SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, the scales in your mind just wants it 'balanced'. The problem with that, is that it will never be 'balanced', no matter what, unless you have access to a time machine.

You probably feel lopsided in that she got to have her fun and variety, whilst you were blissfully unaware and 100% faithful because you thought she was also.

Now, you just want to hurt her the same way she hurt you all those years ago. Even though there is no statute of limitations on things like this, it will irrevocably damage your M even more.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The baseline is that it will all depend on what you want for the future. You will have to decide what you can accept. The damage that your wife did by keeping that secret for so long, and lying to you all those years, will be hard to get over, but it is possible, but will take time, and a lot of effort from your wife and yourself.

D or R, both routes will have their pitfalls. If you are willing to take the time to attempt R, both you and your wife will need to hunker down, and really work on it. The onus will be on her working more, as she is the one that screwed with your mind for so long. You will have to be able to let go of the anger (not immediately, but over time) for R to work. Let go of the hurt, you will not forget, but don't dwell on the pain. The pain will turn toxic if held on for too long.

D will be easier. Lawyer up, then NC. This will also take time for you to heal mentally and emotionally, as you will still feel that your wife did not hurt enough.

Whatever the case for your own mental and physical health, let go of the hurt. Nobody will expect you to let go of the hurt immediately, but you will need to let it go, or it will eat you inside out.

A very well thought out addition to the thread, marriageredux.

Maybe I'm projecting, CBM, but I don't see how paying someone to have sex with me would make me feel like I equalized things between me and my WW after she went to her POS willingly and eagerly at no cost to him for years. I suspect that might make things worse for me.

I'm not thinking about your WW or your marriage. I'm thinking of you, CBM. How will this affect you in the future? Perhaps it will make you feel better. Perhaps it will make you feel much worse. If it makes you feel worse you can't go back and get a do over. It will always be there.

I think many think about RAs. I did. For a little while. Others on SI had RAs and regretted it. There's examples here that very much indicate the result wasn't as good (negative, in fact) as it was anticipated to be.

There's something in your character that stopped you from committing adultery while married. Even though it's much easier for a woman to easily get sex if she wants it as pointed out by marriageredux and many others I did have opportunities and chose not to. I suspect you did to, CBM. There's a reason why you didn't. IMO, taking action on this urge will not sit well for you in the future.

I understand how we all have had such similar experiences and yet we all do not have the same positions on views of all related things.

I am one that is comfortable with the notion that the cheater, in breaking the vow, makes the M vow null and void. I get why some BS's might still decide that the vow exists for them and the M, but I have no problem with any BS calling the deal dead and done, and then decide as they contemplate R how or if that vow can be renewed.

In this perspective, I have no issue with CBM deciding to have sex with someone else, at least relative to marriage vows. However, I will say that I think if he does have sex with someone else, upon immediately completing the act, he will have an epiphany that his anger, pain, bitterness, rage, angst had much less to do with sex parity than it did with the simple element of betrayals and what comes with that.

Having sex with someone else may make her feel upset or hurt, but it would never be anything remotely close to his hurt (which is in part why he would want to do it) as his hurt is significantly about betrayal fallout and his sex with someone else would have very little element of betrayal pain inflicted.

I think revenge sex is not an answer, not because of any promise broken or vows, but because it would not recreate for his WW what it is she creataed for him.....which would just leave one more thing to be angry and hurt about.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:14 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

It wasn’t sex with another man that is the problem, it’s her having such a relationship with another man that she not only wanted to give him the best gift that she could but also risk her relationship with you to give it.

Just being blunt. Having sex with someone else will do nothing on the big scale. You’d have to go out, create a new relationship in secret, have the luxury of choosing between the two and only then would it be even. You can’t do that though, because she’d be the reason you did that. The reason she did what she wanted to back then was her and him, not you.

Sadly, ‘revenge’ or ‘evening the scales’ is impossible

Don't try to guilt me with my kids. This has nothing to do with them

^^^Straight out of the Cheater's Handbook, probably somewhere in Chapter 1.

If you cheat, it is going to destroy your wife despite what has happened in the past.

I don't know how old your children are, but I do know when I discovered my WH affair, my children "lost" their mother as they knew her.....for a very long time due to the despair. Is that what you want for your kids? They knew something was off bc I barely functioned, and when I did it was with no enthusiasm, I faked it as best as I could, but kids are very sensitive to changes in the family dynamic.

The fallout of an affair affects everyone in the family. Everyone. So, YES, your actions will end up hurting them as well.

Cheating will not change the past, but it can certainly do irreparable damage to your already rocky marriage AND your children's future. Don't be a selfish a$$ like all these cheaters are and think about the lifechanging consequences it could have on your entire family just to "even the score."

Having sex with someone else may make her feel upset or hurt, but it would never be anything remotely close to his hurt

^^^I wholeheartedly disagree with this, the pain of betrayal is the pain of betrayal, it cannot be measured or defined.

