SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This question is to both WS and BS:

Why do you think that WSs do not initiate conversations about sexual damage done by the affair ?

There are obvious problems done by the affair such as creating comparison and competition issues between the BS and AP.

If I were the WS I would immediately start conversations with the BS building them up and highlighting all their great

/ better qualities vs the AP.

Are WS simply too self-centered to bring up the affair and address the obvious sexual problems caused by their actions ?

Because such conversations contain the implicit assumption that the WS did something wrong.

Because such conversations are difficult and uncomfortable.

Because WS are selfish by definition.

Note that an active or non-practicing WS, as opposed to fWS by amount of work done on themselves, is selfish by definition.

[This message edited by devotedman at 5:02 PM, August 7th, 2018 (Tuesday)]

Min ,many WS's will be in " cover their own ass" mode and trickle truth the BS to death.

Many BS'S have to struggle really hard to slowly pry the truth out of their WS'S.

So, if your WW is not talking and being truthful, she is engaging in TT.

I'm so sorry.

Devotedman

Yes. I suppose you are correct. My WW hasn't brought up any topic that would obviously cause me pain.

I wonder if all WWs simply avoid the topics that cause their BS pain.

I am guessing that during the affair, communication was not at its best. So after the affair, it is probably even harder for a WS to communicate with the BS.

Heart-

The WS plunges the BS into incredible pain that lasts years. Only a sociopath would not see the pain of a BS and do something about it.

I do think there are sociopathic tendencies in WSs who are not yet remorseful.

I believe my wife has sociopathic tendencies.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 6:39 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

Heart-

Are you a BS or WS ?

Well I know my WS wouldn't give even a peep about his sexual escapades with the whore nor do I care to know, but he still maintains that he is a 'good person' throughout all this

The very nature of an affair is avoidant, self absorbed and seeking to mask pain.

If WS"s were immediately the type to come talk to you about the damage they have done by having the affair then they would have been the type of people to come talk to you about problems before the affair.

Expecting them to change overnight into something they historically are not is setting yourself up for disappointment IMO.

For most WS's learning compassion, empathy and frankly just to think about how their actions even affect others takes time and patience.

Betrayed Wife

This site has been awesome for me to relate to other BSs but it has been painful to read about so many WS that are still not remorseful years after the affair and the amount of misery that causes their BS.

My wife is not remorseful now and I doubt she is a good candidate since she is so selfish in the rest of her life.

In some respects this site makes me incredibly sad and and it other respects it makes me hopeful.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 7:36 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

Sorry for the pain that you are feeling. It is an incredibly painful process. Each person is different. Try to take good care of yourself right now as you are dealing with this incredible trauma.

There is a wealth of information here and support.

No matter what you decide to do, you can make it through this.

There is life beyond infidelity.

Thanks Heart

Deciding what to do is rolling dice on the future. If I decide to divorce I lose half of my retirement and may lose a wife who will "get it" soon and become a great wife.

If I stay with her I can keep my retirement savings and probably live in misery waiting for her to change.

Reading about Waywards on this site does not make me hopeful about R.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 7:49 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

What you are asking is why don't they understand exactly how you feel, about a particular issue.

Since most people aren't mind readers, YOU are going to have to bring this issue up, and discuss it with her.

And, honestly, it's an issue you should deal with in IC, because it's your issue, not hers. (Yes she had the affair; no, she is not telling you every day how big/awesome he was (U assume - If she is? Leave her. Now))

It's an issue that is in your head.

While the WS does need to do some heavy lifting to help repair the marruage, they can't be expected to understand every possible thing you are anxious about. That's just not possible.

Deciding what to do is rolling dice on the future. If I decide to divorce I lose half of my retirement and may lose a wife who will "get it" soon and become a great wife.

If I stay with her I can keep my retirement savings and probably live in misery waiting for her to change.

We all are in fear we divorce them and then they fix themselves and the next guy gets the new and improved wife. Fact is, that rarely happens. You are just hoping she will change, when she has SHOWN you that she isn't going to

Hope isn't a plan (or: Hope in one hand; shit in the other. See which one fills up first)

WornDown-

I never had any sexual issues until my wife fucked another man dozens of times. It is her issue too. She caused the issue. She caused all the affair issues.

I don't buy the idea that the WS fixes the WS and the BS fixes the BS.

The WS caused all the problems by committing adultery. It is primarily their mess to clean up.

