SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your wife is a liar. I'm sorry friend. Nothing she has told you joins up or holds together at all.

You cannot even begin to think about reconciliation or counseling with her until she comes clean and starts being honest.

Ask her to provide you with proof that these yearly "yoga retreats" were just that. Sounds to me like she and this OM have made this an annual meet-up going back a few years. No one flies far away and spends all that money to meet up with an old flame just to have coffee and go snorkeling. They met for sex.

It's a great big pile of b.s. she's shoveling on your head. Don't let her get away with it. Figure that if her mouth is open, she's lying.

No one flies far away and spends all that money to meet up with an old flame just to have coffee and go snorkeling. They met for sex.

He's established that story was a lie hasn't he? If they were meeting for that why didn't he have his own room? He said he slept on the couch in the business center. That's a lie but telling it exposes that his first option was that he was sleeping in his wife's room.

second her actions so far has been great, it has been 2 months and she is caring, loving, back to her self also apologizing often and remorceful. but gets upset when I bring it up still.

Getting upset when you bring it up is not remorse.

for those who asked I did meet with the MO, and he was sincere and apologetic, my conclusion was that it was the first time they try this that's why it wasn't well planned. but nonetheless it was an affair.

Not well planned? They let from the same airport, he most likely didn't have a separate room at the resort. Sleep on the business center couch? Bullshit. What hotel would allow someone off the street to sleep on the couch in the business center for a week? Answer: NONE.

Also, why would he tell you the truth? He's got nothing to lose by lying to you. He's most likely going to corroborate her story to keep the A going.

right now what I wish to know is how much she loved him and whether there could be more. answers I will probably never get. unless I believe what she tells me.

That's what the polygraph is for.

I wish I could see her deleted messages. that would help me.

Check out something like Dr. Fone.

at the moment. I don't want a divorce. I still love her a lot, she is an amazing person, she did a mistake and it is important it is not to be repeated. I do blame the MO more for not respecting me and having an affair with my wife. so NC for sure.

Again, a prolonged A is not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk on the way home. Lying, secret phone calls, etc. are not a mistake. They are premeditated. Why should the OM respect you? He didn't say wedding vows to you, your WW did. She should be the one respecting you.

Let me ask you this question. If this relationship was so innocent, why did she have to keep all of this hidden from you, delete messages, lie about the trip, etc.? She wanted secrecy, not privacy. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom. Secrecy is deliberate hiding of information. Again, if it was so innocent, why didn't she do all of this right in front of you? The old saying is if what you are doing you aren't willing to do in plain view of your spouse, it is by definition inappropriate behavior.

If she was so depressed, why not see a counselor or doctor? Why reach out to some asshole from her past to discuss current marriage issues? Which, by itself, is also inappropriate. Why did she not call her mom and talk with her?

I also agree with the others that her private "yoga retreats" are most likely cover for the A with this loser. Contact his XW and see what she thinks. Did he go on a private trip the same times your WW did in the past?

Contact his XW and see what she thinks. Did he go on a private trip the same times your WW did in the past?

That's a great idea. You might find out that your WW is the reason he got divorced in the first place.

He's established that story was a lie hasn't he? If they were meeting for that why didn't he have his own room? He said he slept on the couch in the business center. That's a lie but telling it exposes that his first option was that he was sleeping in his wife's room.

I'm simply reiterating what we all suspect is a fact. I reiterate because repetition is the surest way to embed an idea. Right now he is confused and trying to determine what is true and what is false.

My recommendation is for him to assume she is lying anytime he asks her a question, then let her prove to him she is not.

Of course he was planning to sleep on the couch of the business center for this entire vacation, right ? business centers are not normally open 24 hrs a day, call the resort to verify it, and even if it was open 24 hrs they wouldn't allow someone to sleep in a couch (doesn't look good) and security would have told him to go to their room come on, you know better, that is 100% proof they were going to share a room/bed, adults of the opposite sex involved in an "EA" don't plan a vacation to play chess, your wife is a proven cheater and a liar.

Don't think for a moment, PA has not happened before this trip, if they live in the same city and the A has been going on for months, rule of thumb is it was a PA. This was NOT A MISTAKE, a mistake is when you take a wrong turn on the highway, you do have to accept that your WW methodically planned a vacation fuck fest with OM, she's been willing to spread her legs and have OM penetrate her vagina, suck his penis then come home to you and kiss you like nothing happened, another thing women don't engage in As without feelings, I recommend you download Dr Fone or any other text message/social media post, email recovery app, don't tell her you're going to do this until after you have done it and you've saved all info in a flash drive or in a cloud that only you have access to, then ask her for a timeline, she may not remember everything they exchanged and may give you additional details, record her responses with your cellphone.

Recoveringheart

What you are doing is closing your eyes and hopeful that all things will be back to normal. My friend, sorry to break it to you, when you open your eyes the issue is still there staring straight at you whether you admit it or not.

Best of luck!!!

There's a reason why you came to this site in the first place.

I know this sucks and it's painful and that you just wish it would go away.

How can you expect your wife to be honest with you when YOU WON'T EVEN BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF about what's going on RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?

She is still lying to you. She has been cheating

on this vacations for years. Time to schedule a

polygraph test for your WW.

No man gets on a plane without having plans where

he is going to spend the night.

