SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don't have a dog in this fight so why the full court press with CBM?

You guys don't have a dog in the fight. Why are you going after him in some cases viciously so? I know some folks who try to bully him into R and not acting are active in his wife's thread so that might be a motivator.

Let him decide what he wants to do.

Oh, I am wholly content with doing so. I'm not arguing with CBM here, so why are you pretending I am. I'm arguing with people attacking and outright insulting him for feeling how he does, people who act as if he has already decided on R and everything is a done deal. Some of the same people who tell his wife she's stunning, brave, courageous etc in her thread on the WS forum.

Well, she has been committing deception since the day she got married to CBM under false pretenses. So no, she is not someone who chose wrong when she was very young and has been working to make it right since then.

I'm not certain whether the two read each other's thread or if everyone here is wholly aware that she has her own in the WS forum. Let's just say that while she supposedly has not cheated since she has not grown anywhere to the extent people assume she did.

He will decide what he wants to do. Marauder is just presenting a different perspective just as the anti-RA people are presenting their rationale.

Pretty much this. CBM is giving his thoughts and feelings and people are in my opinion tearing into him for it. He's been accused of having a cheaters mentality, of doing worse than his wife with this, of not thinking about his children, about how this would "inject poison" into the relationship (the poison already being there), hell someone even said she should be allowed to sleep with someone else too then and more.

The treatment CBM is receiving here is in my opinion horrid. People are holding him to completely different standards than his wife and operating on the basis that R is inevitable, desirable and the best for him.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 2:21 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Actually, no it doesn't. In most countries and even many US states, it's still grounds for a divorce favorable to the BS.

If you talk to a lawyer, they are going to tell you that trying to use the cheating before the marriage in this case to get an at-fault divorce is going to be a non-starter for too many reasons to list. Further, every single state in the USA has a no-fault mechanism.

I am actually sort of with you on at least taking the marriage to the edge of D/R and then making a decision. To file and physically have that release in the fingers, written in ink, right there. Then decide. I just found it ironic after reading your post that marriage is precisely the contract where the lying beforehand doesn't invalidate it.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:55 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

So I caught the stomach bug from our little guy yesterday and was waylaid all day, hence my lack of replies. Not hiding from the SI masses, just completely non-functional as a human for the day.

There is a lot to catch up on now, but I will say in general I appreciate everyone's input, both those condemning the idea and those providing support, or something in between. It helps to get lots of perspectives.

I will say, my wife and I are definitely in R and I want to make things work. This would not be intended to be an "exit event". I really don't think of it as cheating either - I think cheating requires deception and breaking clearly defined rules, and this would not be that. There would be no deception, and the rules would be laid out beforehand. Some of you feel strongly that "cheating is cheating", but you are not going to convince me to feel the same way.

However, I am willing to admit that just because it wouldn't be cheating in my book, doesn't mean it's a good idea! I have had plenty of bad ideas since d-day. I am full of bad fucking ideas and thoughts. Part of me wants to drive a thousand miles away, change my name and start over. That's a terrible idea, but I still have it. I just know I'm not going to act on that one.

With regards to my marriage being "real", I think the fact that my wife didn't confess before we married really bothers me a lot, and I've brought it up a lot with her. I hate having the truth of her A as a dark cloud over our wedding. However, the actions I'm proposing are not justified in my head by thinking that our vows are broken or our marriage is invalid. I don't feel "unmarried", if that makes sense.

I really don't have much interest in pursuing D at this point. I know I want to R with my wife, I know she does as well. The question I have is will this action help my healing and make our marriage stronger in the future and make me less likely to have an RA later on. I know it sounds crazy to many people to think that having sex with someone else could help, but I really think it could. If I were to pursue D, I would really mean it. I don't like the ideas relating to an almost "casual" divorce, with co-habitating or intentions to remarry or whatever. If I D, it will be 100% over.

I am concerned about my potential to have an actual RA in the future - I already almost had my own affair, and I drew the line mainly because I was only willing to go as far as I thought my wife went, and no further. I felt like if I did no worse than my wife (at that point, my knowledge was that she kissed AP), then I could sleep at night. I am not the BS with perfect morals and ethics that some of you seem to be. I really wouldn't want to have an affair, but I have a very vindictive/justice-seeking side and I think that if the opportunity came up later on in life, I would think back to my wife's A and give myself permission to have my own. My hope is that an action like I proposed would satisfy this side of my nature such that I couldn't justify an A in my own head later on. This sounds terrible, but I'm just trying to be honest with myself (and you all). Hopefully IC can convince me that sex with someone else isn't going to work and I can set aside the other feelings over time.

