SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Perhaps I can chime in with something from my experience with infidelity that may help you.

My wife was on the slippery road of an EA approx. 20yrs ago. At that time, she was an undiagnosed Bi-polar, and I struggled with her behavior 'generally', and with the low boundaries she had with men. Long story short, she commenced a relationship with a man that was inappropriate.

Unknowingly. I slipped into depression. However, I credit myself with a high work rate and a high pain tolerance so I just put my head down and carried on.

About 5 yrs later she was diagnosed bi-polar. If people said to me that I didnt look happy, and even she would tell me that I looked depressed, I would think..'being married to you would make anyone depressed'.

It got to the point where I felt like I was treading water. And Losing. It literally felt like I couldnt keep fighting, and that I could see myself finally succumbing and going under. Although, I had no idea why I felt this way.

At this point I found SI and TAM, and began to read every ones experiences. That is when I realized about the EA. That is when the depression lifted. That is when my life started again.

The reason for this post...Depression... I went 19yrs not realizing I was depressed. Fortunately when I realized this, the depression quickly disappeared and I was able to move forward.

Realize about depression. For me the realization was enough. Depression is more than just not being happy. Its more than she did this, or shes doing that so why would I be happy. Realizing Depression is the first step forward.

If needed, seek help.

Hope this helps you forward.

Just an extract from a post by notperfect5 (hope you don't mind np5) that you may wish to ponder and put your wife's decision into perspective.

DON'T blame yourself for not being enough this or that. My WW's OM was a weasely, worthless piece of shit that harbored a minor when he was 37. Somehow my wife thought he hung the moon... It was about 18 months before the shine finally wore off and then she realized she had been completely insane. As my friend told me, "If you had lined up 100 guys to pick from, he would have been #100).

So it's not about you. It's not even about the OM as much. It's about your wife being BROKEN and SELFISH, like a person who is drowning and is pulling those who are near her under.

DON'T blame yourself for not being enough this or that. My WW's OM was a weasely, worthless piece of shit that harbored a minor when he was 37. Somehow my wife thought he hung the moon... It was about 18 months before the shine finally wore off and then she realized she had been completely insane. As my friend told me, "If you had lined up 100 guys to pick from, he would have been #100).

So it's not about you. It's not even about the OM as much. It's about your wife being BROKEN and SELFISH, like a person who is drowning and is pulling those who are near her under.

Yes, but who cares really. She's not lonely, I am choking on my loneliness. I am suffering, she is having some nice fucking cake. She is better off.

She may not seem lonely now, but she will be. She’s too broken to sustain a healthy long term relationship. I know the anger...trust me I know, I’m also getting D’d...but unless she or any WS does the work on themselves, all their relationships are doomed.

Hang in there. Please be kind to yourself. ((Hugs))

Yes, but who cares really. She's not lonely, I am choking on my loneliness. I am suffering, she is having some nice fucking cake. She is better off.

Falc, my wife was lining up to get a divorce. She was, in her mind, already gone, ready to abandon me. I guess our 5 children aged 3-15 is what kept her from dumping me.

Does that make me feel better? No. It makes me feel worse. She would have dumped me, but that would have been deeply embarrassing and would have cost her 1/2 the time with her children. So I got to tag along with the family as she screwed the POS OM month after month as she raged on me, resentful that I was making her love/fuck fest more troublesome. Life could have been awesome if it weren't for me raining on her unicorn world.

And then she finally pulled her head out of her ass. She was addicted to the dopamine and the way he made her feel.

She was still resentful and verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the family, but she went to IC and started to unravel her brokenness. For two years she kept reading and working on herself. We then started MC, which was agonizing for me, but helped her to see things from the proper perspective.

In hindsight, I wish she would have just run off and spared me the year+ of all the blameshifting and gaslighting. At least she would have been just an adulteress rather than a lying, cheating, abusive adulteress...

It is difficult to watch your wife drive off to spend the day with the OM, then have to hear about what a shitty husband I am later in the week.

So, fast forward 3-1/2 years...

She is a better wife than she ever has been in the past. She is a good mom. She works hard for the family and our children and really is trying to change who she was into a loving, kind, caring, and respectful person. It's a work in progress and not without a slipup here and there. It's a life's work.

I still hurt, and I would never say that "I'm thankful" for her cheating. She could have just fixed herself without the 5 years of utter hell she delivered me and our kids. But she says that she had to hit bottom before she could change, and that she is so very, very sorry that I was hurt so badly in the process.

We will never be each other's onlies. There will always be the OM in our marriage, between us, in my mind. There is no fixing this. But you pick up the pieces and you do the best you can with what you put back together.

I don't know if your wife will come back. But the odds are really in your favor that the shine will wear off and that the OM will be viewed in a bad light, because it never was you that was the problem, it was her perspective and her selfishness. And the OM will eventually be viewed from that selfish perspective, except he will also be known to be a lying, cheating, abusive adulterer. It's almost doomed to fail.

