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The movie "The Truman Show" is a decent metaphor for the perspective of a BS after a LTA is suspected, then discovered, then gradually revealed via TT. Recall the protagonist there was raised in a giant movie set created to look like an authentic world. At the start of the film, a spotlight from the huge dome roof falls to the ground in front of his house, but Truman sort of shakes it off as odd but probably somehow normal. Gradually, though, more inconsistencies and oddities spark his suspicion until he is fairly sure is he is the victim of a giant hoax, living in the set of a movie. The woman who plays his wife is just that, an actress, playing the role of his wife. She never really loved him, at all. It's just an act.

That is exactly how a BH feels at the stage of your marriage currently. You are an imposter in his mind, an actress who has been playing the role of his wife. He looks at you and doesn't even know who he is seeing.

One of the things you ought to do is restore his connection to factual reality. That means sharing with your husband all of the levels of intimacy you shared with your boyfriend/lover, so that there is no longer any secret parallel narrative behind the scenes of your marriage. Your BH should know every intimate detail of your life from the moment you were married to today.

For a BH who has suffered under a period of sustained dishonesty, this brutal truth, even if painful, can often be like a breath of fresh air. The first bit of truth he can believe, the first building block to re-establishing truth and honesty in the relationship.

The other is to show him, over time, your genuine self. Not the ersatz person who lied to him and betrayed him, but the real person, warts and all.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:45 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

CC, you are looking to do a grand gesture for your BH, then ditch the car. If it is a grand gesture that your BH is looking for, then that is one.

The car is triggering him, but you are holding onto it because you need it. Not because it helps him.

It will be a huge sacrifice on your part, and you either rent a car for the time being, or commit to buying a cheaper car, that you will commit to paying for (which will spur your search for a job).

By holding onto the car, you are showing him that you are holding onto your AP. You will not think about the car like that, but chances are, your BH is thinking about it like that.

The car is a tool to you. It is utilitarian. Gets you from point A to point B. It makes your life easier to run errands and to go to work. It is just a 'thing' and means nothing.

To your BH, it is where you betrayed him. It is a huge symbol of your A.

Ditch the car.

ETA: It will show that you are willing to suffer for your BH, by making your life a little more difficult. It will not be as much as your BH is suffering, but at least it is something.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 3:10 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

How did your wife "move heaven and earth", Veryconfused? Or was she unable to meet your requests?

I will bite. I am R'd and about 7 years out from Dday. Just pointing that out that it did not happen overnight and my W had a lot of internal work to do before she was able to do this.

In a nutshell, humility, patience and perseverance. Consistency.

You are going to fail at times in this endeavor. It is a given. The thing is that the effort will count for something even if it doesn't have the desired effect. You build a lot of concrete examples where you were trying that your H can look back on. Actions that match your words.

Being able to be honest even if it hurts one or both of you. I mean really honest. That goes for both of you. You can express anger, hurt, sadness and fear without screaming. You can look at the choices you made as in the past with a desire to build a better future.

Everyone is different, but I can give one solid example in my case. Prior to Dday my W was depressed and as a result a lot of the household duties fell to me to take care of they just did not get done. I am talking neccessary things. Laundry, cooking dinner, making lunches, paying bills, vaccuuming, baths, nighttime routine, etc.

I gave up at some point and resented the hell out of my W for not doing her share of those duties. I was burned out and really did not care anymore. I worked a full time and demanding job and came home and took care of things until I collapsed from exhaustion just to do it again the next day.

Post Dday my W sought help for her depression. She slowly got better and was able to take on more of the household tasks. It was something I could see and it benefitted me.

You need to find something that you feel you could have put more effort into prior to your A. Or outright neglected during. Really and honestly look at those. Start doing them. Ask your H for feedback. Change it up as necessary.

Effort counts. He might not noticed or even give you credit for them right away, but he will notice. With time this will soften his rejection. Let's be clear. He feels rejected by you and in turn he is doing the same. You need to keep going through that.

