SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:18 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

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[This message edited by CincyKid at 6:37 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

Wow man!

Im so sorry and send a prayer to you. What you do with your wife is one thing,it's your choice....your friend needs a broken nose and a front tooth knocked out!! what a piece of shit. R is hard and I wish you luck. the pain? I still suffer everyday and I hope for all of us it gets better. wow that guy is a piece of shit using your confidence to get laid.

Fuck him you should be done with him hes no buddy. if he was truly your friend he'd take the ass kicking hes got coming. give it to him and wash your hands of him. I know violence is the sign of a weak mind, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't condone violence but in infidelity all bets are off. that being said, youre a better person than me and wont do that im sure. But a friend would take the beating he deserves, in fact a friend wouldn't do that in the first place. he doesn't deserve your love as a friend. I wish you luck. sorry for the rant. I feel for you

Im sorry to project like that

All I have time for right now is this:

You want to save your marriage? You both need to be permanent FOREVER no contact with your asshole friend.

If you think you're in false R, it's bc you're allowing him to stay in both your lives.

If she breaks NC again, have her served. I suspect once that happens, you'll finally see your WW come around.

Do what GoldenR just said. Do it today!

If your son was in this situation 15 years from now, what advice would you give him? Years of a loveless and sexless marriage, a roommate situation. His wife cheating with his best friend. Would you advise your son to reconcile with both of them? You have nothing worth saving here. You can use this affair to your advantage in a divorce. You don't realize that this could be a good thing for you. Use it to your advantage and talk to an attorney. When a wayward spouse is thick in the affair fog, they will do whatever you ask to not expose their dirty secrets to the world.

You and your wife are too scared to pull the plug on a sham of a marriage. Divorce can be a wonderful thing. It's a second chance on life. This could be her exit affair or is waiting for the kids to turn 18. What I'm saying is don't rush to reconciliation.

I hope you find a therapist today. They can help you navigate through this. I also highly suggest you go to your doctor today and get on anti-depressants. This will help your thoughts and decision making. You also need to find a true friend that you can tell this to and get their compassion and advice.

I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 8:26 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

GuyinColorado, you have a PM.

GM I swear I could've written most of your post about my own situation. The woman my wife cheated on me with has been my "friend" for 19 years. So I totally understand what you're feeling right now. I talked to my friend about things that I was having issues with, mainly my wife's drinking. And it all got used against me. It would've even been worse for me if I thought of her as my best friend so my heart goes out to you. It's still very painful to feel so betrayed. I have such a hard time understanding how it happened at all. My wife used to agree that this woman was annoying and that she was weird. But here we are where she continually chooses her over me. Your friend obviously has no morals if they are willing to go after your spouse during a rough period. I don't see how that could be attractive to our spouses. It's disgusting.

Thank you all for your support and replies. I want to clarify a few things.

I did immediately get tested for STD's. That was an awakening to the reality of the situation.

I have thoroughly consulted with an attorney, and know all of my legal rights, including suing for damages pursuant to the affair. I am in a no fault state, short of damages, the A does not influence the D situation in my favor. I come out ahead in a D situation no matter what happens, and she also knows this, she had consulted with her attorney long before even the separation, I found out much later. This may be the biggest factor in her decision for R.

I have a great IC, and that has been indispensible.

As for my friend, and our R, here is where it gets complicated. Initially I had put a NC ultimatum on him with both myself and WS, and I would have sent recordings to both his ex's, his mother, his daughter, everyone in his life deserves to know what kind of person he is. I also have much more extreme ways of punishing him, and I feel no need for physical recourse, physical pain is a trivial thing compared to what I have experienced.

After several weeks, I reached out to him because there were some details I had not been able to get from WS. He exhibits all of the emotional contrition that my WS lacks. Our R is strained to no end, and it is very one sided (on his part). He reaches out to me now every time my WS contacts him, with full details - I can corroborate the validity of this, because I also have ways of knowing from my WS side, and they do not know that I have this knowledge. So that appears to be authentic. But they are both capable of such incredible depths of deception, I second guess everything.

He knows how bad he fucked up, and is devestated. It is unforgivable, but our inroads have made the illictness and practicality of the A impossible for her. That certainly could have been a factor for me in the first place.

