SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good news. Found the watch and the tear shaped necklace in my jewelry box that was covered by a bunch of papers I had on top. Must have looked 20 times for these items during various hours, never lifting the papers. My mind isn't quite straight yet. Plus maybe I shouldn't be looking for things starting at 3am......

So it seems he only took the double heart diamond necklace he gave me. Ya know what, take it... It was given to me Feb 2015 and in March 2015 he was at her house again. I never wore it after that so he can have it and pretend it's a gift he buys her.

So on another note, what does it mean when you cry but no tears come? Anyone deal with that during this crap? It's like I feel the need to cry, and my insides want to cry, but no tears flow, and then I'm like "Meh", and I"m over that feeling. This all takes about 30 seconds. I'm getting these waves periodically. Is that how minimal my pain is now, that no actual tears flow? Or my mind is telling me these are wasted tears so don't bother? Or it's just expected sadness but not enough to actually cry? It's bugging me. I feel like I should be having one huge cry but it is truly just not there. Maybe it's just sadness along with resolve?

Well so much for the crying with no tears! The tears are flowing!

Tears because I cannot fathom how (basically) 17 years of a relationship are just so easily wiped away on his part.

Tears because I cannot fathom how people can be so deceitful.

Tears because I will never know what is lie vs what is truth.

Tears because I know him better than anyone, yet he has turned to another to connect with. Tears because I am non-existent in his world now.

Tears because I cannot understand why he is throwing away his life. This makes no sense... she has hit him in public on several occasions. She has hit him in private, as he told me and I also saw the text messages after the fight. She does these things, and he kisses her ass and asks if she "wants to talk". She has put Visine in his drink to make him seriously ill. This is poisoning. Seriously wtf. This is who and what he chooses? I'm ruminating over conversations I saw after I found out he was cheating again. She was apparently messing with another guy, and his response to her "I cannot believe you would hurt me like this. I haven't been hurt like this in a long time. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'm up here for you. I came up here to try to be with you" And what do I get? "I"m not dealing with this shit anymore... I'm not going through this for another 2-3 years". You have a rose, and you pick the thorn??? I don't get it. I read somewhere they pick the relationship they believe they deserve. Man is he in a dark place if this is true.

Tears because I cannot save him...........

Tears because I cannot stand these back and forth emotions. I KNOW he is not good for me any longer, and his behavior was especially atrocious with this fake reconcile, after he witnessed my devastation in 2014 and ensuing depression after that. I still cannot process fully that he is no longer who he used to be.

And she is no good for him, and he is destroying his life, back to his drinking days, etc. He is accepting atrocious behavior from her while leaving someone that has done everything and we used to have a happy life. I wish he traded up! I think I would have felt better! At least then I might be able to understand!

Some days I am strong as an ox, and other days, I"m sad. I should not be sad! All I lost here was a companion.. I'll get another when I'm ready. He lost everything and is going downhill fast.

Tears because he didn't see enough value in our relationship to do the work.

Tears because I'm angry with myself for not calling it quits the first time.

Tears because I'm angry with myself for knowing being done and over with is the best thing for ME, yet being sentimental about what used to be.

Tears because I"m angry with myself for feeling anything but contempt. The old Starzen, many years ago, would have sent you off packing in heartbeat. I feel so tremendously fooled.

Tears because as he was off distancing himself, and finding new "love", he denied me that same opportunity this last 6 months. I'm beginning to think he wanted back because she must have dumped him in October. I suspect this time she must have given him an ultimatum, and he chose the slum life. This will forever be baffling to me.

I seriously need July 1st to come, so I can discard everything of his that remains if he doesn't pick the stuff up. It's just too painful looking at it all. I also need it to come so this becomes truly final. I seriously think that he thinks he will walk back into my life when he feels like it if his belongings are still here. I need to show him that is not the case, and then maybe then this will all hit him and he can finally suffer. I do believe discard day will be the worst day for me, so I have that to yet overcome.

Mornings are the worst. The minute I wake up, I grieve. Then I yell at myself and go get productive with things that must be done. I hope my rant here does not get the impression that I am sitting around wallowing in tears all day. I'm not. In fact my mood changes depending on the hour it seems. I'm sad, then I'm accepting, then I'm mad, then I"m "meh" then I'm sad, then I'm screaming to get some of this emotion out of my body, and then I'm glad. Rinse, repeat. Feels like a crazy train, and then I'm angry that I bother wasting time on most of these emotions, because he truly is not worthy of any of them, but I can't seem to escape the thought that he used to be.....Where did he go?

