SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks Riding it out. Great post. As it turns out, I think that this was something I needed to hear and learn as well.

1) I did not confess to my husband.

I told him that I felt in love with the AP.

I neglected him, I disrespected him, I ignored him, I denied sex .

My husband during those 5 months of the affair tried to get me back by taking me to dates, sending me text messages full of love and I chose not to see them the way I was supposed to

I chose to see the short messages from AP saying I miss you, I love you, you are special, and I replied to those.

During my affair these dates were involved, xmas, my birthday, my husband birthday, my kid's birthday, San Valentin, he keeps saying that I didn't leave any thread of the rope to hold to.

I think you have a good handle on the significance of damage you caused. If there was a 10-point check list for the worst case scenario a ws could impart upon their spouse, your affair checks every box, plus some. He's emasculated by every sense of the word. Only time will allow him to heal himself. You will have to ask him what you can do, but I would be pissed at the fact that you are even asking, but that's me, not him.

Cerda,

You can recover from this. Your husband can get over this.

My WW checked off all the above list and then some too. I watched her get in her car and drive off to spend the day with the OM. It's a much, much longer road to healing. Kind of like not only being stabbed but developing a multi year infection to go with it. All of the lies and manipulation and deceit and failure to stop and respond well at DDay sets his healing back years.

So here I am nearly 5 years after DDay and guess what? I love my wife. I'm staying with her. She's grown and becoming a better person than she's ever been. BUT, I woke up at 3am this morning thinking about the affair. It will burn deeper and longer because of how you responded initially.

But that does not mean it's impossible.

You can do it. You can impact his decision. Not by lying, not by manipulating, not by giving half truths, not by avoiding the issues...

You need to show him now that you are 100% in now. That you will show him you are steadfast, from this day forward, and will be the wife that is true. Show humility. Show contrition. Show him your looking into yourself to fix what was broken. Do it not to save him, but to save yourself. Your creator is expecting you to work on yourself, so do it for God. Your husband will notice.

Let him know it will shatter you if he divorces you, but that you understand if he must and accept the consequences that you deserve. But that you hope to show him and God that you will fix yourself and be a humble, contrite, respectful wife from this day forward.

You and your husband can recover from this. Maybe not ever 100%, but enough that it's better than divorcing. That is the case for me, about 60% recovered and getting bit by bit better most days.

Good luck and be your best self going forward.

NP5

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 9:57 AM, July 9th (Monday)]

Cerda, I hear a lot of raw pain in your posts, but I also hear a lot of transparency and honesty, which are the building blocks of successful R. I don't hear blame-shifting or playing the victim or any of the multitude of other immature wayward stuff we hear on some other threads.

I wish you the best of luck. I think you're taking baby steps in the right direction. Don't stop fighting for your truth.

Cerda,

I can't find them, but maybe another member can search for them and post a link (I don't have search privileges yet).

In the WW two topics by MrsSouthAfrican and in the Just Found Out one topic by MrSouthAfrican.

They might shed some light on how you can fight for you marriage. They are still getting divorced as the marriage is dead, but will more than likely start dating after the divorce and potentially marry again in due course, starting a new marriage, but it is something MrsSouthAfrican fought tooth and nail for and MrSouthAfrican actually states this as well.

Goog luck.

Consistency from my fWW is what has kept me going on with her.

In the WW two topics by MrsSouthAfrican and in the Just Found Out one topic by MrSouthAfrican. They might shed some light on how you can fight for you marriage. They are still getting divorced as the marriage is dead, but will more than likely start dating after the divorce and potentially marry again in due course, starting a new marriage, but it is something MrsSouthAfrican fought tooth and nail for and MrSouthAfrican actually states this as well

There are numerous ww who found it in their hearts to become remorseful and determined to win their husbands hearts once again. Here are the links to three

CantSleepCantEat

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=608961&AP=1

MsWalloped

http://www.f.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617982&AP=1&HL=

MrsSouthAfrica

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617861&HL=62465

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=621793&HL=62465

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=622219&HL=62465

Cerda:

I just posted in the reconciliation forum a story of mine that may apply to your situation, so I'll post it here. Here goes:

I was once hired for employment because I called the hiring manager at 8:15 AM, everyday for three weeks after being interviewed, which is when he asked that I call him starting 3-4 days later. I waited the three days, and started my daily calls

I wanted the job and was going to keep calling until he told me to stop. Even then, I would have just given HIM a break and continued a few weeks later.I didn't have to do that though, because he hired me solely on my persistence.

