Chaos- if I may add my two cents as a BH.
I never considered myself weak. I was always a good athlete, successful financially, and from what I gather, a good lover too. I loved my wife, and committed to her emotionally and physically. I sought to please her, and believe I did both mentally and physically. Logically , I know all this.
Regardless of whether the OM was a result of your issues, there is NOTHING more emasculating to a man than finding out his wife fucked another man behind his back. It’s emascualting, deceitful, humiliating and devastating. It hits the very core of our Male ego and masculinity. It’s almost impossible to come back from.
The feeling of rage and anger we feel is visceral. If I could have killed the OM and made my wife watch, I would have. Some demonstration of power and control to prove I was the winner, if not for them, then for me.
But there’s not much you can do. I hope I don’t come across as some sort of mysigenost, but part of marriage is the possession of each other’s bodies and souls. I believe is men place a certain pride and possessiveness of our wives, as providers and protectors. My wife was my angel, but she was MINE. My territory, and vice versa.
Your husband is trying to see that you are more sympathetic, honest and subservient to him than you ever were to the OM. You say both men had same things off the table sexually, but emotionally you had more off the table for husband, simply be lying to him. He was the inside joke between you and your AP, whether or not it’s true, it’s how he feels. You need to emotionally and sexually make yourself more vulnerable to your H than you ever did for AP. You need to explore sexual things with your H that no man otherwise has. That’s the physical stuff. There’s all kinds of sexual kinks in this world, find out what your H wants, and enthusiastically do it for him, within reason. Give him what you refused AP. Make sure he knows he is number 1, emotionally and physically. If your H wants to harm or bash the AP legally, support him. Show your h you believe he is more dominant tha. The OM. Prove it.
If you refused things to your H sexually before, maybe reconsider them, and do them with passion. Initiate intimacy. Worship him sexually, and show him he is your alpha male.
Your H is testing your loyalty to see where your limits are. You need to prove that you would walk 1000000x miles over glass for him before you would walk an inch for AP, in every sense of the word.
I am not sure I can vocalize this as well as I would like to you. But I have tried. You need to open up to your H, and demonstrate your femininity, doting, and submission to your H above all else. Follow his lead, show him your loyalty and support. And do not faulted when he tests you. Do not faulted when he expresses his anger and hurt. Accept he has a right to it.
Cool him his favorite meals. Pick up slack around the house to make sure he has time for himself. Do not argue with him, or disrespect him. Support him publically to friends and family. Always have his back. Defer to him if you can tell he needs his ego rebuilt.
Do not let him physically harm you, assault you, etc. I am not condoning that. But show him unequivocally that he is your man, and you are his wife. This may work, this may not, but it’s all you have.
I hope this helps you
Also eta:
Why not sign a post nup that handsomely awards him. More in divorce, and buy a car that he really wants, and take his car?
Also perhaps you could provide more context as to your actual affair, duration, intimacy etc.. from what I gather you were emotionally and sexually involved for years with an om. That’s hard. You almost had two husbands, except one didn’t know he was in competition.
[This message edited by fullcircle35 at 10:30 PM, September 17th (Monday)]