SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know HardenMyHeart. This sounds too much like you’re blaming marriage problems for the affair.

Oh God no. I'm blaming the WS so called unhappiness for the affair. If that's how you interpreted what I said, I really need to learn how to communicate better. Here is what I actually I said:

For these long term marriages, usually the divorce is blamed on the affair, but in reality, the true "why" for an affair is often the WS's desire to escape the marriage and/or change their life.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:29 AM, August 17th (Friday)]

Thanks for the info HardenMyHeart. It sounds reasonable. I will look for the book.

Yes we were together 20 years when I was almost traded in for a younger model..

What I thought was DDay 1, was at 25 years...as things unfolded, and I came to learn and see more things, I believe he was a serial cheater....I realized he was an alcoholic, and the three put together , meant he cheated all along, and got sloppy as his alcoholism grew, and his illness grew..I would say he stayed for the money, but he also cheated when we were broke...we were the image...he planned to cheat. Its what he believes in , its what he lives for. What I mostly learned, is we really cant know what they do...much less why...

I also believe, he knew he was caught this time...it was the final straw, and he ran away...He had no choice.

I did believe it was midlife crisis, I thought it was a nervous breakdown, I thought he didn't love me anymore... HE did it for joy...He became very mean and in my face about it. He continues to this day, as we divorce...he had a girlfriend for 10 months leading up to. HE Relapsed. I wonder now, as he was failing over and over, was he trying to push me out? make me leave? I believe some part of all these things. He is self destructive. He is delusional...Who knows... its destroyed..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:07 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

BC my WH's LTA AP was an old GF that was secret from me for the 27 yrs we'd been together at dday, it's hard to say if that was start of EA, or later when she began to share more intimate details of her life (I guess it's an arguable point - tho I believe having lunch with an old GF, GOING TO HER APARTMENT, and not telling your live-in lover / soon to be wife about it is a betrayal in & of itself)....

So -

possible EA from day 1 (to extent OW was a secret WH insists "nothing was going on" but has been wholly unable to provide ANY explanation as to why he kept this one person a secret from me from day 1)

Definite EA 10 years after began dating (7yrs after M)

PA began 14 years after M/ 17 years together (if PA is sex, but they kissed 1-2 yrs before sex, so could say the PA began 12-13 yrs after M)

Sex began 3 years after WH's mother died (his dad had died many many years before), so the "node" thing was probably at work. Is >50 still "mid-life crisis?". One kid had left for college (my child from prior - so WH's stepchild), but we still had a DD at home - at a tender age of 12 - when PA began.

WH had several "work wives" throughout the M, that post dday research I now see at least some of which were EAs...

Of course, all this assumes WH is being honest - and I'm not really sure about that.

I think infidelity is just part of my WH's character/moral philosophy.... and after "living" on SI for awhile, seems I'm not alone.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:30 PM, August 17th, 2018 (Friday)]

People begin to question there attract-ability as physical qualities begin to deteriorate. I've never cheated and do not need affirmation, however I told my wife and mom at dinner on Sunday that I received two unsolicited "you're so handsome" comments from two different women on consecutive days. Admittedly, it boosted my confidence a little, as I'm in my 50's.

It was brought up because of a running joke between my mom, brother and I. My mom and dad never told my brother or I that we were handsome, however all of my friends were told so by there parents. So jokingly my brother and I brought this to her attention a few years back and we all got a big kick out of it and have been joking about it ever since.

For my brother and I, it turned out perfect though as not receiving such complimentary growing up by our parents made us very humble, and not believing we were anything special in the looks department. In fact, I was quiet and super shy, so women thought I was standoff-ish. However despite being told and shown many times as I grew older by females that I was attractive, I never believed them.

Back to your point though. I think between physical qualities decreasing and possibly the need to receive affirmation of ones beauty or handsomeness, I can see how it would lead to late marital stage affairs. Of course, there are so many other factors, but attraction validation certainly is a big one.

We were at the 22 year mark in our marriage, together 27 when she decided the grass was greener elsewhere.

