Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: sccssx

Wayward Side :
Breaking out of the "victim mentality"

This Topic is Archived
default

 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 5:23 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

Thank you all. There is so much here and I can't reply to everyone individually. You all can see right through me and through my bullshit, it seems as if you know me. I was just saying to a friend this morning that all the new WS's that come here and complain about how "hard" the BS's are on them, well, they should read this thread and see that almost every response was from a BS, bending over backwards to help a WS, and to try and help save a marriage. I know they say BS's shouldn't be swinging 2x4's in here but I thank you for them, and please keep 'em coming when necessary. This is is why SI is so amazing, thank you so much for caring and for trying. Early on, I asked my wife to "stick with me", and so far, despite my failure to stop hurting her, she has done so, and so have you SI.

I am just so sick of being this person that I am. I am so done with hurting her. I've been carrying around this victim-hood and adolescent anger for so long now, and it is like a weight tied around my heart, a constant burden, and yet I keep dragging it around. ISSF has been nothing but patient and supportive and sacrificial of her love and tolerance through all of this, and I want nothing more than to take her hand and hold her and walk together through this, through life. I can't do that while dragging this victim identity around. I need to get a divorce. I need to divorce this FOO bullshit because I can't be married to ISFF and to my pain at the same time. There isn't room for both of them in my life. But I need to get it done soon because otherwise there may not be a choice left.

You are wearing your FOO victimhood like a child wears a security blanket. You hide behind it when the world gets tough. Then get mad at the world when they point out you are hiding behind your security blanket. Then scream and cry and push out at the person who tells you to man up, get out from the damn blanket and deal.

You already get it. You already know your issues. You can articulate your shortcomings better than anyone else on here.

That just isn’t enough. Being very aware of your faults is not enough. Further explaining you understand your faults is not enough. No action comes from that. I don’t think you have recently gained much more insight by posting here because of *the way* you’ve been posting here. That is not meant rudely OR to discourage you from posting. I just mean what I just said: you already know your issues. And I think you have for a while. So start doing. Start asking for and ACCEPTING advice. The external introspection isn’t always needed. The back and forth isn’t always needed. The contemplation isn’t always needed. Not when you’ve been contemplating the same thing for .. a year? You have the necessary insight. Focusing just on your shortcomings isn’t working. Focus on getting help for them.

DaddyDom - you are doing it again.... hiding behind your FOO and CPSTD as why you keep hurting ISSF

I catch myself saying “he did this TO me” or “I’m like this BECAUSE of him”... I stop. Not because those aren’t valid feelings. But because I refuse to identify as a victim. Because victims are sad and stuck, and identifying as a victim disempowers me. I’m absolutely not going to marginalize myself, even though it’s easy and justified. I am more than his choices. I am not defined by my abuser. And you shouldn’t be either.

You do get a benefit from clinging onto the victimhood, so what is it? Does it allow you to avoid being truly responsible and accountable for yourself and your actions? Are you using it as another means to get validation, rather than learning to validate yourself? Do you use it as a means to avoid difficult situations, emotions, etc?

What scares you about letting it go? Are you afraid of not having an identity (sense of self) without it? Who are you without the victimhood?

This is the whole problem. You do not realize you are an adult. You are not a child. You are a grown up.

“If the rules by which you have lived have brought you to this place what use are those rules?”

DaddyDom - man up, get your head out of the past and the past and deal with the here and now. Or you will be left alone with neither, sitting like Conan - king of his kingdom - all alone in his chair, crown all askew, wondering "what the f*** happened"

The answer to "WHY?" you continue to fall back on your "victim status":

Because it's comfortable, because it's familiar, because it's easy, because you can.

You got to stop transferring your wife into that role of your parents...You are angry and lashing out. Your wife isn't the cause of that.

I'm going to contact my MC today and get some recommendations for a good IC.