[This message edited by annb at 8:16 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

@annb, I guess we're pretending his wife hasn't cheated already. That the situation isn't already at the point where it's affecting the children, just that instead of her it's him who's devastated and hurt?

Nice going calling him a selfish ass and more. That's exactly what a WS needs. Why don't you head over to his wife's thread and tell her how brave she is like so many others here who are ripping into OP for finally coming clean after all this time.

What damage could be done to the marriage and children has already been done by his wife. Her "feelings and well being" in terms of infidelity are of no concern. He's also not considering cheating on her, he's thinking about asking for a pass to do so. Which is a huge difference.

@Maurader, the point is another wrong will not fix this mess.

I have been on this Board for ten years, and I have read time and again the added devastation a RA or whatever you want to call it brings to an already broken marriage.

I'm not pretending his wife hasn't cheated.

Cheating is selfish act. Period. There's no sugarcoating it. Putting yourself first above all else. That's what his wife did, and that's exactly what he seems to want to do. If you want to have sex with someone other than your spouse, divorce first.

A pass to cheat? Cheating is cheating is cheating. Sorry, there's no other way to describe it. It's his way of justifying it by saying he was given a pass. It's just going to add fuel to the already burning fire.

[This message edited by annb at 8:19 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

I wholeheartedly disagree with this, the pain of betrayal is the pain of betrayal, it cannot be measured or defined.

If it is his contention, and I think it is , that her lies voided the vows then his sex with another woman, with her knowledge, and with he position that the vow no longer exists, would not be a betrayal.

A betrayal is an action that conflicts with reasonably expected loyalties. Agree or not, if he takes the position that her lies and manipulation of outcomes voids the vow, and his WW understands that he is living under that position, then his actions would not be a betrayal.

I understand the cheating is cheating position. Cheating is another term for breaking a promise and hiding it. This is not what he would be doing, based on his description. I agree though that it would likely not produce a positive outcome.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:28 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Hey CBM. Your quote below strikes close to home with me; I'm still there today. In truth though and given my situation I can't honestly say that it's a bad thing.

"...her affair confession has made...me a worse person. That may be the most unfair truth of it all. ...Knowledge of her affair has shattered a lot of my good qualities - my trust, my compassion, my desire to be "good", are all significantly diminished. It sucks to feel that way."

I also relate better with the devil on your shoulder than with the angel. I felt the same way as the devil does but I waited until I was legally divorced. I wanted to be able to say that I was faithful in spite of her choices.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 8:55 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

CBM:

First off, I would like to tell you this is a terrible idea.

Second, your WW can not make you do anything from your feelings. That is your choice. Sure, she can take actions to lead you to feel certain ways. However, to place what you choose to do with your feelings as your wife's responsibility is disingenuous at best.

You need to google "The Drama Triangle: Three Faces of a Victim" and understand what you are doing.

Lastly, don't do it. I cannot emphasize this enough...your kids, your wife...all of that matters as reasons why not to, but most important of all...if you claim to be someone who is against infidelity, you are poisoning your own soul by compromising who you are...or at least claim to be.

If it is his contention, and I think it is , that her lies voided the vows then his sex with another woman, with her knowledge, and with he position that the vow no longer exists, would not be a betrayal.

It’s reasonable, in my opinion, to say the marriage is over if one of the spouse beaks his/her vow (and technically she didn’t break her wedding vows since it happened before the marriage, but I guess it’s academic). If the OP chooses to R, it’s also reasonable to think R is within a context of marriage.

If the OP decides to D, he can enunciate the fact that the vows are broken, the marriage is void and null and he can just go do whatever the heck he wants to do.

It’s not reasonable that during R, on Wednesday between 6 PM and 7 PM, he’s not married (but she still is) because she broke her vows, on Thursday they’re married, but Saturday night though...

More importantly, what is the the OP ultimate goal here? If we focus solely on his current goal... What should he do to have the best chance to attain his goal?

"It’s not reasonable that during R..."

R is a formal process with agreeable terms among both parties. He may have previously stated he is in R. I question if he is.

[This message edited by DIFM at 6:30 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

CBM, rereading your first post...

I feel like I'm dying inside each day and becoming an empty shell. I feel like no one understands how I feel. And I feel so unfairly punished - I did nothing wrong, I was a good boyfriend and husband, and yet I have had this happen to me and now I need to just "deal with it" to save our marriage, because it would be crazy not to.

A big thing about an A for a BS is the loss of control, where you are at the end of the whip getting tossed about. A key component for surviving an A (or surviving anything for that matter) is to regain and exert control.

Consider taking action to inform yourself about divorce. See a lawyer and fully explore all of your alternatives. Knowledge is power, and power is control. Don’t be afraid to take things to the edge, to the point where staying married and getting divorced are equally easy, where all of the friction and inertia are gone from the process either way, and all that is left is your choice. Then make the choice, knowing it was all yours to make.

