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I have not had intimate relations with my WW in over 4 years. We tried reconnecting after the A but WW seemed disinterested. As a background even before A sex was only average. Wife and I didn't connect in this particular area very well ever to be honest.

I tried to move past her affairs with multiple men but found myself feeling inadequate especially when WW appeared disinterested. I ended up thinking about the emails I saw with her talking about about how much she enjoyed sex withe AP.

So basically I just stopped trying to initiate any sexual intimacy. WW appears to be committed in other areas of relationship and have love and affection for each other. Just no sexual interest. I have decided that the other parts of our relationship are more important than physical needs.

My questions is has anyone else decided to go this way and if so was it successful in the long run? One concern I still have is if we are not being intimate will she regress and start another A?

Me:BS 54

WW 49

Dday 9-2013 R since

I can't imagine this is healthy, and frankly if she's not putting in effort to revive and improve the sexual part of your relationship then she's not actually interested in being your wife. More like a roommate.

Forget what she'll end up doing. What do you need from her? You signed up for monogamy, not celibacy, but your post indicates that you haven't done much in the way of actually talking about it. It's way past time you sat her down for a frank conversation about your dissatisfaction with this aspect of your marriage.

For anyone in a relationship that has had to accommodate chronic pain and/or chronic illness, the sex life is often one (of several) casualties. It becomes very important to work to maintain intimacy in any marriage, but especially in one that deals with illness, disability, and pain, all of which can overwhelm the strongest of relationships. But it helps to separate “sex” and “intimacy.”

In our relationship both suffered pre-A. The physical aspects of my illness presented huge challenges filling a year in and out of surgeries that had a huge impact on my ability to feel sexy and safe. I was always dealing with uncontrolled symptoms. Depression set in. Pain became a recurring and daily issue. The shift from healthy to chronic brought us together early on, fighting to keep me alive and to keep my wife employed with all the interruptions. We developed some deeper intimacy in different ways, but over time they gave way to “chronic illness/pain syndrome.” Parents of young children will recognize this: your health becomes the overwhelming focus in much the same way children can.

Intimacy is something you may not think about much — until the day you learn your spouse has shared details about you and your marriage with another person. This breaks the trust that intimacy thrives in, and you can languish without the closeness, the honesty, the sharing of fears and dreams. And without intimacy, meaningful sex is difficult.

Our marriage will likely survive if we continue to work together on our intimacy issues and needs. Sex will always be difficult, as we both have physical barriers and pain issues, but that should not mean we can’t still be playful, attentive, and share intimacy.

Each couple, and each spouse within that marriage, will have a minimum threshold for meeting their physical needs. But the two of you should be able to come to an agreement about intimacy needs. And out of that, hopefully, sexual needs and desires will be able to grow.

At least that is our hope. Neither of us likes our status quo, but we also have decided stressing about it is counterproductive.

All of that said, the little place sex that played in my wife’s affair still presents me with emotional challenges. And those can seem larger than all the physical challenges we have faced so far.

Only you can decide if a sexless marriage will survive in the long term.

Did either one of you go to IC after the A? Was the A ever talked about? Or did you “just move on” ? Are you sure the affairs have ended? I’m of the belief that a person that has had multiply affairs will continue unless they seriously work on themselves. I speak from experience. My WH would not talk about the A. “We just moved on.” We have always gotten along well, worked well together etc.

My story and why I am concerned about your post, situation. Not saying you are in the same situation.

My WH withdrew sex from me when I started confronting him about his A with MOW. He has a lot of health issues and I was having trouble with intimacy bc of his affair. After the A ended I approached him for sex but he turned me down and I was very hurt. He told me his medication was making it impossible for him to become aroused. So after a few attempts I gave up. Started focusing on the other areas of the relationship and ignored my needs. It did bother me that he never had any concerns for my unmet needs. But I did not want to put pressure on him if he had ED.

We would snuggle and he was always kind to me.

Fast forward 3 years. Long story short I discovered he had a OW #2. From talking with her WH was also involved with her before pursuing me. He was also involved with MOW for years before pursuing me.( years! before pursuing me)

WH has finally attempted some IC. But at this time has only gone to 3 sessions and does not have another appointment set. He has not sent the N/C letter I ask.

When I ask WH why he can have sex with OW and not me he said. that he is angry at me for OBS finding out and jeopardizing the business that OBS and his kids have together. Punishing me for his actions. Cake eater.

Is it possible your wife is withholding sex as a form of punishment ?

You need to sit down and have some serious talks.

I hope she is not withholding sex and carrying on with others. It’s sickning.

You deserve to have you needs met in some matter. I kick myself for “just moving on”

You cannnot heal what you don’t talk about”

Anything can potentially be survived or at least tolerated. But it is an issue. How is the rest of the life now?

There’s this study which indicates warning flags, I've posted it before.

https://www.businessinsider.com/formula-predicts-success-of-marriages-2012-12

Many have spent long hours wondering if a marriage is going to last, considering things like love, children, taxes, and the opinion of friends and professionals.

But the best and easiest answer may be this formula:

(frequency of lovemaking) - (frequency of quarrels)

A positive difference predicts marital happiness, a negative one unhappiness

couples with consistently negative scores frequently separate or divorce within relatively short times.

Do you argue a lot? How has it evolved?

Edit: ugh, never post from a phone

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:30 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

I would say only if both of you are wanting a sexless relationship. If that’s what both decide on and want then yes. It would need to be discussed with both of you.

I would say only if both of you are wanting a sexless relationship. If that’s what both decide on and want then yes. It would need to be discussed with both of you.

This.

