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My therapist recommended WH and I return to the scenes where he cheated, and “reclaim “ it as ours. To blur what he did there with his skank.

Have you done this? Did it help?

I have tried this with all of my location based triggers.

Sometimes I won the battle.

Sometimes I did not.

I actually visited and stayed in the hotel that my wife "kissed" her AP.

It was brutal.

I lost that battle... I still cannot stand to hear the name of the city that particular hotel is in.

But for the most part... I was able to remove several triggers this way.

I intend to try to tackle the last remaining triggers again in the future... but not now... Now... I'm working on just making myself happy. So tacking triggers is on hold.

where my wife met that punk turd is on the way to the California coast which we love to camp on. I will never go through there again! ever!! I couldn't do that

IMO, that sounds awful...just awful

It is not a contest. And if these weren't places I would ever go then WHY would I choose to go there to redeem him of his "sins"?

That is just me but no, I don't need to visit your scum bag places to feel validated nor should you ask me to.

I am supposed to blurr (wash you) of your sins. Not my job.

I recommend a new therapist.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:12 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]

Hi,

This is so on point for me at the moment as we are about to have a family holiday on an island resort where H took his Hooker ( her occupation ) for their “Honeymoon”. 4 years ago.

In that intervening 4 years, I have been to places “they” have been to reclaim but also to get H to tell me “ their” story. For the duration of the A, I was kept outside the walls while she had a window into my world. I needed no secrets between them to exist anymore. H needed to see what a shallow selfish pathetic thing it was. It being the fake world he built for himself in a lazy cowardly attempt to make himself feel better about his life at that point.

H took her to the island resort which had been where we spent many family holidays, not because it meant she was special but because it was familiar, therefore much less hassle and little effort needed on his part. It was like his entire fake world in microcosm, in his mind. He got to play hero in the most easy convienient way possible. That he shit on all our memories was there as a niggling doubt at best, in that dark sordid place he escaped reality, we would never find out, no one would be hurt and he could escape and be the hero in his disturbed mind.

The many places we visited together helped me regain my power back as I saw how fake the world he built was as well as how little it was about me. Everything was about him not even “them”, they had their own individual agendas, they weren’t making memories together, they were trying to forget their real lives together.

H feels tremendous shame every time a place is ticked off the list because it is having a light shine on a corrupt seething mess that he took to be the fountain of youth and drank from. But it helped him “clear his mind” to contrast fantasy and reality and helped him tell the difference. It also helped him value what was real.

This is our experience. Yours might differ. It would be most helpful that before you visit the places for you guys to go to your therapist and set out what you want to achieve by visiting. Clear goals, questions to be answered and a debriefing afterward. Then this exercise would be a bonding experience for you and not the breaking points of your healing journey. Fear anger and pain lessen as each place you visit becomes a positive experience. However, if you go unprepared, it could cause tremendous damage to an already fragile relationship.

Peace and strength and healing.

Can someone please explain how that would "blur" a trigger or memory?

In my mind, if I did that it would make it come into sharper focus??

Confused...

I can't "reclaim" places that were never mine/ours to begin with! Most of the places my wife met up with her ex-girlfriend were their places when they were together, long before we met, and I have no desire to try to over-mark them as "my" territory. She ruined a few nice seafood restaurants for us, and she knows it. We are finding new ones instead of me trying to erase them as triggers.

I personally question a therapist who would recommend such trauma as healing. You should only do this if you feel it is something you can do with a positive result. Besides, I am more interested in how and why my wife preferred the company of her toxic ex-girlfriend to me over dinner and drinks, as opposed to where they sat in what bar!

I am supposed to blurr (wash you) of your sins. Not my job.

