SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank goodness I found this forum. Into my 4th week since DDay. I’ve been reading a lot of the posts here since that day and many have given me hope I will survive the horrendous ordeal I have found myself in. I’m not 100% sure the marriage will survive but I’m doing my best. WW very remorseful and acknowledges mistakes and is in intensive counseling which is a positive sign. WW (40 years of age) initially trickle truthed for 2 weeks from DDay and that was the hardest to take because it was like being in a war zone and not knowing when to expect the next bomb would hit. It’s traumatic. It’s simply horrendous. In time I will tell my story. Many friends who know my story have said to me they can’t believe I’m functioning given what I’ve discovered. WW didn’t own up. I (45 year old BS) found out (she didn’t volunteer) and my intense questioning over weeks opened up a can of worms. I’m slowly trying to recover but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face in my life. Infidelity is worst than death some say. The mind movies are the worst. And then playing scenarios in your head constantly. It’s torture.

The mind movies are the worst. And then playing scenarios in your head constantly. I

you are victimized the first time you came to kniw. Do not get repeatedly victimized by going over and over (I know it is hard). You are the one who is affected. Focus your energy on other things in your life even more now - kids, jobs, excercise friends and family etc). That way you can forget the trauma and even can have a sense of accomplishment despite all this garbage. Your WW is your enemy now (even worse)

[This message edited by goalong at 9:43 AM, July 8th (Sunday)]

Hi, Mene, welcome to SI. Weekends tend to be a bit slow so be patient, there will be members here who will support you whether you decide to stay or leave the marriage.

Hopefully, you have the entire truth because as you certainly understand after reading this board is cheaters lie and minimize. Always.

Right now you need to put some focus on you and your own health, be sure to take care of yourself as best as you can. Exercise helps. Getting out of the house helps, even just meeting a friend for lunch or participating in a hobby or sport. Anything to give you a bit of relief from the constant mind movies.

Please meet with your doctor asap and get tested for STDs. Also, temporary medications to help you cope/sleep should be considered.

Dealing with infidelity is the emotional roller coaster from hell, but you WILL come out just fine on the other side of this pain.

Is your wife NC (no contact) with the affair partner? Is she completely transparent? Is she reading books? I highly suggest How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair by Linda MacDonald.

You are not alone in this painful journey, the great members here will support you and encourage you and help you navigate through the dark places.

Are you in IC?

No matter what- do not tell her about this site.

It is your safe place.

Yes, got STD tested; waiting for results. I’m also in IC to cope with this. She’s gone NC with the other party. I believe I have all the information because we have gone through each question numerous times and my counselor thinks we have everything too. I agree with her as she thinks the answers no matter how they’re framed have been consistent for weeks. I’ve lost 24 pounds from the stress and taking medication which has helped. I’m starting to feel better the last few days. We have a son (12 year old) and I’m focusing on him. WW has been doing everything from a text-book perspective to make things right. Time will tell I guess whether we work things out. She’s committed to whatever it takes to work on herself and marriage and workout why she had a few flings (EA/PA) the last few years and a LTA the last year (EA/PA). Crap about emotional validation etc.

I wake up every day thinking this is just a nightmare, then reality hits. I know that the old marriage is dead. Just have to reconcile that WW now has this character flaw and need to trust she can change that and she will not do this again. I also have to feel comfortable knowing what I know and can live with it. She’s completely remorseful but what worries me is she kept these secrets and continued life like nothing had happened. I suspected something was wrong but she was amazing with carrying the secret until I found out from her phone messages. Two of the three other parties she engaged with I know. And both married, too. Don’t know the third.

What hurts is living with the shame of what’s happened. My pain also is I can’t inform the spouses of the two married men who both swore to her they will not tell either. We live in a small community and it will get out and harm my boy if it becomes public. I don’t want that. She definitely affaird down and once she got out of the fog she could see that too and cries constantly for the pain she’s put me through. She’s gone completely into reconciliation. I have not promised I will stay and I’m waiting to see how she goes over the next few months before making a decision regarding D. She understands this.

My pain also is I can’t inform the spouses of the two married men who both swore to her they will not tell either.

Good luck trusting two cheaters.

You should google and read up on serial cheating.

Become as knowledgeable as possible.

Hi Mene, sorry you find yourself here. I too am married to a serial cheater that has had EA' and PA's our entire ralationship. Been through years of TT and only now (3 years from dday) are really starting to work on her issues.

Just wanted to say you aren't alone in all this.

My pain also is I can’t inform the spouses of the two married men who both swore to her they will not tell either. We live in a small community and it will get out and harm my boy if it becomes public. I don’t want that.

This is rarely if ever true. The betrayed wives don't want everyone in the community to know that they are married to a POS and the wayward husbands certainly don't want everyone to know they are low life scum.

