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So I'm having a hard time dealing with anxiety. I had anxiety before the A but now its through the roof after telling my BH and beginning the recovery process. It seems like every little thing reminds me of parts of the A.

A lot of the time I spent with AP we listened to music together, and now that the A is over there are a lot of songs that remind of AP. When I hear them they make me want to throw up, but sometimes they are songs that my BH likes as well and I dont feel like I can ask him not to listen to them because they make me uncomfortable.

Another issue I'm finding is with certain items of clothing that I have. I tore up and threw away most of the things I was wearing when anything physical happened, except for one pair of pants because I couldn't remember for sure until recently and they are the only pants I have for work. But now I see anything I ever maybe wore when AP and I were hanging out and I wonder if I should throw all of that out too or if I'm being ridiculous. I'm nit exactly in a financial place to start throwing out all of my clothes.

Does anyone else feel like they get triggered by everything that reminds them at all of AP or the time during the A? Or am I being crazy?

Hi there blackbear45,

No, you're not being crazy or ridiculous. It's really normal to have loads of triggers so early on in the healing process.

Although I didn't do it right away, I eventually did throw out or gave away everything that had to do with or reminded me (or my BS) of the AP and in retrospect I wish I had been able to do it sooner because having that stuff around slowed down his healing and my healing I'm pretty sure.

Your brain has neural circuits that are activated when you think about AP (especially if you have any residual positive feelings about him or the things you did together) and those visual reminders just activate the circuits and keep them alive. Getting rid of them will help reduce the activation of those circuits and is a powerful symbolic gesture that you're cutting ties completely.

Talk to your BS about the music and let him know that some of those songs trigger you and ask him if he'd like to know about the triggers or not. Does he know that the music you're referring to is something you listened to with AP?

Also, do you still work with AP?

No I don't still work with him. He was fired about a month or so before I told my BH about the affair. I havent had any contact with him since I told my BH, except for one time when he came into my work to see a different coworker that he is now dating. I didnt talk to him at all on that occasion, and left work as soon as I could before he could try to talk to me.

He doesnt know that some of the songs are things I listened to with AP,and I dont know how to bring that up with him.

I wish that I could just throw everything out that reminds me of him. Shoupd I tell my BH that I need to buy new clothes? I dont want him to think I am being selfish during a time when I'm trying to help him heal :/

You might consider having the stop sign removed from this thread and letting some betrayed spouses weigh in. They might have a better bead on this than me as a WS. If you want the stop sign removed, just say so and I'll ask the mods to take it down for you.

For myself, I think you have to go with authenticity. Did he know the reason you got rid of the stuff you've already gotten rid of? Why not give him a window into how you are thinking and feeling. Why not give him a say in the matter? What is preventing you from bringing him into the loop on this?

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 10:37 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

Sure, lets remove the stop sign. I'd love to have different peoples opinions on this.

He does know the reason that I got rid of the things that I have. I got rid of them in part because we discussed it and decided that it would help both of us heal.

I actually talked to him about this last night, and he said that I can get rid of things if I need to but that triggers were still going to happen and I need to find a way to deal with them.

Id love suggestions on how to do that because I honestly dont know how.

I work with a bunch of social workers and when it became clear I was not functioning well due to my affair, I finally confided in my boss, other wise I was worried they were going to think I was a drug addict.

One of the most powerful things she told me was that we all have channels playing in our heads, it plays the same thing over and over again, and we have to learn how to change the channel.

One day I was in the car and a trigger song came on, and her words CHANGE THE CHANNEL popped into my head. It was really that simple. So for about a year I would change the channel, and if it was a song everyone likes, I just said sorry, I don't like this song, and I changed it.

I threw out ALL my clothes, underwear, bra's that were involved in my affair. I threw out lotion, shampoo, hair spray. I even changed my hair salon because the shampoo they used gave me a massive trigger.

If you want to start to heal, change the channel. It helps, a little by little it won't trigger so much, now I can stand a song and it's ok. But until you get there, be okay with making the changes, that is your path forward to healing.

blackbear45,

I am pretty sure if your BH knew about your feelings about those songs and why you feel that way he would probably not want to hear them anymore because they would now have a different emotional attachment.

I removed the Stop Sign for you

Blackbear: the most fundamental bedrock requirement for successful R is absolute transparency, from both sides. Fearless emotional transparency. If you are feeling triggered, you should tell your BH, and by the way your BH should also do likewise. This is often difficult because discussions of triggers evoke unpleasant thoughts/emotions. So people hold them in. This is why both the WW and the BH need to be constantly asking the other and encouraging the other to share.

My husband sharing his own triggers was a huge step forward for us.

Music saved my life so... no way I could handle knowing my SO listened to music that I love and shared with her, with her AP. I am a musician though, so already being knocked off balance by affair... that added info would cut too deep and tip me over into a neatly prepared noose.

