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Hi Storm

So the fact of the matter is, she resented that you were working so much and not paying attention.

The right thing to do would have been to tell you she wasn’t happy and that your marriage was in trouble because of it and figure out together what to do to fix it.

My wife once told me she was lonely in our marriage and confronted me with it. It was a wake up call for me, but her giving me that opportunity to fix things with her was a much better approach than f*cking another man.

Your WW didn’t do that. She decided the best thing to do was to have sex with a scumbag instead.

Awful choice.

How does she feel about the marriage now? Is she understanding of the pain she has brought into you? Can she understand what this has done to your psyche?

If you think so, there may be something there to work with. But it starts with honesty.

So get a college rule pad of paper and a number 2 pencil and hand it to her.

Tell her any attempt at reconciliation starts with her being completely truthful and she gets one shot at it. Tell her anything that comes out later will cause separation and eventual D. If she has more to admit, tell her this is it. And warn her that she’ll be polygraphed in the truthfulness of it (your choice if you actually do)

So tell her you want a timeline with each and every day they spent together. What they talked about. What they did, sexual or not, and if they talked about you, in a positive OR negative light.

Then you will decide how you go forward. But if tell her you know there is more than what she’s saying and you need to know it all if you are going to take the next 2-5 years to work on getting thru it.

You being honest with her in this way is the only way to show her how it’s done.

IC for each of you either before you do more MC or concurrently would be the important next step.

Is she now transparent with all electronics and whereabouts?

I wish you luck.

Just one word...POLYGRAPH!

Yea, things don't add up for me either. The one time, that she felt guilty and that it was wrong during (10/25/15) but...they kept calling each other. Any chance the shorter calls were quick booty calls to meet up? It sounds like she didn't mind a quickie across the street while kids took naps, or she said she was running an error, or... T

I'd tell her after all her lies you need her to take a poly before you will start MC. That R is starting over because you didn't know what you were forgiving because she has been lying for the past 2 years. That the poly will help you to trust her again.

You will most likely get a parking lot confession or TT about more than once, a few times... Or a flat out NO I will not take one.

Is the guy across the street married?

PerfectStorm, sorry you are here dealing with this.

I have to agree with the others. Your WW is not being truthful with you. The A went on for that long, the chances they only had sex once are extremely unlikely. Her description is a very common lie told by waywards after they are busted. There is so much bullshit in her story it should be coming out her ears.

1. "She froze". Typically lie. She didn't enjoy it and wouldn't do it again. How come this only happened after penetration, but before that, she was totally into it, wanted him to, clothes came off willingly, etc. Does this make sense to you?

2. She wanted both to confess it was a mistake. If she wanted to tell you when it happened, why didn't she tell you herself when it happened? If she felt so guilty she could have confessed and relieved that weight off of her. She didn't. She is a liar.

3. When she found out about the STD, she blames you. She was hoping you had strayed so she could maintain her lie.

4. Only when you left did she confess, when she had no other choice.

Your WW is only admitting to what you have evidence of. This is a very bad sign. I would bet you my pay check that there is a lot more going on. She is not repentant or remorseful. She is trying to cover up. So, she is a liar and a cheater.

Polygraph is your best option. Hopefully she gives you a confession, but whatever she tells you, unfortunately, you still cannot know if it is the full story. That will take a long time to sort out. You have been dealing with this for 2.5 years and you don't seem to be any closer to the truth. How much longer will you commit to this?

You say she's remorseful. How so? What actions has she taken to show she is remorseful?

Shes not remorseful. Shes only upset that she was caught. Had it not been for the STD she wouldnt have told you.

Storm, I wanted to reach out to you because I am a BS who found out because of a chlamydia diagnosis many years after my WH stopped cheating.

It is absolutely possible for chlamydia to go undetected for a length of time ESPECIALLY for women. I did not find out until nearly a decade after infection.