Kids were older, less dependent.....

Our marriage was in the doldrums, I felt it too, but it was because we didn't invest in ourselves... not because we were incompatible.

I think my wife was just so damn determined to avoid conflict that she never told me she was having problems. Or.. maybe I didn't hear her... but if that is the case, she was never point blank about it.

Suddenly here comes a new guy telling her she is cute and whammo!

Exit - stage right!

Most cheaters??

? How would any of us "notice" when "most cheaters" cheat? I surely don't know most. I only know a few; I know my H and about 12 others because of the groups Im in. And many were cheating their whole married life!!! Some started just a couple of years into it. Some after 50 years.

There are no dependable statistics on any of this. And what difference would it make?

Whatever happened to the "7 year itch?" I planned a trip out of the country for (then and unbeknownst to me) WH for our 20th anniversary. Yep, he was just heating it up with his 3rd OW at the time we spent a "lovely" vacation together which was very sexy and romantic. I had no clue that 2 days after our anniversary he would fuck her for the first time. Great.

I've noticed it around here a lot, too. Wasn't sure if it was real or just me being sensitized to that number due it's personal connection.

My Wh PA started the month after our 21st anniversary.

WW started the adultery in the 25th year of marriage. We celebrated our 25th at church. It was with a COW that she supervised. All daughters away from home that year at university (oldest had graduated already). COW was physically attractive and nice to her so why not. I found out 7 years after it was over.

Google "gray divorce" and you will see how more common divorce has become for the baby boomer generation. Fastest growing rate for divorce currently. Many are caused by infidelity in the past or present.

Some attribute use of ciallis or viagra and porn to higher cheating by 50 to 60s age range married men. People who become obsessed with porn tend to escalate into IRL situations.

There is also trend where married women in their 40s are cheating more. They are a common age bracket where the 50 to 60 year old married whore monger men look to for their selection of willing and available whores.

Very sad situation indeed.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:34 AM, August 18th (Saturday)]

24 year M here. I too was blindsided. But in hindsight I can see that WH did cheat very early in our M. I trusted him completely. So I guess I made it easy for him.

I do not think most WS are looking to leave the M. I think the majority want some fun on the side but never plan to disrupt their home. My WH, after he got caught, said he never wanted to leave me, he loved me. But “all men need variety.” He could’ve easily been with OW after I kicked him out, but he didn’t.

Also just to add. I don’t think an A is a symptom of a bad M. I think the opposite is true. When one person has the propensity to cheat, it then causes other problems in the M.

My husband began cheating at the 12 year mark, DD came 10 years earlier.

We had been together 10 years before marriage so 22 years in total before he began his erotic massage habit. Fits right into the 20-25 year mark

Married 23 years here. As a matter of fact, phone records showed that my WW was talking to her OM on our anniversary.

Ugh.

[This message edited by notbeyondrepair at 2:17 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]

I was rethinking this last night.....I wonder about our generation...

Most of us were single in the 80's...it was a very loose time...

I remember it was hard to find a long term boyfriend...no commitments...it was often told to me...lots of drugs..alcohol. So much sex..at least in my world...I did not engage in these things...I was looking for a long term commitment, even then...

Maybe it carried over? Just a thought. I know my WH was very much wild in the 80's. Maybe this is who he always was. He just thought he had grown up.

has anyone else noticed that most cheaters seem to be around the 20, 25 year mark?

Most cheaters?

No. But what I have noticed that many will find stories that are somewhat like their own (as in problems starting at 20 or 25 years) and start to categorize in their minds that this equals "most."

I've seen many threads here that seem to claim "most" occur at 7 or 8 or 10 years.

Or in the first two years...or...

I've also seen threads that claim "more cops" (pilots, teachers, nurses, doctors, most any other profession) cheat than any other group of people.

You will likely find groups of other people who fit similar circumstances to your own but that does not mean that most cheating circumstances and details are similar.