To her credit, most of the times she has reached out to him have been for my benefit, regarding concern she has for me, but they also are likely lightly veiled pings for more. He has shut her down completely at this point, and they have finally blocked all their phone numbers and social media now to preserve the NC requests. I will not tolerate that any more.

I have operated under a bubble of ignorance for a long time, but no more. I can be a formidably vindictive human, and am quite capable of ruining both BF and WS lives, emotionally, financially, and more. I am choosing the R for both of these situations, not out of weakness or desperation, but deep pity and empathy for both WS and BF, and a desire to preserve our children's chance at the best life they deserve.

All that posturing and preparedness aside, I still can't change the emotional reality of this situation. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again. The rollercoaster is vicious. Every time I feel like I am doing the right thing, I get punished for my vulnerability. Madness.

She's not remorseful. You can't attempt reconciliation with an unremorseful WS.

Was SHE tested for STDs?

What are your requirements for reconciliation?

They should be,at the very least...

NC.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts..phone, Facebook,email,etc.

She answers all of your questions with complete honesty.

STD testing

IC

And anything else you need to heal.

Gminor.... “My love for my children is greater than my hate for them”.

I said it over and over.

The OW’s first H murdered her boyfriend and killed himself in 1997. Left an infant daughter to be raised by his slut wife!!!! forward 15 years. She moves to my state, with her daughter and next victim, oops husband, their young son, and starts the whole thing again!!! We all meet at a kids event, become friends, she’s talking to me, but screwing my H. I felt a gear go loose in my head when I found out about that and her past.

Knowing her daughter is growing up without her Daddy because of her actions, and she does it again!

I decided in that moment that I am not leaving my kids to be raised by my xh and OW. It is my joy, my reward in life to see them grow up, get married, etc. My kids need me to help them grow up.

I had to check into a 2 week outpatient program at a treatment center. It helped ALOT. And counseling for 2 years.

I filed for D, because I needed to have that power. IF he wanted to stay a family, then he would have shown me how badly even though I was divorcing him.

My xh and OW got married, she is a serial cheater, she’s cheating on him, my kids say they fight all the time. Glad I was still around to hear that!

I gave my kids a very peaceful, supportive home (you can, too)

And they both are now in college.

You can get thru this.

I come out ahead in a D situation no matter what happens, and she also knows this, she had consulted with her attorney long before even the separation, I found out much later. This may be the biggest factor in her decision for R.

If this is true you need to D and don't look back, if her decision to R is a financial one then you DON'T HAVE A M, IT'S A SHAM.

As for my friend, and our R, here is where it gets complicated. Initially I had put a NC ultimatum on him with both myself and WS, and I would have sent recordings to both his ex's, his mother, his daughter, everyone in his life deserves to know what kind of person he is. I also have much more extreme ways of punishing him, and I feel no need for physical recourse, physical pain is a trivial thing compared to what I have experienced.

It should NOT be "complicated at all, He's NOT your "friend", he committed the worst betrayal to a "friend", he HAD sex with your WW multiple times, it SHOULD NOT BE COMPLICATED, you just GET RID of HIM FOREVER, he did this, it's a consequence of his huge betrayal, plus you SHOULD NOT TRUST HIM, why even risk it, just go NC FOREVER with HIM and EXPOSE his/their betrayal with ALL family and close friends.

One of the rules here in SI and other forums is that if APs remain in contact and close proximity the A is most likely to go deep underground or it will resume at some point (sometimes years later), plus what an awkward situation if you R with both, what are some of the stories you will talk about in the future ? let me guess, "well buddy I remember that football game well bc I had just finished f*cking your WW", or him to her, "oh yeah WW I remember that particular day because you gave me a fantastic BJ in the car".

I repeat you need to go NC FOREVER with OM, your WW needs to go NC FOREVER with OM if you want to have a chance to R successfully PERIOD, however your WW is not even a candidate for R at this point, not by a LONG SHOT, she's still breaking NC, she didn't confess, she got caught, if I was you I would go nuclear, file for D and have her served without warning and EXPOSE the A to the world, if by any chance she shows true remorse, goes NC FOREVER with OM, agrees to a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor and she does the heavy lifting to restore the M, then and only then should you CONSIDER R and stop the D process (OR NOT).

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:11 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

Sorry to hear about your situation gminor.

