SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For a few weeks I suspected my wife was having an affair – all the usual classic signs.

To cut a long story short I caught her two days ago in her car with someone she knows from a kids club they run together. They had been in the exact spot for two days in a row before I caught them.

Anyway over the last two days the information has come out:-

– it started with external meetings about 8 weeks ago.

– they usual meet where he parks for work and they would talk for 30 minutes or so. They have also met for lunch.

– when we talked immediately after she said they kissed nearly every time but ‘not with tongues or anything’. She has now changed that to they had two pecks.

– she says that they just talked about normal stuff work, life, the kids club etc.

– she says that he made her feel like she could be herself and she has rewritten our history to say that she has been unhappy for a long time. I know this isn’t true really.

– she never once told me anything even though I repeatedly told her that I knew something was happening, even if it wasn’t affair. I even asked if it was the guy who it turned out to be.

– she lied and was deceitful and even played on my paranoia to throw me off the scent.

Anyway it is pretty clear she had an emotional affair with him and I think I caught it before it got sexual.

Now she is also claiming that they were just friends and the little ‘pecks’ just happened and shouldn’t have. She says the only thing she has done wrong is not tell me she was meeting him.

She is in denial and minimising it while also turning it into my fault. We are going to counselling but I can’t get over her approach to it all.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Thank you

If they've been meeting up it's physical.

I'm sorry you are here. Can you tell us a little more about yourself? Do you have children? How long have you been married?

Think logically: What would make you enter a parked car with another woman? At what point in your relationship with that woman would you think you needed that level of privacy to talk?

I am not initiating that this was sexual, but rather that your timeline is probably way off. But admittedly I think more happened than you have been told...

Is he married? If he is your absolute first step is to tell his wife.

NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you can do that will make this affair end quicker.

Just be factual:

“OM wife. My wife just admitted that for the last weeks she has joined your husband in his car for up to 30-40 minutes at lunch to talk. She admits they kissed but insists that’s the extent of their physical contact. My wife insists nothing more happened and that there is no affair ongoing. I think you need to know so you can talk to your husband about this. Here is my phone number/email if you want to contact me further on this issue”

And then wait for your wife to react.

We have been together for 17 years since 18.

We have 3 children and up until 4 weeks ago I never thought that she would cross the line like this. She has never gone close to the line, well not that I know of.

The thing that she doesn't get is I am happy to work on the marriage and situation as long as she admits what has actually happened and just be honest.

Hi d264p8,

As Bigger says, the most important thing to do is to inform the other man's wife or girlfriend. If there is a manager or a body that runs the kids club, can you report their inappropriate relationship to them?

Personally, I would start turning up unexpectedly at whatever spot they use to for their talks. If they start going somewhere else, what does that tell you?

Also, if you are not happy about these talks, it is within your rights to tell both of them that you want them to stop, and that if they don't, you will consult a lawyer about divorce. That should help to make it 'real' for both of them.

Whatever nonsense justification your wife is providing for sitting in a parked car with another man, you need to set out your boundaries, and let her know what will happen if she continues to cross them.

Trust your gut on this; that is how you caught them.

The thing that she doesn't get is I am happy to work on the marriage and situation as long as she admits what has actually happened and just be honest.

It is a classic thing for cheats to make up a load of bogus reasons to justify an affair. re-writing history is one of the top three. I believe that is what your wife has done. And if your wife genuinely has issues relating to the marriage...

(1) Is the man she parks and kisses an individual counsellor or marriage guidance counsellor?

(2) How does parking in a car with another car and kissing him help to improve the marriage?

(3) If your wife was so unhappy, why did she say nothing when you asked her if she was seeing someone else, even when you named the actual man concerned? Why did she not say, "Yes, I am talking to John about all the terrible problems with our marriage because he is a marriage guidance counsellor"?

(4)Why did these problems only get mentioned after you caught her in a car with another man?