I assumed that 20yrsagoBS meant to stop that place from being a trigger.... not to clear the conscience of the wayward... Screw that! I assume that those places hold a special place in the heart of my wife and will forever... this isn't about her... it's about me being able to tie up my skates and play hockey at a rink that was a trigger for me. This is about being able to drive past that corner parking lot where she used to park her car and talk to him all the time. (I have no idea why parking lot that was a trigger...but it was... I mean seriously, why a parking lot where I KNOW they only talked on the phone, but not my own home, where they spoke on the phone? The brain is a screwed up place... at least mine is..) The point is... I sat in that parking lot an imagined them talking... and now... when I drive past there....It usually blips through my brain and is gone lickity split. As for the ice rink... that one is gone too. I can walk in there, get my skates sharpened, and enjoy myself...without getting grumpy and pissed off.

Reclaiming those places was for ME not her.

Can someone please explain how that would "blur" a trigger or memory?

KayGem, I don't know why it works, but for me...it did in several locations... In the two examples above...

The parking lot: I drove to the parking lot and sat there and I imagined my wife, sitting in her car for 40 minutes talking and laughing in her car... and then it dawned on me how pathetic it really was... I mean...seriously... for those same 40 mins, I was at home.. talking to our kids, learning about their day... Why she gave that up I will never know... And NOW... when I drive past that corner.... it's just a blip on the radar... It used to really "grumpify" me... which really sucks because that corner happens to be on my way in to work...every day...

The skating rink, my son played frequently at that rink, and watching his games... would just be ruined... I didn't enjoy the games any more because her crap was in my head. I hated that... she robbed me of several games. So I decided to do the same as the parking lot. I went there for an open skate. Tied on my skates, and exhausted myself going around in circles. (no hockey that particular day) The same thing happened. I realized that it was just a place.... just a sheet of ice. The teenagers skating around in circles fell into 4 categories.... the girls that didn't know how to skate, screaming and laughing, having fun...walking around the boards, pretending to try... the boys that didn't know how to skate...pretending to be too cool to use the boards... the girls that knew how to figure skate just stuck out, with their graceful stride, and the boys that played hockey and also knew how to skate... with their powerful quick strides, darting in and out of traffic, trying to draw the attention of the girls... and I realized ... there too... my wife and her boyfriend were posing...just like those kids were all doing...

So I think it has something to do with:

1) facing down the thing that was effecting me

2) seeing what was really going on

3) making a memory to "override" the old imagined image.

All I know... is by forcing myself to face those things that triggered me... I reclaimed several places... I was not 100% successful... but I tried...

Edited to clarify a sentence.

[This message edited by BrainFreeze at 9:59 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

I assume that those places hold a special place in the heart of my wife and will forever...

Brainfreeze,

I can't speak for your wife obviously, but I can tell you that nothing, nothing about anything in the A holds a special place in my heart. I look at that whole time with a completely different lens. When you see what you did as completely wrong and desperate, and when you see the pain you caused people you love, and you think about the lies and the manipulation...there is nothing special to hold onto there. I am just pointing this out as I do think it would be a good thing to discuss with your wife. She may not be able to prove to you how she feels about any of it, but something tell me you will get a feel of it by bringing it up.

@HikingOut - It has been a while, but in the past I have discussed triggers with my wife. Not all of them, but the ice skating rink, in particular, I know I brought up.

She told me (and I quote) "Everything is tainted... nothing is special about my(her) time with shit head" Oh wait... that last part was a type-o.. I meant to put AP's name there not shit head... stupid key board. I thought auto correct would fix it. (Big Shit Eating Grin Here)

So basically she has said something similar to what you have said. But that makes no sense to me. I cannot wrap my head around that concept. Similar to Einstein's theory of relativity... I cannot begin to comprehend it.

In my head, I'm guessing she looks at it like I would look at an old girlfriend. None of them worked out, but there were a couple that I honestly hope are doing well and living a happy life. When I think back on those old girlfriends, I smile because we had good times together.

Similarly, I assume that there are jokes, nick names, etc etc in my wife's relationship with her AP that are funny, sexy, special.... Memories of words spoken, that remind her that her needs were being satisfied by the AP. I know that our relationship was weak, even prior to her ever meeting her AP. I was just too blind to see it. Too wrapped up in work, money, and kids to see that my wife needed something more. Please do not read that as an excuse for having an affair... it is not... there is no excuse for that... but it WAS a vulnerability in our marriage that her AP was meeting for her. Based on the amount of effort she put into the A... it had to be special... at a minimum... it was special at the time.

