SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In June my wife told me that she had started a relationship with a kid she met while she was in the mental hospital(the last time). She had slept with him once in a hotel room while I was at my second job. She paid the babysitter with my hard earned money for this little trip. My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have 5 children together and I work full time as an engineer and part time as an adjunct professor. My wife has had severe post partum depression and when she gets off her meds she loses it in a big way. She started talking to this kid because she was apparently planning on divorcing me. She's 38, he's 24, doesn't own a car and just landed his first steady job selling mobile phones. Luckily, I am a former Marine officer and self discipline is something I am good at. That would be the only reason this punk is still breathing. My wife and I reconciled, she broke things off with the idiot and we are doing better than we have for a couple of years. However, my wife had sexual intercourse with another man. She kissed, touched and got naked with another man in a cheap hotel room while I worked a second job to support her and our children. Knowing this is tearing me apart inside. I don't feel the same about her as I did. Before, she was an angel and could almost literally do no wrong. The most beautiful and sweet woman I had ever met, the love of my life and the woman of my dreams. I would have and did do anything for her without complaint. Now, I feel like our marriage is stained. Touching her doesn't feel good. I vomit several times a day just thinking about what happened. Any time I hold her or kiss her I think about the other guy doing the same and it makes me sick. I love her still and will not be giving up on my marriage but I really have a desire for vengeance and for her to know what it feels like to know that another woman has taken what was rightfully hers. It hurts so badly. I had done my best to not neglect her while still providing adequately for our family. I got out of shape and started smoking. After I found out she cheated I quit smoking and have gotten back into Marine Corps shape. Now she's crazy about me again. But, it isn't the same. Something is broken inside me. I now see her as a sick and weak person that has been incredibly selfish. She is no longer on the pedestal that I had her on and the temptation to look elsewhere for someone that hasn't hurt me and that I can trust is getting to me. Please help me. I love my family. I feel like it is too much to bear....

Well brother sorry to hear your troubles and I can really relate to you about not feeling the same about your wife (i just moved out today). There is a lot of good people and advice on this board that can help you, praying for you brother.

Ok, ok, wait, hold up, stop. First of all you are nowhere even in the same vicinity as reconciled. Not even the same country. You may have made the choice not to divorce her immediately, or even the choice to attempt to forgive and try to reconcile but to claim reconciliation in 3 months? No, just no.

Why are you hiding the fact that she grosses you out? She should know this loud and clear. You are pandering to the wrong person. You should be being careful with yourself, not her.

Has she been std/sti tested yet? This is life and death she played with. You have no clue who he was with before or while he was with your wife. Stop physical contact and get her tested, and yourself, yesterday.

To directly answer your question, time. That's how you get over it. Most likely years. Plus self help, reading, therapy, individual counseling etc. This is ptsd territory. You are in the dmz, You just watched your entire family step on land mines simultaneously, the entire area is hot, you're bleeding out and you're worried about whether or not the sand around you is too hot to go barefoot. You seriously need to back up and assess the situation.

Start reading. The healing library link, top left menu, then the faq and articles links. Just start working through it. It's a good place to start.

Dude, don't rug-sweep. Go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page) and start reading. Print a copy of Joseph's letter and give it to her.

Get a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald, and both of you read it.

Be transparent with her about your feelings. If you feel anger, let it out. Call her a slut and a bitch and a whore if that is what you're feeling. Cry if you need to, in front of her. Tell her she disgusts you if that is true.

And do NOT have sex until you have both been fully tested for STD's.

Make her take a shit job, like an orderly at a hospital, to repay the costs incurred in her little soiree.

Something is broken inside me. I now see her as a sick and weak person that has been incredibly selfish. She is no longer on the pedestal that I had her on and the temptation to look elsewhere for someone that hasn't hurt me and that I can trust is getting to me. Please help me. I love my family. I feel like it is too much to bear....

say no more

you know what to do

visit a lawyer and file

There is NOTHING wrong w/ you.

Please know that.

That is a very natural reaction to your wife’s Affair.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:57 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

I think that after a couple of years your issue is that you and she did not fully address the problem than anything else. This assumes that there has been no questionable behavior by her in the interim. If you both do some IC and then some MC you may be able to salvage this situation. If you are past that level of effort than pulling the plug on a marriage to a cheater is always acceptable in my view.

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by arobk at 11:23 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]

jgh1984

I hear you man. I was the same way. To me my wife was everything. After her A, I realized she was not who I made her out to be. That it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I held her in such high esteem, I now realize she could never meet those standards that I projected on her. As soon as I began to realize that she wasn't this super, perfect wonder woman, that she was a normal , flawed human being, it helped me cope better. It also made me realize it was her and not me. I was not to blame. As long as your wife truly shows remorse and is sorry, you can do it. But if not, it is up to you to decide if you can live with her being like that. Good luck.

jgh,

What you're doing now is rugsweeping. Forgive and forget and move forward. At least that's what she'd like to do. Unfortunately, you're stuck in the hell of emotional trauma and can't just forget and move forward. You're in for a ride that lasts 2-5 years. And that's just to get over her infidelity. No fucking way you've "reconciled". You've forgiven her and want to forget. But you NEED to fully address her affair and her "why's" regarding how she could make those choices that endangered you and your family.