Sorry if some of that is a bit blunt, but can you see how bogus the claims of marital unhappiness really are? How many marriage counsellors kiss their clients?

If you like, you can ask her to make a list of her issues, and offer to go into marriage counselling with her. See how she reacts.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:28 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

She is not telling you the truth. It has been more than 8 weeks and they did more than a peck on the cheek. Ask her, "if you did nothing wrong then how can it be my fault"? Its my fault that you did not tell me? Makes no sense. I believe she is having a full blown affair and they have already had sex. You caught them before they could do it again. Check her phone and her email account, if she has not erased the evidence already, and I bet you will find the evidence of a full blown affair. Also tell her that being unhappy does not give you a license to cheat. I never understood that excuse.

WS: I was unhappy in our marriage.

BS: Oh, ok then. I understand. Your affair makes sense now.

I hate that excuse. No she is cheating, she knows it, and she is trying to throw you off so she can have space enough to cheat. Next will be "I love you but not in love with you" line. Or maybe the "we should separate to save the marriage" line.

Sorry you are here d264p8, but you will receive good support. Your WW lied to you and went behind your back and cheated. Cheaters lie, a lot. At the present time she is not remorseful at all. You do not have the entire story. Do not allow her to blameshifting for her deceitful behavior nothing you did in your M caused her to cheat. This is very typical cheater bullshit rationalization. You were in the same M and did not cheat. She has lots of legitimate options to address any marital issues without cheating.

Please read the material in the healing library. Also, read and implement the 180. It is a tactic not meant to punish her but to allow you to detach and heal to collect your thoughts on what you want moving forward. You do not have to be mean or nasty, but stop engaging with her and doing things for her. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster to process the pain from her betrayal. You need to process the pain, not avoid it, and do not let her rugsweep her betrayal. She needs to own her shit! Good luck.

She is no longer meeting with him. She has enabled Find My Friend on her phone.

It isn't their future relationship I am worried about it is her approach to it. She has just reiterated again that she is sorry for not telling me that she was meeting him but not for being friends.

[This message edited by d264p8 at 8:55 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Sorry you are here. This site is a great resource for you to find your bearings. Read much and take advantage of the resources here.

Sadly, I think your wife is lying to you. It's most likely she has done more than share a few pecks with this guy. Follow your gut. Her behavior betrays the lies. She's gas lighting you big time. She's not sure what exactly you know, so she's going to try her best to minimize things and turn it back around on you.

Keep digging. Don't believe anything she's saying right now. If this other guy is married, you will want to reach out to his spouse. She may also already suspect, and may have evidence to back up the suspicions of an affair.

The truth sucks, but you've got to get to it no matter what this means for the viability of your marriage. Don't let your WW turn this back around on you.

d264p8, sorry infidelity has happened to you. It is one of the worst situations a person is put through. Know that you are among the most understanding people in the world with regard to infidelity. We don't hold back on the truths. That said, when waywards start rewriting the marital history it generally means the affair has gone physical already. The rewrite process is to quell the cognitive dissonance in their heads. They KNOW what they did is wrong and they are seeking the "right" in it by vilifying you and the history she has with you.

At this point, you will get the blameshifting , denials, outright lies (as already happening) and the gaslighting. Best defense against this (and preservation of truth and your sanity) is to read up on the healing library located on the left if this page and look into whats called the 180. There is a short version as well that's posted in here somewhere.

I think in your case, if you have enough evidence that you are convinced an affair is happening, just simply call her out on it. You dont have to tell her how you specifically know (in fact we strongly suggest you not divulge) other than say something like "It's clear as day you are engaged in an affair. It is also clear as day you have crossed boundaries into making it physical. Let me make this very clear. I do NOT accept having a third person in this marriage and will be taking the necessary steps to remove myself from this situation. You will be sleeping in (the living room, basement, attic, garage, etc) while I sleep in the master bedroom because it isn't me that's breaking marital vows and screwing people outside this marriage. If you are at all interested in staying in this marriage then the affair MUST end first."

