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I gave in to my urges and texted her asking how she was doing? That I was thinking of her. It's been an hour and she hasn't responded. So I guess I'll leave it at that. Stop beating myself up over it. I don't know what I was thinking or what I'm hoping for.

What you are feeling is normal. She's a habit, and like any habit it is hard to break. We have all fallen off the NC horse at some point, but it is important to get right back in the NC saddle. NC = No New Hurts.

You are hoping for some kind of positive overture on her part. That's why we call it Hopium. The Hopium is highly addictive. What you will likely find, however, is that you are really just pain shopping. The response you will likely get, if you get one at all, probably won't be what you are hoping for and will just bring more heartache...

She finally texted me back. I'm not sure how to respond or if I should respond. I'm not even sure what to think.

"I've been thinking about you as well, but at the advice of my counsellor, I've been distancing myself from you. I'm focusing my time on <daughter name> and <daughter name> because I'm accepting our marriage is over.  Since we're breaking up, I don't think we should be discussing us. That is, unless you're reconsidering. Could you please elaborate. (a heart emoticon)"

Surprised, you love her. There is nothing wrong with that. What you can do is try to remember her actions to see what was really going on. When we are in the middle it is hard to see the whole.

I have no idea if she has a PD. I have personally known three people with them. One, my grandmother was too manipulative to just have HPD. I think she was some of all of them. I had a co-worker who probably had several as well. One of my bosses was so passive aggressive that he should have been in some book. None of them presented their disorders the same way. You have to look at the people they damage. If your wife has good friends, family members who love her and a child she has not damaged maybe she has some markers but not a full disorder.

What was your life like with her? We’re you content usually?

The problem with PD is that they are so hard to get a true reading on them. They don’t think there is anything wrong with them so they seldom seek out therapy.

I hope you find peace of mind however go.

What was your life like with her? We’re you content usually?

Our relationship was good. We had some up and downs in the beginning when we were teens where we broke up, and got back together, but from 2007 until her grandfather passed away in early 2016, we had a great relationship. She has been dealing with so much heartache and depression since. Some of it self-inflitced and some out of her control.

My wife is not oblivious that she has issues. While there is moments where she is "poor me". She isn't really attention seeking. Self sabotage, low self worth and esteem definately.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 8:29 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

Text her back: "I'm glad to hear that you're OK. Let's just leave it at that for now."

Oops, I didn't mean to send that yet.

Anyway, you opened the door a crack to see what she's doing and you got a glimpse. Now let it be for a few days or weeks. See what transpires and if it seems she's working on becoming a better person. Don't rush it and don't give her any hope cuz if she's not far enough along on her journey, she might quit doing the hard work and think she can skate back in.

Slow and steady wins the race. And by that, I don't mean you reconciling because you're a long way from that but you are still undecided and doing this might help you find some peace with whatever decision you ultimately make.

[This message edited by josiep at 8:33 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

I responded by telling her that I was glad she was doing well, and that I was just thinking about us and where we went wrong. That I'll leave it at that.

She then texted me saying she wanted to make an extra counselling appointment for our oldest daughter but the only days that are available are during my time with the kids. She says that she wants to take our daughters to where we buried there sister next Friday on what would have been her first birthday. I said that was fine, make the appointment and she can pick her up from the babysitters to take her. Then she asked if I wanted to come as well. I was going to stop by there after work, but I agreed. I also have been thinking about how my wife emotionally was going to be on that day.

Surprised, there's no wisdom in staying in a marriage that isn't working and can't be fixed. Of course you wish things were different, wish both she and you were different, wish it could work and miss the good times. Everyone does even people whose WS was terrible by most people's standards. That's normal.

The real question is - IF you did go back, what would have to change to make this work for you? Is it even possible? And if it is but very difficult, would you really want to do it and potentially be back at square one when you could have spent that time healing and moving on? Make an informed decision based on reality and whether this has a good chance of benefitting you not a fleeting feeling of loneliness that will go away with time.

Surprised,

I never post in divorce. I have followed your story over the past year.

Your wife is trying to stand on her own two feet after a great agony.

It’s completely unfair to you, the kids, and to her to open this door unless you want to fully walk in.

This means leaving the affair at the door. I don’t mean rugsweep. I mean letting go of the anguish. She still works on her. (She is doing that inspite of you wanting a divorce). (She is also actively engaging in her daughters care.) You would need to work on you. One of the most difficult things as a BS is to live in the present. If you can’t do this...don’t open this door. It’s not fair.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:21 PM, July 21st (Saturday)]

Surprised I’m glad you left it at that. This has to go at a snails pace to ensure at every step no one is going to get hurt, including the girls.