In the meantime, I'm trying to let it go. I keep telling myself I am not a victim now and that my wife loves me and isn't someone who is going to hurt me, she is someone I can trust.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 11:24 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8233455
default

Iwantmyglasses ( member #57205) posted at 8:44 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

I think you should write a list out of all ways you hurt your wife. Including introducing your kids to your AP. How this was ever justified—I cannot understand.

Even in “owning” the pain Inflicted on your wife you still make it about you.

I think you should read the book “Unbroken”. He truly had every right to live in misery. He was horrible to his wife. He was able to turn himself around.

posts: 3053   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8233591
default

Zugzwang ( member #39069) posted at 9:40 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

While your making that list make a column next to it and see if you can tie similar behavior to your parents. Good stuff to talk about in IC.

"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt
D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS



posts: 4938   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2013
id 8233619
default

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:53 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

DaddyDom do you tell your wife how grateful you are for the chance she’s giving you? Are you telling her what you write here? Did you tell her exactly what you wrote here in your last post?

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1857   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8233628
default

 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 11:05 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

I think you should write a list out of all ways you hurt your wife.

This is a great idea, thank you.

Including introducing your kids to your AP. How this was ever justified—I cannot understand.

I was the one who did it and I still can't understand how I justified that either. It was me, there doing those things. I love my wife, I love my kids, and I loved the life and the family we had created... yet in that time period, I was cold and callous and emotionally immature on a grand scale. I am still coming to terms with that. I can admit it and discuss it freely, but something inside of me is fighting owning it like hell. I am fighting that part of me like hell. I need to own my own shit.

DaddyDom do you tell your wife how grateful you are for the chance she’s giving you? Are you telling her what you write here? Did you tell her exactly what you wrote here in your last post?

I do, but not often enough for sure, and when I backslide and say something hurtful, it makes it harder for her to believe in anything I say or do. She doesn't trust anything I say at this point, and I can't blame her, so it is a case of actions over words. She does read all my posts and I read hers.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8233661
default

gtflng ( member #63002) posted at 11:13 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

Reading each others posts is a bit meaningless. Because you have an audience here. And we all hold back some things, because it’s a giant forum and everyone has barriers they keep up.

You aren’t breaking through your complex PTSD alone. You’ve had decades to work on your history of abuse and subsequent victim mentality. D-E-C-A-D-E-S. You didn’t. And now you’ve had an affair and inflicted traumatizing abuse on your family. The abused becomes the abuser. Different abuse, but abuse. YOU, victim of relational (and other) trauma, inflicted relational trauma. I think that’s the risk one takes when they do not seek help. You weren’t raised properly. You weren’t given the tools. And not just that, your development was horrificly stunted via the abuse you endured. Now you’re an adult. You can help yourself! You probably can’t FIX yourself - but you can pick up a phone, call a psychologist, spend your adult money on professional help, and drive yourself there. That absolutely is in your wheelhouse as an adult, no matter what your history is.

And yet. Your main therapy appears to be unqualified strangers on the internet. The support of SI does not replace qualified, professional help. (I honestly think there’s a disclaimer on the site somewhere saying that).

I think you should be seeking the best, qualified help you can find if you want a shot at being able to work on your marriage.

No one is dismissing the seriousness of your cPTSD and history of abuse. Except maybe you.

This is blunt on purpose. Not for show, but to try to remove as much victimizing language as possible. Comes across as harsh.

[This message edited by gtflng at 5:29 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

posts: 690   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2018
id 8233664
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:59 AM on Wednesday, August 22nd, 2018

Lots of brilliant points in this thread. DaddyDom. Whether you stay married or not, you need to do this for you. Reach out for all the help you can get to learn how to be a survivor and emotionally self-sufficient. I am watching what happens when victim mentality is embraced fully with my WH and it is a very sad ugly thing. He is all alone. He has no one. He is utterly and completely miserable and has phenomenally hurt everyone in his life, but he's still clinging to his victimhood. He could have most of the people in his life back, but it's more important for him to be a victim than to be happy or at peace. This will kill him. Whatever comfort he gets from that and you get from that is dangerous. It's a critical emergency in your life to rid yourself of it. That sentence made no sense, but you know what I mean. It is the single most important thing you can do for you and everyone in your life. It isn't just your marriage at stake.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:00 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8233759
default

Zugzwang ( member #39069) posted at 4:29 AM on Wednesday, August 22nd, 2018

Including introducing your kids to your AP. How this was ever justified—I cannot understand.

