SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did two years alone post Divorce. In an isolated area. When I mean alone, I mean celibate. Boy, did that wake me up. Once you realize how much power you have in regards to the opposite sex, the world is yours.

Once I got back into the scene, Dating was so easy. Shooting fish in a barrel.

[This message edited by BBBD at 10:32 AM, January 7th (Monday)]

I don't know, I think I'm going to stop posting. But I really don't have anywhere else to vent aside from my IC. My family and friends are seeming to get tired of my bitching and all the people who post here are probably getting tired of it too.

I have been fucking miserable the last week. I've cried a lot and when I'm not crying I've just shut myself in my house. I have made it to the gym without issue, but aside from that, I've been relegating myself to the couch pretty much. I just can't get over the feeling of worthlessness. I was thrown away for someone who is completely ugly inside and out, someone who my wife literally never met in person before she moved into his place. It just makes me feel like I must be so fucking horrible and awful that someone who used to love me literally can start talking to someone who weighs 150 more pounds than I do and doesn't take care of himself at all via online chats and then move 3000 miles away and move in with him. Without even meeting in person! Imagine that shit! It fucking tears me up inside I can't even breathe, it literally makes me want to die. How can a marriage mean nothing to someone? How can a person mean nothing to someone? How can this person be with me for almost 8 years and then be so fucking evil and heartless? I am not a boyfriend, I'm her fucking husband! I am so filled with disgust, rage, and self hate. I want to tear my skin off and burn it and smash everything I own.

Everywhere I look I see her. I see women with that I am attracted to and think 'I used to have that. Now she's sucking his dick, making him dinner, spending nights with him'. They've probably fucked in every room of his place already. I was in a store yesterday and one of her favorite LIGHTS songs came on and I fucking lost it. I couldn't keep the tears down and I had to run out like a crazy person. I can't see anything aside from how I failed to keep her, how I am such a worthless piece of shit that she dropped me for someone who is fat, ugly, has a kid, and flaunts his 'crippling depression' because 'he's the only one who understands me and my issues'. I am so fucking angry at the world.

I am just so far down the negativity hole right now, I don't know how to get out. And for people who come in here and have this wild exclamation that I am depressed... NO FUCKING SHIT. I see all these new threads saying about how someone got cheated on and their spouse is remorseful and wants to work it out and I get so jealous. I just want to post on these threads telling them to shut the fuck up and stop complaining because they don't even know what it feels like because they still have their spouse in their fucking bed. Yeah, false R sucks but I see so many posts of 'my spouse did the work and 5 years on it's been great!'. Fucking makes me sick to my stomach.

It's been almost four months. I have done SO MUCH to keep busy and to keep myself positive. But I can't be positive. I just want it to go away. Yeah I look great from going to the gym, I've been improving myself by going to IC and learning about boundaries and co-dependency, spiritually through church, spending a ton of time with my family and friends, spending time with my pets, starting to improve my career by initiating some networking certification procedures. It feels like I have not made any progress and here I am, negative as ever and it just doesn't go away.

I don't know if I'm going to post here anymore. I feel like everyone is just sick of my shit. Maybe it's time I just go into a hole somewhere.

[This message edited by Falc at 12:09 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Falc

I’m NOT sick of your shit. I think everyone else here agrees.

I will say you need to take breaks from pitying yourself (which btw everyone does - it’s normal) and enjoy life.

So I am still adamant that the best way out of this funk is to meet a lot of new people. You’ve talked about taking classes. I hope you will.

And how about volunteering at a pet or homeless shelter. The people who work there are some of the best souls on earth.

Let’s keep talking Falc.

Don’t hesitate from meeting and making acquaintance of someone just because they don’t look like your next love interest.

Instead take the attitude that you are going to befriend as many people as possible. First and foremost to get to know them for themselves and secondarily to meet those in their circles.

That someday will lead you to someone who absolutely will make you forget your WW.

It’s all part of the process. Please don’t give up.

Thinking of you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:28 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

I am not sick either. Though for what your WW did.

Moving 3000 miles away without ever meeting OM in

person screams that your WW if ever normal, or never

was but she just lost the ability to hide craziness

shows that she is definitely broken now.

Her actions solely reflect on her not you.

I was in depression for just under a year Falc. I know what you're going through and it sucks royally. I was so dysfunctional that after months of negative performance I was reprimanded and suspended for 3 days. The next step was firing if I didn't get my act together so amazingly, I somehow pulled myself out of it. I'm hoping that you'll do the same. Your DDay is still fairly recent. Don't be too hard on yourself. Most folks take over a year to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Until then you have to just power through it. I'm rooting for you.

