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My wife had a PA that ended six months ago.

Her affair caused me to have sexual problems such as shame, humiliation and feelings of sexual worthlessness. These feelings can come out of the blue any time of the day or night. They can also come during sex which ends the sexual encounter. Being unable to continue the sexual encounter actually causes more shame and humiliation.

Have other people had these sex problems before ? What should I do ? When do they go away ?

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 10:04 PM, July 16th (Monday)]

Hi MJ,

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Best club you never wanted to join though.

Just a note, us Californians are the late crew on the forums and topics we post late our time may not get much attention until Europe and then the east coast gets up (although our friends in Hawaii, Asia and down under sometimes chime in on a timely basis).

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. Your feelings and your body's reaction to them are normal.

It sounds like you've tried to put the affair behind you. Maybe you are rugsweeping and not really dealing with the underlying issues that keep you feeling so awful about yourself.

What has your WW done to help you heal? Are your sure she's ended the affair?

What steps have you taken to help yourself deal with this trauma? Because it is a REAL TRAUMA to be betrayed.

Maybe you could let us know a little more of your story so we can help you better.

Sending you hugs ((((MJ1675123))))

What are the thoughts that come into your mind when this "comes on"?

HeartBroken:

She had a year long PA with a married coworker who worked for the same company in a different city. They would have sex whenever one of them traveled to the other city which was about every two weeks.

I was informed of the affair by the AP's wife who caught her husband texting my wife about meeting for sex.

The AP's wife made him quit working at the company right away. My wife has been home every night right after work for the last six months so I don't think they are still having an affair. Also, I installed spy software on all her devices. I don't think they are communicating.

I didn't talk to her much for about two months after the affair. I still don't talk to her like I used to before the affair.

For the first few months after the affair she was aluf. She may still have had feelings for him or was fantasizing about him. I didn't want to talk to her during that time.

Later she started to want sex. I think she was trying to make up with me using sex. I was ambivalent about the sex. Sometimes it came easy and sometimes it was miserable because I would see them fucking in my mind or even kind of feel him in the room. I would lose my erection and she would know I was thinking about the affair. I would also get nausea during sex. I get nausea often when I am around her because I imagine her fucking him.

The real killer is the feelings of sexual insecurity and worthlessness. I think this come from comparing myself to him. I asked her some questions about their sex life. She said it wasn't as good as ours. I don't believe her. This is where the insecurities and worthlessness come into play.

As far as what she is doing to change - she read some books including How to heal your spouse after an affair. She is doing most of what is then book. She is also being extra nice and gentle.

I think she is afraid she is going to lose my income if we get divorced. I can't help but think that is her primary motive to stay with me. I make much more money than she does and own more assets that I accumulated before the marriage which she could not take after a divorce.

I am thinking about divorce. I don't really want to get divorced but it is an option.

Right now I just want to resolve the feelings of sexual worthlessness because they cause the most pain- even more than the betrayal.

Any ideas on how to stop comparing myself to him ? Especially since he was was younger, taller, better looking and in better shape than me ?

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 11:33 PM, July 16th (Monday)]

Oh brother, you are SO not alone. This is issue number 1, 2 and 3 for me close to 2 years out from d-day (with plenty of trickle truth, so don't get discouraged, it doesn't need to take this long). But yes, I get it, I feel and have felt exactly the same way. The mind movies are terrible, the sexual rejection from her during our marriage to then give it away in excess to the AP, the trying to come to terms with what sex means to me and to her. I've had a lot of posts about this, if you search my history, you'll find them (and if you can't, let me know and I'll dig them up for you). This is a very common issue for all BS's, and, for men in particular, it seems to be something that we really hang up on.

When does it go away? I know it has for other BS's and BH's. I can't answer that for you, because I still struggle with it. IMHO (and this is ONLY my opinion), your W needs to undo her rejection of you. Which, for me, means sex has to get a lot more to your liking; typically more of it, new stuff, more kinky stuff, things that are shared only between the 2 of you and not with her and the AP. People will vehemently disagree with me, but that's only way I can see to try to start to see myself as her "first choice" again. If you're like me, you equate "sexual freedom" with love. The more a woman loves a guy, the more she'll do with them. And, if you're like me, there's a pretty discrete scale, a girl who likes you will give you a hand job, a girl who really likes you will give you a BJ, etc. So, you need to see what's at the top of your list; what's the thing that you most want, makes you feel the most special (and pray that she and the AP didn't do it) and see if you can incorporate that into your relationship. New, exotic, over the top, dangerous.. Whatever it is for you.