Finally, my wife and I both read each other's threads, so there's no secrets about this and you are free to post thoughts on it to her thread if you want. We just don't post on each other's threads, nor will we.

Marauder - Thanks for the advocacy. I don't agree with everything you say, but I appreciate you seeing things from my POV. It does feel sometimes like people forget what the catalyst of all this was to begin with, and the people draw false equivalencies between what I've talked about and a "real" affair.

HouseOfPlane - thanks for the continued advice and levity.

marriageredux959 - I appreciate your post so much - thank you for reciprocating! The realness and the female perspective are so needed. Also, I will be stealing the phrase "squicks you out", lol. I hope what I wrote above answers some of your questions that you proposed.

Booyah - Appreciate your outlook and belief in rehabilitation. I believe my wife is different and better than she was back then. Great quote, too.

Do whatever you need to do to get your mind right. Your health is going to suffer as the weight of this continues to drag you down. It is highly probable that you will never see her or yourself the same way again. You will have a stronger opinion of yourself in the end. You won't necessarily have a more negative opinion of her, it will feel a lot more like indifference toward her. That's perfectly ok, she earned it. I'm not saying there's no path to happiness from this point forward, there definitely is. You can still love her, take pride in her, and enjoy a life with her.

There's a process of elimination you have to go through, eliminating all the bullshit that has been introduced into your life now. It's not your fault. Whatever you need to do to get back on track should be considered. It literally is all about you at this point. I realize kids are a huge consideration, but you're worthless to them if you let this ruin your life. Don't.

Does it help you to describe some folks on this forum as having "perfect morals"?

What a convenient way to minimize any perfectly sound advice they may be providing.

The perpetrator chair is clearly where you are comfortable.

Best of luck to you, brother. I hope you make the right choice.

CantBeMe123,

The topic of RA will generate a lot of debate... specially the morality of it.

I’m suggesting a different approach: think of it like a chess game... Is it moral to move the rook two square forward? Maybe, maybe not. But will it get you closer to your stated goal? I haven’t read your wife’s thread, maybe she’s all for it... or maybe it will move you away from your objective, I do not know. But you have to think about what will happen next.

You wish to R. Talk to your wife and see how to best achieve that.

I totally understand where you are at. You wouldn’t be having this problem if she was honest when you were dating. At that point you could have broke up with her and went and got some strange.

She could have gotten all the humping she wanted from the OM. And the both of you could have decided then to either go your separate ways or get back together. Instead you were lied to and she got what she wanted. She got to eventually marry you and got to screw another guy she desired. No downside for her.

I don’t understand why marriage is important anymore. She was able to go screw another man with no consequences so why shouldn’t you? I think it’s just the cost of staying married. Also she should not benefit from her deceitful actions.

I think you should heal and do it anyway you want. Then I guess you will find out if she can deal with it. If you don’t look out for yourself who will. Best of luck to you and your family.

This crap unfortunately is the gift that keeps on giving.

Do whatever you need to do to get your mind right. Your health is going to suffer as the weight of this continues to drag you down. It is highly probable that you will never see her or yourself the same way again. You will have a stronger opinion of yourself in the end. You won't necessarily have a more negative opinion of her, it will feel a lot more like indifference toward her. That's perfectly ok, she earned it. I'm not saying there's no path to happiness from this point forward, there definitely is. You can still love her, take pride in her, and enjoy a life with her.

There's a process of elimination you have to go through, eliminating all the bullshit that has been introduced into your life now. It's not your fault. Whatever you need to do to get back on track should be considered. It literally is all about you at this point. I realize kids are a huge consideration, but you're worthless to them if you let this ruin your life. Don't.

Thanks Avid. I have experienced much of what you describe. I still love my wife a lot, but she is off the pedestal I had her own prior to the confession, that's for sure. It's probably better in the long run, and maybe our love will even be more authentic as a result. I'm working on not letting it affect me so much, and create so much insecurity and doubt in myself.

Does it help you to describe some folks on this forum as having "perfect morals"?

What a convenient way to minimize any perfectly sound advice they may be providing.

