SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I've never posted here before but here goes. D-day was 3 days ago.

Three months ago, my wife made a friend. About a month later I started to get a bad feeling; I probed and probed and she denied and denied.

I found texts 3 days ago. I've never felt more broken than when I was reading those messages. I've devoted my life to her and my family; we have two beautiful young children who never would deserve being in a broken home. Regardless, our home now feels "broken".

She had sex with him at least one time. She claims that it was a terrible drunk mistake that she ended early, left, and came home and cried in bed.

Their emotional affair ran deep. Daily talking on FaceTime, texts constantly. Every manner of flirtation and innuendo. I will note they were separated physically almost this entire time, which I know for a fact (we were away, and then she was away).

When I confronted her, I was ready to Divorce. I'd like to think I'm a capable individual who would make it on his own. I understand though that this is too soon to make a judgement, and with my kids in mind, I'm focusing right now on self-healing. Make it through one day at a time. I met with a therapist. I told a few close friends who I value and respect, and who I know respected our (old) relationship. I've also made some somewhat selfish moves, like buying a new piano - something I needed to refocus my thoughts.

To the big point around, how do I act now?

When I told my wife I knew, and that I was going to meet with an attorney, I've never seen her more broken. She did everything right. She took complete ownership of what happened. She cried and apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. She made sure to bring up that last point over and over. She is absolutely willing to go NC, to see an individual therapist and couples counseling (going tomorrow), to answer all my questions, to let me see every text and every email and every facebook message. She understood that I would need to talk to a few people who knew her, and that it might change their judgement of her forever - but she did not make me feel bad about that decision. She is willing to think about and try to answer every question I have. She is reading the books I get her and thoughtfully told me that there will be no future judgement for anything hurtful I say, because she knows i'm in so much pain.

Doesn't it seem like she's doing it right? But it seems too much, too soon. How can she possibly reverse this quickly?

I'm not sure how to interact with her. On one hand, she wants to hug me and console me and talk to me. But on the other I feel like I need distance to grow myself individually. I do not want to create an impassable divide, because in my heart of hearts, after seeing her reaction, and feeling myself, I think we can mend this thing (if anything, for our kids). She is willing to do the work. I'm not sure if I will be able to forgive her, but that is a future question.

What do we do now? It's been 3 days. Do we act normal in front of the kids, and try to have nice family time? I certainly do NOT want to get them involved. Do we talk about our days, like we used to? Our future plans? Our money, schooling, and interests?

Or do I need to distance myself from our family unit, in order to really help develop and heal myself? I'm realizing that there is some work as an individual I would like to embark on; there is a world of opportunity that I have never taken ahold of, as a responsible father and husband.

Sometimes when we do that all I can think about is how she found someone to take my place, and have those discussions with her instead. It's such a rollercoaster, as so many of you know; anger, then tears, then hollowness. No pattern, just raw emotion.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe it was most cathartic just to write it out. Who am I? That is the question I'm trying to answer, and I'm sure no one here knows. Thank you so much for reading, I truly love you for that act alone.

Right now you're seeing regret,not remorse. Her life is about to explode. You were never supposed to find out. The main thing that tells me it is regret, is she hasn't come clean with you yet. The whole, "It was only one time. I ended it early. It was horrible. I cried so much afterwards", is something that 99% of WWs say.

Now maybe they only met up once, but believe me, they did it more than one time during that meet up. They did it for a long time. She enjoyed it A LOT. And she probably did things with him that she never has done with you. It sucks. Believe me, we all know.

Until you get the truth out of her, you're not in R.

And think about this...how many times did she text him? Call him? Msg him online? Think about him? Every single one of those instances is her choosing her AP over your M. Sure, she didn't want to D. But she wanted her AP, wanted to have sex with him more than she didn't want to get divorced.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:53 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]

Take your time and figure out what you want. If your leaning towards divorce I would get your lawyer started on the paper work. There is nothing that says you cant stop it along the way if you choose. Me personally I am a firm believer in consequences. In my mind people have to really experience the consequences to help motivate them.

I think I would really question if your seeing real remorse. It sounds like its really regret. If she honestly felt remorse you wouldn't have had to dragged this out of her. She would have came to you on her own. Right now she is in crisis mode and she will do anything to stop the bleeding.

I personally think distance is your friend right now. The more you can be away from her the better you will be able to think and make a good sound decision about your future.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

Hi unenviabledad,

I'm so sorry you are here. Take your time on all of this. You don't have to make decisions now. Looking at your own personal growth is not a bad thing ever and at this time getting to a spot where you don't just think but know that you would be alright on your own is a great idea. Actually this is a great idea at any time. One of the things that I learned the hard way from my xWW's Affair was that I needed to be more independent. I needed to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "You will be great no matter what happens" because when it all went down I felt lost and not sure how my life could go on without her.