I did the same thing and I can tell you what I was thinking and how I acted.

I paraded my APs in front of my wife like she was my mother and I was seeking her approval. I talked about my APs like I was a love sick puppy from high school. I had chosen to put my wife on hold, while I played with my new toys. Yeah, it is pretty fucked up. Daddydom you and I have talked about that. I have to think many WH begin to treat their wives like a parent and the APs as peers in their immaturity. One day you rebel against the authority and choose to take their unconditional love for granted and the next you are seeking their approval.

I also know a small part of me was trying to make my wife jealous. She never was that type of woman. She was intimidatingly secure. I never once ever saw her get jealous over anyone. I wasn't the same. I had always felt I married out of my league. I wanted her to feel the jealousy I felt of her. Many of our mutual friends wanted her long before we ever started dating. I was jealous of what she got so easily but didn't give a shit about. I was jealous she didn't give a shit about it too. I wanted her to fight for me when I said I was going out with co-workers. I wanted her to be that Jimeny Cricket. To see it as she valued me. I didn't see it anymore. I didn't have that high that this woman chose to marry me and that be good enough. I was immune to it. It was all immature stuff to feed my ego. My wife was way to mature to play that game.

"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt
D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS



posts: 4938   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2013
id 8233793
default

hurtbutresilient ( member #55680) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, August 22nd, 2018

I've never heard of the RAIN technique but just started to look it up. Maybe ISSF and I will try it out as soon as we're done reading our current book. Currently we are doing EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) which is somewhat similar in nature. It helps to identify common "spinning" as you called it, so that we can then avoid it and take a more empathetic and loving approach to resolving emotional conflict.

fWH and I also do EFT, but RAIN is a good complement. It's something that can be done anywhere, with any difficult emotion. For me, RAIN has been helpful dealing with triggers, for example.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 8234088
default

BobPar ( member #62993) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, August 23rd, 2018

Consider strengthening you self appraisal of yourself (relative to FOO) so you don't feel as defensive.

The exercises in the Susan Anderson Book "Journey from Abondonment to Healing" are good to get in touch with Little DDom. I believe you will get in touch with your feelings about the past, like she mentions, even if you can't remember the details. Grieve and heal. It may be worth a read. You are struggling so hard to change yourself and feel the battle. I think these could help.

And the Melanie Beattie books on Codependancy are good for ideas, exercises and techniques. To develop a healthy self valuation.

DDay 1 (AP1) and 2 (AP2) 2015 DDay 3 (AP 3) and 4 (AP4) 2016There was some overlap with 3 and 4)False R 2016Suspect more from exWW

posts: 542   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2016   ·   location: MI
id 8234798
default

 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 10:06 PM on Thursday, August 23rd, 2018

@IWMG, I sat down yesterday and took some time out to write that list of ways in which I hurt my spouse. I've got 69 line items so far, and that's just what I can think of off the top of my head, I'm sure there's many more. :(

Thanks for the suggestion. I shared my list with her this morning although I'm not sure if she's even had a chance to read it, or if she even wants to. But it was a good exercise and it reminded me of the overwhelming amount of shit she's had to put up with from me over the years.

I also made some calls about getting in contact with an IC. I agree, I think I need someone to help me with the internal trauma. Going back the broken kneecap example, the kneecap will heal on its own if you leave it alone long enough, but it may heal in a very broken and unusable way. If you get a doctor to set it and put a cast on it however, it should heal properly. In that same way, I can do a lot of things to help myself heal, but I'd really like to make sure that what I'm doing is actually correct, and not just more broken programming covering up for other broken programming.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8235016
default

Iwantmyglasses ( member #57205) posted at 4:42 AM on Friday, August 24th, 2018

DD. As someone who has had more than her fair share of shit happen to me. I except you to follow through.

