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H filed for D last year. It was very much the shock and awe filing that is often suggested here on SI. He even waited to serve me until right after my parents had left from visiting so I wouldn’t have any support nearby. He filed for full custody, spousal support, child support,claimed he was incapable of supporting himself, claimed he was primary caregiver, claimed he couldn’t pay his lawyer etc. I was a SAHM for the vast majority of the marriage, I was ALWAYS primary caregiver (he had to ask me kids SSN and birthdates when he filed)He dropped the custody suit after a couple months, then the divorce after 6 mths.

I’m wondering if anyone is in the same/similar situation, how it effects you/marriage/reconciliation?

He didn’t actually file; we filled out the paperwork together and I physically took them to the courthouse since I had more time during business hours. What happened is it was finalized 9 calendar days after the filing (counting weekend days). As part of the divorce my maiden name was restored so after I received the decree I went around and did all the name change b.s.—which I then had to do AGAIN when we got remarried 4 1/2 years later.

Poppy, are you resentful that he filed? Or that he asked for so much?

WoE: I will not be answering your questions. Thanks.

Poppy, are you resentful that he filed? Or that he asked for so much?

WoE: I will not be answering your questions. Thanks.

It feels to me like the answers to those questions could be pretty relevant in terms of potentially having an effect on the marriage/reconciliation.

ES: The purpose of the question was to hear the perspectives and experiences of other waywards, not to discuss my feelings/viewpoints/issues, etc with mods. Please reread original post as I specifically asked for other people’s experiences. I added description of my situation only for the sake of comparison.

Poppy, mods are members too and they were members first before ever becoming mods.

If something makes you mad or sad, you should probably pay attention. You sure don't have to do it here but it would probably be a good idea to do some digging on the resentment issue.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

Poppy, EvolvingSoul is right. I am a member here, as well and often see things that strike me because I have been there.

I’m wondering if anyone is in the same/similar situation, how it effects you/marriage/reconciliation?

There is a reason you asked this. Chances are it’s because there is something inside of you that you are trying to work through. Typically what I have found is that when something strikes a chord or makes you angry, that’s the very pace to start digging.

I’m not sure what you think my motive is, but if it’s of any ill will, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Sometimes it’s hard to see when someone is lending you a hand when you are in the thick of it.

You don’t have to answer my question, however I hope it makes you think a little.

I’ll share my own experience with you.

I had TT’d and finally told my husband one lie too many for him to take it anymore. It was a weekend and he began looking into quick divorce lawyers with the plan of seeing one come Monday. He packed a bag and left the house. Up until that moment, I don’t think it seemed real. It finally hit me what life apart from would look like. He had never been so certain about anything. I knew it wasn’t an empty threat. I was scared out of mind. I told him to come back home and I left to stay at our friends. I spent the weekend writing the most detailed timeline I possibly could. I poured my soul into it knowing it was my last chance. When I got that last chance, I never took it for granted. I have tried to make sure that my husband never has a reason to ask for a divorce again. We have worked together and separately in order to build a new M.

The way that my BH threatening D has impacted our R? It’s given me perspective on why we are even trying to R in the first place. I haven’t forgotten where I came from.

I’m a SAHM and while I didn’t face this scenario I did face various threats. If im reading this right your BH filed, hitting you with everything, threatened you, lied but then took it all back. Yeah I totally get that and it’s hard to come back from. I betrayed BH and he hits back betraying me and our kids. You know threatening to take our kids away from me. Threatening to turn them against me. Basically BH had to heal from my cheating then I had to heal from his out of proportion threats. He regrets all this now and continues to apologize for hurting me beyond what was reasonable. I continue to apologize for creating this mess in the first place. What he says now is it’s reasonable to divorce a cheater. It is not reasonable say to take a cheaters kids unless the cheater is truly unfit.

Thanks for sharing Root.

The shock and awe file is standard advice here on SI, hit her hard and fast, take the kids and the money, 180, you can change your mind if she responds the way you want her to, etc etc, but I realized we never hear the flip side of it from the WS.

Hi! I'm very new here and not positive of all the abbreviations.

My husband and I are reconciling. We've been together for 27 years and I cheated for the first time 6 months ago. He just found out on June 14th. We decided to stay together.

I am not in a similar situation as far as the divorce and custody but I am the primary caregiver to our 2 boys and he wouldn't know what to do without me lol

Sounds like he is very angry and wanting to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I hope it works out.

and he wouldn't know what to do without me lol

That's a pretty bold thing to say. Most WS's bank on the BS not leaving so I'm actually not surprised by this.

Keep reading here.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:53 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)]

Crazyblinded: That wasn’t a helpful comment or a response to my original question. Do you have a personal experience or thoughts to share? If not I’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from thread jacking with criticism towards those who are answering my question. Several users have PMd me rather than sharing on this thread for this exact reason.

Well I apologize for the thread jack. A BS or a WS can survive without the other. I take issue with selfish attitude and behavior that still represents WS mindset.

As far as the shock and awe method. I think it's the best way to go with a WS that is not remorseful.