Feel your SO out and choose carefully.

I wish you both peace.

*double post*

[This message edited by cursed at 1:06 AM, July 1st (Sunday)]

Hi Blackbear.

I am a BS, I thought I would share my thoughts with you. Can I ask what feelings are triggered when you hear one of your cheating songs? What feelings arise when you have to wear clothes you wore when you were with your AP? You have not made it clear in your post what the triggered feelings are.

Do you feel for example; sad because you are no longer together, do you feel that you were used by him so the songs were not as meaningful to him as they were to you? Or do you feel shame and guilt because you now know it was wrong?

As a BS I have many very powerful, crippling triggers that produce vivid images of my WH with his AP and cause me immense pain.

I think its important to identify what you feel about your AP and your infidelity.

I have found with my own R that absolute honesty from both parties is required. I want to help my husband heal and he wants to help me heal.

I would want my WH to be honest and tell me he is triggering, I would hate to think we were sitting together and he was thinking about AP without telling me, that would be another betrayal for me. I want absolutely no secrets, nothing still hiding in the shadows, I want to have lighted up the whole affair so there is NOTHING which is still a secret between AP and BS, nothing still lurking in the dark. If there are still secrets I feel as though she still has power over my Husband. I wanted my BS to betray her trust and tell me EVERYTHING, so she has no more power over me, she could never contact me and tell me new information because he has already told me everything. He has no loyalty to her anymore his loyalty is to me and his family.

If you love your BS then you must turn to him for help and support to get you through this very difficult time. People on here don't always agree with me, but I really understand that my WS was sick during his infidelity. He was hugely depressed, insecure, low self esteem, lonely, the list goes on. He was a broken person cheating with other broken people. Our R has been as much about me showing him unconditional love and support to nurse him back to good mental health as it has been about him taking responsibility for his actions and reassuring me constantly throughout each and every day that he is safe, he is there for me when I need him and of course he loves me.

He has proven from D-day onwards that the OW meant nothing to him and I am the most important thing in the world to him.

If you love your BS then let him know you are in it together, you are both suffering negative emotions because of the destructive, dark energy of the affair. If he truly loves you, he will help and support you in ways you could never believe a person would. If he stays and wants to help you recover as much as he needs to recover then you have one incredible human being for a H.

If you still have feelings for the AP and your triggers are upsetting because you are pining for him then you still should tell your BS. He has the right to know the state of his M and chose how to work through it. He may stay, or he may decide to find a woman who wants him for who he is and D you. But that is HIS choice and after everything you have put him through, he is now free to make an informed decision.

I hope things work out well for you.

. Can I ask what feelings are triggered when you hear one of your cheating songs? What feelings arise when you have to wear clothes you wore when you were with your AP? You have not made it clear in your post what the triggered feelings are.

I guess the feelings that come up are mostly shame and regret. I hate what I chose to do and I wish that I could erase all of it. There's a lot of sadness that comes too, because what I used to think of as happy memories are now painful and disgusting. The whole time those things were happening I was tearing a hole in my sweet husbands heart.

I want to tell my BS every time I have a trigger and every time a specific memory is bothering me, but he gets so upset every time I mention any detail of the affair and asks me why I brought it up again. From the outside it looks like I'm in much more pain over this than he is, but how can that possibly be true? Every time I ask him how he is feeling he says he is okay. The last time I brought up a trigger he basically told me to do what it takes to get over it and stop bringing it up to him because he's not my emotional lifeguard.

So now I feel like I'm having to fake not being anxious and not thinking about the affair because thats what he wants or needs me to do. The problem is I can't stop thinking about it. Even when I'm relatively happy it is always in the back of my head.

Witholding all of this information feels like lying all over again to my BS.

Hi Blackbear

I don't know how in touch your BS is with his own feelings, he may be trying really hard to keep it together, he might be frightened of emotional outbursts and not being able to control his own outpouring of emotions if he allows his feelings to surface. If he is not dealing with his own emotions then it would be impossible for him to deal with yours. Have you had IC or MC, any thing that helps you both express and explore each others feelings.

Does he say he loves you, is he hurt, is he wanting to try R?

Do you love him, do you genuinely feel sorry for his pain, do you really want to R.

R takes two committed partners who are willing to spend at least a year doing everything it takes to try and save their marriage, restore love, trust and hope.

It is not easy, but if you truly love each other it is without a doubt the best choice.

You have to show him with your actions as well as your words that you absolutely love him, have chosen him and are truly sorry for breaking his heart.

Ps I am 18 months into R and everyday is a recovery day, i feel like the rest of our lives will be R so a year is just an idea to at least come closer to a decision about whether it can work.