Falc you've had a lot of shit happen to you in a short time frame.

Your mom passed away very recently. You were never given the time to truly grieve, because soon after you had to deal with your WW bullshit.

I know you're hurting but my friend you're looking at this all wrong. Why in the world would you want a woman who wasn't there for you when you needed her? Not only was she not there for you but she pulls this shit and stabs you in the back thus adding to your pain.

Why would you want her in your life knowing who she really is? Stop trying to figure out why she did all of this because you are NEVER going to find out. Even if she wanted to R why in the world would you want to attempt this?

I think what you need more than anything is time to grieve. The pain you're experiencing isn't just going to go away overnight. I loss my dad two yrs ago and it still hurts like hell. That said it doesn't hurt as much as it did when it first happened, or last yr, or six months ago. Over time TRUST ME the pain does get easier.

Despite what you're going through you are keeping yourself busy and being productive. Continue to do that because whether you can see it or not it's helping you through this process.

Please consider sticking around SI. Trust me nobody is sick of you or upset with you. We see your pain and we know how much it hurts. The worst thing you can do is to bottle up all your emotions. Come here to vent it's ok.

We all wish there was some magical formula to make all of this pain go away but you're going to have to grind through this step by step and day by day.

Make yourself a list of everything this woman has done to you and when you start thinking about why all this has happened and missing her pull the list out and read it so you can remind yourself why it's best that she is out of your life. You DESERVE much better. When you look at this list trust me you won't miss her or the good times you had. You're still in the denial stage and that's ok. I know you get angry from time to time as well but once you've truly accepted this you'll move out of the denial stage and it will be a step in the right direction. Making that list will help you get angry and it will immediately shut down missing her.

You didn't break her nor did you ever have the ability to fix her.

Go back to your wedding vows "through good times and bad times". This woman wasn't there to help you when you needed her the most and then she betrays you as well. F THAT!!!

Hang in there Falc. You WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You have to trust this. We can tell you this all day long but it's you that has to believe it.

One day at a time. Stop looking at the big picture as it can be overwhelming. Do what you have to do to get through the day at hand.

Not sick of it either falc. Feeling pretty shitty this morning from A-related discussions and although for different reasons, I feel very like you. I'm 3+ years out and am in R.

Infidelity completely messes with you, whether it is R or ends in a D.

Sorry your having a rough time buddy. Uou are not alone.

Falc I'm not sick of listening either.

I think it's time to see a Dr. and get treated for depression. I don't generally recommend this but in your case I think it's necessary. I did it so i could sleep at night and function at my job.

Are you in counseling? You should be. You have been traumatized and that's what counselors are for.

Vent here all you want. You are not alone.

Consider adopting a dog.

Consider your area 'meet up' events.... they are organized by event or topic and are an easy way to connect with others

Falc, vent here. We're not tired of it. We're here to help you through. Your feelings are totally normal. Unlike many of the BS's here, I was, like you, dumped by my WGF for another man who was a POS. My life was torn up and I had a long period of self loathing, much like you are describing.

I then went through a highly dysfunctional "broken" phase, where I had relationships with other broken people. Dead-end relationships with no chance of going anywhere. Then I was totally single for a while, to clear my head. As that was happening, along came the woman who is now my wife of 23+ years.

Time is the only way through it. We're here for you.

Hey Falc,

1) Please don't stop posting. Everyone here has had a master class in emotional pain. No one here is judging you or wishing you'd go away. I promise.

2) I have a hard question for you. It is based on your comments about R.

If your WW came crawling back to you today, seemingfully full of genuine remorse, and swearing to "do the work," would you take her back?

I want you to reflect on this seriously, with reference to your own sense of self-worth.

Your in the rollercoaster of emotions Falc. Please, if you feel anything, know that we here are to support you. You have shown growth and respect for your self. You are human with emotions just like all of us that have been through this before. If you need a break for you, take one. But know that we here are and will be in your corner to help.you through this hard time in your life. So do what you think is best for you, take a break and gain some clarity. Or continue to us this forum to vent. We will continue to help you through this as much as you want us to.

Hey Friend,

This forum is here for you 24/7, 365 days a year, and as the responses you have already receive prove, nobody is tired of you or sick of you. We want to be here for you at exactly these times.