You talk a little about distancing from your family unit and this is a tough concept but you have to try to separate yourself as a Husband and yourself as a Father. That was my problem when I discovered the Affair. I thought that I couldn't be a good Father if I wasn't my wife's Husband and that conflict led me to stick around far longer than I should. These two roles are not mutual and I would recommend that you don't distance yourself from your children and your role as Father at all. I would stay away from discussions or plans with her for now that involve future for the two of you for example making major purchases like a new house, moving, etc. though.

How did your WW meet this "friend"? You say she is willing to go NC but have you insisted? She has to do it and you have to know for sure it has happened. You are right to be skeptical that she has turned off her feelings immediately. She probably hasn't. That doesn't mean that she won't eventually and that she can stay NC and make amends to you while she is still dealing with that. You can't force her mind to change.

For now if you are thinking you will try to Reconcile and she continues to do the right things then I would not say anything to your children. What are your kids ages? You should try to maintain civility in front of the kids while you watch and decide what you are going to do. Good luck to you.

Sorry to meet you here.

Take your time. Take a deep breath. Your emotions will be a roller coaster, or perhaps a thunderstorm, for some time. Lots of wild mood swings, etc. This is normal.

Take care of yourself physically. Exercise, hydrate, sleep as best as you can.

Take the high road and be honest with your WW. Keep in mind, though, that "honest" includes the fact that you will experience wild mood swings, and she needs to be ready for this too.

Go to the Healing Library (top left of this page) and read stuff there.

There is a book, "Not Just Friends". Your WW and you should both read it first. Then read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair."

Good luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:20 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]

What do we do now?

First, sorry you're here.

Since you haven't ruled out divorce or R, you should have a sit down with your wife and make her understand that you can't commit to R at this point. Tell her you need time to assess two things; your capacity to forgive and whether she is genuinely remorseful. It may take a few weeks or a few months. And do tell her that as long as you feel she's not telling you the full truth; that's not your idea of her demonstrating remorse.

Of all the consequences she needs to receive, the uncertainty of losing her husband during this period, is the most important one.

In terms of interacting with her, I would hold off on sex for a while. At least until she gets STD tested, if not longer. Don't make the mistake I made of letting hysterical bonding cloud your thought process. Some may disagree, but I say that from my own experience.

You don't need to do the 180, but you shouldn't be affectionate if you don't feel affectionate. Talk to her as much as you feel like but don't lash out at her. Remember, you are the one that controls how this initial time will go with her. You lead, she should follow. You don't owe her anything.

Good luck and keep posting. We can help with that remorse assessment.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:42 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]

I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage. All consequences of her lying and cheating (including the disruption and disappointment to your family) is on her (not you). Unfortunately, she is a liar and a cheat so you can't trust a single word she says. She also sounds unusually well prepared (almost scripted) and immediately knew what to say: NC, full responsibility etc....like she was coached in advance? If so, she's very devious as well as a great actress. Her response seems very experienced and thought out in advance, IMO you are just beginning to discover who your wife is and how many OM she has been with.

You have no obligation to attempt R ... the decision to R or D is entirely yours and is not subject to approval by anyone else (including parents, friends, or church). Some recommend immediately filing for D (while considering R).

Meanwhile you may want to see your doctor for STD testing and treatment for PTSD. If she kisses your kids then maybe they should be tested too.

Check in regularly ... you will find it helps.

She had sex with him at least one time. She claims that it was a terrible drunk mistake that she ended early, left, and came home and cried in bed.

Their emotional affair ran deep. Daily talking on FaceTime, texts constantly. Every manner of flirtation and innuendo. I will note they were separated physically almost this entire time, which I know for a fact (we were away, and then she was away).

The two don't match do they?

They didn't bump into each other, slip and fall into bed and bang each other. They built up an incredible rapport, manufactured sexual tension, escalated it, then acted upon it.

Crying and "taking ownership" may play to your gallery. She knows you better than anyone, the question is what is to stop her doing it again? She's had practice and will be much better at hiding it next time if she does.

Cheaters can change, but their actions are never ever "a mistake"

As another poster said, you don't know the whole story yet. She did like sex with the other man and she was enjoying her relationship with him. Why else do you keep communicating and connecting with the other person? I think you know that her actions are self evident and speak louder than her current words.