Additionally. I asked why WS don't initiate conversations about sexual damage. Some of the other posters think it is becaue they are selfish and avoidant. This describes my wife.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 9:18 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

No. It's your issue.

Yes her actions caused you to have this issue, but it is yours. (I got a knee blown out by a guy who put his into the side of mine. He caused the damage, but it was up to me to heal)

Your question in the first post presupposes that all men suffer this "sexual damamge."

You're pretty fresh to thus, so you are going to have a fair number of issues to work through. Some your WW will need to do the big efforts (NC, transparency), some you will do together, and some you will need to do on your own

I'm really sorry you are comparing yourself to the AP, but that's your own issue to work out - why are you comparing yourself to fantasy land? why are you putting your self-esteem at the mercy of what you THINK the AP is all about? I'm sure there are other questions.

it's why IC is important for the BS.

Additionally. I asked why WS don't initiate conversations about sexual damage. Some of the other posters think it is becaue they are selfish and avoidant. This describes my wife.

It's very easy to blame the WS for everything right after Dday.

Fact is, they don't know what you are going through. How could they? Yet you are expecting her to know EXACTLY what YOU are going through.

I didn't compare myself to AP, but I did have mind movies. Did your WW ask you if you were having mind movies? why not! But if you aren't having mind movies, that's not a real big deal to you, now is it?

WSs are human too. Deeply flawed, but still human. It's going to take them time to understand the depth of the damage they caused, and time to learn what they can do to help fix that damage.

If you are expecting perfect understanding from the get go, you will likely be disappointed. It's a reason this takes years, not weeks to recover from.

The WS caused all the problems by committing adultery. It is primarily their mess to clean up.

No it is not. You both have parts to play in the "clean up."

you will find that you will need to heal, and grow, in some ways on your own. It's just the way it is. If you expect her to heal YOU, you will be disappointed.

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:39 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

WornDown-

I disagree with your knee analogy.

She caused all my sexual damage. She can clear up some or all of the damage by addressing details of her sexual relationship with her AP.

Many BS on this site said after they got all the sexual details they were somewhat relieved because their imaginations were worse than the reality. Many WS on this site described their AP sex as average. I would love to hear my wife say her AP sex was average. ( if she was emotionally intelligent or less self-obsessed she would initiate this conversation without me asking and tell me her AP sex was just average. If she had any emotional intelligence at all she would understand that BS compare themselves to the AP and she could simply say her sex with the AP was average and she had less orgasms or no orgasms because the only way she has orgasm is via oral and it takes a damn long time for her to orgasm. If she had any emotional intelligence or was less self-obsessed she could address my if my sexual issues with a fifteen minute conversation. ( the exact details of this conversation could vary- it doesn't have to be orgasms )

I strongly disagree with the sentiment on this site that WS heals WS and BS heals BS. In fact the book Not Just Friends points out the irony that the BS needs the WS to heal despite the WS being the source of the pain.

Additionally. The WS must establish a new value proposition for the marriage. For example the WS decreased the quality of the relationship for years to come by fucking someone else. The WS could take actions to make life better for the BS such as cooking great dinners, taking over all household chores, more and better sex, take time to find fun and interesting things to do on the weekend ( my wife is doing some of these things - all WSs should compensate and make life better for the BS because they destroyed their BSs life )

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 10:13 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]

I strongly disagree with the sentiment on this site that WS heals WS and BS heals BS. In fact the book Not Just Friends points out the irony that the BS needs the WS to heal despite the WS being the source of the pain.

did you read anything that I wrote? Did I say BS/WS just heal themselves? No, I did not.

As for the rest of your post - you seem to think that your WW needs to do everything to help you heal. You seem to be completely abdicating any responsibility for your own healing. Well, grow up and start working on yourself

This is what? Your 3rd thread about the sexual details of your WW's affair? Clearly you have an issue with this (not unexpected). Are you discussing why this is such an issue for you in IC? What can you be doing to try and get past this?

Or are you just expecting your WW to magically fix you?

If you have questions, maybe you should ask her? Again, people can not read minds, so expecting her to know what is on your mind is not realistic.

As for her doing household chores to make you more comfortable in the marriage...really? That is a very warped sense of how your marriage should be moving forward. If you think her affair entitled you to Lord over her for eternity, *I'd* advise HER to divorce YOU.

I understand you are very angry and want some kind of score settling, but the sad fact is it will never be "even.". You either learn to live with that, or you D.

[This message edited by WornDown at 10:41 PM, August 7th (Tuesday)]