When you have found your way back to happiness - and that will happen - that is the time to be thinking about cutting down on your posts. Or maybe you will come back and help other people. And it is always good to get updates from people.

However, if you are having tough times, why turn your back on a bunch of friends who want to do whatever they can for you? Maybe no-one can wave a magic wand and fix everything in one hit, but working together, we can certainly make things better.

And more than that, we want to listen to you because you matter to us. People who come here do it because they care, and because they have walked the same paths as you, and faced the same challenges. And because of that, they know just how much it means to have someone else care enough to listen.

So please, Falc, let us listen to you, and let us do what we can for you.

I also have a long hangover when bad things happen. what I did was to go to place of my religion and spend time in the premises and also interact with priests on regular basis. You can also talk with them without the risk of feeling weak. Do not get discouraged by your family feeling kind of irritated, normally they still help. Also it is required to get medical help at the initial stages although all it does is keep you in a state where the feelings do not heart you as much.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:26 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Falc I feel the same. My WS chased after trash who did any nasty thing and said any nasty thing he wanted to hear. If she had been willing to leave her trusty BS, he would have dumped me. I have no doubt and he still might.

I feel like crap every time I think of them. Im pretty, Im smart, Im funny but it wasnt ####### enough. If I let it get to me, I dont feel like doing anything. I try to tell myself they are just thoughts and not the truth. But they hurt just the same.

She isnt thinking right, running off after someone she doesnt know. Falc, it doesnt make sense at all. It never will. He just said some crap to her and shes going to snap out of it one day and see it for what it is. I know you love her and thats why its agony for you. Please keep treading water because we all care about you. Its an excruciating thing and no one expects you to just get on with it. You need to find some releif from the pain. Some happiness somewhere for a few hours. I dont know what that is but its out there.

I was watching Tommy Caldwell's film The Dawn Wall about his impossible climb up El Cap's most slippery face. He devoted all his mental and physical energy to this puzzle to keep his mind off the pain of his wife leaving. He had to create this insane goal for himself because of that crushing sadness.

The pain is great but you will beat it. Get involved in something that demands your time and mental energy. You need something in the future to focus on.

Falc-

Please check in so we will know that you're OK. There are many many many here who are very concerned about you and your well-being.

Yes, please check in Falc. We're extended family here.

Falc

First: keep posting as long as you need to.

Second: This takes time, but YOU can impact how long it will take.

When you start slipping down the rabbit-hole of misery you can decide to scramble out… You can decide to recognize the symptoms and to break out. I’m NOT so naïve as to claim you can be happy, but with the correct actions you can limit or minimize your misery. I want to share some strategies and coping mechanisms I used.

The key issue to me was to recognize when and how I felt especially miserable. Frankly for the first weeks it was more-or-less 24/7. But I did things like:

Before entering the station for work I would sit in my vehicle and consciously put the relationship and infidelity issues to one side. I would commit to not thinking about these issues while clocked in. Of course, I couldn’t always comply – thoughts would slip in – but when that happened I would consciously remind myself that this was time-off from the negative thoughts.

I kept myself socially busy. Not necessarily weekends only or with friends, but I tried to spend time out amongst people. If I felt blue I would go to the gym, to the store, to the mall, go see a movie, to the driving-range, to a specialty-store… whatever. Just to be amongst people.

I walked and jogged. Repetitive action numbs the brain.

I did chores. When I came home from work I kept very busy. I guess I hoovered my apartment daily, washed the dishes even when clean…

I had a list of chores that I would do if I realized I was slipping into negative thoughts. I guess I waxed my vehicle twice weekly, cleaned the bathroom every other day… Eventually the choice of either surrendering the negative thoughts or having to do these chores was enough to snap me out.

I did projects. I painted my dad’s garage, rearranged the tools, fixed the roof…

Get the picture? I kept physically busy, ensuring I was worn-out every evening. I did not spend time gaming,

Third: Eventually I found strength in turning the negativity into relief.

To get to that stage I had to fully embrace that my fiancés actions were totally her blame. I had my faults, but infidelity was never the correct response. Once I embraced that FACT I could think of her actions and what she did and think “Thank God I got out of that one. I really dodged a bullet”.

Think this through Falc: Of course, we all want that none of this happens, but since you were doomed to go through infidelity then try to find solace in that it happened NOW. Not 2-4-6-8-20 years from now when you had even more of your life committed to her. Maybe even kids. Maybe even assets in the house. Imagine if she was walking away with half your mom’s inheritance. Imagine having to drop Falc jr. off at her new home for the week.

