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So it’s been almost 3 months since DD. My WW has been all over the map. I was suspicious of her commitment and was proven right she texted the AP(all be it just asking him if i contacted him which i did ) and and decided not to leave her job(not cause of him but because she didn’t want to take the desk job she just got hired for) so I kicked her out of the house for a week the constant flip flopping was killing me.

So after her time away She has decided to finally commit to the marriage swears she’s done with him. I kind of believe but once the trust is gone it’s hard to believe anything.

So getting back to topic we have not had sex since before DD hell we haven’t even had more then a peck of a kiss in almost 3 months Is this normal? For the first two months I didn’t want to touch her and since , I’ve accpted things and still do love her, she has since been making good progress and changing things MC has been getting better things feel like they are working but still it just feels weird. She has stated that she isn’t one to show love with affection as much as words of affirmation and doesn’t feel the same about me. But I just feel so rejected it’s unbearable. We always had a good sex life before, all that has change is the awareness of the affair and her true feelings towards me. It’s just so hard

How was she with her AP? Was she affectionate? Sexual?

I remember your story now...

Did she ever tell you who her AP was? If no, you're not in R.

Do they still work together? If yes, you're not in R.

As far as I know it was oral only then that stopped quick so she says, mostly emotional. she has stated she loves me but she doesn’t feel romantic towards me.

Yeah she told me who he was and they still work together for another 2 weeks so I’m counting down the days. I’ve been fed a lot of bull but she’s so hot and cold I just don’t know, but yeah physically nothing other then a quick hug and kiss and most of the time it’s not on the lips. I just don’t have much faith for our marriage even though she is leaving her job.

They still work together.

She's hot and cold.

Do you really need to know anything else?

You need to expose the affair with HR, don't give her any warnings, you also need to tell the OBS, yes they're still having sex (not just a BJ).

If she refuses you tell OBS or HR then she's protecting OM since she's quitting that job anyway, if she worries about her reputation there oh well that's part of her price for cheating.

Cheaters lie, they work together, they're having sex, lots of it. Have her quit TODAY, tell OBS and report to HR.

Also you need to tell her parents, family and close friends, she may still want to continue with A underground even if she gets a new job, it will also teach her a lesson and hopefully prevent her from another embarrassment in the future with the same or a new OM.

Who makes more $?

Don't have her quit!

It's best if she has a job when you divorce her.

Want the upper hand? The last word? Then file for D and have her served!

She doesn't love you. She told you herself. Believe her. You don't want a loveless, meaningless marriage. Go replace her. Once you file and you're separated, it's dating time. Best feeling ever.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 3:42 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]

No sex for months. Doesn't feel romantic towards you, even though you haven't dumped her. She hasn't broken contact with her OM. She's still in the fog. She hasn't quit her job. Doesn't sound like she really loves you.

Does this sound like remorse to you?

Does it sound like reconciliation to you?

Not sure what is so great about her that you want to stay married to her?

Her telling you that she's not interested in you romantically is just another version of the old ILYBINILWY speech that most BS's hear at some point when the affair is in full force. Even though I didn't find out about my wife's affair until years after it ended, thinking back to the time when she was in the affair, I got the speech too, I was just to naive to know what was really behind it.

Very high chance she is still in the affair fog/bubble. As many have already advised, you need to act decisively. This means starting the divorce process (which you can stop later), or at the very least exposing the affair to POSOM's betrayed wife.

I’m still trying to work things out cause we’ve been together 16 years and have two young children together and yes she made a mistake but I still do care about her and I was no angel in the past. So yes I’m a fool I know for trying to retain my marriage 🙄. Her family knows and yes she’s still in the fog for sure. I was just seeing if anyone else has experienced this level??

I monitor her location and her text(that’s how I found out she contacted him) ran serious back round on this guy and even spoke to the coward who sounded so scared even though I was being nice trying to get Info while I was letting him know i knew) If she’s still having sex with him it’s at work(which i know could be possible) but with her job doubtful)

I am however in the fence about contacting his wife I want to but probably will wait till my wife is at the new job.

Tell the other spouse NOW! She deserves to know. It’s the right thing to do. You’re protecting him by keeping a secret. He doesn’t deserve your protection because he didn’t protect you or your family by having an affair with your wife.

You don’t need to apologize for taking your time before deciding what your next step will be. It’s okay to want to give your M a chance and give your children a chance at an intact family. For many WS’s it takes time to come out of the fog. Your WW is changing jobs which Inassume you see as a positive move. If her attitude does not improve shortly after her job change you will need some answers. If she’s only in the M for the kids and the stability you provide and will never give you the love and intimacy you require, I assume that will be unacceptable. Time is your ally.

Of course all bets are off if she is still in contact and has taken the A underground. I understand your approach and feelings. Good luck.

Sorry that you are going through this. At this point she doesn't seem remorseful at all. Like others have said, there is no R without remorse. In my opinion, she still is in contact with AP and has feelings for him. When you kicked her out of the house for a week, that was a good start for you. However, a week isn't long enough for her to get it, or understand any repercussions for her decision to cheat. I suggest that you kick her out of the house again, but this time making it permanent, until or unless she starts showing major changes with herself and towards you. Fear can be a huge motivating factor to change something. I don't think she fears that you will leave her. I know that you are afraid of losing her and you feel rejected, but the only way there is a chance of R is if you take her power away. You need to act like your confident in yourself and that you mean what you say. If you cant act confident she will see right through you and won't take you serious. I know this is difficult but you have to get a grip and realize that you deserve way better treatment. Like I said, Act confident, kick her out and do not let her move back in. I don't care if she begs and pleads with you. She needs to start kissing your ass on a daily basis before you should consider R. She needs to prove herself to you, not vice versa. She's not going to unless she thinks that you mean what you say. She needs to be afraid that she has lost you. If you do this and it doesn't start working to your benefit real soon...then I would file for D and really start playing hard ball with her. You said that you contacted the OM already, is he married or have a significant other? If so, expose him to his spouse or partner. If he's married and you expose him there is a good chance that could end their affair. Men are way less likely to leave their spouse for their affair partner than women. Also, in the healing library read the 180 and start applying it. Good Luck!

Mistake to not tell the OMW.

Another mistake to not expose the affair at work.

Next mistake is to not tell WW that she has to take

a polygraph.

I've seen this play out to many times. The other man is grateful to you for not exposing him but he'll bang your wife the first chance he gets if he isn't already.

Better wake up

I’m going to tell the OMBS but after my wife leaves that job but trying to find out how to contact her is another story it’s not like everyone is listed in the phone book. At this point I’ve already been sticking up for myself and am confident in myself moving in after her but at this time I have to try to keep my family together but I just don’t feel the remorse from her so the real test will be when she starts this new job.

The A is still going on.

Check for a burner phone or texting apps or even games with texting.

She isnt loving you so she is loving someone yes.

Blow this thing right the hell ope. Tell her mom. Tell the OM wife. Tell HR if y ou u can live without her income. If not go see a lawyer and find out your rights and start taking action and control.

It seems like youre stuck kicking the can down the road.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Gush nurse is probably right. The affair never ended.

The reason she is asking for the separation is then she considers it not cheating, you are separated.

Expose to one and I would also file to protect yourself. She is still in the affair.