SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Ripped

Of course I've seen BS appreciate some of the frankness/bluntness on this site, but I guess it won't matter how many times I explain my approach to you, we'll just have to agree to disagree, anyway I don't think this is the place to continue this debate, I'm done with the thread hijack, feel free to open a new thread so that this issue could be discussed further, I won't go to the extent to say that I speak for others but would be interested in hearing others' opinions, again not here in this particular thread.

Recovering

I advise you ask your wife to stay at her mom's and you delay meeting with her.

Please instead consult an attorney who specializes in family law. Meet with the attorney prior to meeting your wide. Ask the attorney for a referral to a qualified IC. Talk with the IC prior to meeting with your wife.

You know what is going on. Ask uour wife for the truth prior to looking at her phone.

Remeber that what you will see, you can never unsee. Think long and hard prior to doing so.

The attorney and IC will be able to somewhat prepare you and can help if things go south.

Buster - go to General, Pro-R vs Pro-D.

And yes, you are in the wrong.

People take years to get mind movies out of their heads. They don't need you adding to them.

RecoveringHeart

Well done for standing your ground, you are owed the truth. As others have said, whether you R or D, you cannot move on without knowing what you are dealing with and whether you can take steps to repair the M or not.

It took me a month to go from it being an over-flirtatious online relationship to an A and I had to push every step until she finally realised the game was up. Although the truth was painful, I could not have lived without knowing it.

At the moment two things are pressing. Firstly, that NC is immediate and absolute. You need to police that during this period because it's unlikely that emotionally she's out of the A yet.

Secondly, you need to peel away the layers of lies and get to what really happened, or as close as you can. Believe me we have all done it and our WS for the most part did the same as yours, minimising, gaslighting, getting emotional and only admitting to evidence rather than volunteering information. It's called trickle truth and it can do almost as much damage as the A.

There's another phrase used here, you have to be prepared to lose a M to save it.

Your W needs to realise that she doesn't have a position to save, but rather the horse has well and truly bolted. It sounds like she's beginning to realise that if she doesn't offer up the evidence then you may D. She needs to know that and to see you are serious. You owe that to yourself as a human being too. You may be able to live with what she's done (I'm three years into R) but as others have said you will never be able to live with not knowing, because that will eat away at you.

As I said in my previous post, once you are certain you are out of infidelity and that you have genuine disclosure, then breathe. You are in total shock, of course. After that nothing is a dash to the line, whether you R or D. Indeed the next six months might look quite similar either way - it's about repairing you not the M. Once that begins to happen, you can make decisions from there.

But keep posting, because you will get great advice all along the journey. Don't be put off by harsh posters, sometimes they are venting their own pain, often they are trying to help you but being clumsy about it. None of us has the right to call you out on anything and you have to choose your own journey but please do remember that the advice you get here is based on experience, shared stories and the benefit of time, so absorb and consider it all.

Well put, Chelsea9.

RecoveringHeart, we are all trying to help. All of us have been in pain. We recognise the signs of a spouse lying. Almost all will lie until you show them the proof. Then lie some more. It’s a painful process to get to the whole truth, if you ever will. I found out everything and it haunts me a few months down the track. The mind movies are really bad. Two days ago, I couldn’t sleep while my WW slept like a baby. Life is unfair for us BS. We wish you well. Put your foot down with your WW. From what she has said to you, it is 99.9% certain she is withholding the truth. You want to believe her story, but it appears just bullshit. And don’t contact the AP. It’s not worth it. Of course he is trying to save his skin. He will minimise. His story about sleeping in the lobby is so full of lies, I wonder if your WW and he said it with a straight face. And please seek some help. Get into IC ASAP.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:10 AM, August 30th (Thursday)]

Just a reminder to everyone, Recoveringheart is a brand new member. This is all new to him. Stop the thread-jacking, and focus on giving him the support he needs without pushing your own agenda. Try to remember when you were two days out, and post accordingly.

Recovering, please don't forget to check in today.

There are a couple of books I recommend for you and your wayward spouse (WS):

1) How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald

2) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Your WS should start with How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is a short read. It will take 45 to 60 minutes to complete. It provides a road map out of infidelity. It costs $10. You should read it as well.