No, it doesn't "help me", I just get tired of the people on here who think they are absolutely incapable of having an affair. I think not having an affair takes work, it's not just an innate set of morals/ethics that some people have and others don't. I also don't think what I'm proposing is cheating, so telling me I'm "better than that" or it would "sacrifice my morals" doesn't really persuade me. I'm not trying to minimize advice, I'm trying to be honest about who I am and what fits my own principles.

The topic of RA will generate a lot of debate... specially the morality of it.

I’m suggesting a different approach: think of it like a chess game... Is it moral to move the rook two square forward? Maybe, maybe not. But will it get you closer to your stated goal? I haven’t read your wife’s thread, maybe she’s all for it... or maybe it will move you away from your objective, I do not know. But you have to think about what will happen next.

You wish to R. Talk to your wife and see how to best achieve that.

Thanks Shutter, this type of advice is the most compelling to me - i.e., regardless of the "morals", does it achieve my primary goal? I think the question is, what IS my primary goal. It is to reconcile, but it's also my own healing and happiness, which is a necessary component to R.

I don't want to feel like we have reconciled only to find myself living with a nagging feeling of injustice and unfairness that keeps me resentful of her forever. That's not really R. If this "fixes" the resentfulness, then to me it makes R more likely to "stick" in the long-term, even if stresses things int he short-term.

I agree with Spaceghost. If she wont stick around with what ever he does to help himself then its on her. She had no problem keeping all these things from him so he could have a choice. Now she should have to live with what ever happens. Its on her. Not him.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 2:23 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

At this point I would probably stop trying to explain the reasoning about having sex with someone else to folks that are going to be on the opposite side of whatever the hell you throw out here. I understand the reasoning process you're going through here. It's obviously not about the sex, it's about whatever it takes to ease your mind. You're not going to have a single, reasonably peaceful thought until something comes along and takes precedent over what you're thinking through right now.

You can't "think" your way to peace of mind by going over all of the scenarios that are in your head right now. Try to focus on some physically intensive hobby so your body will be sufficiently tired enough to let you sleep through the entire night. That way your subconscious can work on things while you sleep, possibly seeing things in a different perspective, and hopefully let you at least have a few peaceful hours to start your day. Eventually you'll be able to start a real healing process. The bulk of it is going to have to be done on your own though. It's just a process of working through a lot of bullshit.

Hello, CBM, I'm new to your thread here but wanted to offer some perspective. Let's look at two of your statements:

I think the question is, what IS my primary goal. It is to reconcile, but it's also my own healing and happiness, which is a necessary component to R.

I don't want to feel like we have reconciled only to find myself living with a nagging feeling of injustice and unfairness that keeps me resentful of her forever. That's not really R. If this "fixes" the resentfulness, then to me it makes R more likely to "stick" in the long-term, even if stresses things int he short-term.

I will say, my wife and I are definitely in R and I want to make things work. This would not be intended to be an "exit event". I really don't think of it as cheating either - I think cheating requires deception and breaking clearly defined rules, and this would not be that. There would be no deception, and the rules would be laid out beforehand. Some of you feel strongly that "cheating is cheating", but you are not going to convince me to feel the same way.

However, I am willing to admit that just because it wouldn't be cheating in my book, doesn't mean it's a good idea! I have had plenty of bad ideas since d-day. I am full of bad fucking ideas and thoughts. Part of me wants to drive a thousand miles away, change my name and start over. That's a terrible idea, but I still have it. I just know I'm not going to act on that one.

So let's look at you wanting to reconcile. When I think of reconciliation, I think about accepting the reality of the past (what happened is actually what happened), managing your feelings about that reality so that you cope well with the new landscape of your M, managing your words/actions/behaviors after accepting reality, so that you are moving forward in a way that is in harmony with your goal of R, and finally, being committed to creating a new bond with your spouse that is loving, in which you cherish each other and look forward to growing old together, despite your warts, you love each other.

R is really hard because you can only control you, and your WS can only control herself. Therefore, your feelings and words/actions/behaviors are your responsibility to manage.

If you choose to allow your feelings to balloon, if you choose to not manage your emotional reactions, if you choose to stay stuck in vengeance-wanting and resentment, that is 100% on you. You can blame your wife for her shitty behavior bringing you to this low and awful place, but if you stay stuck in your feelings of anger and bitterness, needing to even the score, then this is the person you will be bringing to the table when working on R.

