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My husband has been quite nice since his affair four years ago. Only complaint is that he didn’t break up with her in front of me. I admit, I harped on that despite her obviously being involved with other men. But who knows, maybe he was just one in the mix? He always looks in more agony when I have triggers, so I tried to suggest a signal. Like when I’m triggering, I pull on my ear, and then he could reassure me without fearing a big discussion. He accused me of having a bad attitude, and ended with him telling me I was worthless. That was last night. This morning as sweet as ever, but I said, that he can disagree with me, but you attacked me for trying to get you out of having to talk about it and still get my needs met. Tyrate, cursing , name calling, and again worthless. I told him he isn’t welcome at Thanksgiving unless he explained telling anyone they are worthless, even if you don’t want to be their husband anymore. He said he used the Wong words, he should have said ass whole. Then he went to a room where during the affair, he would pick a fight and lock himself in and call her. I’ve told him that room is painful for me. Also, November 24 is the first night he had sex with her. That year, it was 2 days before Thanksgiving. Smells like he loves her

My spouse seems to be pretty mean when he’s going thru affair withdrawals. My spouse has also been having his affair for over 2yrs now. But it seems like every few months he starts hitting below the belt and getting more angry. All I can say is, if you have a way to find proof, do it! I always listen to my gut.

So....he had the affair, but you are worthless? That's very cruel. He is not remorseful and he's certainly not trying to help you heal. Please do not put up with that, it's complete bullcrap. I'm not sure my H would have a face left if he said that to me.

I told him he isn’t welcome at Thanksgiving unless he explained telling anyone they are worthless, even if you don’t want to be their husband anymore.

Oh, my gosh. Many years ago I was in a five-year relationship with an abuser, and I would do this--give him a pretend consequence (not invited to Thanksgiving) if he didn't make it right (explain or apologize) while saying things similar to, "even if you don't want to be my husband anymore." Basically feeling unloved over his behavior. And it is so hard to see you doing the same "I'm with an abuser" dance.

1. The only way to stop his insults is to leave him

2. Asking for explaining or apologizing after disrespect = you tolerating. When you tolerate, you get more.

3. You think he's acting this was because HE doesn't love YOU? That is low self-esteem talking. He is fully aware that you shouldn't love him, but he sees your low self-esteem when you say these things. And it brings him comfort, comfort that he can do what he wants and you'll stay.

Please leave him.

He cheated on you.

He calls you names.

Reject the abuser.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:47 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

you attacked me for trying to get you out of having to talk about it and still get my needs met.

Why are you trying to get him out of having to talk about it? Are his needs more important than yours?

Tyrate, cursing , name calling, and again worthless

Even without an affair, the above is unacceptable.

I would argue that you are not "worthless"... you are "worth more" than that.

Kaygem and OwningItNow have it right.... he is abusing you.

Twiggy- that was cruel of him to say that. You didn’t deserve those words. This week must be so tough for you besides the latest insult.

he is the type that in front of people he looks like the greatest husband. He buys me gifts, flowers, but then he says things that cut me to the core. When I get upset he points and says I’m crazy. He can point to the nice things he does. I have begged him to not get me gifts. I would rather he just be nice and respectful. He then says I’m not respectful. He can curse at me, but heaven forbid I get mad or sad about him cheating. The weather, most of all reminds me of when his affair started. And that thanksgiving, I didn’t have a clue. I never thought he would do this to me.

I am just curious why you would have wanted him to break up in front of you? I am not sure I have seen that as a suggestion. I hope you can let go of that. It is upsetting that he is being verbally abusive to you. I can understand that it bothers him to see you upset with those nasty triggers. But he has to accept your healing process. I do love that you give him a signal when you trigger. That is a wonderful idea. Are you in counseling? He seems to be carry guilt and is deflecting it on you.

Detach and 180 this abuser. Find YOU and make your entire world about you. Your WS is the one who is worthless!

Twiggy, giving you gifts and treating you very well around others is unfortunately very common for abusive people. It's called love bombing and I highly suggest you Google it. It's part of the cycle of abuse. If abusive people were mean all of the time, they wouldn't be able to keep any relationships.

It doesn't matter how long ago your DDay was. You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve to have your questions answered and to talk about it this far out. You do not deserve to be called names and treated poorly for bringing it up.

This is a quote from Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" which I recommend that you get a copy of if you can:

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”

he is the type that in front of people he looks like the greatest husband. He buys me gifts, flowers, but then he says things that cut me to the core. When I get upset he points and says I’m crazy. He can point to the nice things he does. I have begged him to not get me gifts. I would rather he just be nice and respectful. He then says I’m not respectful. He can curse at me, but heaven forbid I get mad or sad about him cheating. The weather, most of all reminds me of when his affair started. And that thanksgiving, I didn’t have a clue. I never thought he would do this to me.

As the quote goes.... fool me once, shame on you, fool me again shame on me....

You are now letting him do this to you.

I fully agree with OwningItNow's post

My husband has been quite nice since his affair four years ago.

That's "love-bombing". It's manipulative and controlling. It's aimed at getting you to run sweep what happened so that he doesn't have to do the real work of facing up to his own brokenness.

He always looks in more agony when I have triggers, so I tried to suggest a signal. Like when I’m triggering, I pull on my ear, and then he could reassure me without fearing a big discussion. He accused me of having a bad attitude, and ended with him telling me I was worthless.

You basically told him that you can't rug sweep everything as triggers are just a reality that you deal with (but that you were willing to let him off the hook through a signal). His response speaks volumes -- if you can't rug sweep everything, that isn't acceptable and that your value is solely based on his own comfort and convenience. I'm serious -- his assessment of you being "worthless" isn't actually about you at all. It is solely reflection of how incredibly broken he is and how he is willing to use verbal abuse to manipulate/control you.

he is the type that in front of people he looks like the greatest husband.

Exactly. He is all about himself. It is about controlling/manipulating everyone else into acting the way he wants them to.

Your H still has all of the broken characteristics that allowed him to have an affair in the first place. He isn't a safe partner for you and your own ability to heal is being blocked by his ongoing abuse.

You aren't worthless. However, your H is treating you that way and accepting it is toxic for you. Don't let him off with some half-apology or with some more love-bombing. Don't think about this as just one pre-Thanksgiving incident either. This is about your entire relationship with him and he needs to show an understanding that he is deeply broken and that he needs help.

Your WH is an ass. A supreme ass and I hope you tell him so.

He is NOT remorseful. If he was, he would not be capable of saying those things to you.

I would be starting D process in your shoes. At the very least, sit him down and tell him what an ass he is and why-tell him he is on thin ice.

Ok, Twiggy...based on what you have posted I'm going to boil this down to the simplicity of what I see.

You had a discussion with your H regarding giving him a sign for when you are feeling insecure/needing reassurance and he responds by telling you you are worthless.

Do you think this is a communication issue?? A choice of words issue??

What it would seem to me is that you are trying to convey a concept of empathy to your WH.

Can you see the futility in that?

Can you see that the basis of an affair requires a lack of empathy?

It's all the same thing. The end result is the same - you get hurt by his choices.

I'm sorry.

I agree with OwningItNow. Please re-read her post until it sinks in.