One word of caution. Any of these things can be seen as manipulation and pointing out that you are doing these things make it very hard for him not to see it that way. You just start doing them and hope he notices.

Sex will be a trigger filled and touchy subject for awhile so you need to think of things outside of that. What is his love language?

Most of all he needs to feel respected by you and for what he bring to the family and the M. If he doesn't feel and believe you respect him nothing else you do will work right now.

Respect is a very big deal to most BH. Right now, it is more important to him that being loved. That is what is really behind this request. He doesn't feel respected for the qualities he brings to the table. You might have lost sight of those or you may have ignored them to mitigate the cognitive dissonance you felt during your A. Whatever the case you really need to look and see his value. Use that to tell you what would be meaningful to him.

Hoping that you and husband are doing well.

Hope to read an update from you soon

Hoping that you and husband are doing well.

Hope to read an update from you soon

CandyMann and RLinx offer some great suggestions.

As a BH, I would also have liked some grand gestures; and I get hurt or annoyed when WW didn’t come up with her own. I feel like I am forcing her to do them, which isn’t love.

The reason he wants you to come up with them on your own is to get reassurance that you are freely choosing him. You, on your own, made some bad choices. Your weren’t forced to make those choices.

If he tells you how to make a grand gesture, then you aren’t really doing it freely. He is looking for the same or greater level of respect that you gave to the AP...including making it very clear who you freely choose.

Hope that is helpful.

I think my marriage is over. It kills me just typing those words. I can't accomplish any of the tasks he has asked of me. It's a combination of physical impossibility and depression that sucks all the energy out of me.

He has been txting me frequently saying that I just need to accept the fact that I destroyed our marriage and to give him his divorce. I don't want to talk about divorce. I don't want this to be over. But i can't fix anything to his satisfaction. He still thinks i am messing around at work. I am starting to hate AP (which isn't a bad thing) but even that knowledge isn't good enough to BH. He doesnt believe me.

I just want so desperately to prove that I am not screwing that POS anymore. I want nothing to do with him. But I can't prove it. I feel like if i could just prove that I am being faithful, BH would stop throwing the D word at me and maybe there would be hope to save my marriage but I have nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore

I'm sorry to hear the news. I can sense the pain in your posts. Sometimes the trauma of an A is too much for the BS to bear. In addition, we often see here on SI that what the WW does after the initial disclosure can be as trauma-inducing, or moreso, especially TT and minimizing.

We can only offer advice based on what posters tell us. You have told us almost nothing about your A, the details, how long it continued, whether you denied your BH sex in favor of sex with the POSOM, whether you did things sexually with the POSOM that you denied your BH, etc. All of these types of details speak to the depth and severity of his trauma. We also know little about your conversations with him.

If you'd like that kind of advice, you'll need to give us more to work with.

He very well may be done. However, If you insist on trying, than 1. Resolve to fix you, even if he divorces you. Keep fixing you. And 2. I would kindly refer you back to the page 2 post by RLinX.

As a bs, that post spoke to me.

Your BH is angry, hurt, devastated beyond anything you can fathom. He will lash out when it is simply too heavy to deal with in an attempt to save his sanity. The is a reason many foreign nations people get on their knees and beg forgiveness. Im willing to bet he doesn't want your strength yet, he most likely wants submission. Is it a modern or popular concept? Nope. After reading thousands of these posts, the most blaring want by men after she has "taken control" and had an A is simply utter submission. In every way. The subject seems to be a taboo even here since we are all logical and progressive and enlightened and shit..so the subject gets skirted, described, detailed but never said. So I said it.

RLinX post i mentioned above is exactly that, its submission in action without using the word. I don't mind using it. Submit. That really is what it comes down too.

Are you being treated for you depression?

Chaos- if I may add my two cents as a BH.

I never considered myself weak. I was always a good athlete, successful financially, and from what I gather, a good lover too. I loved my wife, and committed to her emotionally and physically. I sought to please her, and believe I did both mentally and physically. Logically , I know all this.