We were at the 25 year mark. In my case I don’t think it was how long we were married, but where she as in her life. Kids left home so her job as full time mom was done. We were all doing exciting things while in her mind she had no real practical job skills so she felt stuck

On top of that, in her mind, she was feeling like her looks were going. Walking down the streets my daughters were getting more attention than her. What is unfortunate at that time she was still super hot and in great shape. The affair cost her a lot of her looks. Mild depression, overeating, lack of gym motivation. So what was supposed to reinforce her esteem, destroyed it

Some player comes along, tells her how smart she was, how beautiful, and bang they end up in my bed

It would have happened if we were married only 10 years

22 years at D-day #1 (OW #1)

23 years at D-day #2 (OW #2)

Kids were older, less dependent.....

Our marriage was in the doldrums, I felt it too, but it was because we didn't invest in ourselves... not because we were incompatible.

I think my wife was just so damn determined to avoid conflict that she never told me she was having problems. Or.. maybe I didn't hear her... but if that is the case, she was never point blank about it.

Similar circumstances in a nutshell.

I read the other thread on this too. And, I want to start out by saying this isn't the REASON for the affair...what year or stage of the marriage. Obviously there is a whole other camp when put in the same circumstances doesn't cheat.

However, I do wonder if there are stages that someone with some wayward dispositions are more inclined. (Maybe not a serial cheater/Sex Addict situation?)

The reason I think the question is valid is certainly there would have been plenty of other opportunities for me to cheat. I once sat on a plane with a guy who did a lot of traveling for his job, which was the same for me at that point in my life. I don't usually talk to people on planes other than "I am sitting there" or "Hello". Anyway, he kept striking up a conversation with me and telling me about his wife and kids. Near the end of the plane trip, he gave me his card with his hotel information on the back and cell number. He said "let's meet up later". I handed it back to him and said "No thank you. I am happily married and that would not be appropriate."

I have been at conferences where men have tried to flirt with me (conferences are ripe with hookups, you could watch it at the dancing events and such), I have had one that kept trying to touch my leg under the table that I actually kicked in his shin wearing pointy high-healed shoes so he would stop without having to say things in front of the rest of the table, others that have asked me to dance and once when I declined, they said that I was losing points with them? To that guy I said I wasn't trying to make points and I left.

Anyway, I am not looking for a medal for all those times, but there were many, many times and I was not even tempted. I didn't believe it to be in my DNA. I was disgusted with some of it, and other things I would laugh about later but either way my H was hearing about it. There were even times I knew I could have cheated with the AP over for years prior to when it happened, and that wasn't interesting to me either, I didn't even come close to crossing a boundary. And, outwardly he didn't really either to the point I would have avoided him, I just knew he made subtle hints he would be down for it - but in the way he would have been down for it with just about any woman who was. Probably why I saw him as harmless, I never saw him as someone I would actually cheat with...until I did.

So, I do question if there are life events or perfect storms, or places in time that if you have certain tendencies - external validation being my biggest one, that some might be more susceptible than others. Again, this is not an excuse, people can choose to do the right thing, I could have and should have chosen to do the right thing.

I read some of the BS responses on the similar thread of times they might have been slightly tempted and they realized they were lonely and went home and worked to fix that feeling with their spouse. I can definitely say I was the loneliest I have ever been when the A started up. I suppose it's how one copes with it - how one decides to turn it around or escape.

I doubt there is a magic area that someone cheats. But, I do wonder if there are certain junctures that could mean different things about the cheater's individual issues? Like someone who cheats just out of the gate in marriage might have different issues than someone who cheats in the 7,8, 10 year mark. And, that would be different for someone who didn't cheat until somewhere after 20 years. Not that one of those cheaters is worse than another, but their "issues" kicked in differently? Noone would probably ever be able to tell us with any certainty.

But, for us 20+ folks...seems like there are similarities in a lot of the stories. External validation sources have dried up, lack of hobbies/passions, not investing in oneself and probably far less energy in investing in the relationship, etc. It doesn't seem to match "who we were before", though in reality those behaviors or needs just had a different outlet.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:06 AM, August 20th (Monday)]