Eventually Falc I reached a place where I would feel gratitude for having escaped.

Thank you for the encouragement, I really value this community and if you all don't mind me ranting then I suppose I will not stop posting.

If your WW came crawling back to you today, seemingfully full of genuine remorse, and swearing to "do the work," would you take her back?

In my current state of mind, yes I probably would. Even with all the fucked up, evil, and heartless shit she has done to me. I just can't turn off love no matter how hard I try. Queue the 'you need more self respect' comments... I know.

To answer some of the comments:

1. Yes I am in counselling

2. No I will not put myself on anti-depressants

3. Yes I have a dog and a cat that keep me somewhat sane

Bigger, I get the fact that chores and going places help. After I get back from going somewhere or doing a chore, the pain comes back. There's just nothing more to do than to continue what I'm doing, feel the negativity and the pain and give it time. I hope that I can get to a spot mentally where I can say that I dodged a bullet because right now all I can think about is how she's having this wonderful life and I'm stuck here picking up the pieces. She got away free. And I just can't stop thinking about how she gets to have sex and I am not. It's stupid I know but it seems like she's better than me because I am using sex as a metric of validation. But it still bothers me because when we got together, she was 19 and she sucked at sex. I taught her a lot of stuff and we had great fucking sex by the end. And now this guy gets to enjoy the fruits of what I worked on. I always thought to myself 'man I can't wait when she's older and she matures'. It just tells me that if the sex sucks at the beginning and the person isn't worth it, just cut and run. Don't put work into it at all.

Like, I get it. It's her fault, she is fucking broken beyond repair. And she will never get better because she's just right back into a serious relationship, using sex and using the relationship to make herself happy. I get it, history will repeat itself. Probably not tomorrow, or in 5 years, but it most likely will. But it doesn't take away the loneliness. The feeling that I am a failure, that I am a piece of human fucking garbage because she cast me out for someone who is a complete scumbag. It makes me want to rip my guts out, it makes me want to breathe fire from every godamn orifice in my body and burn down everything and everyone. Ruin someone else's life for once.

I can't change what happened. But I'm doing everything I can, I've taken the advice of people here and I just don't feel any fucking better. I mean I could've just stayed in bed, ate ice cream and gained 150 pounds so there's something there. At least I am fighting, but I feel like I'm losing. Feels like she fucking won because she has someone and I'm stuck here paying for everything, cleaning up everything, taking care of a life that was built for two people. Being the good person here just seems so stupid, like there's nothing in life for a good person. I feel like I just want to go on Tinder and just break a million hearts and get laid, to turn into this horrible evil person because that's how you get ahead in life.

I don't know, I just hate the world. I look at people and I just want to tear their head off.

In my current state of mind, yes I probably would. Even with all the fucked up, evil, and heartless shit she has done to me. I just can't turn off love no matter how hard I try. Queue the 'you need more self respect' comments... I know.

This is what I suspected.

You think you don't have self-respect or self-worth. I don't think that's true. I think your sense of self-respect and self-worth are just being eclipsed right now by the denial phase of your grief, which kicks in especially hard when something this shocking happens so fast, and especially when you are already in a vulnerable state, as in still grieving/ never having fully grieved your recently deceased mother.

As a person in R, for the second time, and having read a thousand stories on this site, let me tell you what would happen if your WW came back and you offered her R. I am telling you this not as baseless speculation, but fact.

One of two things would happen if your R's with WW:

1) Based on the person you described, your WW is way too immature for the hard work of R. She would almost definitely manipulate the hell out of you and push for a hard Rugsweep.

2) But let's imagine a full fantasy where she does as well as the average R-worthy WS. Let's imagine she goes into IC, works on herself, starts becoming the better woman you always hoped for.

Either way, your emotional progression over the next 2 years would go like this:

First 3-6 months: Huge, tremendous relief, giving you amazing marital "highs" where you think "this is going to make us stronger than ever!" etc. Lots and lots and lots of hysterical bonding, sex like it was in the beginning. All of this is punctuated by intensely painful "crashes," where you feel as hopeless and worthless as you do much of the time now, and wonder what the fuck is wrong with you that you are still with this person. Also punctuated by periods of stomach-dropping trust-panic, where you feel convinced that she is still hiding something, possibly many things, from you, possibly still in touch with AP or still active in the A. This makes you feel crazy and paranoid, like you are losing your mind, because one minute everything feels great and fine like it was before, and you are sure you can trust her, and the next minute you are 100% certain you are sleeping with the enemy, literally.

