SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't sleep, I can't think straight or concentrate, I worry about loosing my multi-generational family business if I divorce her, I can't get an erection, don't have any sex drive at all ( it was turned off like a switch...ect ) and I now have clinical depression.

Have you ever heard of getting help???

The house is in my name alone. Almost all our assets are in my name alone

Have you ever thought that she was exerting the only power she has in the marriage, the power over her body? I think you have realized that, and now you're trying to strip that power from her, too.

Control is not love.

It's abuse.

I do not know which of you started abusing the other first.

But one of you needs to file for divorce.

Before it's too late.

Rage and anger are normal. Your WW did an unimaginably shitty thing to you and hurt you profoundly. A sucker punch. You were minding your own business and she cracked you across the side of the head with a sledgehammer, causing you to fall unconscious. Brain injury. Broken bones. Excruciating pain. Nobody should have to endure this.

What is worse, she did it just because she wanted to know what it felt like to do it. She did not give a single shit about the injury she was causing to you when she did it. There is something profoundly wrong with a person who would do that.

Ultimately, you have to decide: "Can I see a path where I stay with this person whom I now know has sucker punched me, or not?"

There are a few related sub-questions:

-Can I ever feel safe that she won't sucker punch me again?

-Will the trauma from the of the punch make me always angry every time I see her, so angry that I'm better off not seeing her again.

We talk a lot on SI about things a WW can/should do to (a) make her BH feel safe, and (b) help her BH heal from his trauma and injury. If she is not 100% committed to doing both, and if you are not 100% convinced that she can succeed in doing both, R is probably not a viable option for you.

It is often difficult for the BH to find answers to these questions. Often, simply processing the trauma is too overwhelming. Separation from her can be a good way to clear your head so that you can figure out these answers.

In the meantime, these objects (the lingerie and such) are horcruxes. They should be disposed of. Maybe burn them in the back yard. The clothes also.

It is not unreasonable to tell her to take a shitty minimum wage job, such as Mickey D's, and earn back (after tax -- at your tax rate) all of the money she spent on the A, including clothes, lingerie, hair styling, mani/pedi, travel, plus compensation for your time dealing with it.

By the way, I have issues with BH's who call their WW a "whore" or a "slut". These are terms used by men to describe women who are having sex with men other than themselves. When she married you, your WW promised to share her sexuality only with you, forsaking all others, and you made the same promise to you.

She betrayed you sexually. She broke her promise. From your description, she did it for the most superficial of reasons, almost casually. She did not give a shit about how she was hurting you.

This is a profound trauma for most men. Like most men, her betrayal has caused you to have overwhelming feelings of emasculation, sexual humiliation, etc. This is normal. She is a person who did a very bad thing. And I understand that in the heat of passion and anger, people say awful things.

But she is not actually a whore. There have been instances where married women did in fact engage in prostitution. The famous track athlete Suzy Favor Hamilton did this.

Your WW simply decided to take a lover on the side. In my mind, what she did was worse, in terms of harming you, than if she had actually engaged in prostitution. She chose another man over you. You are her sexual Plan B.

I'm curious what she now says about that? What can she possibly say or do that does not remind you that you are her sexual Plan B? That is the crux of the dilemma facing most BH's.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:30 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

You need professional help and you need to ask your wife to leave or you need to leave yourself before you end up in a really bad situation (like behind bars).

From the picture you painted about your wife, and her life in YOUR house with YOUR money, maybe she was hoping you would leave her when you found out about the affair. That seems to have backfired. What you are doing is not going to help anyone and it's just creating an even more hostile environment.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 5:55 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

What should the penalty be for giving your husband sloppy seconds on the same day including kissing him on the mouth after giving him oral and allowing him to give you oral 4-5 hours after having intercourse with another man on at least ten days ?

Get a divorce. That's the "penalty." It honestly doesn't sound like you have any inkling that you're going to be able to forgive her for this, so do yourself a favor (and her as well) and separate, go no contact and 180. I honestly believe you'll be much happier l.

A just retribution for sloppy seconds( or any cheating)is DIVORCE.

