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Gravycake, dear lady. I owe you an apology. I'm going to try to do this without breaking the rules of this site, so bear with me.

I've read your recent post. While I don't think what your husband is doing in the month since dday is abuse, you have been abused for decades. Your bedhavior hasnt exactly been all that great either. Perhaps abusive at times. But I also think you were reacting more to the abuse you were going through,than actually being abusive towards him.

You have been lied to, gaslighted, and emotionally abused for decades.

I wish you would put your full story on here, on this post,or in this forum. It helps so much when we comment on a thread. By the little bit you put here, I think it's easy to see why some of us posted what we did. Why *I* posted what I did.

But..yes. You have been abused. Very much so. I do not think his response to your affair, in the last month, is abusive. I think it's very much the normal response from a BH. But the decades before that? Clearly abusive.

And, now that you've shared more of your story, I needed to apologize. I considered sending you a PM. But, because I was so vocal on this thread, I wanted to publicly apologize to you. I am so truly sorry for what you've had to endure.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:11 PM, November 3rd (Saturday)]

Gravycake, I see from your other posts that you have had quite a complex and traumatic M.

Because of that, I feel that the answer to your original question is less important than what it is you want from your M, or if indeed you want to remain in the M.

The decision on whether the behaviour of your BS is appropriate to the situation or not is perhaps secondary right now - what you need to sort out in your own mind is what you want and whether it is achievable.

Obviously an A, regardless of the situation, is never the right way of dealing with problems. However, if you feel that you are not or cannot be happy in the relationship, then you have every right to act upon that in an honest and transparent way.

I suspect that you wanted (and deserved) very different behaviour from your H during your M, and unfortunately the fact that you had an A now complicates any resolution of his behaviour - because you can't entwine your A actions with what you want from him. They have to be dealt with as separate issues.

I'm not sure I have any solutions for you, but I would advise stepping back and thinking very carefully about what you want and whether there is a realistic chance of that being achieved and then deciding whether you are better together or apart.