However, there is an important distinction. By the time I found out, I did not have an ACTIVE chlamydial infection. Instead, I had antibodies to it, which only happens if you have been infected.

One important thing I would immediately look into in your case, which I think will give you an absolutely crystal clear idea of whether she is telling the truth about how long ago and her general propensity for truth at this time, is her medical records. Has she NEVER been on antibiotics since her "one time" thing in 2015? Chlamydia is a nasty little bug that can really do some damage, but it is susceptible to many common antibiotics, including azithromycin, penicillin and its relatives, azithromycin, erythromycin, and doxycycline. So, if she had say, a sinus infection sometime between 2015 and now, and got some antibiotics, like a Zpack (azithromycin), she would likely NOT have an active infection unless there was a NEW exposure.

I'd also suggest that over 2 years is a LONG time for her not to have any symptoms. Chlamydia is, indeed, known as a silent infection. But, that is because the symptoms are rather ambiguous, not because it does not cause them. Has she complained of yeast in the last two years? Chlamydia is often mistaken for yeast. Also, it does not lay "dormant" and inactive. Rather, it slowly travels up the female reproductive system, wreaking havoc as it crawls up, causing what is called PID. Has she complained of lower stomach pain? Chlamydia inflames the uterus and can cause it to bloat with fluid or gas. That is what happened to me. I thought I had a severe stomach bug, not knowing I had been at risk for an STD. Only AFTER I found out that I had been infected was I able to put it together.

Sadly, I think it is very unlikely that it was one time or even one person. My WH SWORE that it was only one person, one time, with protection. I wanted so badly to believe him, especially in the early days. But, as the immediate trauma wore off, I realized how very unlikely that was. I began digging, and the awful truth was revealed. Multiple affairs, with multiple people, and inconsistent, at best, condom use. Is it POSSIBLE that you wife is telling the truth? Yes, but statistically improbable. Cheaters lie. Most of us BS are trickle truthed (that means it slowly comes out over time as we dig and dig and the WS realizes they haven't covered their tracks well). I think it particularly unlikely your wife is telling the truth. Chlamydia is common but still statistically improbable that it was caught one time from one person).

I am so sorry you are going through this. Reach out to me if you like.

She May be admitting to the sex with the one AP to keep you from digging and catching her with other guys. This dude might not be her only one. That's exactly what my husband did. And it was just friends, then just kissing, when I found evidence, then just twice when I found definite evidence of intercourse. But he admitted to it because he wanted me to stop looking. This is not unusual. DIG and polygraph.

Man how fucking shitty that she tried to peg YOU as a cheater after lying her ass off for years. That sucks but unfortunately isn’t all that surprising.

I’m going to be the odd one out and believe her story. This is the USA, where people walk out of a car crash and refuse to go to a hospital because of health costs, after all.

So, yeah, I am going to believe her story that it ended. Would it matter if it had been many times, without protection, with her full enthusiastic cooperation? At least it was an EA, which is as bad as a PA. Whatever her story, let’s believe the sex part.

What are your boundaries? Do that little trick with the pen and paper, asking her to write a timeline and all the details of all the encounters that she had. Ask her to identify the people that knew about the A, those that encouraged it, those that knew but smirked at you behind your back. Demand that she cut ties will all of those.

She cried back when you insisted on something foul going on… and then she tried to pin the STD on you many years later. That’s bad.

Get her to write the timeline. Read about the 180. Ask her to open all her devices to you. Ask her to go to IC, and you go to IC as well, because now it is all about YOU taking care of YOU.

She might want to R. Only time will tell.

Do take care of you now.

PS: Don’t leave the house, and do talk to a lawyer about your rights and your obligations. If you leave the house, it might be construed as abandonment. So, stay in the house.

Sadly, I think it is very unlikely that it was one time or even one person.

Yup, yup, and yup.

