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Newest Member: Womanmarine

Just Found Out :
Gotta love the false reconciliation!

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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 3:08 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

So, I’m back. Isn’t false reconciliation grand?

I’m writing my story, for me, for my closure. Maybe it will help someone here. I know it will help me.

History:

Dick (not his real name) and I together since 2001.

DDay August 2014 – discovered PA with a bartender for at least 5 months. Forgave too quickly, being naïve and thinking we “did enough” to heal. The first time he was back in our home state in the month of…

March 2015, Dday2 - he was at her house again. But he was just retrieving his necklace he had left there last year. I think it was this year that Dick lost his job.

March 2015-April 2016 – I handled this period completely wrong. I admit that. I maintained a hatred in my heart, but yet loved him, and kept him around until I decided he didn’t need to live in my home any longer. All just wrong, wrong, wrong. For that I am sorry.

April 2016 – November 2017 we parted ways. He went about his life and I went about mine. He dated his AP from 2014, and one other or more. Frankly it didn’t matter to me. I for the most part stayed alone. I was ok. Made some very stupid decisions for 7 months in that time that I regret, but I have moved on from that phase of stupidity. Dick and I however never really lost contact. He still came and helped me with things, we spent most holidays together. He constantly wanted me back, always apologizing and wishing we could make it work. Long story short and hundreds of conversations later, we decided to reconcile in November 2017. It seemed as if things were going well. We were communicating more. I thought affection and caring was present. We had some sexual difficulties due to severe pain on my end that prevented us from getting as close as we could have. I was happy we were back together and I was content. He expressed no dissatisfaction with any aspects of the relationship. I thought we were on our way to becoming a successfully reconciled couple. He had agreed to transparency of location and access to phone. All seemed fine. I heard no complaints.

March 2018 his location services magically weren’t working like they used to. Phone calls unanswered, etc. We begin to have discussions, and you know, there were always legitimate reasons. Mmmhmmm. This went on through April and May.

On May 22, (Dday 3) location services had him frequently at one location (with my car by the way). So I drove to that state, 3 hours away, called the police, had them retrieve the keys, and claimed my car. Guess whose house? Surprise! 2014 AP. (In good news, however, she has progressed in her career from bartender to waitress now). I came home and packed up all of his belongings that I could, and moved them all to a storage unit, and sent him certified eviction notice (as I am the homeowner), which gives him 30 days to get out (well, get his belongings out, since he was already in the other state since May 18th). A week later, Thursday, the poor couple had a fight, and Dick decides that he wants to come back. He drives brother’s vehicle three hours through the night to come “home”, runs out of gas, I’m not going to leave him stranded, I pick him up. We talk simple chit chat for the next three days, as I was headed on a cruise (birthday present to him by the way, promptly canceled him out and took my friend instead). We were in a limbo state, not knowing what the hell we were doing, and I was not about to address it prior to my vacation. We did keep in contact daily while I was away. I kept the peace until I could figure out where his head was. But I wrote him the following letter before I left for vacation. I think I wrote the letter to help establish my boundaries, finally, and express myself in truthful and unemotional terms, but frankly I also deep down knew he could not commit to most of these things. (Feel free to use it with your WS,,, it worked for me, as you will see at the end of this story).

Dear ________,

I have several things I need to say to you. They come in no particular order.

1) Our relationship will not survive without honesty. Choose to be honest, so you (and I) can come to the realization of how much damage you have caused, and so you and I (together) can begin to heal from your wayward ways, or leave. Any recovery attempts we try will continue to be fake if you cannot give me honesty, and I’m simply not willing to expend any more time where falsehoods, duplicity, affair fog, games, etc. exist. I am willing to hear honesty, and I have the ability to deal with the honesty. It is unfair to expect me to deal with omissions and lies, nor will it allow anything true to flourish between us. I will know if there is honesty or not when I speak to you when I return, if you are still here. It is your choice. Choose to stay and work through this with honesty, or choose to leave. I will be fine either way.

2) Know that I love you with all my heart. I know the good man you can be. I, however, also know the good woman I am. I refuse to be treated in the manner you have treated me. You will fully commit to decency, integrity, honesty, and prove those traits have returned, or leave. I will be fine either way.