Take a look at my profile, with the 12 rules for survival. Good stuff to follow.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 5:02 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

@Maurader, the point is another wrong will not fix this mess.

I have been on this Board for ten years, and I have read time and again the added devastation a RA or whatever you want to call it brings to an already broken marriage.

Having permission for it makes it neither "another wrong" nor an affair. Secondly, you're all pretending CBM has decided to stay in the marriage, to R, he hasn't as of now. Quite a few people here seem to be active in his wife's thread too and under the assumption, he'll simply lie down and take it.

I'm not pretending his wife hasn't cheated.

Cheating is selfish act. Period. There's no sugarcoating it. Putting yourself first above all else. That's what his wife did, and that's exactly what he seems to want to do. If you want to have sex with someone other than your spouse, divorce first.

No, you're just ignoring it and giving her commitment from his side she's not entitled to any more. The marriage is broken, the vows meaningless, all of it from the get-go was a sham. She has no right to expect him to prioritize her, treat her like a wife and put her well being first. Zero.

A pass to cheat? Cheating is cheating is cheating. Sorry, there's no other way to describe it. It's his way of justifying it by saying he was given a pass. It's just going to add fuel to the already burning fire.

What is important right now is CBM, not the marriage, not the lying, deceiving, and manipulative WW. It's solely him and whatever helps him come to a decision either way. A decision which very well might be divorce rather than R.

If it is his contention, and I think it is , that her lies voided the vows then his sex with another woman, with her knowledge, and with he position that the vow no longer exists, would not be a betrayal.

Not contentious at all. The law in most countries, as well as religious tenets, usually include this in the contract. As an added bonus, the marriage only came about through lies and deceptions, which makes it fraudulent from the get-go. Find me any other contract that would stay valid under those circumstances.

I agree though that it would likely not produce a positive outcome.

Here's where we disagree. For most here, a positive outcome seems to R. Him deciding to divorce and breaking free can be considered just as positive an outcome FOR HIM. While staying in the marriage might only be positive with his wife but slowly eat away at him.

Find me any other contract that would stay valid under those circumstances.

Actually, his marriage contract holds, as per the state. Otherwise we wouldn't be talking about a divorce.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 6:56 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

I get the special rejection of being the one to court a woman and then finding out she quickly and freely went pornstar with some charming opportunist. BTDT

That is something you will need to deal with. Having an affair, sanctioned or not, isn't going to help you at all. You will just lose the moral high ground with your wife and perhaps some self-respect.

See a lawyer and consider filing for divorce. Then go have sex with other women.

Actually, his marriage contract holds, as per the state. Otherwise we wouldn't be talking about a divorce.

Actually, no it doesn't. In most countries and even many US states, it's still grounds for a divorce favorable to the BS. The contract is dead, the BS however still has to see it through and inform the relevant authorities about this fact. Same as any other contract that fell through or was shown to be fraudulent.

You can claim that no fault is now a thing in some US states, that's great. It's a fairly recent and terrible change.

Marauder, there's no doubt she's guilty as charged.

That said, have you ever been guilty of something, that you should have been convicted (or punished) for, but the person handing out the sentence granted you mercy (which is not getting the punishment you deserve)?

You don't have a dog in this fight so why the full court press with CBM?

Let him decide what he wants to do.

Did you ever see "Shawshank Redemption"?

There's a scene where the parole board asks Red if he's sorry for the crime he committed?

His reply:

"There's not a day goes by that I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here (jail) and you think I should. I look back on the way I was...a young stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him...I want to try to talk some sense to him..tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid is long gone. This old man is all that's left. I got to live with that".

If CBM's wife wouldn't do the same thing now (crime) than maybe, just maybe, she's grown and she's not the same stupid, selfish, immature person that she was back than.

This is what CBM has to decide for himself.

Can he live with the fallout?

Only he can decide and I pray that he finds the peace he's seeking WHICHEVER way he decides to go.

If CBM's wife wouldn't do the same thing now (crime) than maybe, just maybe, she's grown and she's not the same stupid, selfish, immature person that she was back than.

Well, she has been committing deception since the day she got married to CBM under false pretenses. So no, she is not someone who chose wrong when she was very young and has been working to make it right since then.

Let him decide what he wants to do.

He will decide what he wants to do. Marauder is just presenting a different perspective just as the anti-RA people are presenting their rationale.

If it is his contention, and I think it is , that her lies voided the vows then his sex with another woman, with her knowledge, and with he position that the vow no longer exists, would not be a betrayal.

A betrayal is an action that conflicts with reasonably expected loyalties. Agree or not, if he takes the position that her lies and manipulation of outcomes voids the vow, and his WW understands that he is living under that position, then his actions would not be a betrayal.

This is spot on. While I would not advise a BS to have sex with someone else after DDay just to feel good, that would be purely because of upholding their own morality. They owe absolute zero to the WS, unless they categorically agree to R. R is not a default position!