Find a good lawyer that will help you keep your business, house. etc.

And a doctor to prescribe medicine for you as you seem to be going off the rails......

Plenty of women out there, what is so special about her? A golden vagina?

You need to calm down before you make a move you will regret. Separation will help.

I honestly feel horrible for you. What you have endured is gross, disgusting, disrespectful, abusing and so much more.

I do think you went too far. I understand how and why you got to that place. I felt rage that I didn’t know existed in this world and it scared the hell out of me. So I really do understand.

I agree that you need to see IC. You need some help with the rage. It’s completely normal to need some help after a trauma this severe. You need someone to help you navigate that anger so that you don’t become abusive yourself.

Nothing good will come out of you becoming abusive.

In my opinion, what she did, is looking like a deal breaker for you and that is not only okay, it’s normal and expected.

It also doesn’t sound like your ready to accept that it is a deal breaker for you.

Please find someone to talk to. Please try to control your anger before it gets you in trouble that is really the fault of your ww.

Dude... you seriously need some help. That’s not an insult, but it is a fact. There’s no shame in seeing a counselor. There is shame in how you’re treating your WW.

Yes, she cheated on you and humiliated you. But unfortunately, none of that is going to matter in a divorce court. Your behavior, however, will definitely count against you in a divorce court. I promise you, continuing to act like this will not end well for you.

In my opinion you should give your wife a heartfelt apology, and then tell her that you won’t be able to move past this, and that you are going to file for divorce. It may cost you a lot of money to divorce her, but it’s bettwr than being behind bars, which is where you are heading.

What you did changes nothing. It only gave you some small satisfaction. And it you wanted reconciliation then that may be over. You truly need to consider divorce because this sounds like a deal breaker for you.

Dear MMIW,

I’m so very sorry you found yourself here at SI. I want to alert you that you will hear many recommendations, but it’s up to you to choose which ones to implement. I do understand your situation, and no one here should abuse you by calling you names. We are here to help you through this hard and betrayal experience.

I want to say that we (as individuals) are only responsible for our own Actions and Reactions. You have no control over your wife’s actions, but you do have control and responsibility for your reactions. I do understand your anger and desire some form of retaliation, but you gain control over your emotions. Take a step back and take a deep breath. Call some trusted close friends and relatives and ask them to come over or go to them and express your feelings.

I believe you must ASAP find a therapist because you do have anger issues. You must gain control before those emotions escalate into something physical. After my betrayal, I enrolled in an anger management group as well as a therapist. The two entities served me well. I came out of it a better man. I know it will be hard but try to rise above this ordeal and don’t place yourself in level when your wife resides and where she wants you to join.

We here at SI are part of your support network, but you need some friends and family to help you navigate through these times. Treat your wife with dignity and respect even if you feel she doesn’t deserve it. She has given you a hard pill to swallow, but you can do it. Rise above it all and show her what she has jeopardies with her actions.

Questions:

1.) What happen

2.) Do you have kids?

3.) How did your wife meet the OM?

4.) Does the OM have a wife (if so you must contact her)?

I’m here for you!!!! And I do understand your emotions

Bess,

Bigheart

Why is everything in your name? If you are a controlling person she felt/feels helpless. People who feel that way often look for anything to make themselves feel better.

Nothing you do is going to erase the past. You can’t humiliate her enough to make it different. It happened.

If I were you I would suggest she get a job. People who can support themselves usually have better self esteem. People with healthy self esteem usually don’t cheat.

^^ This. Your wife needs to find employment, create her own bank account and start creating her own life. This is also a safety net if and when you divorce.

One of the requirements of my reconciliation was that I return to work full time, which I did.

Your anger and rage is understandable but you cannot continue down this path.

This is very abusive behavior.

A lot of us are no strangers to “sloppy seconds”. It’s disgusting and awful, however you can’t go back in time and erase it. It happened.

You don’t have kids in the house right?

Please go see a therapist ASAP. There is no shame in getting help.

MinnisotaManInWi will not be returning to this thread.