The best thing I did was let OM's wife know the truth. She deserved to know and make her own decisions based on fact. Wouldn't you want to know if the shoe was on the other foot?

By the way. After telling her the truth and providing proof, I have to admit I walked with a little bounce in my step again.

I would urge you to re-think telling the other betrayed spouses. It's the decent thing to do. Wouldn't you want one of them to tell you if the roles were reversed?

Furthermore, the experience here is that exposing as much light as possible to all sides of an affair is generally the best way of making sure it stops.

I understand it's a small town, but the other betrayed spouses will have the same interest as you in terms of being discreet.

Not sure I'm making the connection about how it would hurt your boy unless, perchance, there was some circumstance such as one of the POSOM being a coach of a sports team that your boy plays on and he might retaliate against your boy if you were to inform the POSOM's betrayed wife.

I’m not 100% sure the marriage will survive but I’m doing my best.

You should NOT be working on trying to ensure the marriage will survive. What you should be working on is you yourself surviving with your emotional health intact. This means you need to be working with your IC to find your inner truth, that place where you heart and your mind coincide. You should be equally open to either R or D, and let your inner truth guide you.

workout why she had a few flings (EA/PA) the last few years and a LTA the last year (EA/PA)

She is a serial cheater. There are materials available specifically for serial cheaters.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:44 PM, July 8th (Sunday)]

It is kind of amusing that POSes promised not to tell their BSs. Regarding D or R it depends on the merits of each case. And if WW is a good partner except for cheating and you can live with that you can R. It is good to promise anything as iy is too early especially she did not come out on her own. Either way please take decisive actions as it seems previuos cases of infidelity were not resolved properly which led to its continuation.

Sounds like you have self confidence issues. You should expose this affair. Blow up all of their worlds. You are using your son as an excuse. You need to find your anger. This is not your shit show. She and the men need to face consequences. This is what happens when adults do the wrong thing.

If you don't expose, me and many others will bet our next paychecks they just take the affair further underground.

Get a plan together and expose to everyone, including their wives, at the same time. Don't give her any hint you are going to do this. Wait to see how long until she finds out, because the other men will contact her. You'll find out if she's still talking to them.

I'd suggest you move if you really want to salvage this marriage. Either with her and the kid, or you move out of the town by yourself and get 50/50 custody.

I don't think you have a prayer if you don't expose. You're already trying to climb Mt. Everest. Not exposing will be like trying to climb Mt. Everest with no shoes. Exposure is critical.

What hurts is living with the shame of what’s happened. My pain also is I can’t inform the spouses of the two married men who both swore to her they will not tell either. We live in a small community and it will get out and harm my boy if it becomes public. I don’t want that.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I think not exposing is a huge mistake, for many reasons. In particular, the exposure will make sure that your wife will think twice before cheating again. The shame and embarrassment are consequences for what she has done. I don't feel that she has suffered any consequences for what she has done as of yet.

Also, the other betrayed spouses have a right to know what happened. If someone knew what your wife was doing, wouldn't you have hoped they would tell you? These men also need to have consequences for what they have done.

Please don't make excuses regarding you son. You need to do what's right, no matter how difficult. Anything less is rug sweeping.

[This message edited by TheMiddleman at 4:34 PM, July 8th (Sunday)]

I’m sorry you are here. I also was victimized by a serial cheater. A few thoughts for you to consider:

- tell the other BS’s. They deserve to know the truth about their lives and need to have the knowledge to make decisions for themselves, just as you do. They also need to know for health reasons.

- serial cheaters are their own breed. My personal view is that your WW will not change.

- maybe you know everything but one thing we know around here is that full confession this early on is unlikely. Especially with a serial cheater. If I were you I would insist on a polygraph. I would also use a VAR (in her car for example) to see what you don’t know. Are you sure they’ve gone NC? Maybe. But often enough that’s just another lie.

I’m sorry to be a downer but these are just from my experience and I’d like to see you avoid mistakes I made. Best of luck.

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

My story is ten years old. I too had trickle truth with a serial cheater. Only when I found things out on my own did she confess with one exception being the day I scheduled a polygraph and the last shoe dropped.

I too was only concerned about my children finding out and that was my original reason that I stayed. However, I also stayed only if there was progress being made by her in what she was doing to become a trusted partner again and to help me heal me. In my case, we have reconciled. No the marriage is not what it used to be. In some ways it is better, but the memory never leaves. You are looking at a 2-5 year period to heal from this no matter what happens.

Regarding my children knowing, they knew pretty quickly. They heard us fighting and discussing what had happened.

You said it yourself that divorce is still on the table. Some of us are able to reconcile while others this is a deal breaker no matter what. Only you can make that decision. You don't have to decide today.