So if she reaches out, and you want to reconcile, and she is wishing she hadn't committed adultery, then you can choose what she needs to do to earn back the place by your side. If you maintain the bridge, she may choose to try to cross back to you. You can choose to burn that bridge too. But it is very difficult and unlikely to un-burn a bridge.

If you want to pick up the pieces of your broken wife when she has hit bottom, it's up to you. I chose that path. It's very painful and humiliating, but it will likely be a choice for you. It can be very good in the end too if you are extremely patient and forgiving. I am glad that I am reconciling and my children are very thankful I held us together. I can't speak of those that divorced and moved on because I didn't choose that path.

I wish you the best in your recovery, whichever path you choose.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 8:36 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

So if she reaches out, and you want to reconcile, and she is wishing she hadn't committed adultery, then you can choose what she needs to do to earn back the place by your side. If you maintain the bridge, she may choose to try to cross back to you. You can choose to burn that bridge too. But it is very difficult and unlikely to un-burn a bridge.

Thank you for the encouragement but I think you're misguided here. She moved 3000 miles away to be with OM. She is NOT coming back, nor do I believe she ever will attempt to reach out to me as she can't face guilt or shame. She burned the bridge, not me. She is not coming back, ever. I had no choice but to file, I am not going to stick around hoping she comes out of it while she lives and is in a relationship with the OM on the other coast of the US.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:38 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

She moved 3000 miles away to be with OM. She is NOT coming back, nor do I believe she ever will attempt to reach out to me as she can't face guilt or shame. She burned the bridge, not me. She is not coming back, ever.

Yes, that is quite the bridge burning there...

Well, then she will be far from friends, family, and will likely soon be alone with a history of adultery. That makes her a very poor candidate for wife material for even the most mediocre potential husband.

I would think a return with a tail tucked under is likely sooner or later if you leave it open. But without children, I don't know why you would want to. She is really up a creek without a paddle. Such a shame.

I would think a return with a tail tucked under is likely sooner or later if you leave it open

I just couldn't stand around and wait while she did this. I had to file, I had no choice. The type of person she is, she will put her everything into her new relationship even if it is awful. It will be years if it ever fizzles out, but most likely it will get extremely serious very fast. Once our D is final, I fully expect them to get engaged. I appreciate the sentiment, but again, she is never coming back.

Hey Falc

Just wanted you to know we were thinking of you.

Hope you’ve found some rays of sunshine. At the very least be glad you’re not in the 18 degree weather like me.

Take care.

Thanks Steve. Still here, alive and kicking, doing a little better. Every email I get from my lawyer kicks me back into the negative thoughts and the pit in my stomach. Seems like she's avoiding her responsibilities like usual. She wanted the divorce, yet she's lagging. Meh. Other than that, I am just living. Got back into playing my guitar finally, slowly getting myself and my life back. I mean the path forward is set, just have to walk it now. Alone. But it is what it is. I am not happy, but I am focused on moving ahead.

Not being constantly on SI has been helpful for me really. I read threads, get pissed at the chances at R people get or just ruminate on what happened through other people's eyes and it's not really helping me. I do miss my wife, but the pain goes away as soon as it comes. Hopefully soon it'll just not be there.

Not really much else to say. I am getting through each day, still working out constantly, still hanging with friends and family. But I'm taking time to be alone too, still in IC. Truckin' along, bent but not broke.

Thanks for reaching out, I really appreciate it.

Falc. I hope 2019 is a better year for you. You deserve it.

I’m sorry your cheating wife did not realize what she had and value you.

Her loss.

17 weeks. And still a casual mention of her sends me into a spiral. I am able to break out of it easier now. But it's just ridiculous. Someone mentioned to me that she lives near Tampa and I literally said 'please don't mention her again'. But it still sent me for a loop. This kind of lasting pain is absolutely crazy. It fucking kills me so much that even this long down the road, it still hurts. I am trying to stay away from SI, as I appreciate the advice and the encouragement, but 95% of the cases I see on here end in R and it just makes me sad.

My uncle is going to die soon from cancer as it has spread to his bones and his eye. Looks like my Dad has prostate cancer as well. The start of 2019 isn't looking to great. I fucking hope this year starts to get better, I deserve something fucking positive.

See you guys soon.

I'm sorry you are still struggling.

If it is any comfort, it took me quite some time to move past my D as well. It was well after 17 weeks, I was still having issues. I can't say when exactly it became better. However, I am now very happy and even seeing my XWW doesn't bother me at all.

I hope you are seeing a counselor. It will be a big help.

Good luck and I hope you have some good things happening soon.

Falc, hang in there brother. There are times I have to take a break fro SI, it's therapeutic im some ways, and triggery in others.

Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first, take stock of where you are, and plan a path to a better place.