SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The short side.of a long story is that in early May I found out my husband of 27 years was a sugar daddy to a 25-year-old in another town. He was seeing her while I thought he was away on fishing trips or working late. I had been concerned that there was something going on which led me to my detective work. But I never in a million years would have guessed my husband was lying and cheating. He had put himself on a website called seeking arrangements as a man in his mid-30s. He is 48. There were lots of women that he came in contact with and had Sexually explicit text conversations with but only one that I know he developed a relationship with. After he was caught he even had the nerve to tell me that he did not have sex with her. That it wasn’t like that. And he could never do that to me. A couple days later I realized I could see his text messages on the phone carrier website. And confirmed that he had definitely been having sex with her. Not that I believed that anyways. He spent the next weeks crying His eyes out to myself and our adult kids. Begging for forgiveness and vowing to change his evil ways. At the same time however I noticed rolls of quarters in his truck. After a friend told me that he is likely using them for the tolls to go into Chicago to see this girl because he couldn’t use the iPad anymore without getting caught. I bought a GPS tracker for his truck. So 3 Weeks after he was originally car he stood in our living room crying to me in front of our 22-year-old daughter telling me how much he loved me. And that he was going to make things right. And that he was going to give me my space and go stay with his mom for the night. About an hour and a half after he left I checked the GPS tracker app on my phone and he was in Chicago with this girl. Literally two blocks away from our sons apartment. My son walked to that restaurant where he was with this girl and walked in on them. Just said hi. Asked how he was doing. And then walked out. My husband followed him out the door. Asked him to not say anything to his mom that we were trying to work it out. My son said why are you here with her if you’re trying to work it out with Mom? He said I’m just having dinner. It’s no big deal. My son challenged him to leave right then and that he would call the girl and Uber and get her home. My husband wouldn’t leave. I went The next day and signed a lease for an apartment. I had to get away from it. He ended up not going in anymore to see her. I think she dumped him. He swore everything was over and that he was going to get his head together and he realized that he was losing everything and was sorry. Bullshit. Sorry he got caught. So I moved out June 1. He was heartbroken as it seems. I continue to question him and his motives. I noticed on the phone bill that he had gotten a Snapchat code to open his Snapchat again. Our use the code to sign into his Snapchat. Caught him talking very nasty two very young girls on Snapchat. I contacted one of them because when I confronted him he said that was all old stuff. This girl told me that was the correct date and that my husband was being extremely inappropriate and he scared her. She was 21 years old. I also found him on seeking arrangements again and watched him for several weeks. I could see when he was logged in in active. So I knew he was talking to someone on there. He had given me his location on his iPhone at that point so I don’t know that he acted on any of the things he was talking to women about and less he left his phone at home at night. And there are many other things the lies the lack of information It just seems to go on and on. But all the while he tells me he loves me and keeps stringing me along. 27 years of marriage and I would say a pretty decent one to have a man’s character change so much is scary. I just don’t know if it’s worth it for me to have daily ups and downs because of him. People tell me that it’s amazing that I still even talk to him. Does anyone have a crystal ball they can see the future?

He's showing a pattern of behavior. He's into prostitutes,and he doesn't give a shit about you or your kids. I know it's easy for me to type this from the comfort of my office chair, but you need to divorce him. Hire a lawyer, get a forensic accountant, and recover the money he spent paying for sex. I know it's scary, and I know it isn't fair, but in the long run, your life will be so much better without someone who pays to have sex with people in the same age group as his children.

^^^^^^^^^^ This is great advice^^^^^^^^^^

I know you are right. But this is so out of character for him that i feel like he has something mental wrong with him. I miss the good times and mourn for everything we loose in the future together if we divorce. I have an attorney already. Just have to make the call to proceed. I have done some counseling and he has as well. My counselor said to plug my ears. Don’t listen to what he says. Watch what he does. How his actions make me feel. Not his words. Because he says all the right things. But doesn’t back it up with actions. I don’t know if i could ever get to a point where i could get over his cheating anyways.

It’s not ok for him to date and sext other girls.

He is behaving like a typical cheater.

The incident where your own child caught him and he refused to leave the woman and lied to your children is the worst.

Read up on the 180. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself.

This may have always been his character and you just finally caught him.

But this is so out of character for him that i feel like he has something mental wrong with him.

I remember feeling this way with my ex wife in the few months directly following my discovery. With a little bit of time and distance, though, I realized that this was her character, and I can almost assure you that this has been your husband all along.

Cheating is an inherently narcissistic act, rooted in selfishness, entitlement, and emotional immaturity. Those are character traits, not aberrations. Continuing to lie to you while sneaking around and paying young women for sex is a good indicator that these behaviors will never change. A lot of cheaters are cake eaters. They want the comfort and stability of home while also having the illicit thrill of an affair. This is who they are, not because of how they happen to be behaving at the moment, but because they have always been lacking in character.