On another note, you're experiencing what we all have gone through; "Who am I?". You did what married people are supposed to do. You wrapped your life and your identity around your family. Your wife has now torn your identity and what you thought was reality in half and you're mentally floating around not knowing who you are. You aren't odd and you aren't alone. This is the normal response to your situation.

In order to come to grips with your new reality and find yourself again, you need to temporarily employ the 180. Read about what it is and how to apply it in the Healing Library on this site. The 180 will allow you some breathing room and will help you to mentally function. You then should do as you said; take up a hobby that you've put off, change your routine, start working out, spend some me-time with yourself, spend time with friends. There's enough time in the day/week to do this without neglecting your children.

Your conversations with your wife are naturally going to be less for now; who wants to talk to a stranger or someone that they can't trust? You need time to see who this new person is and decide if you even like them before you go sharing details of your day with them. Especially given the fact that they've already betrayed you and were likely sharing your intimate details with another man.

Give your head some breathing room and some time to let this new information sink in. You're under a lot of stress right now and it's going to be there for a little while longer. Do activities that will help you to relax and cause you to focus elsewhere for a time. You'll know when it's time to make big decisions like reconciling or divorcing. Given what your wife is putting you through there's no shame in being 'selfish' and taking care of you for a while.

So she only had sex with him one time, she ended it early, and ran home crying. Was this the end of the relationship or did the EA continue? If the relationship continued then the story about the one-time horrible sex is a lie.

As others have mentioned there's no remorse. Not yet. I'm not saying there won't be and I'm not saying you two won't reconcile. I'm saying it's too soon for her to be instantly past this and all-in to fixing everything. She's in shock too. It may have dawned on her what she was willing to lose.

I know it's tempting but don't sweep this under the rug. When you visit a marriage counselor there is a tendency for them to move past an affair as quickly as possible. That's very dangerous for you because it'll mean you didn't really deal with it.

Was the AP married? If so, has his wife been notified? Nothing permanently ends an affair quicker than dragging the whole thing into the light of day.

You need to dig deeper on this because if their relationship continued via EA after this "bad" sexual experience then I highly doubt that story. Think about it. She knew she could lose you and destroy your family and yet she did it anyway. Don't gloss over that.

Keep digging. You have to find out if you know the 100% truth. You can't reconcile successfully if you don't.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 2:21 PM, August 3rd (Friday)]

So sorry man, welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

I've never posted here before but here goes. D-day was 3 days ago.

I can't believe you're even able to type at 3 days out. I wasn't. I was just a mess, so, given everything, your doing well.

Where does the OM live? Is the continuing contact? These things are really important because, as other posters said, your wife's story sounds like a bull to me too.

Listen, I'm sure there's some poster somewhere in the history of this board that got the "truth" 3 days out, but it's incredibly uncommon. It took me almost a year to get the "real truth" out, and, like most WW (wayward wives) my wife lied almost exclusively about the sexual details. They know (WW's) that this is going to be the part that makes/breaks the marriage, and, frankly, most of them have a LOT to hide here.

There are some relatively safe assumptions you can make regarding an A. If they were alone, they had sex. If they were alone for more than a few hours, they had sex a few times. And, most damaging to a lot of BH's, there's a chance that she did things with the OM that she didn't/wouldn't do with you. There's a thread closing in on 50 pages in general about this very issue, and it's more common than you'd think; I'm going to pass on the favor that another man did me and tell you to "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" when the details come out. I got the worst. A lot of us did.

The easiest way to detect lies, at least for me, is "what would you do" if you were the OM? Would you meet up to go for a walk in the park with your AP and hold hands? Or would you try to talk to them into some nookie behind the tree? Well, I know myself, if I was taking this huge risk to "date" a married woman, I'd be going for the "that's a nice looking oak tree" option every time. Think about it from the OM's perspective, not from your W's. What your "wife would do" is almost irrelevant, because in most A's, the OM is "driving the bus" so to speak. It's about what he wants, not what your W wants.

How do you act now? Dude, just take care of yourself. You're 3 days out. You're doing great by reading and finding the place. Don't let her push you around AT ALL. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care if you're Al Bundy himself, sitting on the couch and farting all day asking "where's ma beer!!", you did NOT cause this. A lot of times discussion between a WS and BS will turn into "Well, my needs weren't being met" (as the reason for the A). F**K that noise. Do NOT let that crap fly. You may have work to do on your marriage in addition to the A, but that is NOT the reason for the A and don't let anyone, your wife, a psych, a marriage counselor, a priest or anyone else tell you otherwise. If she was so unhappy with your screaming for a beer and farting, she could have called an attorney, not some scumbag other man.