I can guarantee that you don't have the full story. You're going to need it or it will torment you. Trust me on this.

Has she sought counseling? Have you? That would be a great place to start. No marriage counseling for now. Total waste of money. It's fine that you haven't rushed to divorce. But you shouldn't rush to reconcile either. Just because she's crazy about you again doesn't mean she's a safe partner.

Like others have said, get tested for STDs YESTERDAY. Here's the truth: cheaters lie and then they lie some more. How did her "confession" come about? Was she behaving differently prior to her telling you? Or did you have a feeling something was off? There's almost always a period where the WS (wayward spouse) starts acting a little off. Distancing, secretive with phones/laptops. I'm just saying, start looking for those signs again. What is her mental state?

Really sorry you're here, man. When you're ready, tell us more of your story.

Luckily, I am a former Marine officer and self discipline is something I am good at. That would be the only reason this punk is still breathing.

Well, you could just rearrange his face a bit...

However, my wife had sexual intercourse with another man. She kissed, touched and got naked with another man in a cheap hotel room while I worked a second job to support her and our children. Knowing this is tearing me apart inside. I don't feel the same about her as I did. Before, she was an angel and could almost literally do no wrong. The most beautiful and sweet woman I had ever met, the love of my life and the woman of my dreams. I would have and did do anything for her without complaint. Now, I feel like our marriage is stained. Touching her doesn't feel good. I vomit several times a day just thinking about what happened. Any time I hold her or kiss her I think about the other guy doing the same and it makes me sick.

Yep, it's hard not to feel this way- because it's true. I felt the same way. I felt like apologizing to her every time we had sex. Or tipping her.

It hurts so badly. I had done my best to not neglect her while still providing adequately for our family.

I know, I know. And this was how she showed her gratitude. But it was about her and her only. You ceased to exist to her.

Now she's crazy about me again. But, it isn't the same. Something is broken inside me. I now see her as a sick and weak person that has been incredibly selfish. She is no longer on the pedestal that I had her on and the temptation to look elsewhere for someone that hasn't hurt me and that I can trust is getting to me. Please help me. I love my family. I feel like it is too much to bear....

And she never will be.

You need to accept her for what she is- a betrayer who has left a knife in your back; permanently oozing and festering. That sounds harsh, but that's the nature of a betrayer/betrayal. Perhaps try and find within her someone who may not be trustworthy or faithful but wants to make amends. Someone who you can appreciate what her better aspects are. She can't ever fully do so, but your job now is to learn to cope and accept the facts and move on.

BTW, have you told her these very things? Nicely, but frankly? Also, there are some good resources on how to help a spouse heal from infidelity. I think you have room and capacity to accept her again- albeit not for what she once meant to you, but enough to make the marriage work.

When I was in the navy I trained with the marines now and then on Guam. One thing I can to really respect was they way they overcame obstacles and persevered. I think you can do the same.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 8:38 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

So, if you didn't have five kids with her, would you still be with her? Probably not. First, make sure you can't have anymore kids. Second, keep working on yourself and do what makes you happy. You don't have to divorce her tomorrow, but the future doesn't look good. You are right, she is broken and it's her battle to fix herself.

(Posted on wrong older post.)

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 9:45 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Hey, brother,

I'm so sorry you're here. The betrayal of infidelity is a knife that cuts through bone. Only time can heal the wound, but you'll always walk with a limp. It can, and must, never be the same.

You need to start asking some serious questions. Why did you feel it necessary to place her on a pedestal? Why did you feel it necessary to give her everything, and that without complaint? Do you know who you are and what you value? Are those things that you value non-negotiable and have you made it clear to your WW? Taking back your power is at the heart of the 180 (go to The Healing Library)

You are at a crossroads. You can choose to do the serious work that needs to be done in order to reach the decision point of D or R (you haven't arrived there yet). You may also choose to rug-sweep the affair. The former is a path of strength, and allows you to regain your self-respect and operate from a position of power. The latter path will result in you constantly looking over your shoulder, hoping your WW doesn't decide to fuck someone else.

I've been through two DDays in as many years. The first time I was in a position of desperation and terror. I forgave her and allowed her to come back home, even though nothing had been resolved. So, I was compelled to live the horror of DDay#2 in February. The jury is still out about whether this will be D or R, although I'm definitely leaning towards D.