And 69 points?? Really? Is this some kind of Freudian joke? What to you except when she reads it?

Do you think you have abused your wife? I also want to know how your relate what you write here in comparison to Isles Guy. Because I think your intentions are the same as his; except you are a better writer.

When I made my IC appointment...I had it by rhe end of the day.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 11:00 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

posts: 3053   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8235189
default

Notworthy ( member #57382) posted at 6:39 AM on Saturday, August 25th, 2018

DD, I seem to have a lot of the same FOO issues as you. My wife seemed to see the problems from my upbringing long before I even thought there might be a problem.

I am working with a therapist now that specializes in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This has helped me first to realize the negative and harmful ways I thought of myself, but it also helps me see where I can improve my feelings for myself and in turn, how I feel and relate to those closest to me. It also helps me to not let the “inner voices” talk to me negatively, the way I was talked to and made to feel as a child.

These negative things we think about ourselves and see in ourselves were given to us in our childhood, it is all we have ever known. They need to be challenged and brought into the light. We must challenge them, no one else can do it for us because no one can understand the depths to which these thoughts and feelings have wrapped their black tentacles around our psyche.

Our journey, while the same as many here, hopefully all lead to the same place. It’s the road that we must travel that is different.

I hope to see you in a better, healthier place. Our journey to get there is difficult and sometimes it may dead end, but we must correct our course and keep moving forward.

I hope this helps you to read it as much as it has helped me to write it.

As you can see by my name, I am still working on my self worth.

Good luck. We are here for you as you are for us.

[This message edited by Notworthy at 12:43 AM, August 25th (Saturday)]

Me-WH 48
She-BW 45
dday-Nov. 21, 2016
Son-13
DD -11

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2017   ·   location: MD
id 8235795
default

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 6:00 PM on Saturday, August 25th, 2018

I also want to know how your relate what you write here in comparison to Isles Guy. Because I think your intentions are the same as his; except you are a better writer.

DD, I agree with this. You have gained a wealth of knowledge and you have a good grip about what is required for R. You share your insights here and being able to put it into words so well, no doubt it is helpful to us all (and appreciated).

It feels like you treat us as your audience and you have something to prove to this community, though. All of this knowledge you have now is useless if you are just sitting on it.

You strike me as someone who already figured out one or two root issue that you know are in need of attention. DD.. does it frighten you to go there? Fear stops many of us dead in our tracks. I could be wrong, I am just curious.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8235970
default

strugglebus ( member #55656) posted at 9:10 PM on Saturday, August 25th, 2018

I am flabbergasted that you sent that list to your wife. I'm pretty sure that was meant to be a self reflective exercise so you could grasp how toxic and abusive you have been by having an affair AND not addressing your issues with actions. You sent this lady 69 triggers, I assume when you were apart. Why? That would break my heart.

You can't break out of this mentality alone. You need serious, regular, frequent counseling with a person that is an expert in child abuse trauma. you need an IC urgently, don't wait on this. How was DDay of your affair with a much younger person NOT a call to action? Writing and thinking and pondering your why's are only a start- you have to grow and change. Having a pity party and putting your wife in the "big mean mom" role does not help your healing or hers. Right now you are prolonging suffering- yours and hers and your children- by sitting on your hands and not taking concrete action. Even a woman as generous and full of grace as your wife doesn't have unlimited patience.

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2557   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 8236036
default

Iwantmyglasses ( member #57205) posted at 11:19 PM on Saturday, August 25th, 2018

When you write all of your advice to other waywards—-do you disclose you have never gone to IC?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 12:19 AM, August 26th (Sunday)]

posts: 3053   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8236092
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy