what the hell we were doing, and I was not about to address it prior to my vacation. We did keep in contact daily while I was away. I kept the peace until I could figure out where his head was. But I wrote him the following letter before I left for vacation. I think I wrote the letter to help establish my boundaries, finally, and express myself in truthful and unemotional terms, but frankly I also deep down knew he could not commit to most of these things. (Feel free to use it with your WS,,, it worked for me, as you will see at the end of this story).
Dear ________,
I have several things I need to say to you. They come in no particular order.
1) Our relationship will not survive without honesty. Choose to be honest, so you (and I) can come to the realization of how much damage you have caused, and so you and I (together) can begin to heal from your wayward ways, or leave. Any recovery attempts we try will continue to be fake if you cannot give me honesty, and I’m simply not willing to expend any more time where falsehoods, duplicity, affair fog, games, etc. exist. I am willing to hear honesty, and I have the ability to deal with the honesty. It is unfair to expect me to deal with omissions and lies, nor will it allow anything true to flourish between us. I will know if there is honesty or not when I speak to you when I return, if you are still here. It is your choice. Choose to stay and work through this with honesty, or choose to leave. I will be fine either way.
2) Know that I love you with all my heart. I know the good man you can be. I, however, also know the good woman I am. I refuse to be treated in the manner you have treated me. You will fully commit to decency, integrity, honesty, and prove those traits have returned, or leave. I will be fine either way.
3) No contact is a requirement for us to begin to recover. And no contact is for life. You will have zero contact, effective immediately. Any contact to her whatsoever, and there will be no more anything between us except you exiting my life and us moving on. And this comment applies for life of the relationship as well. If you are unable or unwilling to put up the boundaries to preserve and protect what is yours/ours, then very simply I will not be yours and there will be no us. If she reaches out to you, you will tell me. No hiding anything if you expect us to ever regain what we had and build a new, more beautiful, deep, and loving relationship. Your affair and affair mindset is over right now, or leave. If you cannot go no contact, if you still wish to hide things, if you still wish to pine for your affair partner, then leave. I will be fine either way.
4) Read up on infidelity ______. The reasons behind it. The ways to recover. The help needed… I do not need a man in my life who will not put me first and will cheat. If you cannot be this man, then leave. I will be fine either way.
5) Since your return, you have not really even apologized. Not sincerely. Not with true remorse. That is scary to see. There appeared to be so much remorse in 2014 when you did this. Now, I don’t see any. I feel you think things can be back to normal just by functioning day to day. It does not work that way. You sit here and really suffer no consequence. My pain doesn’t even seem to affect you. You don’t want to acknowledge any pain, and instead want to tuck it away in a corner of your brain that doesn’t want to think about it. That’s what feels good to you, but that is not what will rebuild us. I think it is important that you know that this time around, I don’t cry for me. I cry for who you have become. I cry for the life I thought we were rebuilding during your fake reconciliation. I cry because old _____ does not exist any longer. I cry because I know he really existed, but he might just be too far gone now to come back. I cry because I know if I endure one more instance of lying, cheating, deceit, etc, that I am done with you forever, and I will be fine either way.
6) I’m not convinced, at all, that we can recover without us going to counseling. For a human being to consciously choose activities he knows are going to severely hurt his partner, to continue to lie and minimize, to be so selfish, is just so wrong. Inherently wrong. Yet you traded your needs, your fun, your escape…… for my pain. You need to look deep within. If the underlying issues and flaws are not addressed, you will cheat again. Period. You’ve already shown me hurting me has no effect on you, as you’ve repeated your performance. You driving back down here has not changed that nor proven you won’t disregard me again. Without deep soul searching and outside assistance this will not change. If you truly want to rebuild, you will agree to go to counseling. If you cannot realize that through everything, I am still willing to stand by you, to believe in you again, to help you get out of the rut that has become your life, to help stop your downward spiral, to help us recover, and you do nothing to show me that you are helping YOURSELF, then leave. I will be fine either way.
7) All that being said, I know who you really are. And that _____ I love so dearly. I, however, love me more. Perhaps upon my return, you will have decided you no longer want our relationship and you will not be here. Perhaps upon my return, you will still be here, willing to move mountains to get to the root of all issues so we can rebuild, with true reconciliation. If you cannot, my dearest _______, then it is time for you to go, so both of us may begin our new lives. I will be fine either way.
I love you.
I wish I had the knowledge that I have today, four years ago, and would have been able to write that letter then, and stick to it.
He read the letter while I was away, and said he’s not doing this stuff. He is not going to counseling, he is tired of being tracked and controlled, he is not going to go through this for another 2-3 years, he’s not reading any articles I provided because “those people don’t know me”, blah, blah, blah. I respond calmly that is his choice. His response “Damn right it’s my choice”. We proceed to make nicey nice chit chat the remainder of the week.
I return from the cruise today, begin to have conversation about the future, wishing my old Dick was back, but knowing he wasn’t. Dick didn’t even bother trying to have an adult conversation about any of it. No talk, no negotiation, just pretty much “I’m out of here, I’m not putting up with this shit. I’m not going to counseling, etc etc”. I said alright then, be moved out by June 30. We had some other discussions, some reasonable, some not, on my part. I wanted to act 100% with dignity, but I failed. So be it. I’ll venture to say I came in at about 80% dignity. His responses were all said in anger. (Ummm, what’s he mad at me for?) In the end, he packed up as much as he could take this run, and has left. I cried for, oh, let me see, 10 minutes maybe? 20 tops.
I did tell him “You made this easy on me, thank you”, (Because even though he has wounded me so deeply, again, I just couldn’t be the one to end it). “Please move the stuff out as quickly as you can so I can move on”, “I’m prepared to lose this relationship”. I am. Not only am I prepared to lose it, I’m finally READY to lose it. It’s already lost. I needed him to man up and end it. Perhaps now he can feel as if he has regained control. Shall we all golf clap for him now?
Don’t get me wrong. I wish things would have been different. I’ve watched a great man, a loving man, a kind man, a good soul when I met him at 35 years of age…. transform into a jobless, lying, cheating, lazy, user of a person with no feelings whatsoever and no appreciation or gratitude for our, basically, 17 years together… A man who has given up on himself and his life. He wants to be back in his hometown, at 52 years old, because he “likes hanging out with his brothers and his friends…. (the words “and her” I believe were omitted by him, you know, to prevent from causing me any more pain,,,, you know,,, because he’s thoughtful like that).
……“and drinking and having fun”.
Everything I tried to keep us together did not work. I believe, instead of him appreciating the love I was trying to give to heal us so we could rebuild, he got resentful instead. Said I was trying to control him. It is so obvious his perception of me now is I’m the evil one. He does not have the capacity to view it any other way. I seem to be an obstacle to his affair. My parting words to him were good luck, take care.
This relationship ends with me knowing I did everything I could to repair it. It ends with me knowing he is no longer in love with me. It ends with me knowing that I was a critical part in Dick being that previous great, loving, kind man with a good soul. It ends with me knowing he has selected a welfare momma with three children that lives in a rental, while I remain in my glorious log home on 8 acres. It ends with me knowing that if one is not receptive to personal growth, reconciliation will never be possible. It ends with me knowing that this reconciliation from November 2017 forward was fake. It also ends with me knowing……………
I will be fine either way.
Go forth and prosper, Dick, in your trailer.