3) No contact is a requirement for us to begin to recover. And no contact is for life. You will have zero contact, effective immediately. Any contact to her whatsoever, and there will be no more anything between us except you exiting my life and us moving on. And this comment applies for life of the relationship as well. If you are unable or unwilling to put up the boundaries to preserve and protect what is yours/ours, then very simply I will not be yours and there will be no us. If she reaches out to you, you will tell me. No hiding anything if you expect us to ever regain what we had and build a new, more beautiful, deep, and loving relationship. Your affair and affair mindset is over right now, or leave. If you cannot go no contact, if you still wish to hide things, if you still wish to pine for your affair partner, then leave. I will be fine either way.

4) Read up on infidelity ______. The reasons behind it. The ways to recover. The help needed… I do not need a man in my life who will not put me first and will cheat. If you cannot be this man, then leave. I will be fine either way.

5) Since your return, you have not really even apologized. Not sincerely. Not with true remorse. That is scary to see. There appeared to be so much remorse in 2014 when you did this. Now, I don’t see any. I feel you think things can be back to normal just by functioning day to day. It does not work that way. You sit here and really suffer no consequence. My pain doesn’t even seem to affect you. You don’t want to acknowledge any pain, and instead want to tuck it away in a corner of your brain that doesn’t want to think about it. That’s what feels good to you, but that is not what will rebuild us. I think it is important that you know that this time around, I don’t cry for me. I cry for who you have become. I cry for the life I thought we were rebuilding during your fake reconciliation. I cry because old _____ does not exist any longer. I cry because I know he really existed, but he might just be too far gone now to come back. I cry because I know if I endure one more instance of lying, cheating, deceit, etc, that I am done with you forever, and I will be fine either way.

6) I’m not convinced, at all, that we can recover without us going to counseling. For a human being to consciously choose activities he knows are going to severely hurt his partner, to continue to lie and minimize, to be so selfish, is just so wrong. Inherently wrong. Yet you traded your needs, your fun, your escape…… for my pain. You need to look deep within. If the underlying issues and flaws are not addressed, you will cheat again. Period. You’ve already shown me hurting me has no effect on you, as you’ve repeated your performance. You driving back down here has not changed that nor proven you won’t disregard me again. Without deep soul searching and outside assistance this will not change. If you truly want to rebuild, you will agree to go to counseling. If you cannot realize that through everything, I am still willing to stand by you, to believe in you again, to help you get out of the rut that has become your life, to help stop your downward spiral, to help us recover, and you do nothing to show me that you are helping YOURSELF, then leave. I will be fine either way.

7) All that being said, I know who you really are. And that _____ I love so dearly. I, however, love me more. Perhaps upon my return, you will have decided you no longer want our relationship and you will not be here. Perhaps upon my return, you will still be here, willing to move mountains to get to the root of all issues so we can rebuild, with true reconciliation. If you cannot, my dearest _______, then it is time for you to go, so both of us may begin our new lives. I will be fine either way.

I love you.

I wish I had the knowledge that I have today, four years ago, and would have been able to write that letter then, and stick to it.

He read the letter while I was away, and said he’s not doing this stuff. He is not going to counseling, he is tired of being tracked and controlled, he is not going to go through this for another 2-3 years, he’s not reading any articles I provided because “those people don’t know me”, blah, blah, blah. I respond calmly that is his choice. His response “Damn right it’s my choice”. We proceed to make nicey nice chit chat the remainder of the week.

I return from the cruise today, begin to have conversation about the future, wishing my old Dick was back, but knowing he wasn’t. Dick didn’t even bother trying to have an adult conversation about any of it. No talk, no negotiation, just pretty much “I’m out of here, I’m not putting up with this shit. I’m not going to counseling, etc etc”. I said alright then, be moved out by June 30. We had some other discussions, some reasonable, some not, on my part. I wanted to act 100% with dignity, but I failed. So be it. I’ll venture to say I came in at about 80% dignity. His responses were all said in anger. (Ummm, what’s he mad at me for?) In the end, he packed up as much as he could take this run, and has left. I cried for, oh, let me see, 10 minutes maybe? 20 tops.