[This message edited by heartinrecovery at 3:10 PM, July 1st (Sunday)]

I always (I think it was 'always') appreciated my W's sharing her triggers. Often she wanted me to change my behavior - turn off a TV show/movie that bothered her - and I didn't like that at all, but I was OK with knowing that she triggered, and I was OK with her leaving the TV room, for example, to take care of herself.

Leaving the room with no explanation would have been pretty bad, now that I think of it.

We weren't flush with cash, either, so we were judicious in throwing things out, but most stuff W wore during the A went into the trash. We kept some things used during the A because I liked them, and W didn't throw any decent jewelry out. I think we also kept one or 2 things used during the A because my W really liked them, but I'm not sure about that.

IOW, I can understand keeping one good pair of pants, if your H agrees that he'd rather you keep the pants than buy new ones.

We got rid of one car - boy, I still love that car - because she did sexual stuff with ow in it, but I just had the other one detailed. I just didn't think we could afford a new car, and besides, I didn't want to have to go through a search again. We went from 2 cars to one - W had to live with the inconvenience. Me, too, of course, but I had first dibs.

heartinrecovery we go to MC every other week. Its been really good for both of us to express our emotions, I just feel like every time we work through one issue another one crops up. Usually because I remember a new detail that will drive me crazy until I tell him about it and we work through it. It feels like my brain is trying to come up with some part of the affair bad enough for him to leave me, because that is what I feel like I deserve.

As far as my BS goes, he told me he loved me still on D-Day and has not stopped telling me that he loves me no matter how much talking about the A hurts him. He believes in us, that we can reconcile and have a strong relationship. I believe that too but am riddled with anxiety that he will change his mind or that I will never be able to respect myself again.I hate that Ive hurt him in this way because of a multitude of very selfish choices.

I am willing to do whatever he needs to help him heal. I'm just finding it incredibly difficult to understand that what he needs from me is to NOT talk about it, to let him bring it up on his own time. At the same time I dont want to fake like everything is fine because that seems like lying to protect his feelings, which is something he specifically asked me not to do.

BS here ... you don't have the stop sign so yes ! It's normal and helpful to throw away any stupid things related to the A. In my case, he brought the AP to our house while i was away with the kids. He wanted to hide it but i figured it out. I litterally thrown everything away from the kitchen to the bedrooms. I gave him 1 year to sell the house but he did not so i am presently hiring people to demolish and rebuild new kitchen, new bathroom ... i will cleanse the house before we sell it. It's disgusting to me ! Your husband will be pleased if you tell him these things bring you bad souvenirs ... i am pretty certain he won't like those songs as much as before. Everything has to be rebuilt, that's the difficult part of R ... very difficult in my case.

[This message edited by 2017 at 6:10 PM, July 1st (Sunday)]

I am willing to do whatever he needs to help him heal. I'm just finding it incredibly difficult to understand that what he needs from me is to NOT talk about it, to let him bring it up on his own time. At the same time I dont want to fake like everything is fine because that seems like lying to protect his feelings, which is something he specifically asked me not to do.

I suggest telling him this and asking him what he would like you to do.

I found in my R that i was the one who broke down emotionally, I was the one who couldn't function because of the amount of pain. My life virtually came to a halt and it has taken time to find balance again.

I have always been a deep thinker and a person who very much follows her heart, i am heart centred!! My WS on the other hand has avoided dealing with his emotions all his life, he hasn't learned to communicate emotionally and is only now learning the vocabulary needed to express his feelings, he is a 'Mind Centred' being.

Because I was emotionally broken after discovering the A, I think one of us had to be strong, to be a rock in the stormy sea and this was my WS role. If he had broken down as severely as me then we would have been unable to support each other. I am now feeling stronger every day and my passion for life is returning, he is now feeling more able to share his feelings of guilt and shame with me because I am in a better place to listen to him and support him with his triggers etc.

I wonder if you are the more thinking and feeling person in your relationship, if so you are connected to your feelings and want to feel understood by him, you are wanting to reconnect with him emotionally and you are checking if, despite the awful pain you have caused him, he is still there for you and still loves you.

If you are a thinker and a heart based person I can imagine that you must feel absolutely terrible for what you have done. Infidelity is awful, there is no getting away from it, it is disgusting to be so selfish, but that doesn't mean that you are destined to be terrible for ever, use this as your turning point and work to become an incredibly honest, loyal, reliable person who would never dream of cheating anyone ever again.

Decide who you want to be and become that person. Promise yourself and your BS that you are running a million miles away from the person you were and going to spend every day working to become a better person.

The focus needs to be on your husbands healing right now, keep your mind focused on how you can do things every single day to let him know that you love him, put your energy into spoiling him, care about him first and chose new songs that are R songs particularly for you and your H, you have to build a new relationship and learn everything you can from one of the toughest life lessons you will ever have, infidelity!

Maybe show your post to hubby and see if it helps start a conversation between you both.