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Your healing from her A is releasing the feelings that come with being betrayed. It's your work to do, and you don't need her input to do it.

Please help me to understand this?

I thought it meant he wanted to go on a long bike ride.

It is pretty much your responsibility to heal.

Your CS can only do so much. The rest is you unfortunately.

There is a YouTube video - called Fault vs Responsibility- by a famous actor and it really makes sense.

Crap happens in your life. Not your fault. But it is your responsibility to heal from it and move forward. For yourself and your family.

It really helped me.

I will watch that video. Thank you for the recommendation

I agree with you first wife. Crap does happen. I am a firm believer in there is joy and happiness along side of grief.

Sisson,

The idea of crap feelings, esteem, shame transference to the BS is an idea I have discussed on SI before. This is a concept I believe to be true.

Now I need to figure out how to extinguish it for good. :)

There is a pattern to the spiral. It always starts with me checking up on the OW. There is a specific reason I did it this week. I haven’t looked her up since my last spiral.

Anyway,

I think you hit the nail on the head. I do not allow the grief. I don’t face the hurt. I use anger. Instead of soothing the anger. Facing the grief. I fester with anger.

My IC told me I was the angriest client she had ever had. How about that? She said anger is easier than feeling the hurt.

I can agree with that. In the beginning the pain was too much.

Last night my husband and I had an angry free conversation. We held hands and I cried. Not sobbing and francfic. But just a release.

My husband said, “I don’t think you want to be Vunerable with me and you use anger to avoid the vulnerability”.

I can agree with this.

You know what. Healing from infidelity is a multi-step process, isn’t it?

Thank you for writing this IWMG.

My IC told me I was the angriest client she had ever had. How about that? She said anger is easier than feeling the hurt.

First, I thought I was the angriest - at least according to my WS. I'll need to let him know that I can be beat.

But yes, anger is a way to mask our real feelings and to avoid them. It is also a way to appear strong and not vulnerable.

May I ask how you felt dispensing with anger and allowing yourself to be seen by your H?

In the moment, I want him to hurt. I want to make him feel small and less. I want to manipulate him.

I also want to preface this with. I am always drunk when I do this. It’s part of the spiral.

I realized I was doing this months and months ago by reading the wayward forum and seeing what their spouses do to them. It was mainly reading the WW and the husbands acting like me.

I stopped drinking hard alcohol. Now, if I “pain shop” before my husband goes to a certain place for work.. I will drink a bottle of wine and it spirals.

Afterward, I feel horrible. I am shamed for treating him with so much hatred and disrespect. Plus it gets me absolutely no where.

I have come so far! And yet this anger issue is here. The funny thing is...I am not angry person!! Never have road rage, I am not a screaming mother, I let the person who has a couple items behind me in line ahead of me.

The constant loop of the VAR in my head. I haven’t listened to it in 20 months!!!! I know it word by word. Fragments pop up all day long of their conversation in my head.

AND!! I cannot understand how two married people walk up to a hotel room with one another. It’s so outside of my core belief system of loyalty!!!! When this thought pops up, I remember what I learned here...”I will never understand it, I am normal”

I am so sick of the VAR!! Sick of it!! My actual husband for the past two years has been wonderful. I finally have a good husband. Finally! Those of you who know my story....y’all know I was in a completely one sided marriage. (Which always gets me when I read about woman who cheat). I NEVER CHEATED!!! So it goes back to. I am loyal.

And then my BIL saying my husband couldn’t change. In spite of me seeing change in my husband. Our children seeing change in their father and my parents seeing change. I didn’t stick up for my husband. I let his brother talk horrible about him and I participated. Not very loyal right? The anger is changing me. It has changed me.

I want to relax and enjoy my husband and my family.

How could I go from being a person who smoothed everything over in a crap situation? and now I have a husband who showers me with love and attention and I want to push him over!!!!!!

I am trying to be assertive and not aggressive. What is the line???

First, I thought I was the angriest - at least according to my WS. I'll need to let him know that I can be beat.

If you are angrier than me....Then this world is in for some problems.

Although in this moment. I am not angry.

When my husband and I talked last night. I shut off the negative voice of “yeah right”. And I allowed myself to think. What if what he is saying is true. He does love me. He let his own insecurities hurt me and he truly does regret it. He says, seeing me hurt; hurts him. What if this is true? Is he actually hurting along side of me? Are we in this pain together?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 8:43 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

In the moment, I want him to hurt. I want to make him feel small and less. I want to manipulate him.

