SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know, I made some horrendous choices as a teen. I’d hate to judged by those choices some 30 years later. However, to those I wronged whom I never made reparations to or apologized - I imagine they still see me that way.

You know, I dated a guy, he was awful to me. So I dumped him. I can’t tell you how atrocious he was. It was clear evidence I was a broken soul. This guy also happens to be friends with my BIL. My MIL used to despise him too (he got drunk one night visitng BIL and disoriented, instead of going to the bathroom, ended up peeing on her grandson asleep in his bed.) anyway, she’s always going on how great he is now...married with kids and so polite blah blah blah. I finally told her - what does that mean to me? He’s great to his wife? So? Does that undo what he did to me? When she accused me of letting him live rent free in my head I told her - HE’SNEVER IN MY HEAD UNTIL YOU TRY TO GET ME TO LIKE HIM!!!

Hmmmm this post started with me thinking we shouldn’t be defined by our past choices but ended with me seeing exactly why some people are. Hmmm...

sassylee, I feel the most important thing is to not let your past mistakes and bad choices define yourself to you. Fuck how everyone else whats to define you. As long as you know that you aren't that person who made those mistakes, those choices, any longer you aren't defined by your past.

As far as the old BF goes. Yeah, you are going to judge/define him by how he treated you. He hasn't made amends to you. You probably don't want him to. He is irrelevant to your life today. He is the past and that is where he probably belongs. However, that is not how his wife and children define him. He isn't defined to them by what he was in the past.

When I first joined SI I was kind of taken aback by the "labels" here. It was 8 months post d-day that I found SI. I was now a "BS". WTF! But, I decided right then and there I wasn't going to let my FWH's infidelity define me. I was not going to be a victim or bitter. No matter whether our marriage survived or not. My FWH's infidelity was not, and does not, define who I am. I define who I am. We all get to define who we are, actually.

Txquail, I feel your pain. I'm tired of cheaters too. It feels like my WS is absent of feeling about what he did to our relationship and that makes me furious. I've even felt like he doesn't deserve to feel hurt about the affair because he did it!

I know that he probably has had moments where he feels/felt bad, but he doesn't really share those with me so he seems unsympathetic. However, with that being said, I think WS should have a place to like this to talk about their feelings with others that have also cheated. Hopefully those WS can get the help they need to be better.

The act of cheating does not fully define one's character; although it's just the most significant defilement of character for most people. Such actions blend into the fabric of who we are, and forever change the interpretation of character. Learning about a partner's poor character, especially in a long term relationship is a shock that unsettles basic life assumptions. The fact that society does not punish infidelity is a leading indicator of it's impending implosion.

Who are we as a society if we do not insist partners honor their commitments to one another? All their commitments...

All of this happened to me a decade ago.

It is frustrating to see a sea of new hurt. I am still married to this horrible person out of protection for my daughters. A shame of wasted time.

[This message edited by CrossedArrow at 1:33 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

Are we all only the worst things we ever did with no hope of redemption regardless of whether we improve, change, or make amends (or try too)?

If so we are ALL major assholes that have really hurt Or wronged someone in life. Most likely many someone's. Or is that who we USED to be?

I cringe at some of the things i did 20 years ago....

[This message edited by william at 4:27 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

"Your bad choices don't have to define who you are."

Is this not picking and choosing which actions you want to define you? I don't think that is how it works. All of your actions, good and bad, are part of what defines you.

SMS, you stated in your response to Sassylee

He isn't defined to them by what he was in the past.

I have a question for you. If you worked with a guy for 6 months, had lunch with him frequently, found him to be nice, you were single, and he was interested in dating you, would you date him if you learned that he had been convicted and jailed for armed robbery?

Based on your expressed belief in past actions not defining a person, if you were attracted to him you would date him, am I right? Just curious.

ETA:

I am amazed at how many perfect people are members here at SI. They have never made bad choices, have never hurt someone. And if they did, are they harangued for the rest of their lives for the bad choice they made, for the pain they caused? IDK.

SMS...ok, you stated:

My statement was rhetorical. I said I was amazed at all the perfect people here at SI

maybe you would care to clarify what you meant by this?

To me, it sure did read like you were trying to equal the playing field... ie: hurting a person by cheating vs hurting a person by not inviting them to the party. What's the difference? Both are hurtful choices.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:57 AM, July 25th (Wednesday)]