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The reason she is asking for the separation is then she considers it not cheating, you are separated.

Expose to one and I would also file to protect yourself. She is still in the affair.

Which one is it?

Wait...until your wife goes to her new job

Wait...until you find the obs contact details

Wait...until your wife touches you again even though you know why she won't touch you

Doesn't matter if she changes jobs. Keep drinking that disrespect and waiting, there are things like phones and email to contact a person. She doesn't want to lose her lifestyle so go ahead and wait.

If you have not exposed to OBS and she is still hot/cold at this point it is because the affair is still going on. All you did you contacting him was to let him know to keep it underground.

She is giving up the job for her boyfriend, not you. Just because she doesn’t work there doesn’t mean that they don’t have plans of continuing the relationship.

The affair is not over. You need to contact the OBS now.

Your rationalisations for waiting to contact the OBS will fall on deaf ears here. This is the single most important action you can take as proven in thousands upon thousands of stories like yours. You should do this without delay. I agree with those who said the affair is ongoing. Right now you are in control of nothing. Make the call!

[This message edited by Smillie at 10:19 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]

I’m going to tell the OMBS but after my wife leaves that job but trying to find out how to contact her is another story it’s not like everyone is listed in the phone book. At this point I’ve already been sticking up for myself and am confident in myself moving in after her but at this time I have to try to keep my family together but I just don’t feel the remorse from her so the real test will be when she starts this new job.

Devist8D, you're not in reconciliation at all.

You're in limbo with a woman whose telling you JUST enough to keep herself from being booted out the front door where she belongs. Telling you how much she loves you and how dedicated she is are just words. Anyone can say that to another person because it doesn't require ANY personal involvement at all. Talk is cheap.

Hell, it's FREE.

You're getting a whole lot of fluffy nonsense from her about how she can't show love through physical means (really?????) but only verbally. Well sure, that's because it requires NO personal sacrifice to give you lip service. But when it comes to the really intimate actions that DO require personal interaction, she's suddenly unable to share herself with you. The guy she claims to love so much and is so committed to.

As far as I know it was oral only then that stopped quick so she says, mostly emotional. she has stated she loves me but she doesn’t feel romantic towards me.

Do you REALLY believe that, deep down in your soul? I mean, really? That she suddenly can't even bring herself to touch you because she had a 5 minute oral interlude with this guy?

Ugh.

Book a poly.

I'm sorry, but you're not even CLOSE to reconciliation because she's still lying to you about what REALLY went on in that affair and she's still lying to you about her involvement with this creep as of today.

Book a poly.

First: I had written this long and elaborate post on your situation where I had the answer to why she isn’t offering affection somewhere in the end. I decided to answer your question first and put the rest of the text after that:

Why no affection? Why no sex?

Simple: She doesn’t want to cheat on her lover.

Affair over? No. Not really. She’s still in daily contact. OK – so maybe no more BJ’s (if that’s really what it only was) and maybe no more holding hands or sending notes or whatever rocks their boat. Maybe OM is just counting the days until he gets away with his affair without his wife knowing. Who knows; maybe he is basking in the office gossip. The PHYSICAL affair might be over – but the affair isn’t over.

Your wife… She’s like an alcoholic that has admitted to herself that maybe getting too drunk and driving the car into a signpost and being bailed out of the drunk-tank wasn’t a good idea and maybe she should lay off the drink for now… But before she stops completely she’s going to finish that box of Casa de Plonk, not to get drunk (not to have sex) but simply to sip slowly to get away from it all… She promises to stop once that’s over and no – she does NOT need AA… She did nothing wrong… she had the flu and that’s why the alcohol went badly in her… OK – she can stop drinking if you insist, but she’s not promising to remain sober.

You can more-or-less bet your last dollar on that once the box of Plonk is finished (she leaves the job) she might remain sober for a week… then one day she stops at the store and ooooonnnnnly gets one teeeennnyyyy weeeennnnyyyy bottle of Plonk…. Just to sip…

Just to be clear on the comparison: Your wife probably intends to stop the affair and she possibly really intends to not see OM once she tearfully waves goodbye to her knight in shining armor at the carpark of the job, doomed to a life of servitude to the evil Black Knight ogre (you – get it?). But chances are that a week or two into her misery she will reach out. Maybe just a “hi” or maybe asking Jane at the office how the “gang” is and what’s going on…

So that’s the real reason you aren’t getting any

----------------------

I have been wondering how best to approach you with the hope that something sinks in. I’m so afraid that I might swing a 2x4 and friend – that is not my intention. Nor do I want to drive you away with questions that might at first sound ruthless and cold.

But I must ask:

Why are you here? Why are you posting on this site?

The reason I ask is that when I go back and read all your posts and all the responses then you seem very reluctant to follow the advice offered…

OK – It is a varied bunch of advice, some that I agree to and some that I don’t. But honestly friend – and I say this in the kindest way possible – it really sounds like you chose to ignore it all. It’s not as if you are selective – it’s ALL ignored more-or-less.

Your reasons for avoiding the advice…

Think you are the first BH here with kids? Think you are the first BH with 16 years or more at stake? Think you are the first husband that – despite the affair – loves his wife? Honestly friend – the SOONER you accept that there is only ONE thing special about you and your situation the better. That one thing is that it’s happening to you. Other than that, then the chances are you are dealing with a typical, run-of-the-mill cheating wife.

Why is accepting this good for you? Well… once you accept your situation isn’t so unique then you can also accept that the common knowledge and experience accumulated and offered here applies to you.

There is no step-by-step guide that is guaranteed to end an affair and save a marriage. But there are steps that we KNOW will help you get out of infidelity. Please listen to them.