Talk to your IC about it.

As I suspected your W is detaching because she wants no new hurts for any of you. It’s a valid thing for both of you to be doing.

If anything tell her you’re not upset that she’s been doing that and you understand why.

Maybe a common recognition that “this shit ain’t easy” would be good, but I’ll leave that up to you.

Then work through this with an IC.

As others have said, until you know what you really want for your future and the future of your family, best to leave it at that for now.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:25 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

It seems you're both being coy and not honest with each other. Her "unless..." was your opening. If you love her and want to try again then don't be passive about it. Be brave and tell the truth. A possible reconciliation is doomed to fail if neither of you will communicate honestly with the other.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 10:40 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]

She is clearly also trying to protect her feelings, which is normal and understandable. I sense from context that she is broken hearted about the D, but she is trying to cordon that off and keep her chin up and move on. What she needs from you is to know whether to continue moving on, or not. If "not", this means she will open up and become exposed and vulnerable emotionally. She doesn't want to do that unless she knows you are all in on trying.

That in turn means you need to reexamine the emotional factors leading to the decision to D. She was not showing the empathy nor remorse you needed. She was rug-sweeping and expecting you to do the same. You could not heal with her around because her presence reminded you of the pain and trauma of the A, and when you tried to bring it up, she told you to fuhgeddabowdit.

Second thoughts at this phase are normal, but IMHO your "second thoughts" are based on fantasies of what might have been if she had been a different person in terms of empathy and remorse. You aren't remembering the non-empathic rug-sweeper who drove you to D.

I've read this thread back and got the wrong end of the stick. Sorry. I think I was reading another thread at the time!

Surprised, you sound like a nice guy. I want D too but I still love her. The thought of losing her is awful sometimes. I will miss her. I will miss US. I will certainly miss my kids constantly being around and the comfort of dual incomes. I know I will have feelings if she meets someone else. When she is sad I long to comfort her. I have done for 30 years. I guess you are having the same sort of feelings.

But there is another side of me which has detached. Just not fully. It takes a long time and it can vary day by day. Last week I just felt like I didn't care. This week is a little different but that's normal. You don't get taught this stuff in school. I get weak moments where I ask myself if I should just swallow the pain and go back. I know she would take me back in a heartbeat.

It does sound like she is doing a bit of a 180 to protect herself and actually that doesn't make her a bad person at all. I guess it's just a process and hopefully in time you can form a kind and helpful relationship.

I think this is the awful thing about infidelity. One thing, sometimes lasting minutes, can blow up a whole lot of lives.

I think having second thoughts is quite normal. You've invested a lot in the marriage. You loved/love her. You wonder if you gave it enough time. Is there something else you should have done? Your mind is filled with what ifs and if onlys. Re-read Phoenix about hopium.

With separation we forget about what it was like face to face. We remember the good times.

Perhaps reconciliation is possible. However, from the little I know, it sounds like your WW is ready to move on. It doesn't sound like she will do whatever it takes to restore your marriage (or create a new one). That's my take on it anyway.

I just chimed in to reiterate that having second thoughts is not unusual, at all. Very common, in fact.

She then texted me saying she wanted to make an extra counselling appointment for our oldest daughter but the only days that are available are during my time with the kids. She says that she wants to take our daughters to where we buried there sister next Friday on what would have been her first birthday. I said that was fine, make the appointment and she can pick her up from the babysitters to take her. Then she asked if I wanted to come as well. I was going to stop by there after work, but I agreed. I also have been thinking about how my wife emotionally was going to be on that day.

When I wrote the other posts, I so badly wanted to say something about your baby but I didn't know how. But I remember your posts from last year as clearly as if they were yesterday and I've thought of you many times during the last year. And that's why I sort of think the two of you shouldn't be making any major decisions for awhile, especially with the anniversary just around the corner. The agony of what you went through would bring a normal person to their knees but to go through that during the discovery and pain of infidelity is beyond what anyone should have to go through. So I guess what I've been trying to get at is, just be gentle with yourself and take the next month or so to just be. Don't try to accomplish anything, just be. Let your soul have some peace.

I wish I could just wrap your whole family in something that would comfort all of you. But you've done remarkably well and I wish you peace as you go forward, whatever you decide to do.

And I think the whole family going to the gravesite together will be a good thing. Hugs to all of you.

It is ok to reconcile by the way.

How’re ya doing Surprised?

We all have nostalgic moments.