He said, I wasn't qualified for the position, but he never told me to stop calling. He was expecting me to just stop and go away. I never went away. He later told me he would literally look at his phone at 8:15 AM and wait to see my name come across the phone screen and not answer it.

He hired me because he concluded even though I fell short of what he wanted, that my WILL to get the job was a desirable character trait that had value, and one that would never get style points, would be seen on a resume or experienced in an interview, but nonetheless is an important quality for success.That job placed me on the career path that helped shape life for years.

Just keep at it and ignore any comment from him that saps your spirit. Just keep your nose to the grindstone. Some of what he's talking about might be prideful hurt. His comments are his pain talking, not necessarily his heart or head. Possibly, but not necessarily. Your diligence can be a deciding factor.

[This message edited by Jorge at 10:27 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

Thanks everyone for your supporting comments.

Cerda:

I congratulate you for telling your story, taking responsibility and actually caring about how it has destroyed your husband.

I am nearly a year out. Her affair allegedly began on July 20, 2017 and Dday was September 6, 2017. During the last 10 months she has taken zero responsibility for any of her actions. To her it was simply asking God for forgiveness and telling me that I must instantly forgive her because God already has. I call bullsh!t on that.

But I am encouraged by your story. Regardless of all the details of infidelity in anyone's relationship, I would suggest that the destruction in the heart and mind of a BS is tantamount to a violent death repeated over and over again. It is real trauma.

One thing that would've or would help me is if she would just recognize the pain she put me through; if she would listen to me with even a little compassion I could deal with her betrayal.

You seem to care about your BS and I haven't detected a hint of defensiveness for your behavior. When I confronted my WW on DD one of the reasons she gave me for the affair was that the POSOM other male was a much better man that me. That was the most devastating sentence she ever uttered to me during our entire relationship. He was a criminal, con-artist, physical and financial abuser of women and a real bottom feeder. Yet, she had the nerve to say he was a better man than me.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all goes well for you.

I do listen to my husband when he asks me questions but sometimes I get defensive because I think about the person I was before the affair and I know that this person does not exist anymore. I also have problems bringing the affair up on my own and this feels like I am not helping my husband heal eventhough I am always there for him but most of the time just listening. I feel like I am not doing anything to help him heal. I suffer in silent. I need help.

Today has been 3 months my husband found out of my affair. It hurts to see him so hurt that I feel hopeless. I wish I can exchange my life for his eventhough I am in pain but mine can not be compared to his pain. He is a walking dead. A day like today I killed him. It really hurts. I can't help but cry my lungs out. This is something that I do not wish even to my worst enemy. I hate to see him like this. It hurts more to know that there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.

There are things you can do to make him feel better, but it takes patience, and time. Like years of time.

First thing you can do is be 100% transparently honest with him. Noatyer if he asks the same question a thousand times, answer it fully and don't get defensive.

Second is to work with your counsellor to figure out what was broken in you, and fix it. Tell your BH what you are doing. It is part of letting him believe he can trust you again. Because right now he probably doesn't trust you.

Third is to look into your heart and find out whether you truly love and desire him. If you do not, let him go. If you do, then invest all of your energy showing him.

It hurts more to know that there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.

You can make him feel better, but you have to believe it and be willing to do it. Your belief and your will can make a difference.

Cerda,

I applaud your being so forthright and taking complete ownership of your actions. It looks like you are taking the right approach, One I wish my WW would take.

Being honest with yourself and being your own worst critic I think will ultimately serve you well. Especially when it comes to being brutally honest with your BS when called upon. As Polonius advised Laertes, "This above all, to thine own self be true, then thou canst not be false to any other".

I obviously don't know the character of your BS, but if he is anything like me then hearing the cold harsh truth is easier to take than any polite or good intentioned lie. Deceit breeds contempt and will undermine any progress in trust that you make in any reconciliation.

Good luck on making amends and reconciling, you have the attitude and approach that will work if it possibly can.

This is more a comment to other BSs who happen to be reading this, rather than the OP. Seeing how The OP changed her tune from D-Day to the beginning of this post speaks volumes about the power of the 180. If the husband started begging for his wife to come back after D-day, I'm not sure that the events would have unfolded the way that they have. The filing of the divorce papers, and the likely ending of the marriage, caused the eventual turn-around of the WW.

Should the husband change his mind and eventually reconcile, they will be far stronger than if they stayed together by any other manner.

To Cerda, Couples have divorced after affairs and gotten back together. Your ability to affect the outcome is limited to only being able to show your remorse, and improve yourself. If IT doesn't happen, then it becomes a learning experience to hopefully make you better, in the future. I wish you luck.

[This message edited by toughtotrust at 1:55 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]