Exposing the affair is the right thing to do. You live in a small community and I can promise you others already know. I also know that the other spouse's will want to keep this as quiet as possible.

There is no shame on your part. You didn't do anything so all blame and shame falls on her. I get it though as it really is a mind fuck to your ego.

For now, take care of yourself. Exercise, drink plenty of water, eat, spend time with your son, take up a hobby (bonus if you get your son to like the same hobby), and get good sleep. Keep posting and reading. Listen to the advice you are getting and keep an open mind. We have lived and walked in your shoes.

Mind movies don't get better, they get worse - and they never go away completely. You mention 2 other men, you mention your shame of what she did and, likely, your shame for trying to R when you feel in your gut you should divorce. Tell me, why do you want to stay married to a person like your WW? What positives do you see that outweigh the negatives she has brought down on you?

Edit: full disclosure here - I always advocate for divorce when a man is as crushed by the sex as you are. That horrible shame you feel for her and yourself will turn into contempt for her and self-hatred. As afraid as you are, as hard as it seems, get to a lawyer and have him explain to you the most likely financial and parenting results of a divorce. You will find they are not nearly as bad as you fear and help you make the important decisions you make without being dominated by fear.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 5:42 PM, July 8th (Sunday)]

A serial cheater, with zero exposure, and little to no concrete consequences.

This is a recipe for limbo and continued pain.

Listen to the advice being given here.

Sorry you had to join our club :(

It looks like you are handling the situation quite well so far. Remember, that it literally is rollercoaster ride - you start feeling normal, then baaam, you are in a deep hole again.

How your WW's remorse manifests itself?

You already did and will receive advice to inform OBS'es (other betrayed spouses). There are many reasons to do that. Affairs thrive in secrecy, so by hiding OM's affairs from their spouses you become a partner in their crime. Maybe they didn't catch anything life-altering from your WW (I'm talking about STDs), but they haven't felt any consequences for their actions, so if opportunity presents itself they will do it again, and this time, who knows.

As others already said - small community, rumors probably already started a long time ago. And you might find that many people knew, but didn't inform you. How would you feel about these people?

Speaking about your son - kids usually feel that something is wrong. How he is handling it? What would you do if he came to you and asked what is going on?

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the time you take out of your daily life to respond to someone like myself in distress. Just a few points to keep you updated:

1st affair: was EA with a someone I know. Very well. Story stacks up. Belongs to a community group we attend.

2nd affair: was sexual encounter or encounters. You can never get the true story. Ever. I have to come to terms with that. It was short and I have verified this from my own bullet proof research. Married man. A one off.

3rd affair: EA and PA for a year. Other party known to me. A low life scum unemployed bum. Married with a child. They had one sexual encounter. She described it in full. 1000 times. My different questions were answered consistently. We have scheduled a polygraph and she agreed willingly to attend and answer all questions.

I can deal with each one easily if I wanted to. Put them to their wives immediately. But, it’s their cross to bear what they have done. I don’t give a shit about them. My WS gave them the opportunity. I need to work it out with her. Not them. Married men or single men that prey on married women don’t respect those women. Or themselves. Low life people. Eventually, they will deal with their demons and their spouses will deal with them. Like I am.

There is absolutely NC with the last. I have monitored all electronic devises. Track her in so many ways. 24 hour surveillance without revealing how.

Millions of questions thrown about all three. WW been consistent throughout with explanations. Never deviated from it. Psychologist is convinced no more info will come out. I agree. I should get a job with a secret service organisation with the method I used to extract info. I have enough. Even if it’s 80%, it gives me a fair idea.

Like myself, she’s been going through hell. She deserves it. I don’t. I have made no promises about staying. She gave me no choice about her affairs. As such, she had no choices about my decision. I will decide. Period. Time will tell if she will change and I’m not fucking around and she knows I will send her packing out of this “marriage” if she doesn’t work on herself to understand why this happened. She’s been attending IC since this all cake to light (twice a week). Marriage wasn’t perfect the last few years and we both know that but I held the moral ground. She didn’t.

I’m a good man. I work hard, I provide for my family and I’m young enough to blow this sky high and start again if I want to. She knows that.

Now, in my culture (Latino) this type of thing is handled discretely. Within the partners. She is super remorseful. Doing the hard work. Every day taking to me about the whys and what she can do to change the situation. I said time will tell.

I can’t exact revenge on these men. But my first focus is to fix my marriage or rather try R. If that doesn’t work, D is coming like a steam train and so will the information flow to the 3 assholes who dishonoured my family. I have patience. Believe me, I have a plan that these men will feel the pain of what they did when their spouses find out and they’ll have to deal with their demons. Patience and planning is everything.

But first my issue is more important than worrying how those assholes deal with theirs.