Otherwise HELL NO. Take it from me, if one spouse is ok with a sexless marriage and the other is not, it will never work. Ever.

To the original poster,

Sorry to sound blunt, but here goes..

Maybe your WW picked up on your disappointment in her sexual performance before her affairs..

Not that this is to blame for her behavior..

What are your expectations? Does she need to be a sex Goddess to fulfill your needs, or is it that you simply want her to let you know that she is into the moment?

Working these out as a couple is something that has to be dealt with..Taking into account her physical and emotional capability as well as yours..

Simply put,

I would hate to be the wife of somebody who felt that I was a dud in the bedroom....Especially if I knew I was trying my physical and emotional best to be present sexually...

It would be good th have an idea of what exactly you find disappointing in her....Is it the physicality of things, or her attitude?

Again, this is marriage stuff to be worked out, after you process the trauma of her betrayals..if you R..

The state of the marriage is NOT an excuse for her to choose to have an affair(s).

I especially like what One and the Same posted..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:10 AM, November 5th (Monday)]

Mrken,

What are you doing about your sense of being inadequate? I know it's common after being cheated on, but it's a big barrier to rebuilding a sexual connection. So is repulsion that often follows a d-day.

Have you talked about this with your W? Have you made it a requirement for R for her to show she desires you? Is it a requirement? Really - gently, are you willing to walk if she doesn't step up?

Also gently, what's keeping you from taking action to get what you want?

Do you want to be intimate with your wife? Is there any hope of rekindling that? Are there other area's of where you are intimate? Do you kiss, cuddle, touch each other?

I could not survive without physical touch/contact, or sex for 4 years, for me it would cause a strain everywhere else in my marriage.

If you want to have a sex life, you could start by having a conversation with your wife, seeing a sex therapist, etc. If it the marriage is worth it to you to work on it, you could start over and have a fresh slate where sex is concerned and rediscover each other.

All I can tell you is that if you don't have sex with your WW she will ultimately have another A and get it somewhere else (like she did before with multiple OMs), how do you even know she's not having another A right now ? do you have FULL on demand access to her phone and all her electronic devices ? you mean she was having and "enjoying" sex with "multiple men" and suddenly stopped after the As ended ? based on that, it's very hard to believe she doesn't want to have sex anymore and it's just a matter of time you have another Dday, do you have any children ?, a sexless M seems impossible in the long run, lifes too short, I would leave, you SHOULD be enjoying a healthy sex life in a M, if not, it's a sham.

Hypothetically- yes I think a marriage can survive. I think if there was a physical/medical reason we couldn’t have sex, then we’d still work through it until death do us part. We’d find other ways. However, I think sex is extremely important in a marriage.

I’m concerned though. It sounds like you don’t talk to your wife about this stuff. Is that true? This should be a top conversation. Let me rephrase- ANYTHING that concerns me (or concerns) my husband, is a top conversation. I’m also concerned about what sex means for your wife. Multiple affairs where sex is “good” actually makes me wonder if her gratification is more about feeling wanted. I think she has some exploring to do. Before marriage, I had my share of sex. Hands down, sex with my husband is the best. It is not because he is magnificent in bed. It’s more about what we share. How he knows me, etc.

Have you thought about a sex therapist?

Can it survive ? Sure. If I was at death's door I could be kept alive for a long time on life support in a hospital, but you'd be hard pressed to consider that a "good" or, "fulfilled," life.

Have either of you done any counseling ?

I suppose it is possible, but why would you want to?

Sex is like the glue that keeps a M healthy.

Why would you settle for this? It sounds terrible.

Unless your spouse is going through some type of health crisis, I would not tolerate this.

Are you in IC?

My husband withheld sex from me for 12 years. We had intercourse only 10 times during that period.

I continued to satisfy him when he asked but he never did the same for me.

Take it from me, no or very little sex does not make for a great marriage. I was always angry, frustrated, hurt, humiliated and confused. I am positive my kids paid the price. I would look at other moms dropping their kids off at school and wonder if they had been intimate with their husbands the night before. Perhaps that's why they were smiling?

It's ridiculous to live life without sex.

She is witholding for a reason. We are 6 months in and only just trying to figure out why my H strayed when sex was fully available at home.

This has nothing to do with you. I would bet anything that another woman would be delighted with your skills. Your wife has made you feel inadequate. Perhaps out of anger, or out of distraction because she has others on the side.

Nobody lives without sex, she could very well be satisfied, just not in your bed.

Sorry to be so direct. Just trying to protect you from further hurt.

See a sex therapist. If she reuses, you have your answer.

Good luck.

You both wanted sex, only you wanted with her and she wanted with everyone but you. End this marriage, it’s one thing to be in a sexless marriage it’s quite another to be sexless with a former serial cheater who clearly wanted it elsewhere.

The weirdest thing about WS's, at least to us BS's, is that many times the sexually uninterested party is the one that cheats.

Which leaves us where?

I know exactly what you are feeling. My wife had little to no interest in sex. She was unable to maintain a sexual relationship with someone who loved her and who she loved. She could fuck a stranger, who she didn't have to grocery shop with and parent with and pay bills with, but sex with someone who slept beside her and made her coffee left her cold, fearful.

It took her years, and years of IC, (she still goes to counseling and it has been over 9 years since D-Day), to figure it out.

We went to MC for 4 years.

I think, for most marriages to truly be successful, you need to figure this out and rebuild the sexual relationship, if it can be rebuilt, or the cycle is likely to repeat.

Sex releases hormones and neurotransmitters that lead to a feeling of well-being. We tend to crave that feeling and most of us will eventually seek it out if we don't get it at home.