Regardless of whether the OM was a result of your issues, there is NOTHING more emasculating to a man than finding out his wife fucked another man behind his back. It’s emascualting, deceitful, humiliating and devastating. It hits the very core of our Male ego and masculinity. It’s almost impossible to come back from.

The feeling of rage and anger we feel is visceral. If I could have killed the OM and made my wife watch, I would have. Some demonstration of power and control to prove I was the winner, if not for them, then for me.

But there’s not much you can do. I hope I don’t come across as some sort of mysigenost, but part of marriage is the possession of each other’s bodies and souls. I believe is men place a certain pride and possessiveness of our wives, as providers and protectors. My wife was my angel, but she was MINE. My territory, and vice versa.

Your husband is trying to see that you are more sympathetic, honest and subservient to him than you ever were to the OM. You say both men had same things off the table sexually, but emotionally you had more off the table for husband, simply be lying to him. He was the inside joke between you and your AP, whether or not it’s true, it’s how he feels. You need to emotionally and sexually make yourself more vulnerable to your H than you ever did for AP. You need to explore sexual things with your H that no man otherwise has. That’s the physical stuff. There’s all kinds of sexual kinks in this world, find out what your H wants, and enthusiastically do it for him, within reason. Give him what you refused AP. Make sure he knows he is number 1, emotionally and physically. If your H wants to harm or bash the AP legally, support him. Show your h you believe he is more dominant tha. The OM. Prove it.

If you refused things to your H sexually before, maybe reconsider them, and do them with passion. Initiate intimacy. Worship him sexually, and show him he is your alpha male.

Your H is testing your loyalty to see where your limits are. You need to prove that you would walk 1000000x miles over glass for him before you would walk an inch for AP, in every sense of the word.

I am not sure I can vocalize this as well as I would like to you. But I have tried. You need to open up to your H, and demonstrate your femininity, doting, and submission to your H above all else. Follow his lead, show him your loyalty and support. And do not faulted when he tests you. Do not faulted when he expresses his anger and hurt. Accept he has a right to it.

Cool him his favorite meals. Pick up slack around the house to make sure he has time for himself. Do not argue with him, or disrespect him. Support him publically to friends and family. Always have his back. Defer to him if you can tell he needs his ego rebuilt.

Do not let him physically harm you, assault you, etc. I am not condoning that. But show him unequivocally that he is your man, and you are his wife. This may work, this may not, but it’s all you have.

I hope this helps you

Also eta:

Why not sign a post nup that handsomely awards him. More in divorce, and buy a car that he really wants, and take his car?

Also perhaps you could provide more context as to your actual affair, duration, intimacy etc.. from what I gather you were emotionally and sexually involved for years with an om. That’s hard. You almost had two husbands, except one didn’t know he was in competition.

[This message edited by fullcircle35 at 10:30 PM, September 17th (Monday)]

I readied all the post, and to me aparently your bs is in total pain and want make you feel like him, he doesn't wanna resolve the problem, he try to punish him, I think you need be there for him, but need to ask to him if he want resolve the things properly.

I am a madhater and when I found out my wife afair I discover a really good feeling in put the salt in she's eyes, I did everything in my hands to make her more pain, and that was growing... Until I saw that's its simply cruel..

. She made a mistake but we need resolve and not create more pain between us...

She told to me several times she quits her jobs to be in home and be always been there for me... And I thought... What's is that's for...? I will need put my wife behind the walls to trust in her.... No there's not what I wanna... I put her in digital vigilance (without her knowledge) and she's been impeccable...

With my affair after I discovered about her affair, she suffered, but she prefer not mentioned... Sometimes she remember during sex...