I did tell him “You made this easy on me, thank you”, (Because even though he has wounded me so deeply, again, I just couldn’t be the one to end it). “Please move the stuff out as quickly as you can so I can move on”, “I’m prepared to lose this relationship”. I am. Not only am I prepared to lose it, I’m finally READY to lose it. It’s already lost. I needed him to man up and end it. Perhaps now he can feel as if he has regained control. Shall we all golf clap for him now?

Don’t get me wrong. I wish things would have been different. I’ve watched a great man, a loving man, a kind man, a good soul when I met him at 35 years of age…. transform into a jobless, lying, cheating, lazy, user of a person with no feelings whatsoever and no appreciation or gratitude for our, basically, 17 years together… A man who has given up on himself and his life. He wants to be back in his hometown, at 52 years old, because he “likes hanging out with his brothers and his friends…. (the words “and her” I believe were omitted by him, you know, to prevent from causing me any more pain,,,, you know,,, because he’s thoughtful like that). ……“and drinking and having fun”.

Everything I tried to keep us together did not work. I believe, instead of him appreciating the love I was trying to give to heal us so we could rebuild, he got resentful instead. Said I was trying to control him. It is so obvious his perception of me now is I’m the evil one. He does not have the capacity to view it any other way. I seem to be an obstacle to his affair. My parting words to him were good luck, take care.

This relationship ends with me knowing I did everything I could to repair it. It ends with me knowing he is no longer in love with me. It ends with me knowing that I was a critical part in Dick being that previous great, loving, kind man with a good soul. It ends with me knowing he has selected a welfare momma with three children that lives in a rental, while I remain in my glorious log home on 8 acres. It ends with me knowing that if one is not receptive to personal growth, reconciliation will never be possible. It ends with me knowing that this reconciliation from November 2017 forward was fake. It also ends with me knowing……………

I will be fine either way.

Go forth and prosper, Dick, in your trailer.

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8183782
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:34 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

I hate to say it but you put more effort into this than he's worth.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8183791
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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 3:38 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

Amen Marz. He used to be worth it. I had to reach my point of peace with the outcome. I'm there. Now just mourning a death really...

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8183792
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mharris ( member #46683) posted at 3:41 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

You have been given the gift of sight. Take it. He is shit. Move on, and learn from this. So sorry you are here.

[This message edited by mharris at 9:42 PM, June 10th (Sunday)]

posts: 3086   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2015   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8183795
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 4:02 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

Huge hugs and I wish you all the wonderful in the future you deserve. Be grateful that you can now live in peace, that you are a decent and beyond kind, understanding person.

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8183809
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Coreofsteel ( member #62501) posted at 4:46 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

You're in love with an illusion. The person you thought you were with is not in existence. Mourn the loss. It's easier than trying to do what you've been doing.

ME: BS. Together with wayward spouse for 4 years. D-Day Jan 24, 2018. D-Day #2 Feb 5, 2018. D-day #3 from numerous other people, March 15. D-day #4 April 9, sex with more people and a hooker. NO future.

posts: 674   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2018
id 8183829
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NorCalLost ( member #63815) posted at 11:24 AM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

God bless you Starzen. I am proud of you for recognizing that you are strong enough to be without "Dick," and that you will be fine without him.

I also understand how you're mourning the 'death' of who he used to be / who you thought he was, because I am experiencing the same emotions. It's hard to accept that I spent nearly three decades loving a man, and six years with a man, who as it turns out may not truly have loved me after all. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone you committed your life to would be capable of betraying and lying in the ways that my STBWXH has.

I wish I could see your beautiful log home. Sounds like my dream cabin in the woods. Take care, be happy.

DDay 4/23/18. Second WH. Second divorce.

posts: 356   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2018   ·   location: from Northern California
id 8183895
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NoMercy ( member #54563) posted at 12:07 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

Glad to hear you're Dickless.

He got WAY too many chances to disrespect you. Don't give him anymore.

Don't cling to a mistake just because you took so long making it.

Some people aren't loyal to you - they are loyal to their NEED of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty...

posts: 3940   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8183911
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undertherug ( member #41580) posted at 12:22 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

You are one strong, amazing woman. And your ex sounds like a 52 year old man child. And with a beautiful cabin with 8 acres in the woods, you need dogs. Lots of dogs. They are more loyal anyway.

posts: 1077   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8183917
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 1:41 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

There's a book, "Marriage on the Rocks; Learning How to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic" by Janet Woititz.

