SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CBM:

In reference to your fear of judgement...sometimes you have to order a big glass of "fuckit" and drink it deep.

That said, go try a BJJ class. Most will offer free trials, and they want new members...making most of them really supportive. If you want some suggestions for a gym local to you, shoot me a PM.

Focus on you. If your wife is what some say she is (a lying liar that lies) it will eventually show. In the meantime, the stronger you are, the less her potential for lying will impact you.

Start behaving like you love yourself...even when you don't feel like it...or believe it. You will be better for it.

Can't,

You wrote, I've also always carried guilt about the fact that while we both love each other for who we are inside, her body is gorgeous and like a bonus for me to enjoy, whereas she has always had to accept my "dad bod", or worse. I've always felt like I've owed her at least a year of being in legitimately good shape, since I've gotten to enjoy so many years of her being in great shape. It's a weird thought, but I have it and can't shake it and it makes me angry with myself for not being able to do it.

I think many of us do the same kinds of calculations we believe we know what our attractiveness would be worth on the open market. If our wives are three times our value and we make 1.25 times their salery then we feel we owe them.

At one time I thought that my W cheating on me was just a cost the less attractive spouse had to pay to compensate the more attractive spouse.

First things first: You wanna lose weight? It's food. Calories. You have to burn more calories than you eat. You will never lose the weight you want to just by working out because it's extremely difficult to burn enough calories to lose weight strictly by working out when you consume too much.

This is good advice. You can lift weights and run on the treadmill all day but unless you create a calorie deficit you'll never lose a pound. Getting to and maintaining a healthy weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise. Get yourself an app like LoseIt and start counting your calories religiously. At your weight, if you keep your daily intake around 1800 and exercise 4-5 days a week for an hour or so, you should start seeing results.

And like others have said, definitely work on some self-love. Part of that will be taking concrete steps to improve your fitness, but if you've always felt like the awkward chubby guy who dudes like Baldy O'Triceps look down on, then what you're lacking is a frame of reference for what it feels like to be comfortable in your own skin and feel satisfied about the way you look. That's the sort of thing IC can help you with.

I'll also add that when I lost weight, I looked in the mirror after not that much time and I saw and said: "Holy shit, I'm pretty good looking!".

And not to be immodest, but it was true, and it was reinforced by female attention.

Just think of the time you have spent in the gym thus far as your "bulking" phase, now you need to go into your "cutting" phase.

Once you start looking better, you'll start feeling better. It sounds shallow, but it's true.

Once you start feeling better others will notice you as more attractive, maybe even your wife.

But I don't think you should waste it on her, start finding yourself towards a woman who wants you ALL THE TIME.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:23 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks everyone. I know how to lose weight, I just struggle to maintain a calorie deficit in any kind of sustainable way. I actually enjoy working out, so it's easy to choose to do that instead, but I do know that eating right is 80% of the battle.

Anyway.. I'm not shrek or anything, far from it and I don't think I'm ugly by any stretch, it's just a mental block around unhappiness with my body image for a very long time. I think like farside, I will carry it with me in some way no matter what I do, but I'm not using that as an excuse not to improve myself.

At one time I thought that my W cheating on me was just a cost the less attractive spouse had to pay to compensate the more attractive spouse.

I hear you survus. I hate you ever felt that way. I've been there too. It's hard to believe "it's not about you" when the OM(s) is/are consistently in better shape. A big part of my pain around her confession is that I spent much of our early relationship feeling insecure, jealous, scared of the attention she would receive from other men, and lo and behold, she had a full-blown affair and flirted inappropriately with a few others as well. Makes it next to impossible to believe "it's not about you".

I had IC today and like usual, I spent way too much time talking about my wife and not enough talking about myself. It's hard to not get sucked into that cycle of just complaining and seeking validation. I do that enough on here, I shouldn't need to do it in IC as well. I asked my IC in the future to try to help pull me back on track.

I had IC today and like usual, I spent way too much time talking about my wife and not enough talking about myself. It's hard to not get sucked into that cycle of just complaining and seeking validation. I do that enough on here, I shouldn't need to do it in IC as well. I asked my IC in the future to try to help pull me back on track.

I think when you find that moment -- the one where you recall you're a badass despite the shit show -- and then you'll be awesome, regardless of the outcome of this relationship. That glorious moment of KNOWING your value is a great day.

It is so much easier said than done. I understand. Because I was in the same spot. Same exact spot as you. For me, the weight battle win ironically starts with confidence. As you noted, you know what you need to do, but hey, you're still recovering from an emotional trauma. That doesn't happen with a snap and tends to be a bit of an anchor on the ol' confidence factor. You'll get there.

Your wife will continue to process her issues and be a better, safer partner, or she won't. If anything, I think most BS learn that any sense of control is an illusion.

I think if you keep focus on your healing, you'll get less caught up in the idea that she needs to 'see' your pain as often as possible. If she has any empathy at all, she knows.

It's hard to believe "it's not about you" when the OM(s) is/are consistently in better shape. A big part of my pain around her confession is that I spent much of our early relationship feeling insecure, jealous, scared of the attention she would receive from other men, and lo and behold, she had a full-blown affair and flirted inappropriately with a few others as well. Makes it next to impossible to believe "it's not about you".

I have a question to clarify this statement for me. Do you feel you brought those issues into your relationship from the beginning or was it only after you found out she kissed a guy and felt something was off did those behaviors manifest?

In your previous comment, you implied that you understood your body image issues did not have a rational basis. What "makes it next to impossible (for you) to believe" that her affair was not direct response to something about you? Was it your perceived inadequacy of your physical looks or do you feel that your behavior towards her is driving this feeling?

@Oldwounds - thanks, sincerely

I have a question to clarify this statement for me. Do you feel you brought those issues into your relationship from the beginning or was it only after you found out she kissed a guy and felt something was off did those behaviors manifest?

In your previous comment, you implied that you understood your body image issues did not have a rational basis. What "makes it next to impossible (for you) to believe" that her affair was not direct response to something about you? Was it your perceived inadequacy of your physical looks or do you feel that your behavior towards her is driving this feeling?

My body image issues go back to my middle school, so I definitely brought them with me to the relationship. I think they did have a rational basis early on, I was very chubby until my later high school/into college years. The problem is that while my body changed, my mind didn't, it seemed to lock in this self-image and I've never been able to change it. As I got older, I had trouble embracing this dichotomy within me where I both loved sports and wanted to be "cool" and popular, but I was also a nerd at heart and more comfortable with that kind of a group. So I was always stuck in the middle and felt like I wasn't accepted by either side.

I get your point though, and yes, it probably really wasn't about me. It's just hard to not feel worse about myself when the OMs are all good-looking guys. But then again, those are types of guys who tend to be outgoing/bold/players, so it makes sense. It's just hard not to feel worse about myself as a result.

I find some of the things she says to you confusing. She feels she is being forced to live in a box because she is always terrified of doing something to hurt or disappoint you, yet she went strolling for coffee with that young dude at work. She absolutely had to know that would hurt and disappoint you. I can only surmise that at some point she weighed it all out and decided it was worth it, and if she told you about it, you might not even be all that upset. (especially since the guy was bald and unattractive, right?) If she is indeed in a box, she put herself there with her past behavior.

I haven't read her thread, but she must be quite the wordsmith to have people defending her for this latest infraction. Box or no box, she simply does not need to be spending social time one on one with other males right now. It's much too soon for you to trust her with that. To me, that's just a very basic truth for a wayward spouse.