Any details on the OM? Is he married? If so, get the message to his wife that he's been cheating, that'll get him out of your wife's life real quick because he'll make the classic OM move; affair partner under the bus, wife, I love you so much she pursued me and wouldn't leave me alone until I slept with her. It's not even really my fault. If he's single, just let it be and make sure your wife doesn't contact him or return his contacts.

Install tracking software on your wife's phone. Make her give you passwords to everything and install keyloggers on any computer she might use. This A needs to be killed dead, that is the fastest way to do it.

We're here for you man, we've all been there, only betrayed spouses can post on this forum so everyone who's posting on your thread has been exactly where you are right now. We all made it, lived through it, and either divorced or reconciled. Point it, you will be OK. Read as much as you can, and stay in "Just Found Out" for awhile, you don't want waywards giving their comments on your story yet.

Right now you're still in shock, I agree your wife is regretful but not remorseful, it's too soon, she's still deep in the fog, she still thinks about her AP, you need to find out if this is a deal braker for you.

Facts:

1) She commited the ultimate betrayal to YOU and her children.

2) She's a proven LIAR, she went behind your back and started an affair, that's NOT a mistake or an accident, she made countless of calculated decisions and planning to deceive you and commit adultery.

3) Of course she had SEX more than once, lots of it.

4) She got caught, was NOT planning to STOP (at this point you don't know if she will).

5) Of course she has feelings for her AP.

6) She risked her life, her family, your feelings, the welfare of her children over someone she just met (lack of character and commitment to M).

7) You probably know 10% of what went on in the A , you just found out 3 days ago and text messages don't capture conversations and face to face meetings.

You need to talk to an attorney and know where you stand legally, you don't have to decide to D now but if she really wants R, DEMAND she signs a POST-NUP in your favor with an infidelity clause.

Too soon for R right now, you both need to get tested for STD's, full panel, she allowed another man to penetrate her vagina multiple times, BJ's, maybe swallow semen, anal and everything else. Affair sex is crazy sex, lots of it, they have to maximize every encounter. She disregarded you and her family when she was being banged, and you know it would have continued if you had not caught her. ALL CHEATERS LIE.

Is she willing to take a polygraph test?

With respect to the impact of D on your kids. There's arguments on both sides as to what's best for kids. There's short term vs long term consequences of keeping them in the dark. It's tough keeping secretes from kids, eventually they will learn about their mother's behavior - as well as your response.

It's typical for the BS to feel enormously obligated to attempt to suck up the pain for the kids. You need to make choices that enable you to be mentally (& physically) healthy so you can be the best father and role model for them. For some that includes R for others it requires D. Sometimes D comes a few years later from accumulated resentment/anger.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. Cheaters tend to minimize and lie about the A when confronted. However you said she was physically separated almost the entire time and so perhaps she is telling the truth. But she is clearly trying to minimize the sex they did have. It is hard to say her reaction is scripted since you surprised her with your confrontation. She avoided blaming you for her A which is often a tactic and took full responsibility herself. That’s a good start. She also appears to have an inkling of empathy for what you are going thru.

You are right to try and detach to heal. But not every WW is the same. Not every assumption about a WW true in every case. Keep that in mind. You know your WW better than all of us. What do you think? Do good things for yourself. Read in the healing library in the yellow box. Get tested for STD’s andbe there for your children. Time is your ally as you work your way thru the infidelity grinder. Your WW must be willing to answer all your questions and deal with your pain and anger. If the AP has a spouse she should be informed now. Your WW should prepare a No Contact letter that you approve.

Good Luck and strength to you.

She had sex with him at least one time. She claims that it was a terrible drunk mistake that she ended early

I cringe everytime I hear a WW say it was just a mistake. You hear this so many times around here... it's almost a cliche. Straight out of the cheaters handbook for sure.

IC for your wife is ok but I would suggest to refrain from MC for the time being. At this point all MC is going to do is to attempt to get you to rug sweep the entire mess and focus on the two of you. WAY too soon for MC. You need to verify that you are being told the truth first and to be sure the affair is absolutely over... or if you even want to remain married. Time and time again the BS thinks its over and finds out it NEVER stopped. The best way IMHO is to schedule a poly to be taken sometime in the future after you think you have all the facts.

for a month she denied denied. After DDay she is devastated. The two are not comptible. If she is so afraid of losing the marrige he should have listened when you expressed your concerns. Looks like she want you for stability and not much for excitement or fun

Hi All,

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and think about my situation. Some of your responses have been very helpful.