Crazyblindsided: DID YOU FILE FOR D? DID YOUR SPOUSE FILE FOR D? Do you have something to add about YOUR experience? No? It really doesn’t seem like you do? Please start your own thread then.

Poppy- I hope you read my pm to you.

The thing that I have learn with all this there is a lot that comes from an A. Everything under the sun is questioned and everything is linked to the A. Someone who files for D because of infidelity is not a easy thing to do and we can’t accept that person to be nice about it. Everything your H did is because you hurt him. I filed for D before my H knew about my A. When we got back together and I told him about my A, he had it in his mind that’s why I filed. It was not. But because of my actions of the A why would he think different? We use to fight all the time about the stuff we were fighting about during the D. Not just about why I did but about who did what n why. We didn’t see eye to eye about most. What I had to do was let go of those fights. I had the A. I cheated. I had to Focus on my part and own up to that. Our M would never survive if we were fighting about our past A related or not. I destroyed my H and M because of what I did. All of the other stuff was just minor things that we could work out but I had to think about the real damage I caused before we could figure out all the other stuff. I stop fighting about our fights and let it go. It didn’t matter what he did or what I did when it come to our D. I wanted to focus on the bigger picture and that was my infidelity.

If you want to R you need to start letting go of those things. To me it sounds like your too focus on your H’s actions then your own actions. You can’t change him. My H put me through a lot during the D but I need to that go. When people hurt other people they do things to hurt them back. It’s part of our human nature to respond like that. You hurt your H and his goal was to hurt you and protect himself from getting hurt again. I can’t blame my H for him to think thats why I filed for D. I cheated.

How do think your H should of reacted to all this?

Godheals: I PMd you back.

PRIVATE MESSAGE FEATURE: Please do not publicly post Private Messages that you've received. Also, do not share your Private Messages with other members unless you've received permission from the original sender. Public PM requests are not permitted on the forums.

I did not post or share any PMs, nor did I request any.

Things I wanted to add Poppy ask yourself do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life with your H? Holding on and living in the past? I understand all too well and know what your going through BUT I realized at some point if I could not let go and take full responsibility of MY actions HOW is the world do you think your H will ever do the same? You can’t not expect him to let go and move on if your unwilling to do the same. It’s a never ending cycle that is so freaking exhausting!!!! I got so sick of living in past and being so mad at my H. I can’t NOT change the past. I can change the future! It’s a waste of time holding on to the past. I didn’t want a M where we were both so stuck in the past that consumed our future! Even if my H never wanted to take responsibility for his actions from the past I knew I DID NOT want to live this way for ME. If I could start to let go and move on from this MAYBE one day my H could find peace from the past also. Guess what? WE DID. We are living a life where neither one of us is no longer throwing the past in each other’s face. We are living a life where the past is not longer holding us down.

It was the hardest thing I ever did was letting go because I wanted to keep throwing that in his face. I wanted to win. I wanted to be just as right as him. But then I stared to think is this how I wanted to live with my H? NO. We have four kids. A house. A business. Bills. Appointments. We have to live life NOW being stuck in the past. It’s exhausting to try to function in everyday life with your mind thinking about what he did! I HATED that. I needed to let go. I had to take that first step. Did I want to be RIGHT or did I want PEACE? More importantly do I want my H to have peace? I want my H to have peace and be able to move on in order for our M to work and for that to happen I myself needed to LET GO! Take responsibility reguadless if what he did. At this moment I don’t not care what he did in the past. I will no longer let the past take over my future. It was super hard for me to let go of the things he did to me during our D. The things he tried to pulled and was willing to do. But here’s the thing if our M had a chance to survive from infidelity which is the hardest thing to EVER overcome I HAD TO LET GO! Everything he did was nothing compared to ME bring in another man into M. Yes what he did hurt but the hurt I caused him by cheating will never touched what he did to me. EVER! The best thing I did was letting go SO my H could find his peace from my actions. This NOT the life you want to live. It’s exhausting women! So freaking exhausting!

Last night my H and I sat on our kids swing set like two little kids playing at the park. Kids were inside sleeping and we were sitting together side by side talking, laughing and me telling him that I getting him football tickets to go see his all time favorite team. Him telling me we can’t afford it. Bull crap we can’t. His going with one of kids, driving 9 hours away and seeing his team. This turning into me having a bad moment with my mom and thinking about the cousin I lost last year. Him losing his mom back in March. We both cryed together. Him telling me he has my back do you have my back? Of course I do. Telling me he loves me. Getting to this awesome moments with my H stared with ME letting go. We still ya e our day to day problems and we still fight. That’s M. But we no longer let the past hold us back. Why? Because I let go and take responsibility over and over again regardless of what he did. Now we are at a point he does say his sorry for the part. I don’t care anymore. It’s been a super hard road getting to this point but it’s was so worth the fight to get there. Times when I did not think we would not make it. I had to let go of the outcome, let go of the past, own up to my A over and over again. Do not let the past hold you back if your M has any chance of surving. It takes so much time and effort but one day you can get there! But it’s ALL STARTS WITH YOU!!