I accept that there are things about my wife's affair that I will never know, and will never comprehend.

Similarly, I do not expect that she will ever fully understand the true depth of my pain post D-day, nor my ability to miss all those flags prior to D-day. Hell, I don't understand how I missed them all...

So, if she thinks of her time with AP as special or not... I cannot erase that time from her mind, nor mine.

The important thing is that we are starting over. Dating and becoming closer than we have ever been.

OK... so now I'm just rambling and totally thread jacking 20yrsagoBS's question - Sorry !!!

So... getting back to tackling triggers.....

If you are prepared... I would suggest trying to beat a trigger. Jump on it... Pick it up and do you best WWF move on that trigger.

<BrainFreeze jumps off the top ropes!!!! Ahhhhhhhh>

If you are not successful... focus on how brave you were to face the trigger in the first place.

That takes GUTS!!!

Edited to add: I will bring it up with my wife again... it's been several months (6-8) since we spoke about it last... things change over time... maybe my perspective will change... (again...sorry for the ramble)

[This message edited by BrainFreeze at 12:08 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

In my head, I'm guessing she looks at it like I would look at an old girlfriend. None of them worked out, but there were a couple that I honestly hope are doing well and living a happy life. When I think back on those old girlfriends, I smile because we had good times together.

Yes, it's nothing like that. When we dated people as single people, we were not destroying another person (people) to do it. We were probably our best selves for who we were in that time frame. That person cared for us too.

You just simply can't plug an AP into that scenario. They didn't care for us, they used us. Vice Versa. And that all equated into destroying the one person that you built your life with, had your children with, who had been there when you were sick, tired, cranky, when your parent died, etc...

No, it's just not at all the same.

I made WH take me to every place they had sex. My intention was to have sex with him at each but I couldn't bring myself to actually want to lower myself to that level so I made him take me to each and tell me what he could remember at each.

I needed for me to be the last person he was there with and for any memory of those specific places to be his shame in what he did there.

I made WH take me to every place they had sex. My intention was to have sex with him at each but I couldn't bring myself to actually want to lower myself to that level so I made him take me to each and tell me what he could remember at each.

I needed for me to be the last person he was there with and for any memory of those specific places to be his shame in what he did there.

I made WH take me to every place they had sex. My intention was to have sex with him at each but I couldn't bring myself to actually want to lower myself to that level so I made him take me to each and tell me what he could remember at each.

I needed for me to be the last person he was there with and for any memory of those specific places to be his shame in what he did there.

Deep hurt

This is exactly what I think we’re auto do.

My intention was to have sex with him at each but I couldn't bring myself to actually want to lower myself to that level so I made him take me to each and tell me what he could remember at each.

And that (IMHO) is exactly how it worked for me... seeing the place made the reality of what happened there so pathetic that it no longer bothered me.

Except for those places that it didn't work :-)

This doesn't work for me...I cant trick or kid myself into not hurting...its now off limits...

Im talking about going there and facing it...demanding it...

It did eventually improve over lots of time....They went to A chain restaurant...among hundreds of things...I don't have many details...I didn't visit this restaurant for years...I pass it daily...now it means nothing...I have gone in, and eaten there with no problem...we are Ding...much of the infidelity triggers left me, when the marriage was over. HE added new ones constantly...

Me facing it when it was an extreme trigger, only made me have a worse day....it takes time.

Learning who OW was...what she was like, her terrible life...her terrible personality...outlook...she was far from perfect....really seeing that...really believing that... helped me a lot...she was not better then me...she was a train wreck....and the same for WH...his issues...his lack of morals...his cowardness….IT was not me..This was my biggest area of healing.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:30 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

Fair call CancunCrushed... So then...maybe try this...

Think of a minor trigger... try to tackle that one... if it works... move to another, and so on...

If it does not work, then that's OKAY too... You tried... Go get some ice cream...

Unless you are lactose intolerant...In that case ... How about a pedicure?