You are 100% responsible for managing your feelings going forward. If you get triggered, and have a bout of anger, feel moments of despair, it is so so easy to play the blame game and want to attack your WW for these feelings that well up inside of you. OK, you can blame her for the trigger, but you cannot blame her for how you handle that trigger. She cannot, literally can not, manage the trajectory of your feelings.

This is the crux of the fault vs. responsibility concept (search youtube for fault vs responsibility will smith). You have to own your responsibility for managing your feelings. You have to own your responsibility for managing your words/actions/behaviors if you want to be a healthy person and have a healthy marriage.

I think that what all the naysayers are trying to get to with advising that a revenge "affair" (or one-time pass for an open marriage, or whatever action you are contemplating) is a really bad idea, because you are contemplating a dysfunctional way of managing your thoughts and feelings instead of a functional, healthy way. By going down the path of evening the score ***you lessen yourself*** and tear down more of the fabric of your M. This will not help you R, because you will be bringing an even more broken man forward into the future with your WW. Only this time you will be the one breaking yourself. A "short term more damage" followed by "long term more healing" scenario isn't what you will get.

I will agree with you, that this idea of having sex with someone else besides your WW as a deliberate activity you would plan and execute (because your reasons) is a terrible terrible idea. I'm not blaming you for having the idea or bringing it to the board for discussion, we all have terrible thoughts from time to time. But I am saying that if you do choose this path, it will take you further away from your goal, not closer.

my primary goal. It is to reconcile, but it's also my own healing and happiness, which is a necessary component to R.

Your own healing and happiness. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I think your greatest chance of achieving this is to continue to live your life as a moral person. To continue to be faithful to your wife. To continue to strive to provide the best home for your kids. To continue to strive to be someone who can walk with a bounce in his step, proud of who he is. To be someone who recovers from a low place and climbs out to a high place. Someone who chooses to work towards happiness and healing instead of vengeance.

to find myself living with a nagging feeling of injustice and unfairness that keeps me resentful of her forever.

Respectfully, this is where your internal work lies. It is in finding yourself coping with nagging feelings and letting go of resentments, in a healthy way. There are so many other ways you can accomplish your goals. Go to therapy. Sign up for weekly sessions and keep going until you feel like you are where you want to be inside your head and your heart. Join a gym and pound on a bag. Split firewood. Train for a marathon. Take up art and draw or paint your resentment. Write poetry or songs. Arrange for time away from her with buddies, go camping, build a tree house. Go fishing. I don't know what you enjoy so I'm just throwing ideas out there, but I suggest you think long and hard about any possible alternatives that help you manage your feelings in a way that doesn't further weaken your M or your own self-image.

I will remain forever angry and resentful of my XWH for what he did to my life. Except I really don't feel those feelings any more. I just remember that I once was horribly angry and resentful, and now his actions long ago no longer have any power over me. I've moved away from that. So the anger and resentment is past. I've chosen to turn my back on those feelings and leave them behind. I've worked on becoming a better person. I've grown since my D. I wish I hadn't gone through that hell, but in the end I've made myself into the kind of person I want to be (well truthfully I still have work to do), and I'm happy.

You know, I have, mostly I think, stayed out of your wife's and your thread.

And I will not presume to tell you what to do at all.

On one hand, now doubt about it, your wife is a POS for what she did, and for lying about it for 12 years. That is the worst part, the lying.

On the other hand, she did have the balls to confess to you the truth. That is good in a way. I don't really think she ever thought that you would react the way that you did. That was ignorant of her on many levels.

Now, she may have done it for the wrong reasons, who knows. She could have thought that she had been a good enough wife that you might forgive her. OR she could have said I have to get rid of this guilt and he is stuck with me no matter what.

All of those are hard things to deal with, they just are. Frankly, I think you are within your rights to divorce her and never look back.

I can however, tell you, almost for a fact, that sleeping with someone else will not alive your feelings that you have been cheated. They just will not.

I can also tell you that it will not hurt your wife like it has hurt you no matter what. It may hurt her, but you know, she has it coming.

I can tell you that it is not cheating, but it won't really make you feel like you want to feel, because it will never be the same as what she did to you, never, it cannot be, and never will be.