I can make you this promise, and I mean it with all my heart: Everything I write below is based on offering you the possibility of SAVING your marriage.

The first step is when the BS refuses the infidelity. You decide that no matter what your wife does or wants then YOU refuse to remain in infidelity. Your refusal leads to you constantly working at getting out of infidelity. You control the pace and the actions. This allows you to stop and see if WW is following you out of infidelity, but you constantly keep focused on getting out. You can give her every opportunity to join you, but at some point, you inevitably let go. That point – the point where you let go – is far off.

Look at it this way: Your goal isn’t to save your marriage nor is it to divorce. Those two are simply paths you can take to your destination. That destination is to get out of infidelity. To be infidelity-free. For a considerable distance these two paths share more-or-less the same track or run parallel.

How does the above realization save your marriage? Well… what are you trying to save? If “marriage” to you is simply wearing a ring and sharing a residence with your wife, then accept her affair. Allow her to have lovers. After all – do that and chances are she will still be with you in a dozen years or so. But if your image of marriage has something to do with a partner, sharing life, mutual respect, fidelity and togetherness… then what she’s offering you right now isn’t’ that. The above realization makes YOU clear on what you are fighting for.

What do you think is easier? Herding someone to a destination that isn’t clear to them or getting someone to a predefined destination? If you were right now in NY and wanted to get yourself and your wife to LA would it be easier to let her know where you are headed, or would you try so simply steer her west?

Therefore, a major step is when you tell your wife your intention. You guys doing MC? I suggest you start your next session with these words:

“Wife. I love you and I always imagined us together as a family forever. But I have made a major realization. There is something worse than losing you and that is sharing you. In fact, I lost you the moment you decided to have an affair with OM and to-date my hope has been to regain you. But I have realized that I can’t do this alone and I can’t force you into anything.

I am getting out of infidelity. I wish you would join me on that journey but irrespective of what YOU want then I am heading that way. At some point soon, you must decide if you want to remain married to me because at some point I will give up any hope of reconciliation. When I reach that point the only logical path is that we divorce.

It’s not what I want, but it’s immensely better than sharing you.”

And then I suggest you look at the advice offered on this site and instead of ignoring it then question us about it and apply what is likely to save your marriage.

Bigger has nailed it.

Every word is spoken with kindness and support.

Thanks Bigger I’ve read and reread and will read that when we go to MC tomorrow. Thank you!

I’ve got a update.

I spoke with the OMBS she was aware of another affair he had but not the one he had with my WW. She was crushed their relationship was just getting back on track but I guess my contact derailed that. The other affair this guy had overlapped the one with my wife so it was kinda fun telling her he betrayed her as well-cheaters gonna cheat right?? She has said she is committing to our marriage so I guess our repair won’t start until the new job starts. Thanks for all your advise SI!

The Affair Guy is clearly full if shit although apparently quite charming - evidenced by 2 side chicks. Presume nothing at this time. She might still secretly want him even though he is a douche bag. You can’t begin to reconcile until she has left the job and no contact has started. You don’t want to make it too easy for her either because she will think you are a sucker. What would she do if you had an affair? You might want to consider insisting on a polygraph.

Apologies for my tone. I have man flu and I have been stuck in bed for 3 days and feeling frustrated. Good job on letting the other wife know.

[This message edited by Smillie at 10:50 AM, July 25th (Wednesday)]

Good job on EXPOSING OM with OBS, you just threw a HUGE Wrench in his life, he's now desperately trying to save his marriage with OBS and is certainly throwing your WW under the bus, this will have an damaging impact in the A, but may not be enough to stop it long term, you now need to EXPOSE OM with HR, your WW is quitting that job anyway right ? do it TODAY, seize this opportunity of chaos in their A and make it unbearable for them, next you need to EXPOSE your WW with famiy and close friends, the loving experience of the A will become a nightmare and resentment between your WW and OM and your WW may finally start to come out of the fog of of the A, only then you will have a chance at true R. Remember EXPOSE to everyone, you already took a HUGE step by exposing to OBS,your in the fight of your life, don't hold back and be passive about it, attack and defend yourself, do it TODAY, keep posting.

Devist8d,

Bigger has the right of this. I'm 2.5 years from the point you are at now and I wish I had listened to people like Bigger when I first started coming here. I did some of the things suggested, but I wish I had gone to see a lawyer right away.

You sound like you need a boost to your personal power and self confidence. I get it. You feel broken. Go see a lawyer today and that will help you start building your strength. Stop waiting on her choices. Start making your choices. This is your life, make it about you.

Also, start doing things for you. Right now. Exercise, yoga, church, friends, hobby, learn to play guitar, time with your kids... whatever gives you strength and purpose. This is your only win-win. If the M works, you have all this cool stuff to do. If the M doesn't work, you STILL have all this cool stuff to do.

I guarantee (guarantee!) that you don't know everything about the A. I guarantee you will find out about a lot more than confuses and angers you. You will probably never know everything. Listen to the folks on here. Not everything will be right for you, but you will wish you had listened to most of it 2.5 years from now.

Breatheme

Go see a lawyer. You don't have to make any permanent decisions, but start getting your ducks in a row just in case.

And this shit show won't even start to mellow out until she is out of that job. My WH was already in the process of finding another job months before I busted him because he knew he needed to get away from his AP and the toxic environment he created. He was offered another job, but his start date was two months after dday. It was painful knowing he was still seeing her everyday at work, and he had a hard time staying away from her knowing she was in the building.

Once he changed jobs and pulled his head out of his ass things started to improve, but it takes time.

We don't have any kids so no reason to stay for that.

Only you know what you can tolerate, but I would still see a lawyer just in case. I did and still have that option in my back pocket.