Ah, glasses, much better to find your own great value than to tear your H down.

It's impossible to grow up without taking in lots of 'You're not OK' messages. Our economy depend on people feeling bad about themselves. That's often what makes us buy things. That's usually at least part of the motivation to work.

In fact, however, we're all loving, lovable, and capable.

Glasses, you say you've come far since d-day. I urge you to focus on that. Take satisfaction in the healing you've done. Know that you can continue to heal, and take satisfaction from that. See your strengths. Accept that at least part of your motivation to R is that you're a loving person - and that at least part of your H's reason for wanting R is that you're lovable.

If you see yourself as you really are, I think you'll have a lot less desire to cut your H down or to let alcohol dull your senses. (IMO, drinking in moderation because one enjoys the taste is one thing; drinking to dull senses is quite another.)

As for my bike riding, see Off Topic.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:10 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

Thank you. I will think about this today.

Which isn’t this part of concentrating on myself? Working on me?

Even though I have grown and set great boundaries for myself. I still do not have any of my own goals.

I’ve had so much focus on him, the marriage, and then the affair.....it’s almost an excuse for NOT reaching what I want to!

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:20 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

I want to add. I am so MAD at myself for allowing him to ignore me, and letting him be a complete jerk of a husband for so many years.

I turned a blind eye to it. I put rose colored glasses on. I use this anger as a defense to NEVER accept it again.

You know why? Because the kind of woman I was is exactly the type of woman who annoys me. Letting a man mistreat her. Putting up with bullshit.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:25 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

Glasses- I am ANGRY too. I feel I'm stuck in the anger phase. I know if I want to give R a chance then I must be willing to soften and be willing to essentially roll the dice again as we all know there is no guarantee against future pain/cheating no matter what goes on during R. I've been hurt twice now....two A's (that I know of)....it's very hard not to be angry and to step out from behind my wall. I don't recognize myself. I used to be SOOOOOOO sweet, nice, loving, and positive. Now I am so cynical. Anytime I hear a love story or something similar I scoff at the idea. I NEVER was that way. I want my daughter to believe in love and that she can trust someone to love her and value her, but right now I'm not sure I believe any of it. I am stuck, worried, angry and sad. No matter what my WH does I don't believe him and he is right that he says it is never enough. I don't allow the grief either and I don't face the hurt. I've hurt SOOOO much. I've endured enough! I use anger and it festers.

For example, my WH is out of state on business and I am out of state visiting my family. He's checking in, assuring me, telling me not to worry, etc. but it's not enough in a way. I don't mean I'm anxious, I just mean I don't trust that it will stay this way. What I trust is that this is a man that is willing to KNOWINGLY cause me pain in order to get his needs met and thinking that that will change is crazy! My WH felt he wanted and deserved "both". Well, guess how shitty that makes me feel. Sure, he's home now, but if he had it his way, he would choose "both" I'm sure of it because he claimed at one point that he was "happier" when he was having the A because he had "both". Is he being honest? Yes, I'll give him that, but the topic he is being honest about.....wanting and deserving "both", is disgusting.

Thanks for the post! You got my wheels spinning!

I get the anger sista - I really do. Since I try so hard to let go of the anger in its place is extreme sadness and despondence. I think it is all wrapped around this insight:

He says, seeing me hurt; hurts him. What if this is true? Is he actually hurting along side of me? Are we in this pain together?

My question is does it hurt him for him or does it hurt him for you? And how do you know?

That is where sisoon's comments are so true. You have to know your value and heal yourself first. And the anger you feel is partly due to dismissing your value for so long and accepting less than you deserve. I understand...am there with you. But I see the value of not depending on anybody else to build up your value and your ability to find happiness intrinsically. It is hard - we want our WS's to help us, to hold us up, to be there for us emotionally so we can fall apart and fall into them the way we imagine partners support each other.

This watershed moment is a life lesson to be independent in order to get a better partnership in the long run. It is not the way we planned it and it is not the way we want to be taught but we are here and we can control ourselves and only ourselves.

The hardest part? Letting go of expecting anything and relying on ourselves. I think that it very hard for both parties who as you say, are hurting quite a bit.