You are in shock right now, and you're wanting to believe the mental image you've built of this man over the course of a large portion of a lifetime. That is natural and normal. Very few of us were able to integrate the severe character flaws exposed by infidelity into that picture right away. Those flaws are there, though, and given his continued behavior, they are not likely to go away.

If it helps, think about what sort of advice you'd give to one of your daughters if she caught her husband risking her health, safety, security, and well being by seeing prostitutes. If her husband continued to see them after being caught while continuing to sneak around with them. Would you find that acceptable for her? If not, ask yourself why it's acceptable for you.

Thank you for that awesome reply! You are right, I would diagnose him as a covert narcissist. He fits the profile pretty well, now and over our long marriage I could see it from time to time. But we had a trusting marriage. I never questioned things and checked up on him. He would go on week long fishing trips and I would feel worried about him at all. He works for the electric company and sometimes works all nighters, rolling in at 6 or 7 am. So i didn’t question when he added a couple days on his fishing trips to stop in Chicago. Or work an overnight that he didn’t really work. He distanced himself from me and the kids, not even replying in family group text messages. His change in his personality and all those little things are what got me questioning things. I really don’t think the cheating was going on before this March. But the lying I feel doesn’t develop overnight. And because I don’t check on him he could have been lying to me for years about little things, and now it has turned into a much larger scale.

This is possibly a mid life crisis type of thing. I know my H had his last A with a much younger woman and was very ready to D me to be with her.

He flaunted his A in my face. How rude is that? He became someone I hardly recognized.

But in reality there were little signs ovEr the years. I just ignored them. Or I gave in to keep the peace.

But right before his A started I asked him to do something. He agreed to do it. Then decided he wasn’t going to do it and started to behave like a spoiled child. I stood my ground. I called him on it. He didn’t like it but I refused to back down or give in.

He wound try to sneak behind my back. Not tell me where he was going.

And then during this time he meets the OW. And the A begins - unbeknownst to me. I believe he was angry at me and allowed the A to happen.

The arrogance of your H when he refused to leave her after being confronted by his own child smacks of arrogance and selfishness and Affair Fog.

Yes your H is either in the Affair Fog or he is just selfish.

I can tell you the last time my H walked in the door and demanded a D was the day I snapped. I finally had enough of his crap for the past 6 months. I had an excellent therapist (like you) and my “give a crap “ meter finally blew.

I very calmly said I was going to Divorce him. I could no longer live with his infidelity and he was free to go and be with the OW (or anyone else). He no longer was making any decisions regarding me or my life.

I put on my witch with a “b” boots and took back the power and control in my life.

Best thing I ever did. We did reconcile and I’ve been happy. He changed and no longer cheats or lies.

And I call him out in everything I need to. No matter what.

And he admits he is now afraid I will leave him after what he did. He should be. Because I love him and all but he taught me that nothing is forever.

I hope your H gets his Head out of his Fantasyland before it’s too late.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:03 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

time to tell him to go fuck himself

std test yourself quickly

and you need a poly test

you're going to be surprised

I remember feeling this way with my ex wife in the few months directly following my discovery. With a little bit of time and distance, though, I realized that this was her character, and I can almost assure you that this has been your husband all along.

Cheating is an inherently narcissistic act, rooted in selfishness, entitlement, and emotional immaturity. Those are character traits, not aberrations. Continuing to lie to you while sneaking around and paying young women for sex is a good indicator that these behaviors will never change. A lot of cheaters are cake eaters. They want the comfort and stability of home while also having the illicit thrill of an affair. This is who they are, not because of how they happen to be behaving at the moment, but because they have always been lacking in character.

You are in shock right now, and you're wanting to believe the mental image you've built of this man over the course of a large portion of a lifetime. That is natural and normal. Very few of us were able to integrate the severe character flaws exposed by infidelity into that picture right away. Those flaws are there, though, and given his continued behavior, they are not likely to go away.

If it helps, think about what sort of advice you'd give to one of your daughters if she caught her husband risking her health, safety, security, and well being by seeing prostitutes. If her husband continued to see them after being caught while continuing to sneak around with them. Would you find that acceptable for her? If not, ask yourself why it's acceptable for you.

This above ^^^^^ is hard for a BS in a long term marriage to read, I actually had my therapist tell me that my H was a coward and was emotionally immature while first going thru IC after the A was uncovered. Being the self diagnosed CoDep that I probably am I found this very hard to swallow when it was first mentioned to me. I could not understand the "emotionally immature" aspect of it as my H was in his 50's at the time, hard working, had been what I felt was a "good Dad" when his boys were younger so it all just did not seem to compute in my head. Don't get me wrong, I did not disagree with the therapist, but it took awhile to wrap my head around it. I of course knew something was wrong but I would fight in my head the over all thought that this was probably not the first time and that this was probably a pattern and had been for awhile.

I think a BS just cannot wrap their brain around the fact that they did not see this happening, could not know it, was living with someone as a partner who you have children with, who you are sleeping next to, who was actively hiding very personal things, all while commingling money and real estate and retirement plans for years and it is so damn hard to think about trying to unravel a whole life with someone.