Now, if you think, well, I have wanted to experience other women, I have wanted to play around a bit, but I was the faithful stooge to my wife... Well I might scratch that itch. Maybe.

If you want for your wife and you to start swinging or get into some other sexual lifestyle because you just want some experience, meh, who are we to judge.

Now I am not giving answers, just posing mostly questions to think about.

What I can say is this. I have been with more than my share of women, different reasons, different times. I won't deny that in those times of life it was fun.

However, the woman that I am with now, and the sex that we have NOW, it the best ever in my life. Sleeping around is fun for a while, but it gets old, unless you are a moron. It just does.

Now you may say, oh yeah, that is easy for you to say, but I want the opportunity do that, I want to find out for myself. OK, fair point.

But think about this. Have you ever been told something by your dad or a friend, and you knew that they were right... Then you went and did it yourself and you had the humiliation experience of having to go back to them and say... Hey you know what, you were right and I was stupid....

Yeah, same deal here.

Again I am not telling you what to do, I just want you to understand that this is one of those above times...

Think about it...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 4:44 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

one incident that occurred many years ago

your wife did a long time ago

the distant infidelity

You try to move the affair into the past, thus diminishing it, it's impact and how severe his WW's transgressions were. That isn't going to fly. Because for all intents and purposes DDay was a few months ago. That is from where we're counting. Because he was prior completely in the dark. The affair wasn't "years ago", it was a few months ago. Worse he in depth described what impact it had and why. That doesn't even factor in years of lying and deception afterward.

have y'all considered an open marriage?

How would you feel about your wife having a hall pass as well?

Do you want them to divorce, because that's a quick way to getting a divorce? Unless he's into knowing his wife is getting it from others, an open marriage is an incredibly raw deal for pretty much any guy. Solely because of how easy it is to get no strings attached sex depending on gender alone.

He'd be in a situation where he can't give most women what they want. Many would stay clear solely because he's married, even if he could convince them he genuinely has permission. While hooking up for his wife would be incredible easy.

[This message edited by Marauder at 1:12 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

SpaceGhost - nailed it

marriageredux959 - hoo boy, that's a lot to address. Here goes.

... have y'all considered an open marriage? Or at least redefining some of your boundaries?

How does your wife feel about your desire to have sex with other women? Is she cool with it? How would you feel about your wife having a hall pass as well?

I cannot bear the thought of another man having sex with my wife. It would be an absolute deal-breaker for that to happen again. An open marriage would not work for me, nor do I think it would work for my wife. My wife is not at all thrilled with the thought of me having sex with someone else, in fact I would say she really hates thinking about it. I think she's willing to let it happen only if it means that it helps me heal and we live happily together afterwards.

I get the strong impression that you are pushing a natural, normal curiosity and sex drive through the lens of something your wife did a long time ago as a way of rationalizing it/justifying it.

Is there a way that you, that both of you together (or separately, given fully informed consent) can scratch this itch without the aspect of punishing your wife added to it?

That's really interesting. I have always had a fantasy to have a threesome with my wife and another woman, not rare among men I’m sure. We have actually gotten reasonably close once, but it didn't happen in the end. Even with my "almost affair", when the OW was escalating to try to get physical with me and I was turning her down, I am a bit ashamed to admit I once half-jokingly recommended she try to “cozy up” with my wife, as the only way I would ever get physical with her would be if my wife was on board.

Even with this idea I have now, I am completely open to the concept of my wife being present and involved with the proposal. I think it could be really hot for both of us and give me what I need at the same time. My wife would have the benefit of not being in the dark about what happened, I would be in a safe place not to feel jealousy/insecurity, and I could appease my feelings on this. And yeah, part of me thinks it could be really fun if we both like it and follow some strict rules/boundaries around it. Another part of me thinks it’s pure fantasy and playing with fire, but who knows.

Maybe the two of you need to stop focusing on that thing your wife did when she was young and immature, and that she didn't handle it particularly well in the aftermath because she was young and immature, and start focusing on what each of you wants in your life and specifically in your sex life right now. I'm hardly one to be saying this given my own recent angst (and bat shit crazy) but get your heads out of the past and back into the present. That sounds like a lot more fun, anyway. :)

Well said. I think you’re probably right.

Restitution is fine, may even be necessary, but it must be Respectful to both parties. Dignity all around, no Scarlet Letters on anybody's bodice!

