SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going to believe the women on this site about female sexuality over the same few men who continue suggesting many of the WWs are minimizing.

but still, it's real hard to accept, even if it's true, that some many people here had crappy sex in their A.

On that we agree. I just have a hard time believing that affair sex is more often better than marital sex. But you better include the entire circumstances surrounding that sex....including how it is viewed post discovery. I can take several times through my marital history where individual encounters were fantastic. I would hope that would be the case with most married couples who have had sex thousands of times. Every episode wasn't vanilla, and every episode wasn't mind-blowing.

Just like pinkpggy explained. She had exciting encounters, and disappointing ones too. So what constitutes better sex overall? Would it be likely that SCP's WW had great sex all of the time, or just some of the time? And how do you think that she honestly views that sex today....because it does count on the overall experience....not just during the act.

The worst thing you can do is allow your WW or yourself to minimize. Your wife must take ownership or there will not be true R.

You too can not minimize as your will never truly recover.

Since the affair was nothing but sex, it needs to be addressed by both of your

Hi Rideitout

I agree with what you're saying but I don't think any of those 'real life' discussions would take place here. It would be a brave WS (male or female) to admit they prefer affair sex on this site. It would need to be on the Wayward forum behind a very strong stop sign and I still think it would cause an uproar.

PLEASE NOTE: I AM IN NO WAY DENIGRATING THIS SITE OR IT'S MEMBERS. IT'S AN AFFAIR RECOVERY SITE AFTER ALL. The waywards who have found their way here are those who wantto change.

I do find it quite interesting however that there is always a debate when a new WS is discussing confessing the affair. I've only been posting a few days but reading a while and have noticed that while a WH gets general encouragement about time lines, no trickle truth, transparency; Ww's get a whole lot more advice about not volunteering who's bigger, better etc. The the disparity between the two was quite surprising.

What is the saying here? Take what you need and ignore the rest? I know me and I'd rather have a more realistic view and deal with that.It's almost like plan and expect the worse and then anything positive is a bonus.

OP have you asked any questions? Did you ever find out details about the sex or if their cheating occurred at both houses?

What work is your wayward wife doing to repair what was missing in her such that infidelity will never be an option again? Is she doing anything to help you heal or making plans to assist you? Has she identified how she may undertake rebuilding the marriage?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:55 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

'Good' and 'bad' are extremely broad, interpretive concepts that change from person to person and over time--kind of like thinking you have a 'good' spouse and then finding out you don't. Suddenly lots of repressed issues are remembered, and you realize that what you called good was maybe not that good at all. Those damned rose colored glasses keep us seeing things not as they are but as we want or need them to be. Love and sex are certainly things that are colored by those tinted glasses, that's for sure.

Love and sex are certainly things that are colored by those tinted glasses, that's for sure.

Love yes, for sure. Sex.. Not for me (which is why I hang up on this issue, and I suspect that others do as well). Do I think my WW looks back positively on the sex? No, I don't, in fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't. But do I still wonder if he was bigger, made her orgasm harder than she ever had before, was hornier, more eager? Yes, I do, because to me, that indicates more desire for him and that his mechanics and techniques were better than mine. I don't want to be 2nd best with my wife, not from the perspective of "the overall man" but in general. And that's hard because, speaking for myself, I've had some "OMG" sex with people in the past that still comes to mind today. Mostly is was acts (things she'd do) and enthusiasm, but, without being too crass, other times it was just better "physically". I remember those experiences to this day, and, it makes me sick to think that my wife could feel the same way about her AP. "Oh man, if only he was hung like AP, this would feel so much better". I would bet my life that thought has crossed some WW's minds, they may not want it to, they may try to push it down, but there are women who've thought that, no doubt (and if there is doubt, go read on Whisper for awhile about affairs and prepare to have your soul ripped out of your body).

There is no answer to this. And it's not just women, the one I've heard from men is "so much tighter" and they way that translates to discover is "does she have kids". We all have this fear, and the fear becomes so much more debilitating when there's no way to fix it. OK, he sent you flowers every day, I can do that. But if he was hung like a bull and made you orgasm like you never have before well.. I can't do that, just like I can't suddenly be 6'5" tall. It's like a part of them that you can never get back, that will always be there, even though I believe they that NO WS who's remorseful wants it to be, it's still there.

Also, part of the problem, at least for me personally, is that I know how men talk about their AP's. And it's not "she's such a great person", it's "wow, she is so tight/wet/etc" (compared to my W; not said, but implied). So I know these comparisons happen, and I know that it's not only 4' tall, fat, bald men with a micropenis who wind up in A's. So some of us are being lied to, and when you know that to be true, it's hard to figure out what to believe and what not to.

Suddenly lots of repressed issues are remembered, and you realize that what you called good was maybe not that good at all. Those damned rose colored glasses keep us seeing things not as they are but as we want or need them to be.

Agree with this for sure.

SCP,

No affair is the same, so how can you ask these very specific questions about what your WW did? These answers are based on speculation.

Sure, there are lots of waywards (both male and female) that will say the sex wasn't great. There are wayward women that will say it was all about the attention and complements vs. the quality of the sex.

But no one else was in the room when its happened other than your WW and her AP. We can only guess for you based on what we know from our own personal experiences.

Many of the WS that post on here are remorseful. They are sorry and acknowledge the wrongdoing. Therefore, they look back on the affair with disdain.

IRL, I know PLENTY of people who either divorced or left their spouse for their AP. So does that mean the sex was awful for them? Of course not.

There is no way to really know 100% what went down, and that is part of the shit sandwich that comes with your WS having an A.

It's probably not helpful to your healing to be hyper-focused on the sexual details, but rather on the future actions of your WW. What is she doing to help you now? Does she seem remorseful? Is she willing to address her issues in IC?

SCP:

I am going to believe the women on this site about female sexuality over the same few men who continue suggesting many of the WWs are minimizing.

I certainly find the women here credible with respect to their own experiences, but there is selection bias going on there. If they're here, it is far, far likelier that they are regretful and remorseful and hence look back on the A negatively, in hindsight.

I think the problem is that what is true of the good / model WS'es here can't be extrapolated to the outside world generally.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 9:10 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]