I'm so sorry your here. You are not alone. I could have written your post, word for word; and a lot of other BS's could have as well. It is possible to heal this if you and your W both really want it, it's just not easy.

Right now I just want to resolve the feelings of sexual worthlessness because they cause the most pain- even more than the betrayal.

I can assure you that it's not that simple. Your sexual issues are symptoms of the trauma you have suffered. You talk about all the sex she had with OM in a kind of non-nonchalant way yet the primary symptom you are suffering from is sexual. So I have to ask you, are you the kind of guy that thinks "well, sex is just sex" or do you feel that sex is supposed to be a special act that the two of you give only to each other. The answer makes a good deal of difference in how many of us might advise you.

ISurvived7734

During sex I think about him kissing her or him putting his penis inside of her and immediately lose my erection. Done.

Sometimes I am so stressed out I feel him in the room like a competitor. He is or was a competitor I guess..

When we are not having sex I am obsessed about what their sex life was like and comparing it to our sex life. I obsess about if it was better than our sex life. Sometimes that hurts so much I want to get divorced over the comparisons then I think it is stupid to divorce over the unknown.

Sometimes I dream about them having sex. I also get mind movies and intrusive thoughts.

I think much of the sexual worthlessness is because he is younger and much better looking than me.

I can't see how I will ever get over the possibility their sex life was better than our sex life. It kills me.

[This message edited by MJ1675123 at 11:54 PM, July 16th (Monday)]

A lot of very sexy men have been cheated on.

Reportedly that list includes Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Justin Timberlake, and PlanC, among other worthies.

Hang out here long enough and you will see that cheating is about the cheater, not the cheatee. It wasn’t about you. It wasn’t even really about him. It was probably just about an aging woman with no morals who wanted to feel young and sexy and desirable. Being pursued by someone new made her feel those things. His height or age or whatever wasn’t part of her motivation.

It wasn’t about you.

You sound like you may have PTSD. Some here say EMDR therapy helped them let go of the trauma.

It's called confidence in yourself. I learned many years ago that no one can make you feel less about yourself without your permission. Right now you are giving yourself permission to think that you are less than her AP. You have built him up to be Captain America and a sex god. He is not such a person. He is a lowlife POS without honor or integrity. You also need to realize your wife is in the same boat with him. The POS was just a new toy. You are a better man in 5 minutes than this POS is all day. Stop dwelling on what he has and look closely at what you have. You need to instill in your wife the assurance that you can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. She is love bombing you because she already knows that with your earning power and disposition, if you leave her there will be lots of women who would gladly replace her. When having sex with her think about your own enjoyment. She was thinking about herself with the POS. If your sex life was good before the affair then it is probably good now. It's called confidence in yourself. Right now you are holding all the cards. Don't drop out of the game because you think someone else has a better hand. You can go a long way by just believing in yourself. Take control for you are in charge. I do wish you well.

Yeah. Stop having sex.

If you want to R, then you're going to have to talk to her and if you need to...and it seems like you do go to MC and an IC.

It was a year long affair, there's no sweeping this under the rug or hoping with time everything goes away. To truly heal you're going to need to confront some ugly truths about why and how she did what she did.

Having sex at this time doesn't heal anything, especially if you feel it's not a genuine act. Personally I'd D her ass for such disrespect but if you're going to R you can't softly softly around it either.

I think anoldlion summed it up very well.

So you honestly believe that a weasel who sneaks into the henhouse when no one is looking is on the same level as you? Or in any way superior? Because he is a 'better' physical specimen?

I do get it. An affair is the most emasculating experience that one can encounter. But like anoldlion said, once you rediscover your personal worth, it isn't even a comparison. And that is a fact. I don't believe that you and your wife fell in love with each other solely over physical attributes. It was your CHARACTER that she fell for. And what you are trying to decipher right now is what HER character truly is. She was a hen that unlocked the door to the henhouse, so the weasel could easily get in.

Hello MJ16.

First, you should know that your feelings are extremely common. Almost all men feel a profound sense of emasculation, humiliation, and shame when their WW has a PA. In most cases this impairs their desire and ability to have sex. The mind movies are a real erection-killer. It also sounds like your WW pined for him for a time.

