SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Always aghast when I read this nonsense. If your ‘needs’ aren’t being met... be a grown up and talk to your spouse. I’m sick of this ‘ownership’ mentality. We’ve moved so far away from it in some areas but with infidelity a BS is asked to take part ‘responsibility’ for the affair! I own not one percent of my STBXcheaters behaviour, not one percent! He was and is a selfish, entitled, immature moron. I don’t care for celebrities much but I do care that her comments could have negative effects to other BS watching or reading that interview!

Pdxguy, how the beejeezuz would your therapist know that? Please elaborate on your therapists reasoning...

Well I look at this way:

Even though a lot of A "procedures" (I love you but not in love with you, re-writing marriage history, blah, blah, blah)are the same, every A IS different.

Let's face it. Some wayward's are just plain cheating assholes and don't give a damn about anything but themselves and don't care who they hurt. These are the people that do not take their marriage vows seriously and probably don't believe in it to begin with. These are usually serial cheaters and ego maniacs. They have numerous A's and don't change their ways. They don't see anything wrong with their actions.

Then there are other WW's that actually do love their spouse's but have really shitty coping and communication skills and when things go south, they make really bad decisions. I believe these are the relationships that have the best shot of R. Does it guarantee it? No, but it has a chance.

I think after an A it's important to look at your self and make any changes that need to be made. We are all human and none of us are perfect. Don't we strive everyday to better than we were the day before? Now, this doesn't mean that cheating is acceptable, it simply means that if you both look at yourselves and become a better person, you will be a better marriage partner. If not, at least make yourself the best person you can be for your next possible relationship. At least you will be able to walk away from the shit show of an A with something positive.

OwninItNow - yes it is very heartbreaking. It also breaks my heart to hear of BS's jumping through hoops trying to fix themselves to the satisfaction of the WS, and taking ownership of something that isn't their fault. Even my WH has said there was nothing I could have done differently and freely admits that he is the problem, yet up to today does nothing to try to address his problems, while telling me he's not done with the marriage. Um actions buddy. Words mean nothing.

I have something to ask opinions about along this line of discussion.

My wife became sexually active with 2 boys, her first boyfriend and second boyfriend, for some amount of time having sex with both concurrently, when she was 15, got pregnant not knowing who the father was, had an abortion, dropped out of high school at 17 and married her second boyfriend. She was married to him when we met two years later, I was single, our relationship and subsequent marriage (in 1981) began as an affair (in 1980), but it wasn't her first one during her first marriage, she had already had one with a married man earlier in 1980 before we met.

I really try hard not to accept any responsibility for her affairs, but also being a co-dependent, it's honestly hard to convince myself that knowing the facts about her past and accepting it by choosing to marry her anyway, doesn't change that, or alter it in any way?

I'm not the least bit surprised if any BS would take "some" of the blame or "A LOT" of the blame for the WS's A.

Clueless non BS's blame the BS for the A all the time.

In fact 99% of the popular and prevailing misconceptions blame the BS for the A anyways.

I have proof.

"Misconceptions about A's you had b/4 being cheated on?"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593607

Here is an excerpt of what I wrote in that thread.

Before the A

The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the WS consider cheating.

That something may be

1) Not enough sex

2) A nag

3) Cold

4) Unsupportive

5)ETC to infinity.

During the A

How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?

How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?

How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After Dday

The BS is dumb for staying with the WS.

The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.

It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less.

JimmyB IMHO, you are no more culpable in your WW affairs any more than any other BS. The only thing I would say is, you knew you were marrying a broken woman. Maybe you thought you could fix her. Maybe you attributed her past behavior as immaturity and thought she grew up. Maybe you thought the past men didn't treat her right, and you knew you would. I don't really know, but clearly you felt she wouldn't do it to you. You do recognize that you were/are broken too by admitting you're codependent. Unfortunately, in your situation, and mine too, you were both two very broken people, whose brokenness fostered the outcome, but never would I say you're to blame for her behavior.

In my case there wasn't past cheating on his part that I was aware of, but with his entitlement and my codependency, we were a perfect match for an infidelity laced relationship. It was always me giving, him taking, him complaining I wasn't giving enough and me trying to give more, until he decided to "help" me out by seeking what he thought I lacked in another person. Then him thinking no matter what he did, I'd never leave him. He was wrong on that last part. A person has a limit, and he surpassed mine.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 4:49 PM, October 1st (Monday)]