I don't understand why people in this thread made any comments about my wife or wanted to give me sympathy. I don't know what I said for either of these things to occur and both make me angry each time I see those types of responses and I made sure to state this each time. Where is the misunderstanding, I just don't get it.
my BS asked me to come up with a punishment for my daughter who had not done something she was supposed to do and her comment was exactly what I always feel.
Instead of saying "I reprimanded my daughter, you said My BS asked me to and her comment." It comes across as you having to do something you didn't want to do and that you were attacked by your wife with a comment about being a hypocrite.
She also asked what has my punishment been and I couldn't answer her.
You specifically pointed out punishment and not consequences. Making it seem like your wife is vengeful and for those that don't know you and your story- they might see that and compare that to how long you have been here and see that "you say you feel this" compare it to your wife asking about punishment and see her in a negative way. You made your wife into a bad guy.
My BS didn't call me a hypocrite, I called myself a hypocrite. Her comment was that I haven't had any punishment for my actions
Then you go on to clear it up that she didn't call you a hypocrite, just that you weren't punished. Putting her in a bad light as the parent/police. Punishment for adults just sounds vengeful and spiteful if taken out of context of something happening in some court of law to me. So, again you paint her in a bad light.
You didn't use the word "consequences for my actions or choices" in the opening post. You specifically said punishment and what your wife asked you to do and then commented on punishment. Not to mention the things you state in your other post.
I agree with Hellfire to about the trying thing. All your posts come with a general sense that you try and fail, try and fail. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So much so that even your wife had to make a post in general to clear things up because you had made it seem like that. When, it really is that you might not really be trying.
but I am not sure where I ever said I do all of the things for my wife. I am always struggling to try to figure out what I should be doing for her.
Follow through. Stop talking and just do it. Is it really that you are trying and failing? Or is it that you really aren't trying? It is like someone trying to lose weight and asking why they aren't when they are sitting there drinking milkshakes. Well, duh. Of course you aren't going to while drinking that milkshake. Get off the chair and take a walk. Stop drinking the milkshake. After so long, with so much advice...should you really be struggling anymore? I think you know what to do. You just aren't compelled enough to do it. You just aren't disgusted with yourself. You are disgusted that other people are disgusted with you. Yet, you choose to sit in the shame and guilt and hope that in time apathy will settle in.
You don't want to be a hypocrite. Then stop doing the things that make you a hypocrite.
I just can't seem to figure out how to ever do the right things. Lately, no matter what I say to her about anything it seems to piss her off, she has a hairline trigger because of what she has been through with me.
Again. You are making her into a bad guy. You can't figure. You shouldn't be trying to figure. You are looking to control the outcome. To placate. To not truly change, but white knuckle it. Instead of saying this statement. You should have said something like. I still am struggling how to be a respectful and compassionate person. You don't. You make it seem like it is her fault for not responding to you doing the right things. "Lately, no matter what I say to her-pissed off". You twist it like you are doing so much, yet she refuses to give grace, mercy, and leadway. Then you mention a hairline trigger. Why mention it at all. All the BS here have triggers. That is a given. By mentioning it, you place the blame on her and her reactions to you.
She does say things in front of the kids all the time, I don't believe if it is to purposely embarrass me. I assumed it was just because she is frustrated with me but the end result is that I am very embarrassed and can't say anything about it without just making her more angry.I don't believe she would call this a punishment, but it is a consequence that she has stated that I should have had on me.
Hello. You are making her into a bad guy here too. She doesn't make you feel embarrassed. Your lack of fixing this does. Though if someone doesn't know your story or hers, you make it sound like she is trying to embarrass you and punish you. Her not wanting you to spend time with your kids is a consequence. Makes her out to be a bad guy again. That is harsh. If it is true, then why? Because you are a bad role model? You are twisting it again. Those are negative things about her. I.E. she puts you down, embarrasses you in front of the kids, thinks you shouldn't be with them---after all these years. Think about it.
Stop explaining what you were doing and just listen. Stop defending what your intentions were. See it. See why.