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has anyone else noticed that most cheaters seem to be around the 20, 25 year mark? midlife or what?

We have been married 25 years, I always assumed mid life crisis but now I don't know maybe exit affair, maybe runaway husband

Yes! I see / hear about more and more divorces to people that have been married for a long time .... I just hit my 20 year anniversary this summer.

Obviously, infidelity can hit at any stage of marriage, BUT I think you see it a lot at the 20, 25, + year mark because some people are in a better place financially (access to hotels, career/ company events), the kids are growing up and leaving the nest, and maybe it's just the whole mid-life thing for some ....

I know that many cheaters aren't always planning to leave the M and that they are enjoying their cake-eating, but if the A was an exit strategy, they maybe feel like they are in a position to D when they weren't before. And slightly less guilt if the kids are older ...

[This message edited by Zamboni at 10:54 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]

My dday was three months shy of my 24th anniversary. It was for sure an exit affair. He said “I’m not going to be alone.” He flat out said as much, that he was unhappy with me and wanted to leave, but not if it meant being alone. So yeah, it’s a thing.

I do not know....maybe its the cynic in me after reading so many posts on boards like SI.....

But my first inclination in a situation like this would be that it took 20 or 25 years for them to make enough mistakes for me to finally catch them.....

No way would I automatically assume that they had been ‘good’ for those first 20 years.....

Enough threads around here where a WS gets caught around this time in the M....and lo and behold, evidence of other A’s 5, 10, or more years in the past is discovered as the BS recalls odd red flags they dismissed years before and then finally decides to look into them.

My XH cheated and left during our tenth year and I made a post about how I saw a lot of affairs that were happening at the ten year mark once I joined this site. I vividly remember someone replying to me with "Honey, haven't you ever hear that's it's a Seven Year Itch and a Ten Year Ditch?" (it's not funny that that it happened; it's funny that I remember reading that reply like it was yesterday......

Yes, I've noticed that too. We were at 29 years when he started up. How tragic to throw all those years of partnership, parenting and love...for trash.

His first EA was before we were married 10 years. It was a 4 year EA.

His second A we were married 25 years. It was a one year A.

Don’t understand either one.

Second A he wanted a D.

If I remember correctly, in "Not Just Friends," there's a part that lists statistics, and the average age of a relationship during an A is 9 years.

My WS's A began when right around our 8th wedding anniversary, but after we had been together for about 9.5 years...

This might be a natural "kids are independent" phenomenon where people stuck in bad marriages while the kids were small. Or equally likely it's confirmation bias since we are all self-reporting here.

That said, the ex and I were married exactly 20 years, together 25 at the time of her affair and D.

Also looking back it wasn't her first A. Solid evidence of an A at exactly 10 years marriage!

So there you go!

Also, I feel like people connect to/remember posts that are similar to their situations?

Because, for me, I've noticed a lot of posts where they were together for 8/9/10 years, AND/OR they have a little baby or A started during pregnancy.

Someome above commented about A's happening for empty nesters, but I also feel like they're super prevalent when a BS's hormones are all outta whack and they're busy keeping a new human alive.

Meanwhile the poor widdle WS feels *so* lonely and neglected because of the new baby (aka their child they should also be taking care of) that they go elsewhere to have their needs filled... conveniently also neglecting the fact that their BS probably doesn't have time to take a shower every day or get around to drinking a cup of coffee while it's still hot... but I digress.

My dday was this past October, 7 months before our 25th anniversary. To my knowledge, the only A he ever had. Never saw it coming....still can’t believe after so many years together that he was able to do this. It’s crossed my mind that it could’ve been a midlife crisis - idk. Maybe he felt more confident that I wouldn’t leave at this stage in the relationship and just wanted to have cake & eat it too. He does say he wasn’t happy in our marriage but he sure seemed happy to me! Scary how someone can appear to be happy and then be so miserable they have an A!!

A's often occur at "nodes" in the marriage - points of paradigm shift. 20-25 years is often the empty nest point for many couples. Couples with kids invest a giant amount of energy into them. When the kids leave, there is a void that each spouse must fill in some way. Some spouses fill the void with more of each other. Some don't.

My xWW started her betraying at the 15 year mark. I suppose it was a nice, round figure to her.

My husbands was when he was 38 and we were 8year mark. I hold more to it being a mid-life crisis. Almost in his 40s. He moved out of his parents really early. Right after high school ended. We moved away from family. We had an infant and toddler in the house. He had that 7year itch. Perfect Storm.

For some that married young, then the 20 year mark might be their mid-life crisis along with being empty nesters.

I wonder more if being in a young family makes too much stress the males can't handle it men have affairs/some women have affairs because some men don't help (not all there are exceptions; just the women I know this seems the dynamics) and being in an empty nest is facing loss of identity and responsibility.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 9:53 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

His first bout of EAs/PA started at about the 12.5-year mark. But I don’t know that I would attribute it to duration as much as to opportunity. He had just gotten to a place where he was working from home while I was still going into an office every day. That gave him a lot of unobserved free time, and he took advantage of it. Fast-forward to now, and he’s fully retired, while I’m still in the office every day. He has nothing to take away from his lovebug time except a few household chores. But he’s emboldened now, and will even communicate with her while I’m home, sitting right next to him (he thinks he’s super clever and stealthy).

[This message edited by risingtide at 9:54 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

has anyone else noticed that most cheaters seem to be around the 20, 25 year mark? midlife or what?

I read a very interesting book that attributed main reasons for divorce based on the length of the marriage. The book was called, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan. This book was more of relationship book for IC's rather than an affair book.

The 20 to 25 marriage range was of interest to me, because that was where my marriage was during the time of the affair. At this time, a spouse struggling with the relationship can become bored and/or disenfranchised with the marriage. With the kids gone or pretty much grown, they begin to feel that life is passing them by. They often feel unfulfilled in their current role and may blame their spouse and the marriage as the cause of their unhappiness. They begin to seek ways to escape their perceived unhappiness and unfulfilled life (some people call this a mid life crisis). In some cases they try to leave the marriage. This would involve making new friends and finding a soft place to land. In turn, This requires finding an AP to support them emotionally (and sometimes physically) after the divorce. They may not even love the AP, but just need someone to help transition their new life. (This is the reason why so many relationships fail where the WS leaves the marriage for the AP).

For these long term marriages, usually the divorce is blamed on the affair, but in reality, the true "why" for an affair is often the WS's desire to escape the marriage and/or change their life. You often see this discussed on SI, in both the Wayward and Reconciliation forums, where they talk about getting to the true "Why" for the affair. The affair is often just a symptom of far greater problems in the marriage. That's why it takes a skilled IC to address the real underlying issues for the affair.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:11 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

My wife started in year 24.

A's often occur at "nodes" in the marriage - points of paradigm shift. 20-25 years is often the empty nest point for many couples. Couples with kids invest a giant amount of energy into them. When the kids leave, there is a void that each spouse must fill in some way. Some spouses fill the void with more of each other. Some don't.

I agree with ButfortheGrace here. These “nodes” or benchmarks (pregnancy, parental death, empty nest, job change) are usually milestones in a marriage where coping skills are tested. Those who got ‘em overcome. Those that don’t, self medicate with ego kibbles, alcohol, drugs - and probably a host of marriage challenging behaviours to get through the internal struggle.

The affair is often just a symptom of far greater problems in the marriage.

I don’t know HardenMyHeart. This sounds too much like you’re blaming marriage problems for the affair.