And now I'm angry I even bothered writing this, because I want him to take up NO head space. I'm going outside to cut the grass.

Sorry you're dealing with this but I'm glad you made the decision now you can start moving on now.

Grieving is a part of it.

Take care of yourself

The roller coater is still there, but different if that makes sense. Different grief, different craziness. But it gets better.

Getting rid of his stuff will help.

You're doing great.

You have such insight into him and his A.

It is so hard to watch someone you love make such mistake. A life changing terrible choice. But you are smart enough to know you cannot change it.

I don’t think this is true love - as much as it is an addictive relationship. He gets some benefit from the game playing and torture this woman inflicts on him.

Like you my H was caught in the drama of two people saying “it’s her or me”. I realize that now. And he would choose and waffle. False R. Continued the A and it was way underground.

Luckily my H snapped out of it and came to his senses.

But it appears your H is do far gone he is adrift. And you have to let him sink or swim. That is his choice.

So sorry for you. But things will get better - once you are away from his infidelity and poor choices.

Google personality disorders; it could explain how he was so great in the beginning and now has totally split and you are the enemy. I think that you're seeing the real him now, from what you described, he sounds sociopathic. Look out for your safety too. In sorry for your pain.

Truly I'm not concerned for my safety. 17 years he never laid a hand on me, and now he is 150 miles away back in our home state with his love muffin, living happily at the bar, jobless, in his lovely new home on Welfare Drive, while awaiting his DUI hearing next week. Unless his family ponies up the money for ARD, which they don't have either, he'll be sitting in jail for a couple days and then will be losing his license for a year.

Although during this reconcile, in April, I did get a "fuck you" from him, something he NEVER said to me in 17 years, and he also punched one of my dogs in the face after it got loose in May. OMG I'm sick writing that out. The things we choose not to face after the fact...Wow.....

He became an angry man during the past several months, but never physical with me. But yea, now that I write those things out, if he does come pick his stuff up by June 30, you're right, I'll be extra cautious and keep a video camera rolling with my phone in the other hand for 911 if I need. I'll give all the guns back last. Who knows, this final loss of truly everything could push him over the edge, as his anger had been more prevalent this last couple months. I don't think it's a personality disorder. I think it's a man who has lost everything and has given up on everything, hates himself, and just lives day to day now. He's back right where I found him actually, same town, with nothing, drinking, no job. Back to his roots after ruining a good life, a good job, a good everything. Tragic.

Put locks on all his guns and mail the keys to his new address BEFORE you give him his guns, so he can't intimidate you into giving you the keys. Have someone there when he comes (preferably a concealed carry permit holder who is packing). This is a VERY dangerous time for you to be with a man like him. Stay safe and stay strong.

Thank you Gunnut for the advice. I first sat here and said "Nah, it's fine, he wouldn't do anything to me like that." Then reality and horror set in that I do not know him any longer, and I cannot sit here and predict/assume any particular response from him! Who knows when he and love muffin will have another fight and he decides he wants to "drive home" again. I'm not taking any chances. All ammunition is now packed up and locked away. I'll move all the guns to another location off site tomorrow. I sincerely thank you. How stupid I sit here still holding any element of trust for this man. You have awakened me to the need for vigilance in this time, not pity, sorrow, concern for him, or anything of the sort. Thank you again.

Did he come and get his stuff? How'd it go ?

Did he come and get his stuff? How'd it go ?

Hey Gunnut. No, he didn't. Now for continued clean out.

One or two words of advice for you....

1

.I'll give all the guns back last.

Do NOT give him his guns back if he has a DUI case pending. If he is convicted, and it is a felony, he most likely cannot own guns any longer, and if you provide them you can (although a long stretch) could be held legally liable.

2. Change your damn locks... This man is in a downward spiral, and clearly has ZERO intention of pulling himself up. You need to maintain a NC policy with him. Use a friend or intermediary do communicate w/ him. Do NOT allow him in your home. Do Change your locks. DO consider getting a home monitoring system with cameras in case he does show up, ARLO is a good one, and it is relatively cheap, and easy to install.

Do NOT think for a second that a man who was willing to punch a dog won't do the same to you when he is desparate, and angry. He absolutely will.

Prepare for the worst, to protect yourself, and hope for the best. Hopefully he is too broke to drive to your town, and bother you, but you never know.

Stay strong, you are brave, and smart, and capable. You will heal from this. You will become even braver, and smarter.