This nagging feeling that you have is an absence of self-respect. But you don't get that back with revenge, making her experience the pain that you've suffered. Your self-respect returns when you figure out who you are and what you expect and a refusal to compromise those non-negotiables.

Keep posting. There are people who will help with solid advice. Listen to them, even when it seems counter-intuitive.

Strength, brother.

[This message edited by Justabranch at 9:49 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. None of this mess is your fault. This is not the woman you married - she has changed so you need to treat her as someone that you do not know. Also, your marriage as you knew it no longer exists. You can start over with this stranger or exit.

It's sounds like your wife has mental problems which you need to address/control in order to have any chance at her being a trustworthy wife.

You both need IC ...her to fix herself and you to heal. And it takes years!

Both should read the books: NOT JUST FRIENDS by glass ...and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by MacDonald

Both should be tested for STDs.

See a lawyer for to see what would happen if you D. Also ask about getting child custody where the mother has mental problems.

You need to step back and give yourself time to stabilize your emotions/thoughts before you deciding to R or D. Put her on notice that you're taking 90 days to decide to R or D.

I am a former Marine officer...

Sir, I am a current active duty Naval officer, regular commission, NSW type. Go to my profile (click on the yellow smiley face at the top right of this comment), you'll find a link to my sordid story. You know what you need to do here. Ruck up and do it. You deserve far better than an unfaithful wife.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:36 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Former Marine here too. Sorry this has happened. Almost 1 year for me. But I never got closure. For me, I saw a billion red flags. Flags that made me go digging. In the digging I found things that didn't add up. To this day. I'm in Limbo. Just last week I made a statement to my wife that I never thought I would EVER. I told her, I needed assistance from her or I would leave. For the 1st time she listened. Now I'm trying to get out of the stage I'm in. I'm in a very negative and ugly face of dealing with this "unknown".

Her sin appears to have been talking to men on line. But there's also a possibility she may have had someone in the house. And there is still a possibility she was hiding crap until just 1 week ago.

I've been through the pick me dance stage and all the others. But I'm very concerned that the stage I'm in will be my last. However this plays out.

Like you I want revenge. Like you I see my wife in a different way. I can't even have sex with her at times and there are times I can't even finish.

I don't know what's worse. Knowing like you did or being in Limbo like I am.

Please know this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. I nearly saw combat 2x and I have never been more wounded and vulnerable and unstable than I am right now.

I pray you are spared what I'm going through.

For me, my kids keep me level.

I'm hoping that in a few more months we are back to "normal". But I very much doubt it. She refuses to acknowledge anything happened. And the only reason why she has recently made concessions is because I said I"M DONE and my blood pressure is through the roof.

I'm in top shape, fit, I still turn heads. But my spirit is broken. My ego is bruised. My manhood is tarnished and our marriage is rocky.

I've made concessions too. Changed some things. She's noticed. But I truly don't know where we will end. up.

Please stay positive, work on YOU. And try to find the answer to WHY she did this. Fix that! Then and only then will you be able to move on with or without her.

I'm still trying to figure out the why and IF as I have no concrete proof.

For me, the POS that "confessed" to me (there may have been 2 or 3 total men) that he was "talking" to her via Instagram will have his day in court. If not now - EVENTUALLY. Either he's lying or she's lying.

For my wife, if I don't see a long term change that is not sincerely, transparent and trusting then she will end up alone; as I can't continue the way I'm going.

I wish you all the best. Keep working hard and holla if you need anything.

Semper Fi

benomania;

There will be no answer coming to the question why at least for me I have asked myself this question a few thousand times and no response I could think of would stop the pain or provide me with a reason for her actions. Her not being truthful about what happened makes it even worse and I just had to dig into my own soul and conclude could I live with what I think had happened and for me, the answer was no.

Keep your head up brother!

You are experiencing the same paradigm shift all betrayed people face when the person they held in the highest esteem hurts them in the worst possible way.

I'm not going to advocate divorce, but you do need to hold your WW accountable. So far it sounds like you have not been doing so. Having post partum depression or mental illness of any kind is no excuse for her behavior. It is an extenuating circumstance, but not an excuse.

Does anyone else know about what she did? Have you exposed her affair to your families?

The reason you feel doubly jilted is because she gets to putt merrily along through life without any consequences whatsoever. She got to keep her marriage, her husband, her kids, and her security, while you get the pain, degradation and torment. There is a huge imbalance here, and that is why you feel the way you do.

Jgh1984, I am sorry your image of your wife will be changed forever. I too thought of my WS as a demigod until I see what he is capable of. Now I can never respect him the same way again. On one level, that feels like a loss. On another level, bringing him down to a human level allows me to love or at least relate in a more authentic way.

I am not minimizing what you are going through. I am just saying that putting a spouse on a pedestal is not healthy.