Thank you all. There is so much here and I can't reply to everyone individually. You all can see right through me and through my bullshit, it seems as if you know me. I was just saying to a friend this morning that all the new WS's that come here and complain about how "hard" the BS's are on them, well, they should read this thread and see that almost every response was from a BS, bending over backwards to help a WS, and to try and help save a marriage. I know they say BS's shouldn't be swinging 2x4's in here but I thank you for them, and please keep 'em coming when necessary. This is is why SI is so amazing, thank you so much for caring and for trying. Early on, I asked my wife to "stick with me", and so far, despite my failure to stop hurting her, she has done so, and so have you SI.
I am just so sick of being this person that I am. I am so done with hurting her. I've been carrying around this victim-hood and adolescent anger for so long now, and it is like a weight tied around my heart, a constant burden, and yet I keep dragging it around. ISSF has been nothing but patient and supportive and sacrificial of her love and tolerance through all of this, and I want nothing more than to take her hand and hold her and walk together through this, through life. I can't do that while dragging this victim identity around. I need to get a divorce. I need to divorce this FOO bullshit because I can't be married to ISFF and to my pain at the same time. There isn't room for both of them in my life. But I need to get it done soon because otherwise there may not be a choice left.
You are wearing your FOO victimhood like a child wears a security blanket. You hide behind it when the world gets tough. Then get mad at the world when they point out you are hiding behind your security blanket. Then scream and cry and push out at the person who tells you to man up, get out from the damn blanket and deal.
You already get it. You already know your issues. You can articulate your shortcomings better than anyone else on here.
That just isn’t enough. Being very aware of your faults is not enough. Further explaining you understand your faults is not enough. No action comes from that. I don’t think you have recently gained much more insight by posting here because of *the way* you’ve been posting here. That is not meant rudely OR to discourage you from posting. I just mean what I just said: you already know your issues. And I think you have for a while. So start doing. Start asking for and ACCEPTING advice. The external introspection isn’t always needed. The back and forth isn’t always needed. The contemplation isn’t always needed. Not when you’ve been contemplating the same thing for .. a year? You have the necessary insight. Focusing just on your shortcomings isn’t working. Focus on getting help for them.
DaddyDom - you are doing it again.... hiding behind your FOO and CPSTD as why you keep hurting ISSF
I catch myself saying “he did this TO me” or “I’m like this BECAUSE of him”... I stop. Not because those aren’t valid feelings. But because I refuse to identify as a victim. Because victims are sad and stuck, and identifying as a victim disempowers me. I’m absolutely not going to marginalize myself, even though it’s easy and justified. I am more than his choices. I am not defined by my abuser. And you shouldn’t be either.
You do get a benefit from clinging onto the victimhood, so what is it? Does it allow you to avoid being truly responsible and accountable for yourself and your actions? Are you using it as another means to get validation, rather than learning to validate yourself? Do you use it as a means to avoid difficult situations, emotions, etc?
What scares you about letting it go? Are you afraid of not having an identity (sense of self) without it? Who are you without the victimhood?
This is the whole problem. You do not realize you are an adult. You are not a child. You are a grown up.
“If the rules by which you have lived have brought you to this place what use are those rules?”
DaddyDom - man up, get your head out of the past and the past and deal with the here and now. Or you will be left alone with neither, sitting like Conan - king of his kingdom - all alone in his chair, crown all askew, wondering "what the f*** happened"
The answer to "WHY?" you continue to fall back on your "victim status":
Because it's comfortable, because it's familiar, because it's easy, because you can.
You got to stop transferring your wife into that role of your parents...You are angry and lashing out. Your wife isn't the cause of that.
I'm going to contact my MC today and get some recommendations for a good IC.
In the meantime, I'm trying to let it go. I keep telling myself I am not a victim now and that my wife loves me and isn't someone who is going to hurt me, she is someone I can trust.
[This message edited by DaddyDom at 11:24 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]