No man goes away with a woman to just snorkel and

talk.

This was a planned out in advance trip, for why the

need to email the OM plane tickets.

Stop living in denial.

but I get these flash backs of my horrible experience and panic attacks that I can't sleep. and I find it very hard to trust her. although she has been very good so far.

I keep thinking what if I didn't know about this, what would have happened. what kind of relationship she was having with him? was there anything more than what she is telling me? should she continue talking to him

This is going to be the rest of your married life if you don't get to the bottom of everything and demand the truth. I'm sorry but it is. You think it's bad now. It will linger and fester and grow inside you like a toxic disease.

She's probably minimizing the affair to keep you on side and make her look better. Regardless if she plans to keep you around in her life you need the truth and you already know this.

She gets upset when you talk about the A because she doesn't want to discuss it in case you start digging for more truth and exposing some more lies.

Think about it. Her story is already like Swiss cheese and that's just from what you've stated in this thread.

Please consider your options carefully for the sake of yourself.

I recall you were concerned about the time she spent with the OM way back in graduate school. She brushed off your concerns then just like now with her weak excuses. Experience shows that being Mr Nice or Understanding is not an effective strategy because your wife interprets this as you being willing to give her a free pass (weakness).

Now that you know she is capable of looking you in the face and repeatedly lying .... it's likely this 'close friendship' started back in grad school.

Why? They've been close friends for years and based on her recent behavior, if she could she would. And she's had plenty of opportunity going all the way back to grad school.

It probably continued on and off over the years with your wife feeling guilty and/or playing hard to get (texting) and submitting to him at least once a year while out of town on her selfish

retreats.

Wow...the brass balls on this guy. The OM looked you in the face and lied. But so does your wife.

Hotel business centers are typically cramped with one or two PCs and a printer....I've never seen a couch.

The business centers are locked and only accessible with a room key. Since he's not a guest he doesn't have a key.

Hotel security does not permit non guests to sleep in the lobby or anywhere else.

Finally, if he was flying out early the next morning, he should have slept at the airport.

There is no resort hotel that is going to let a non guest sleep on a couch in the business center. The story your wife and this guy are telling is not adding up and is not making sense. You need to stop asking yourself if the story is possible and ask yourself does this story seem probable.

I also am not a fan or believer in polygraphs - but you don't need one to see that the story you are getting now is not truthful and that you do not have anything resembling an accurate account of what happened.

Did your wife complete her masters degree?

Was the grad program a night class?

Does your wife work?

What is her typical daily schedule like?

Please understand that we are not here to pile on you. Some are more blunt than others to get their point across. But all our replies pretty much convey the same message. The only thing I want to bring up is the pain you are feeling. At this point it’s self inflicted. You are choosing to stay in limbo my friend. Get out of infidelity.

POLYGRAPH TEST

"Proponents will say the polygraph test is about 90 percent accurate. Critics will say it's about 70 percent accurate," said Frank Horvath of the American Polygraph Association.

Polygraph testing does not guaranty accuracy but is just one tool together with the facts plus your judgement to make a decision. Polygraph testing continues to be used in non-judicial settings, often to screen personnel, but sometimes to try to assess the veracity of suspects and witnesses, and to monitor criminal offenders on probation. Polygraph tests are also sometimes used by individuals seeking to convince others of their innocence and, in a narrow range of circumstances, by private agencies and corporations.

I guess all of you were right. I confronted my wife today and told her I don’t believe her story. She was very firm and sticking to her story very firmly.

Unfortunately when I told her I need to see her deleted WhatsApp messages she became a different person and started crying so much and apologizing. Begging me not to do it.

I insisted and held my ground. I never saw her cry this way. I know she feels terrible and she should be. I am the victim not her.

She couldn’t tell me anything happened in the conversations with OM.

She is going to her mom house tonight and meet me tomorrow to do it. She has nothing to hide anymore.

I have no idea what I will find in those conversation and whoever recommended dr fone should be right about it. She uses WhatsApp. I read we could retrieve deleted messages.

I’m really in shock and I can’t believe what’s happening. I thanked you all a lot but I can’t thank you enough.

Will see what happens tomorrow. But if you didn’t hear from me it must have been very bad.

I’m sorry for myself to be here too. It breaks my heart.

In the short run (with all the attention she's giving you) you may be strong enough to suck up the anger. The attention is not real but the anger is.

They both lie to your face and their explanations are insulting to your intelligence.

You've disapproved of their relationship since grad school. They've discussed your concerns and laughed you off for years ...neither takes you serious. They get caught going on a vacation together and you still don't stand up to them.

They compare notes on your questions and strategize explanations.

They have to laugh at you and congratulate themselves on playing you for a fool. Their affair isn't over - and it won't be until you stand up for yourself.

Sorry I missed your last post. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself.

Tears etc are her last ditch effort to manipulate you into not pushing for the facts.

The tears are not for the pain she caused you but rather for the shame of being exposed. There are consequences for cheating (like shame etc).

Why did she postpone access to whatsapp messages?

Why delay answering all your questions?

Does her mother know all the facts or are you being characterized as a suspicious monster?

BTW: she's leaving in order to consult with the OM.

They are in damage control.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't cooperate tomorrow.

Call her and insist on full disclosure now.