Second, it is especially impactful where the A was long-term and was discovered by happenstance, like yours, as opposed to where she quit the A voluntarily and confessed. The A would likely still be ongoing had it not been discovered. You feel like you are her sexual Plan B. Her Plan A was her AP. She invested a great deal of time, energy, imagination, and desire into planning and implementing sex with him. Possibly way more than she has with you.

You should not make any decisions quickly. However, the first thing you should to is read here about The 180 and implement that in your life. You should stop having sex with your wife if you feel uncomfortable doing this, and you should even separate somewhat, such as by requiring her to sleep in the guest room or such.

I think you should also read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". The book is written for a WS, but it is helpful for a betrayed as well.

Also, to to the Healing Library (top left of this page in the yellow box) and read stuff there.

Here is your new reality: the woman you thought you were married to does not exist. The main first task of a betrayed is to come to grips with this reality. It's like being hit on the head and kicked in the balls at the same time. Your wife is a woman who will fuck another man repeatedly for years and lie to your face about it. These are despicable, cowardly acts. One of the main questions you will want to answer for yourself as time passes is whether you wish to remain married to a woman who has proven to you that she will do these despicable things to you.

Another thing you need to come to grips with is the simple fact that she is a practiced and skilled liar. An express part of your conversation with her should acknowledge that, as you are coming to grips with how easily and profoundly she lied to you, for years, how can you ever know whether you can believe her?

Finally, you should let go of any desire for any particular outcome. D and R should both be options you weight, and make it clear to your WW that D is a route you are planning unless she proves to you that R is worth the effort. Both D and R are ruinously difficult.

For the time being, do not waste your time with MC. In the end, R only works if your WW figures out what is broken in her, fixes in, and convinces you that she has become somebody you would now choose to be married to, knowing that in her past she lied to you and cheated on you for years.

Among other things, she must be able to convince you that sexually you are not her "Plan B". This is an ephemeral matter of the heart that is not easy to describe with words. To this end, there is a wide range of discussion here on SI about getting the "dirty details" from her. I think most male betrayeds end up wanting every minute detail, under the thinking that if there is going to be healing, it's easier to heal from the known reality than from your imagined horror story. To that end, most recommend that you require her to make a detailed written timeline of the A, including how/where they met, when the A started in terms of attraction, when she decided to become physical with him and why, and when/where/how they met up each time, including sexual positions, etc. Also have her describe whether she bought/gave him any gifts, or vice versa. She should throw away any gifts she still has that he gave her.

Let me remind you that your WW is a known liar. She has been lying to you for a year, probably more. WW's always minimize their sexual experiences with their AP. ALWAYS. And they engage in what we call her "Trickle Truth". Do not accept any minimizing. I can't begin to tell you how many WW's have said things like "he wasn't really all that good in bed," or, "he had a hard time keeping an erection," or, "his penis was small," or, "he didn't spend any time trying to satisfy me, just in-and-out and he was done, he doesn't know my body and how to please me like you do." In the end, she invested a lot of time and energy and probably money into fucking him, repeatedly. Clearly she was enjoying the sex.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:21 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Some guys in your situation objectify their wives during sex--seeing her as merely a piece of ass. No emotions. Just a fuck. This works in the short term, but rarely lasts.

I would think this is an extremely common problem.

Frankly – it’s also an irrational problem. But then – we aren’t driven by logic and rationality.

Why irrational? Well… the real issue isn’t that your wife might have had mind-boggling, world-changing, shakes-the-earth sex with another man and is constantly comparing each move you make with him. The real issue is that she – at some point – DECIDED to cross a fence that was put there to protect your marriage.

The moment she DECIDED to undo the top bottom of her blouse is the moment she betrayed you.

Before she made that decision, she had no comparison as to the ability and quality of OM’s sexual powers.

Get that? She did NOT decide to cheat because OM was such a good lay. When she DECIDED to cheat then all she knew was that OM was available for sex.

Note how I emphasize that she DECIDED to cheat? Well… If we don’t accept that she consciously DECIDED to cheat, then we need to accept that she’s incapable of deciding to be faithful. The affair didn’t just “happen”. She wasn’t sitting at a conference wondering about sales-figures when OM accidentally had sex with her. Nor is it likely that OM (or your WW) simply told the other that since there was a two-hour gap to the next meeting they might as well save on the per-diem and have sex rather than lunch. There was a build-up, and at SOME POINT, your wife KNEW she was crossing a fence and going too far. That point was some distance from the drop-the-panties moment.