While she is out of the house, you are frantically rifling through all of her shit, checking every electronic trail you can find, spending hours getting your own personal non-official degree in "Amateur Sleuthing for the Terminally Paranoid BS"--all it costs is most of your free time and all of your dignity! After hours of this, she gets home, you act like everything is fine, eat dinner together over awkward superficial conversation, maybe have a little heart-to-heart about the A and your feelings that soothes you temporarily, and then it's to bed for some animal sex, fraught with mind movies featuring her "sucking the OM's dick" (to use your phrase), which make you feel disgusting and also sometimes have the bewildering and humiliating side-effect of turning you on, so that you can hate yourself just a little bit more. Awesome.

If she TT's you on any of the details, or has renewed contact with OM during this time, this glorious period is more likely to last longer, maybe 6-8 months. Give or take.

Months 6-18 (or longer, depending): The shock and denial are beginning to diminish. The "scare" that the M is over is starting to pass, allowing your body/feelings/mind a break from the constant adrenaline-cortisol cocktail you have been main-lining for months.

Hysterical bonding winds down, the tremendous surges of relief begin to subside, as do the worst of the horrendous shocks of panic and pain. Something like "normal" is trying to creep back in. Only every part of you knows, nothing is normal any more. More importantly: normal terrifies you. Normal is how things were when the A happened. Normal means: "winter is coming."

And beneath the surface, something subtle and important starts to happen. This is a change in you that is an inevitable consequence of what you've been through. It will happen for you in R, and it will happen for you in D.

You start to get back in touch with who you really are. You start to remember: "Hey, I'm a pretty great person. Actually, I'm kind of amazing."

Because up until now, it's been all about WW. WW WW WW WW. She's been the obsession. She caused you all the pain. She was maybe going to leave you. Oh, thank God, she didn't. Oh my God, what if she's still cheating? What if she's lying? What exactly did she do? What is she doing now? It's all her her her in your mind, ad nauseum. You can't stop it. (Well, maybe people who are absolute masters of self-control and self-care who have figured out how to R while sitting in some sort of "Transcendent Dojo of the Modified 180" can stop it, but I think those people are pretty much unicorns).

For the rest of us pitiful mortals, the early, "recovery" phase of R is basically a relentless obsession of the WS, and clinging to the wobbly shoulder-bars of the emotional rollercoaster for dear life.

So as you slowly start to emerge from this early phase, you start to remember that, "hey, look at that: me." And as you start to bring our attention back to yourself, you start getting back in touch with our innate sense of self-worth. It was there all along, it just took a mammoth hit to the heart, lungs, liver, and spleen, and has been a little out of commission for a while. And it is not lost on you, in these moments of slowly recovering self-worth, who exactly it was that put it so wretchedly out of commission. And exactly how.

And at some point in that 6-18 month window, if you are doing the work of R (and that doesn't stand for Rugsweeping), you will realize that your sense of self-worth is not only back to full health, it is healthier than it has ever been. Because doing this work has forced you to stand up to your WS, for yourself, risking the M over and over again to do the right thing, and all of this has forced you to truly acknowledge how truly whole you are. That you will really be just fine, in the end, with or without this person. And that is a gift that no one can ever take from you, because it comes from within.

Only, in R, this process has taken quite a long time. There were a lot more delays along the road.

And in R, you are left in a very perplexing place, once self-worth has returned. Because you have never been more fully aware of your own worth, and what you deserve. And also, you are left with the reality of who your WS has been. Even if they have mightily worked and changed, you are left with ugly record of their disrespect, disregard, and cruelty. Can you really live with that? Like, forever? Can you ever really balance that ledger? Will it ever feel that the work they've done is worth what it costs you to stay?

These are the impossibly hard questions you are left with, down the R road.

My point is this. You will find your self-worth again, my friend. It has taken a critical wound, but you are smart enough that you know your value, deep down. And deep down, you know hers. It will all sink in. It will come to you.

And when it does, you will no longer care whether she is happy, or miserable, or sucking someone else's dick. It will no longer matter to you whether she is happier than you, or being punished for her terrible choices. And most importantly, you will have no desire for her to come crawling back. You will only feel relief, at the thought, that she never did, and that you were spared the impossible heart-ache that was waiting for you down the R road. You will simply be: free.

All of this will come to pass, whether you think now that it will or not. Don't lose hope.