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Over the past month details of my wife’s affair have trickled out. She started off by telling me she didn’t know if she wanted to stay married ‘cause it was boring. So we agreed to take action to work on it. Then it came out that she had an affair but it wasn’t physical. Then the affair was physical but she had ended it. Then she hadn’t ended it. Then she wanted to end it. All this time I was letting her know that I love her and would work with her to reconcile if she put the affair behind her. Then finally “I haven’t loved you since not long after we were married, I can’t stand to look at you and I’m going back to him, we are over”.

My decision? Appoint a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

I can’t reconcile with someone who doesn’t want it.

You are correct.

You also cannot really reconcile with a person who doesn't respect and empathize with you. From what you wrote above, she does neither.

You are right. Despite the emotions one should have the self respect not to pursue those who do not want to be with you. Looks like she test drive the OM while keeping you in the dark, and now try to cover her selfishness and deceit. If she had not loved you for so long the decent thing was to let you know. Now that they are entering in to full time relationship from meeting secretly while all dolled up, they will find real each other. Hope you do not show her any care/affection becuase cheaters need that from their BSs to fully enjoy cheating

There's really nothing there for you anymore.

You have made the correct decision.

Without knowing it, you were doing the 'pick me' dance. That never works. ATM your WW is no candidate for any sort of R, she is off in the land of unicorns and rainbows.

Filing for D and implementing the hard 180 is the correct decision; ironically it is the likeliest method of bringing WW out of the fog.

Stay Strong.

"I can’t reconcile with someone who doesn’t want it."

Correct; and never forget it. And the "pick-me" dance just pushes the cheater farther away. You are the prize and if she doesn't see it then she's not worth your efforts. Now it's time for you to get out of infidelity and take your life back. Be firm in your conviction.

After doing the "Pick Me Dance" which never works, you finally did the right thing, go through with the D and don't look back, you deserve someone who loves you only and not having to engage on a competition for your wife's love and attention, good riddance.

Your title is inaccurate. There's no tough decision here. She's a horrible human being.

Agree with Cincy Kid (above). Nothing tough about your decision.

She played you. So sorry. Do you two have children together.

As stated by CincyKid it's an easy decision and you made it correctly. Great job, you will suffer much less than many because of it. It also sounds like you couldn't change your mind even if you wanted to because of her mindset, so that is a good reinforcement for you as well.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 1:29 PM, October 27th (Saturday)]

When your wife said those things to you she stopped deserving you. That was utter cruelty. Go find someone who knows how to love and knows have to be a decent human being. Good luck

Mr James

Your paragraph harkens back to one of my first divorce cases. This was 30 years ago, and I was the assistant to the partner in charge (accountants and asset management specialists). The details of the affair kept getting worse. She was headstong and my boss gave me one of my first insights. He said, she knows that she is in the wrong, but she has been raised a princess, and cannot wrap her head around the fact that she did dirt to her husband, and therefore she is coming up with reasons to be as nasty as possible to him. He then said, now watch as we make her regret doing that to him.

Our client signed off on the proposals, and we went to work. Our client's lawyer sent the wife's attorney the most draconian divorce I had ever seen to that point. He managed to attach every item inclusive of investments, the family home, vehicles and jewellery. We demanded the engagement ring back, or a cash equivalent. Within an hour of being served, she called and the begging began. We knew we had her, and she was desperate for another chance. We then asked the client what he wanted. He stated. "World domination". We took it to mean, keep it up. The lawyer then advised him to stop being silent, so we reamed out both her and the AP's worlds. They were exposed at work, since the AP owned the company, we sent the exposure package to his wife. She went to the office, walked into the WW's office, spat in her face, and told her to get out. WW did not realize that this was OBS, until security showed up. The AP was handed his divorce and told to remove himself from the premises. He really lost it on WW, blamed her for this, to which she replied that she did not expect her XBH to react this way. The OBS said that the company belongs to her, so does the house, and the cars. He was told to leave his car in the parking lot, and call a cab. As he left, he called WW every name in the book. People in her office were aghast. She never returned to face them again. Her Mom and Dad refused to allow her to live with them, until it was made apparent that if she did not crash there, it was a homeless shelter next. (We cleaned her clock, no job, no money.) The partner in charge said that he suspected our client wanted her back, but he was going to break her first, as payback. It did not take very long. She had nobody and nothing. The OBS was threatening the hell out of her. She had nothing left. Our client visited her on the psych ward, and told her he was willing to take her back, on his terms. It took her five very long years to earn her way back. I left the firm long ago, so I do not know if they stayed together or not. I do know that if she left, she got little to nothing.

My H did the same thing. He had an AP and he was D me to be with her.

DDay1 then ten days later he no longer wanted to be married and wanted a D.

He gave me all the awful reasons he wanted out. I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I heard how I was a bad wife and Why he was so unhappy being married. Rinse lather repeat.

At DDay2 he again wanted a D. So I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him. I could no longer live with his infidelity. And we were done and he had to leave.

Huge turning point in our M. He admitted he made a colossal mistake. He was remorseful.

The point is st DDay 2 I thought I had nothing left to work with and we were done. Marriage over. But he was remorseful and he wanted to be married. He has made amends for the last 5 years and we are very happy.

It can happen. It can turn around if both parties are committed to the M. And willing to do the work.

“I haven’t loved you since not long after we were married, I can’t stand to look at you and I’m going back to him, we are over”.

She is telling you that and also telling herself that justify the cheating. I sort of wonder if her OM knows this, now that she's free of your M she is no longer his sidepiece and now his full responsibility. More work, less nookie.