I read it in 1983 and can remember my feelings as clearly as if it was yesterday. Short book, easy to read and I sobbed when I was done. I sobbed because that was when I truly began to believe I wasn't a lazy, no good for nothing, crazy woman. It freed me from my brain freeze.

I think you'd like it.

BW, was 67; now 74; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3246   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8183959
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OneLittleVictory ( member #61821) posted at 1:49 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

All you asked for was fidelity. He was mad at you for not being a doormat, someone he could just control. He was hoping you'd be on your knees begging for his cheating butt. You did a great job of laying down the law. Now you should just go no contact with him forever.

You picked a great pseudonym for him by the way.

D-Day: December 22, 2016

posts: 463   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2017
id 8183962
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Kintsugi ( member #56710) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

It's amazing how many times a wayward shows who they really are, and we love them in spite of it, anyway.

DDay 1 February 2014 - EA (probably PA)
DDay 2 October 2015 - PA in 2015
DDay 3 & 4 November 2015 - 2 PAs in 2014
And probably much more.
Attempted False R - Divorced January 2017 Happy New Year!

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2017
id 8184064
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

Starzen — you go, girl! When you know that you can no longer make excuses for them, it is enlightening, unburdening, uplifting. Doesn’t make it easy by any means, but it provides a compass direction to follow. Now you have your North Star.

I am sorry he was not up to the job of becoming the man he has/had potential to be.

If you want to join us over in S/D, we are a fun and supportive bunch. :-)

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6541   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8184106
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

So when does complete and total no contact begin?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14907   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8184264
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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 11:02 PM on Monday, June 11th, 2018

I'm trying to post some replies underneath some of the responses, but clicking the pencil and pad doesn't do anything. Am I doing something incorrectly or can one only post at the bottom?

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8184390
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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 9:24 AM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

NorCalLost – I’m sorry you are going through the same emotions. I see you have him listed as STBXWH. You are progressing so take solace in that.

NoMercy – I love all your posts. Straight up, no bull.

UnderTheRug – I have three dogs! They are amazing and bring such comfort.

JosieP – Thanks, I will check out the book.

BearlyBreathing – I will check out the S/D forum more thoroughly. Thank you for pointing it out. It did give me some laughs yesterday, especially the section where, instead of writing to an ex, members write what they want to say to the ex in the forum. I definitely had some LOL moments with some of the comments, but yet simultaneously felt sad for all the evident pain behind the words. I’ll have to decide at what point continuing to read stuff is helping, versus keeping me on the painful side of things.

The1stWife – Complete and total no contact – Two contacts by me, one a necessity (?) (Not sure about that now), and one probably a failure. You tell me. This final separation took place Sunday afternoon.

1) The first one went like this… I found myself Sunday night trolling his google activity, just as I would do when together as part of the agreement for transparency on his part. This time pain shopping I suppose, or looking for one last glimmer of hope that Dick would have an epiphany, and quit throwing away a beautiful life, to choose to, literally, go live in the gutter. (That is just something I will never understand…. Throw away a 6 figure lifestyle, with a good, honest, loyal, smart, successful woman, who has repeatedly shown tremendous love and forgiveness (IE, stupidity in hindsight) to go live in poverty??? Because one doesn’t want to, or is incapable of, doing the hard work? Never, ever, ever, ever will I be able to reconcile this in my brain. But I digress…) Regardless of my intent of trolling the google activity, I absolutely know that does not help my healing. So I reset his passwords on his accounts to a general one, and wrote him “I have updated your passwords so you can change them”, and gave him the new password. He said thanks, and that was that. Besides knowing trolling wasn’t helping me, (and because at less than 48 hours in I know I don’t yet have the capacity to NOT look), I also wanted him to know I had zero interest any longer in trolling. To me it was yet another display, to him, that I am accepting of this situation and I am ready to let it go. So if he changed them, I had no ability to pain shop or whatever this stupid need was to look. Well that was useless as of this point anyhow, because he didn’t change them. SIGH. So now I must, and WILL, find that strength to just not look. It serves no purpose, it is a time waster, and it keeps me in the infidelity mindset. It is a MUST NOT DO for me.