I'm truly in belief that the affair is over. I have a phone now that replicates her phone; so I'm able to see every text and phone call as they happen. Nothing is out of the ordinary. She is checking in regularly. I told her that I would, without a doubt, divorce her if she contacted him one more time (and I will). She understood, and we crafted a NC message and sent it.

What I can't take is any trickle truth of lies, or withheld truths. I have also told her that if I find out any truth later, I'm finished. I can't handle new findings and lies. Of this I am 100% certain.

I should probably note here that I'm the type of person to really and truly follow through on these threats. And yes I am meeting with an attorney to begin to understand the process around divorce and custody. I am not taking any of this lightly.

I'm not sure how to respond to the people that are telling me that the sexual acts were more often and more explicit than I know. One the one hand that is a grave hurt to me, with which seems like little benefit except to make me feel terrible. On the other hand if they are true, then I understand that when the truth comes out it will be 100x more painful.

I am not planning on talking about exactly what they did or why. That seems to me that it is just pain for myself, enabling gross imaginations that would never help heal my marriage but, instead, harm it. Things happened. Whether I can ever forgive my wife for doing those things, I need to decide for myself.

I don't know if it was mentioned but is OM married or have a significant other? The number one best thing you can do is to call the OM wife and let her in on the goings on. Besides...why should your life be all upturned and the OM... business as usual.

I am not planning on talking about exactly what they did or why. That seems to me that it is just pain for myself, enabling gross imaginations that would never help heal my marriage but, instead, harm it. Things happened. Whether I can ever forgive my wife for doing those things, I need to decide for myself.

If this is the case, then you should stop asking questions or searching for the truth. It will only hurt you. Just be sure you're being true to yourself, everyone has a different level of info they want, some want to know "did you have sex" other's "where" other's "what positions" and others "tell me everything". I really didn't need the details, but I needed the truth. If she'd started with the truth, I wouldn't have kept digging, but, she lied to me from the start, so I kept pulling at lies until I got to what I thought was the truth. And, like may WW's 95% of the lies were the "sex stuff". So that's where the thread got pulled.

If you don't care, then don't pull the thread, that's my advice to you. But make sure you really don't care because this will rear it's ugly head down the line if you do care and are stuffing your feelings.

I'm not sure how to respond to the people that are telling me that the sexual acts were more often and more explicit than I know. One the one hand that is a grave hurt to me, with which seems like little benefit except to make me feel terrible. On the other hand if they are true, then I understand that when the truth comes out it will be 100x more painful.

Because we've been there. Nearly all d-day stories from a WW start out with "it was just a friendship, we slipped up one time, kissed, had sex with a condom, couldn't stay hard, only the missionary position and I didn't like it". That's embellished a bit, but this is how the standard "PA story" from a WW reads. It's pretty much what my W said to me with a few small changes.

What that story really meant for me? We had sex every time we were together. Many times a day. In fact, all we really did together was have sex. We did things I wouldn't do with you. We did all the kinky positions you like. And I had a few orgasms.

That's a pretty typical progression. Maybe mine is worse than some, but it's not as bad as others, that's for sure. I'd say mine was a "middle of the pack" trickle truth. Some are just, wow. We're not trying to hurt you, and maybe your W's A is on the "tamer side". But I can nearly promise you, you do NOT have the full truth yet. It takes a long time to get the "full truth" especially if you don't have any way to force it (e-mails/txt messages/etc). But her story is so far on the "tame" side that it's either the world's least sexually interesting affair or it's a lie. I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

It's OK to not care about the details and the things they did. You DO NOT have to know, or need to know if it's something you don't want. A lot of BW's don't want to know, and some BH's don't want to know. So, if you're happy with the story as it is "they had sex, that's all I need to know" leave it be. In some ways I wish I could have been happy there because what's known cannot be unknown. But I had to trust my W again, and the only way I could establish that trust was to get her to stop lying to me. Just so happens, all the lies, or nearly all of them were about the sex.

I'm not sure how to respond to the people that are telling me that the sexual acts were more often and more explicit than I know. One the one hand that is a grave hurt to me,

I can assure you that no one here told you there things with the purpose of hurting you.

We've all been thru it, and it plays out the same every single time.

"We just kissed once" = we had full blown, monkey sex as often as could.

"It was just once. I stopped it after a few minutes. It was awful" = we had a night of buck wild, sex, and didn't stop until we had to leave.

It's just the way it is. It's just the way WSes are.

The sooner you know everything, the sooner to can start healing.