You need to be realistic. She's been OH so 'remors3eful' and working 'so hard' in therapy for 2 years - all while lying to your face every single day. She would have taken it to the grave with her - lying to your face every single day for the rest of your life - if she hadn't likely gotten this from someone else much more recently.

You can't believe a word out of her mouth. She's already PROVED to you what a colossal liar she really is. And her tears are for herself. If she had ONE iota of empathy for your pain, she wouldn't have lied to your face every single day since 2015. Who the hell is she kidding?

She wouldn't know what remorse IS if she fell over it.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 4:40 PM, June 22nd (Friday)]

If you want to forgive your old lady don't you want to know what you are forgiving her for?

Hardroadabout has it right. Plus, we can wax and wayne about whether it's likely she's had it this long or not but the truly remarkable thing is that you tested negative after 2.5 years of unprotected sex. So what's the chance that you have a WW who lies as much as she does, has been completely symptom free for years, hasn't taken even one Zpack this whole time, AND has some how not managed to pass it along to you? You would basically be a lottery winner if that were true. Consider a photograph.

Don't know if you are still here. This kind of thread always gets the juices flowing.

The reality is that from what we know so far she is following the wayward dance so eaxactly whe could be a rockette.

Freindship to ea to ons but she hated it. Next on the hit parade will vary, but usually includes multiple times over a long period of time, photos and videos, professions of love etc.

The one constant is that it is always your fault somehow.

Some of the posters here seem to think that she had multiple As. Is that likely, no but it happens. However, the late std is very suspect.

The real,issue here is the 2 years and then some of lies. Lies by word, by deed and omission. This is a massive FU. So you have every right to disbelieve every word she says. Whatever she says, the worst lie is that she loves you. That is what you are rightfully feeling.

Can you get to a good place again with a backstabbing liar. Sure. It ain't easy and will take years.

If you are up for that this is the place to help you.

If not, you will know eventually, and we can help.

In the meantime, read. Read here, read books. And keep showing up. Here, ic, wherever. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The high tea priority now is not your used wife, not the M, not the house payment or the job she has or how she is suffering.

The high priority is your well being. We can help with that too.

Finally, do I understand the om lives across the street? That is a special category of betrayal that will need serious triage.

Keep talking here and read. Read.

I’m sorry you’re here.

You should require a polygraph if you want to know the truth or if you plan to stay in the M.

I really doubt half of what she’s told you is true. Cheaters cheat and lie.

Wish we could get rid of these plagues!

Glad you're healthy. Take care of yourself, this is tough stuff to live with. I still haven't gotten the whole story and doubt I ever will.

She took him up on his open invitation to stop by when she could get free. She did and the class act that he is had his couch bed open and waiting.

She claims that she was only staying for 5 minutes but after she sat down on the comfy couch bed he kissed her, told her he wanted her, she told him the same, and the clothes as she says, "came off without hesitation."

She still insists that it was that one time and that it was never her intention to have sex with him that day.

PerfectStorm153

Would you buy the following from me if I told you?

I never intended to gamble. When I walked into the casino there was a man standing next to a roulette wheel. He asked me if I wanted to place a bet. I said “Hell yea” and my wallet "came out without hesitation." I had no intention of gambling when I walked into the place.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:53 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]

Often times once they get away with it once it happens again.

They don’t tell us the truth as they feel we would leave immediately. So it is about trickling outbthe truth which is more painful.

In my opinion, she may not have gotten it from him but a subsequent partner. She is classic. Regretting getting caught, not remorseful, to busy saving herself by blame shifting and gaslighting.

You may be able to reconcile if she gets real serious real fast. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. She needs to write a full time line. She needs individual counseling. Marriage counseling won’t work until she stops lieing.

I am thinking the same as everyone else. Polygraph time.

Two main questions and other minor ones

1) How many times did she do it with him ?

2) How many other guys were there ?

Then have a time to include what she did with him, when she did it and so on.

This is probably deeper than you is telling you. She is minimizing and with this guy living across the street, easy access