I remember when I discovered the affair and expose her to our friends, and I not in home for her only to the kids, and she tries every day keep me in home and try R, I did a tattoo, she never likes and made 3.... One day she came home and show me a tattoo with my name.... And I frezzing I thought that's show me a little of desespair from here, and doesn't like at all... But show me she really wanna to try.... And still doesn't like her tattoo because she did for the wrong reasons.

Please don't make a tattoo..

Dear CausedChaos,

I agree with “Butforthegrace” , you haven’t disclosed nothing about the affair. How can we help without the information? Please help us help you.

Best,

Bigheart

Oh! I am just catching up on the rest of the posts.

Please do remember

1. Many BSs through the D word around, often, and at various stressful times.

2. This is a roller-coaster and when at the bottom we do not know how to get rid of the pain. The only way we can see a way out is to leave the situation. When we recover some lucidity, we can see that the pain will still be there no matter if we are or are not.

3. This is traumatic - no if, ands, or buts. Plain, simple trauma, that still amazes me after 2.5 years.

Honestly, let go of the outcome. Support him as best as you can. Show him that he is worth the effort of not just trying to fix him, but more importantly, that you are fixing yourself.

If you have not done so, I recommend reading Walloped post in general about the rabbinical lesson he attended.

he told me that if I had quit my job (where OP still works) he would have taken that as proof of my fidelity.

Do you still work with OM? Or have reason to see him or have contact with him ? Make those changes like yesterday.

I'd start there. Some more details would definitely help offer advice. The TT did not help. He won't give you blind trust anytime soon what have you done to prove you've earned back any trust ?

FWIW I think you should see your doctor about depression. Taking an Anit-D could dramatically help you get that energy back and maybe give your brain enough space to try some new approaches.

For his own safety he has to assume you are still lying to him and therefore are not safe to be M to. Further, he doesn't believe you want to be M to him anymore. He believes you want to be single. He is giving you what he thinks you want.

If he is still communicating with you then there is a chance. You are not going to get any guarantees in this process.

I don't know what I'm looking for from you kind people anymore. He attacks me daily with demands for divorce. He knows I don't want divorce. He says its the punishment I deserve. He has tried multiple times to get me to discuss the terms of our divorce with him but I refuse. He has tried to fill out divorce stuff online. He is hellbent on divorce.

Also thank you RlinX for your long and inciteful post as well as your well wishes.

Thank you everyone for all the help you've tried to provide. I appreciate it.

[This message edited by CausedChaos at 11:55 AM, September 20th (Thursday)]

He's not attacking you with divorce demands. He's telling you what he needs,and you refuse to listen. You're putting what you want, before his needs.. again.

Your cheating was a deal breaker. He's done. You refusing to respect what he needs is making this harder for him. You love him? Let him go

In an early post you say your H wants you to figure out what he wants. That doesn't work - no one can reasonably expect you to be a mind reader.

What has he asked you to do that you can't do? If he's asked for things that are impossible to deliver, he's got the problem. If he's asked for things you won't deliver, you've got the problem. At this point, I have no idea where the problem(s) lie.

Why is he demanding that you D him? Why doesn't he just file? I know that's what I'd do.

***************************

For me, fidelity was way less than enough to stay M after d-day. I wanted a partner who was clear about what she did and didn't want. If we were to stay M, the M had to serve both of us, and if we didn't want essentially the same things from M, I wanted to split.

Had my W love- or sex-bombed me, I would have mistrusted her. It would have been a bad move on my W's part, but obviously it's what some people think they want.

Had she had become subservient, I would have mistrusted her. Subservience does absolutely nothing to restore what she took away from me during her A, IMO. Again, it would have been a bad move on my W's part, but obviously it's what some people think they want.

My W started by giving me what she thought I wanted. I did not respond well to that - it was too much about her, not really about me.

After a lot of co-d bullshit on her part (i.e., offering what she thought I needed), she started offering what she wanted to give. That was a big step forward - I could accept or reject what she offered, and if I rejected her offering, I could ask for what I really wanted.

IOW & IMO, R requires each partner to give the other partner what the other partner wants.