2) The second one just an hour ago, as I was raging mad, as it appears to me he took two gifts he had bought me, a watch and a double heart necklace. Now at this point Dick has resorted to stealing stuff on his way out apparently. Now I need to search the whole house to see what else might be missing. Anyhow, I should have just let it be, but instead messaged him asking him if he took them. So failure here.

June 30th cannot come soon enough for me. That is the official day he no longer has any tenant rights, and then I will have peace. Trying to transition 17 years worth of stuff out of the home will unfortunately require some communication. I do know, however, that this communication needs to be business-like and am going to try to make every attempt to keep it so.

As an additional update to my story, to no surprise at all to me, after Dick left Sunday, he stayed at the AP’s house that night. He has made his choice, and although I never will understand it, and yes it is hurtful, I know this relationship is over. Right now I am just in a state of…. I don’t know what state I’m in. I’m sad for the loss of 17 years, but not overwhelming, grief stricken sadness that debilitates. No, just more of a disappointment than sadness really. It’s impossible to understand how someone can change so much. I know he does not deserve me. I am relieved that I do not have to police activities any longer. I am relieved it’s over. Yet I’m sad, and yet ok with, the fact that I care so little now about it. Apathy? Denial? Truly accepting of? Am I going to crash in a couple days or weeks? I don’t think so. The relationship has just run its course, and it’s time to not allow it to infect my life any longer. I can’t fix it, I’ve done all I can, it takes two and he isn’t willing or capable. Time for me to enjoy alone time. Somewhere out there some man is going to get an amazing woman, and when he finds me, he will be very lucky and blessed. That I do know.

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8184624
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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 9:50 AM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

Now have found that he has stolen a diamond necklace of mine, one that I have had for 30 years. He did not buy this for me. I am livid.

[This message edited by Starzen at 3:50 AM, June 12th (Tuesday)]

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8184635
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:38 AM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

I’m sorry for you. You are being dragged down a bad road as he seems capable of behavior that is just awful.

Is he on drugs? I’m saying this not to be mean but the behavior you describe appears to be that of an addict I’m sorry to say.

Which could explain so much. Because the stealing of your jewelry is alarming.

BTW when my H had his A - his behavior was so uncharacteristic I thought he may have started using drugs. He had never done that ever - but the things he was saying and doing was just unlike him.

It is so very hard to watch someone you love make bad choices and spiral downward. You have to keep repeating to yourself “this is their choice “ over and over again.

I think you have been forced into a terrible situation but you are handling it very well. I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:39 AM, June 12th (Tuesday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14907   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8184650
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 Starzen (original poster member #47943) posted at 12:38 PM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

Never ever had he been on street drugs. I don't know what his AP is into, (well I guess I should start calling her the girlfriend now), but I can't imagine he got into bad drugs. More than likely though, it could be pain pills he is using, as he has an extensive old injury that he kept complaining about the pain recently, and I would notice he'd get some friend's prescription pain pills when he could to help with the pain. More than likely though he stole the jewelry to pawn for money, because he has no job, has to file bankruptcy which he has been stalling on for a long time and continues to stall, and has a DUI program to pony up money for at the end of June. This man has done nothing by spiral downward, so who really knows what he is into, besides his constant drinking when away from me. But, there again, I have pointed that out to him as well, told him I believed he had some type of drinking issues.....You know how one has a drinking problem? When drinking begins to cause one problems, simply. It helped enable his affair. It contributed to him wrecking a car. He got another car, and someone hit it, again while he was out and about. He got a DUI. It was killing his relationship. He did nothing to fix it, so all I can do is shake my head and pity him. I tried to help, tried to have him get help, and instead of seeing it as love, he grew to resent me. Oh well, you can't fix stupid. I just cannot and do not care any longer.

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8184671
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Charlee ( member #50386) posted at 1:38 PM on Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

You might want to consider taking items of value that he could steal and move them to a safe location with a friend or storage.

ME: BS, 67
HIM:62
MARRIED: 45 years
DDay: #1 9/19/15
Dday #2 2/28/18

posts: 688   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2015   ·   location: NE
id 8184699
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