The 15 points from Linda MacDonald's book that are a minimum for a wayward spouse to be doing in order to help you heal:

Successful Rebuilders:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

By reading the book the need for honesty and full disclosure will be conveyed to your wife.

To move forward, open and honest communication must occur.

I would suggest you compare your wayward spouse's actions to this list to determine if they can successfully turn their life around and rebuild the marriage.

Please give yourself time to process the trauma before making decisions that will have a profound impact on your life. The paths of reconciliation and divorce may run parallel for sometime. Some members recommend 6 months. It took me less than 6 days. Your situation is yours so any time table at this point is yours to establish.

If this becomes a deal breaker you can always divorce now, then, or sometime in the future. Infidelity is often fatal to marriages but it does not have to be. Many members here have created great marriages after the original marriage was destroyed by infidelity.

I know you are hurting and your emotions are raw, do not try to make since of their wayward behavior. It is asinine and illogical. It will make no sense and unless you have that warped perspective there is no way to reconcile the stupidity and risk taking. They get to own it. The consequences are theirs.

Post often and make use of the resources on this site. We are here to support you as you get through this crisis and out of infidelity.

Thank you all again. Your support was felt and appreciated. I had a tough night but will meet my wife soon.

I will update you

Just stay calm. You can do this!

You got this!!! Good luck!!!

Hang in there! It will get better - eventually. You just have to get through the bad days.

Check in my friend.

Hello. Just want to tell you all I’m ok. I had a meeting with my wife. I was very serious and affirmative and was able to stand my ground. Told her this was her Lamar chance to come clean and tell me everything before I see the deleted WhatsApp messages.

I felt I had the high ground and that the power shifted to me. I didn’t have this confidence before. She kept answering all questions and I was pushing her to the limit and as much as I can or want.

Conclusion is that she remorcefully and genuinely admits the EA it started to be serious 5 months ago.

I have to clarify her yoga retreat was her first time but may be yearly which I don’t think she will have the freedom to do it.

One thing she did which surprised me is she offered me to involve her mother which I did. Although this will bring her a lot of shame.

My wife is remoreceful and willing to go through the process. I did push her to the limit specially that I used the chat recovery technique as a last minute parking lot confession. No PA so far and I am very close to be convinced. Not being “naive”

She is giving me her phone and I have the tools to recover. Phone hasn’t been manipulated to formatted or anything I was worried about so good.

Will update you guys

Congrats on standing up to her. Great recovery and first step in a long process. It sounds like she wants to stay in the marriage.

Is she NC?

Did you discuss where the OM slept that night at the resort?

What does the mother think about the night her and the OM stayed at the resort?

Did she say that they never kissed or hugged?

Did she agree to a polygraph test?

Her story is utter BS. Keep digging.

Just a thought ... some cell phones are set to automatically save pictures to the cloud (so check that out).

I suggest you be present when she confesses to her mother so the mother gets the entire story.

One of the consequences of her behavior (and lies) is shame but also a loss of privacy. You could download an App to her phone that syncs all her future messages to your phone.

so she went to the retreat with this guy and it was only an EA ?

I can't buy that. She will only admit what you learn of.

Polygraph time.

Also, how do you know there is no contact ?

It seems like you want to keep deferring to believing her and giving her the benefit of the doubt which I feel is a huge mistake

It was good that you held your ground and pushed her to the limit to answer your questions. Be vigilant. You are in control.

Time will tell if she is truly remorseful. She needs to follow up with her confession to her mother. It is a consequence for her A. Ripped62 has given you excellent steps for moving forward.

Good luck.

I did push her to the limit specially that I used the chat recovery technique as a last minute parking lot confession

I'm sorry Recovery, but you can push her as much as you like but if she doesn't want to confess she won't, there are no guarantees with your persistence I'm afraid.

The problem is she will only admit to what you already know, and if you can't prove she's lying she will continue to lie. Your only chance is a polygraph or getting more proof, this is a shitty place to be in but it's your life, you need to be CERTAIN that the truth is coming out.

Think about it, she wants to stay in the M, she could either spill the beans on everything and have you react badly, risk the M and then you potentially D her, or she could minimise and rugsweep thus increasing the chances of you staying M, all the while making herself out to me Miss Innocent.

Which do you think she would prefer to do?