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I think the point has been made very well by all the posters above but I will reinforce this one key thing.

You are the protector of your children. I couldn't live with myself if I allowed myself to be persuaded and manipulated into sending my kids somewhere where I KNEW there was a threat, and they ended up being molested.

I would put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, after killing the molester and anyone else who enabled it.

BURN THAT F*CKING BRIDGE.

BIL is a possible pediophile, in rehab for alcoholism, lives on his parents land and is a pathological liar. STBX is a serial cheater and pathological liar. These traits have roots and more often than not they trace back to FOO (family of origin) issues.

Your in-laws have an awful track record with their own kids. They insist that secrets are kept even from you, have exposed your kids to the BIL despite your specific instructions and now are pushing a guilt trip on you to get you to spend hours on the road because they "deserve" time with their grandkids.

Your in-laws are toxic. They've messed up their own kids in a major way and they'll do the same to yours. While you can't control what your SBTX does when she has time with the kids, you sure do while they are with you. Burn the bridge.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 1:25 AM, October 18th (Thursday)]

Reading this

...my children are pretty close with him despite my making it clear years ago they are not to have any contact with him.

made my (very long) hair stand up. I was molested as a child by a priest and we were actually NEVER ALONE and nobody suspected anything and I was too scared and conflicted to tell anyone! Please, protect your children, you know what you have to do and you are strong enough.

You have two choices.

Let the in laws see the kids at your home. Always your home. Never ever at their home or anywhere else. And you are 100% present.

Or you decide they cannot see the children. Period. It’s not going to change no matter what they say or do.

Now they can sue you. They have “rights “. But you need to have your ducks in a row and documentation or proof as to BIL. And you need to be prepared to tell the in laws you will make this a public nasty fight if they decide to sue you.

But never ever back down no matter what about your duty and obligation to protect the children.

Thank you, everyone!

I knew what the right choice was, but I really have a hard time making anyone upset. I am learning through all of this to not just have boundaries but to protect them... its a process, though.

I have been talking to the XW of the BIL and we have been exchanging experiences and knowledge. My STBXWW learned her behavior from somewhere and its from within her family and it gets very disgusting the more we realize.

I am going to do as suggested and not only burn the bridge but be prepared for retaliation (Thank you, The1stWife).

This is how shame works, and how abusers are able to keep abusing. They manage to make YOU feel bad for keeping safe boundaries. Fuck them. Toss the shame (I’m working on this now, and it does get easier, trust me). Blood is not a reason to keep relationships, ever.

I’m completely nc with my in laws, my kids barely see them. Only wh has a relationship with them. It has been the most freeing thing in my marriage.

I was never protected by my parents. They never had my back. I will not allow my kids to carry the shame of wondering why they weren’t worth protecting.

Agree with all advice.

But The1stWife had the best solution - offer to have them to your home where they can interact with their grandchildren under you direct supervision. They will likely balk, but that's their decision to put their pride before their relationship with their grandkids.

If you can show that you did not alienate the grandparents but offered visitation under your supervision, then if they threaten a lawsuit you have grounds to protect yourself.

Documentation is crucial (just in case). Putting things in writing is one way to protect yourself and can show you were willing to allow the children to see their grandparents.

I hope whatever you decide it goes smoothly and without more chaos and drama.

And I would suggest the STBXW doesn’t get to take the children outside your home to prevent parental kidnapping or having her take the children to her parents. You need to be on guard for all possibilities unfortunately.

And you must be present for all visitation no matter what.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:19 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]