Marriage is a business and your business partner is your lover, spouse, father/mother and all rolled into one. If you were to detach enough to see it as a business you would fire the employee who is actively lying and stealing from you.... but hard to detach the emotions.

We say on here all the time that the brain knows what to do but the heart cannot seem to let go. Take your time, keep digging and keep talking. And I am very sorry you are going thru this, its all so damn painful.

Sugar Daddy implies that he is spending large amounts of money on these girls. Are you able to track this? The fact that he continues this after each time you catch him means that he care more about himself than what he is doing to you and the family. I can't believe he had dinner with her after you confronted and then continued after your son caught them together.

I don't think he get's that this is real. That he can lose everything. I agree with your Dr watch his actions and ignore his words (and tears).

Please seek legal advice and follow it I suggest you investigate what the ramifications of divorce would be.

Illinois has favorable laws regarding alimony for the individual that earns less or is a manager of the household. You need to be protected financially. If you make more than he does you need to take action to protect yourself.

Also, you and he need to get STD testing immediately. I suggest you not have sex with him until he returns to monogamy and stops utilizing prostitutes.

He needs to get into therapy with a certified sex therapist that can diagnose addiction.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

I suggest that you not project past emotions and characteristics of your husband onto who and what he is now.

Believe his actions. He a cheater. He has a way of thinking and dealing with life that endangers you and harms his family emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, and financially for interaction with sluts.

At his core, he is selfish, entitled, arrogant, and lacks honor and integrity. He has stolen resources from his family and given them to whores. Please see him for what he is now and respond accordingly.

Do not allow him to have you as a wife while also keeping 20+ year old sluts on the side. Refuse to share your spouse.

Can he change to become a safe spouse. No, not given his present efforts.

To be a safe spouse, he must be willing to do the hard work and transform himself into a husband worthy of someone like you and your children. He must change his thinking and mindset regarding how he deals with life. His work includes becoming a safe, healthy partner and also providing you with as much security as he can. He needs to eliminate wayward behavior from his life.

He must help you heal and rebuild the marriage. He must also restore the relationships with his children or support them from a far if they want nothing to do with him.

This seems a lot to ask from a man that refuses to leave sluts alone when caught by his wife and then by his adult children.

His actions of consistent safe behavior and doing the work will tell you if he is worthy of reconciliation.

If he does not begin to do the work to be a safe spouse perhaps you should get rid of him until your heart catches up with your brain. Let him live with a 20 something year old skank and see what such life is really like.

Once you process what has happened and see him for what he is you may no longer be interested in remaining in a relationship with him.

You cannot fix him nor can you go back to the marriage that you once had.

This is the reality of his betrayal.

Your WH is a SERIAL CHEATER and has probably been cheating on you for years, it's that this time he got caught as technology allowed this to happen, I would suggest you file for D, yes it may be a deal breaker for you if you're even questioning it, it will haunt you for years if you stay with him and because of the nature of his job you will always wonder what he's doing and with whom, he even stayed with the girl after being confronted by your son and asked him to lie to you (by omission), he has been risking his and your life by exposure to life threatening STDs, get tested now, I hope the results are clean but consider that if you stay with him you will basically be playing "Russian Roulette" and may not be so lucky next time, think about that.

Hopeless - Cheating is an inherently narcissistic act, rooted in selfishness, entitlement, and emotional immaturity. Those are character traits, not aberrations. Continuing to lie to you while sneaking around and paying young women for sex is a good indicator that these behaviors will never change. A lot of cheaters are cake eaters. They want the comfort and stability of home while also having the illicit thrill of an affair. This is who they are, not because of how they happen to be behaving at the moment, but because they have always been lacking in character.

This rings so true.

Thank you all for your replies. It really helps. It validates my feelings and that I’m not crazy thinking this is a big deal. He tends to rationalize and would like to just brush it under the rug. I do have a lawyer, made sure i could move out and take stuff from the house. H was ok with me taking Anythjng I wanted. We had enough furniture for me to furnish my apartment and to also leave him with enough. He pays my rent , actually doesn’t even know how to access the accounts. I still have total control, except for the fact he took out a credit card in his name only and I have no control of that. It’s actually a pretty nice setup for him now I’m realizing. He doesn’t need to

Be accountable for his time, sometimes I don’t hear from him for a couple days. Alway says he loves me. Just head games I guess.

Alway says he loves me.

Actions, not words. Is he acting like he loves you? Do you do this to someone you love?

Your goal is to get out of infidelity as quickly as possible, this can be achieved through reconciliation or divorce. In your case it’s divorce. Your husband clearly wants to bang young women and he justs regrets that he doesn’t love you enough to keep his family together. Move on from him and let the young women pick at his bones. I think you should expose him to friends and family and file for divorce. If that doesn’t straighten him out then nothing will.

You need to get control of your financial future.

You can D him but still be in contact in any way you want. You can also R if you feel he has changed.

But you cannot allow him to support these women with your share of the $. Unless you work and earn more than him. That is financial suicide if you do nothing.