We hate (and avoid) generalizations here on SI. But it’s a generally accepted statement that affairs take place for two main reasons: validation and power. Often, we say women cheat for validation, men for power. I think both men and women cheat for validation AND power. I venture that those are the real reasons your wife cheated and not the mind-boggling, no-comparison sex. She cheated because the OM made her feel desired and that in turn is a great turn-on. Chances are she went back for the validation and power-trip rather than the sex per se.

I’m not saying the sex was bad, but we betrayed spouses tend to vision affair sex like a porn-movie with aerobatics and hour-long pounding and groans and moans… When in fact it’s just sex. Fifteen minutes and a smoke.

IMHO then the REAL issue here is that it sounds like you two aren’t dealing with her infidelity together.

It sounds like she’s reading books on how to help you. That’s fine, but is she in IC to discover why she thought she could decide to have an affair?

You are contemplating divorce and fear she is only with you for the money… Have you taken the time to get a REALISTIC picture of what divorce would really look like?

You are contemplating divorce… Have you told her that? Have you told her that her infidelity has shaken you so badly that you aren’t sure you want to be married to her?

Have you told her about how her decision to cheat has shaken your confidence?

I think it’s a key-moment when both WS and BS realize what they risked. That a very realistic and likely outcome of infidelity is divorce. That the survival of the marriage is hanging on to a very thin line and needs constant and direct attention to be saved. That won’t happen without communications.

I think she is afraid she is going to lose my income if we get divorced.

From what you've written, that would be my guess as well.

She's completely remorseless. Big deal, she claims to have read a couple of self-help books. I could do that while making out my shopping list and posting on Facebook. She's done NOTHING to fix what she broke and more so, your pain is non-existent to her.

MJ1675123, for some of us cheating is simply a deal-breaker - period.

You may be one of those people.

Is there a secret ink being used here on SI or do I simply have a crappy screen?

I can’t for the life of me see anything in the two posts the OP has made that can tell us if his wife is remorseful or not or if she’s only there for the money.

Let’s keep factual based on what info we are offered. There is no help in making things that are already bad worse.

I think she is afraid she is going to lose my income if we get divorced. I can't help but think that is her primary motive to stay with me. I make much more money than she does and own more assets that I accumulated before the marriage which she could not take after a divorce.

He has posted three times, Bigger, and said this in his second post.

I am a BW and can relate to everything you have written. My H affaired down in looks, figure, personality and creativity in the sack. I have since suffered shame about my body and my desirability. I have felt disgusting and dirty. I have had the girl equivalent of...let's say going from 60 to zero in half a second.

But here's the thing: sexual shame, humiliation and worthlessness BELONG TO THE WAYWARD. Do not take this on. I am not disgusting - that's what a cheater is. I'm not dirty - the fact that I screwed some chick's sloppy seconds doesn't make me dirty. The sloppy one is dirty, and a liar for not allowing me to make a decision about whether I wanted to eff some slut's married boyfriend. (Even if I was the one married to him.)

All of that belongs to him. I am not going to carry that particular cross.

If you feel nauseous, I might be because she nauseates you. If you are having ED, it might be because you no longer find her desirable after what she has done. Reframe the situation. The shame is not yours. You are not humiliated; your wife abased herself by allowing herself to be a side-piece. You are not worthless; au contraire, as a faithful, upstanding man, your worth cannot be measured. Get that understanding into your marrow before you decide what you want to do.

MJ,

Has the shame, humiliation and feelings of worthlessness kept you from confiding in anyone. You need a tripod of support:

1. SI and this forum. Great first step in getting support from people who know what you are going through.

2. In Real Life Support from a trusted friend or family member. Their experience and advice may not be as broad as SI. The strength of IRL support is that it is a human face that cares about you.

3. Medical docs and trauma/infidelity informed counselors. The medical docs can help you with sleep or mood issues. Trauma/Infidelity experienced counselors can help you immeasurably. EMDR is an effective therapy for the images that are triggering for you.

Trust us, there are very, very few betrayed that can DIY the effects of this shit. Seek help from people who have your very best interests in mind. You are in pain and hurting. Reach out to folks that can help you.

Sometimes that hurts so much I want to get divorced over the comparisons then I think it is stupid to divorce over the unknown.

You wouldn't be divorcing for the unknown, you would be divorcing for the trauma she inflicted. The trauma is from being betrayed and manipulated into having to even have those comparison thoughts, no matter what unknowns there are about them.