Retribution is, per above, a set up for endless Reverberations and Resentments. Retribution turns your marriage into a war zone. Who needs that? And it's especially unfair to the kids, who didn't sign up for any of this.

I truly respect my wife and don’t want retribution in any “major” way. Would I mind if she was a bit more hurt, or could actually spend a day in my shoes, feeling exactly how I feel? Sure. But I do love her, and I don’t want to humiliate her or disrespect her or go down a path of a “warzone”. I just want to get past this nagging feeling, not to even a score (impossible) but to feel more fair about what’s transpired and “scratch the itch” that I am afraid will otherwise follow me forever.

I’ll check out Esther Perel. I know she is disliked around here, but I think my views on things are closer to hers than a lot of other BS, as I understand it. I’m not an “affair apologist” by any stretch, but I am a realist.

CBM, I have to say I check your thread every day because I really empathise with you and I have a lot of respect for you, given what you've been put through.

My wife's misbehaviour was on a much lesser scale than yours - an EA. She didn't even know the guy and never met him. It started with a random text she received to her phone and it went from there. If I hadn't found out though, it would probably have escalated to a PA. Who knows?

But it absolutely devastated me. I struggled for a long time with all kinds of f****ed up emotions.

At one stage, I even bought a burner phone with a view to trying to start up something with another woman, randomly. Any woman!

I know now that all I wanted was for my wife to feel, even for just an instant, the pain I felt after I discovered her EA. She eventually told me where he worked - it was about 50 miles away, and I visited there a few times but couldn't quite figure out who he was. He may not even have been working there any time I visited.

I too struggled with the idea of revenge sex. Just a ONS would have done the trick, I figured. I knew I couldn't go through with it but I still needed her to know my pain.

Numerous times I asked her how she'd feel if I went off and had an affair with someone else. Or a ONS. She said she'd be devastated but, given her behaviour, she'd try to understand and cope.

The next bit I didn't plan.... It just came out of the blue one Saturday morning while we sat at the breakfast bar reading the morning paper. I told her that I'd been chatted up at the bar the previous night by a pretty girl who was in town for the weekend and that she took me down the alley and we'd had 5 minutes of very passionate sex.

Her reaction was unbelievable. She turned white and I honestly thought she was going to throw up. I kept the pretence up for about 5 minutes before realising that she was breaking down in front of me. I told her that there was no truth to my story but I wanted her to glimpse what I'd felt after her EA.

She didn't forgive me very quickly for doing what I did but we're still here....

About 14 yeas later now (I can't even remember the year now), we're in a much better place. She is deeply, deeply embarrassed by her behaviour and I've forgiven her and acknowledged my shortcomings as a husband, at the time.

Her EA still plays on my mind now and again, but I don't speak about it any more because it genuinely causes incredible pain for her. She has been the most amazing wife since it happened. She's my rock, my counsellor, my wife, my lover, my everything! Life could not be better. Our marriage is at a completely different level and we have total transparency.

CBM, I hope that you, like me, can find a way for you to know she feels your pain, without you having to resort to some kind of revenge sex. I think you'll regret it if you go ahead with it. Talk to her........

[This message edited by Sebulba at 2:31 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

I'm working on not letting it affect me so much, and create so much insecurity and doubt in myself.

Here's a thought to ponder on...the extent of pain you feel is directly tied to the extent that you believe who your wife is speaks to who you are and how you are perceived.

When you can separate those two things (who she is, who you are) then the brutal part of the pain just falls away.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 2:25 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

I cannot help but think that you wanted to and still want to sleep with another woman and this has very little to do with what your wife did before you were married but dating.

You definitely appear to be using this as a means to be making that happen.

You are also using this to try and encourage your wife to have a threesome with another woman and you. If that is truly what your wife wants, then fine, but if not, then this too is wrong.

Any one will tell you that two wrongs do not make a right and by you simply saying that you have a vindictive side doesnt make it right either.

Either you are married or you are not. If you feel she deceived you and you cannot get over it, then get the hell out of the marriage.

What you are thinking of doing is wrong. You are coercing her into agreeing to do this by saying it will help you heal. If you want to be truthful with her, then tell her the truth: that is you want to sleep with another woman and better still, have a threesome with her, and that you have been using this as an excuse to do this. What is particularly relevant is to mention to her that you almost did this anyway before you knew the truth.

Anything else is just asking for trouble.