You want so badly for things to go back to what they were but they never will. You can't use the kids as part of your excuse for trying to R. You will start to feel chained down if you do and they will suffer more from your being checked-out because of it.

Your relationship with the two cheaters will never return. They effectively and purposefully destroyed it. There is no relationship without trust; you should know this.

My suggestion is that you D both of the cheaters. You need to become your own man again. You've been leaning on both of them so long you've forgotten who you are. You allowed yourself to live in a toxic environment too long. It's time to take this opportunity (and it is an opportunity) to break free from the drama and pain that's been exerted upon you for so long. Free yourself from this madness, find yourself again, and commit to living the rest of your life free from lies and deception. You're better than the life you're trying to reconstruct with your cheating wife and your liar 'friend'. Take a stand for what's best for you. Get out of infidelity and away from those who brought it, and take your life back.

Reconciling from infidelity can be compared to running a marathon for the first time.

Your present physical state (the strength of your marriage) will determine a lot on how hard it will be and if it can be done. The stuff you have to help you like good shoes, the correct clothing, water-bottles and running aids; that’s IC and MC and your support group. But even in excellent condition and with the best equipment and support… running a marathon is HARD and not everyone can do it in an acceptable time.

When you avoid our advice at total NC with the OM – your “friend” – that’s like you choosing to refuse our offer of loaning you good running-shoes and choosing instead to run in your boots.

Having OM ever-present during your run… That’s like deciding that dragging a piano and wearing a suit of armor won’t lower your chances of completing the run.

I see a lot of self-blame in your post. I also see a lot of blame allocated to the OM.

I’m not telling you this to make reconciliation harder. It’s hard enough already. But it can ONLY be done from a base built on truth. Your wife is totally accountable for HER decision to have the affair. Nothing you or the OM did made her make that decision.

That guy is dangerous. Don't fool yourself that you or your wife is somehow benefiting from your contact with him. He's a manipulator. You're not in control and he does NOT have good intentions for anyone unless it benefits himself. You thought you had a handle on him and the situation before and you were very wrong. You're putting yourself in the exact same situation. You sound like such a kind reasonable man, and you need save all your trust and emotion for yourself and people that have earned it. These people are using you.

P.S. Not that you should be responsible for protecting your wife or even can protect her, but he's showing he's dangerous to her. Just look how he's taken advantage of both of you and how he's now abandoned her to switch back to supposedly being your faithful friend. It's sick and I'd be scared of someone capable of all that. He's not magically reformed by any of this. This isn't his first rodeo. You're projecting your sense of shame onto him. He has none or none of this would've happened in the first place. If he was decent, he'd leave the both of you alone forever. I hate that I'm saying this, but I actually feel bad for your wife, too. That's how scary this guy sounds to me.

[This message edited by megleigh at 10:47 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

After your last post I'd say he might be a candidate for R but she definitely isn't.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 10:47 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

GM... I'm sorry that you find yourself here.

I, too, had a "friend" who slept with my ex while he & I were still together.

She hid that from me for 20 years. At the time she finally told me, we had been friends for over 30 years and he had been my ex for nearly 20 years.

Guess what? She is dead to me. That's not a friend.

He has remorse? After months of using what you shared with him to sleep with your wife?

I don't think so. He is not, nor has he ever been your friend. He's an opportunist.

Your “friend” and your wife manipulated you during the affair. I’m sure they coordinated what he told you to advance the affair. Things like this:

Wife and I were taking turns on the weekends with the kids. She would stay in a hotel when I was home.

GMinor23

Can you think of a better setup than the above for them to have carefree sex?

He reaches out to me now every time my WS contacts him, with full details

To her credit, most of the times she has reached out to him have been for my benefit, regarding concern she has for me, but they also are likely lightly veiled pings for more.

He has shut her down completely at this point, and they have finally blocked all their phone numbers and social media now to preserve the NC requests.

GMinor23

How do you know that they NOT are still working on you as a team? To be honest it would be pretty stupid of them not to.

He has shut her down completely at this point, and they have finally blocked all their phone numbers and social media now to preserve the NC requests.

GMinor23

How do you know this? Because they told you? Two people can always find a way to communicate. They can give you 100 passwords and all that means is there are 100 ways they will never use.

All they need is a prepaid “burner” phone paid for with cash.