You should also prepare your list of requirements for reconciliation as well, explained in the healing library. Other than that, I'm not much of an R (reconciliation) person so my own expertise stops short there. There are other members who are very good at guiding you the rest of the way on what to do if you do choose to R.

What I can tell you that is universal is to never, ever do the "pick me" dance with your WW (wayward wife). It only solidifies her marital rewrite. Also, betrayed partners who put their foot down and are willing to lose the marriage in order to save it usually are the ones who get to determine R or D (divorce).

d264: If the other man is married, you should discreetly reach out to his wife to discuss what you know. She can be a good ally in terms of gathering information. From your OP, it sounds like you were able to actually physically confront your WW and the POSOM alone together in a car. She ought to know that her husband is secretly meeting with another woman, alone in a car.

As others have said, it is very common for wayward spouses to lie, deflect, and minimize. How often do unrelated married adults sneak around and spend time together in a car in a secret location just to talk. At this point, trust nothing she says. You are in information-gathering mode.

Consider putting a voice-activated recorder in her car. It's likely she is having conversations with somebody about this.

The thing that she doesn't get.....

She gets it. She just does not care.

She has just reiterated again that she is sorry for not telling me that she was meeting him but not for being friends

No remorse. Not even regret. You need to read up on the 180. Detach from her emotionally. Get some clarity.

There’s more to this story, I’m afraid.

Inform his wife, immediately, without your wife or the AP knowing in advance.

Find my friend on her phone?

If there is a way, there is a will.

Forgot her phone at her desk. Call forwarding to burner phone. I was in a meeting dear and couldn’t get the phone…

Please d264p8 – Don’t fall into the trap of reading what you want out of what’s going on, but rather reach a sensible, logical deduction.

Please don't rug sweep this affair because you are sure it's over. Please notify the OM wife with what you know (don't tell your wife you are doing this prior). You might find out she has been suspicious also and you might get more of the story. This more than anything will ensure that contact is broken. It's the right thing to do. If the OBS found out what you know and kept it from you how would you feel... especially in a month when you find out they have found other ways to contact each other. You will have two sets of eyes watching them. My guess is that your WW is backpeddling on her story to keep you from telling the OBS. She is lying to you to protect him (OM). Putting his needs over yours. Please tell the OBS and don't tell WW you are going to do this. Don't try to blackmail the OM by saying you are going to tell. Don't try to get your WW to tell the OBS. Just do it. Use the script Bigger gave you. That should be number one on your to do list if you want to get out of infidelity.

Also couples counseling when she isn't admitting anything (the truth) will just be a talk about the things you could do to improve the marriage. It will be frustrating having two people gang up on you and say that "they were just talking" and "friends" when you know there was more.

She is downplaying the affair because she wants to continue to have contact with him. 8 weeks and you caught them in the car together I don't believe it's over.

What do phone records show? does she keep her phone on her at all time? Is it locked? have you checked her messages/deleted messages?

You might want to consider hiding a VAR in her car if you think they might be meeting/talking in her car.

Several questions:

- What kind of location you found them at? (i.e. is it a public place or secluded one)

- Have you seen their correspondence?

- Does your WW allow you to look at her phone?

- She deleted everything? (Run Dr Fone or some other recovery software on her phone to retrieve deleted texts)

- Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in her car (look up instructions how to secure it)

I'm asking this because you need to be cautious. In "cheater-speak" "We kissed once" usually means "We fucked. A lot" (my case included, under "Nothing physical, not even a kiss, swear on our kids' lives" there were two APs and 20+ fucks using her every hole in a space of 3 months).

You are taking far too soft approach to this.

That is probably why she is having the reaction, he was just a friend blah blah.

Please take some time to find some strength in yourself, then lay some firm boundaries, and expectations moving forward.

I encourage all newbies to do the following for their own well being.

1. See an attorney. Find out your rights, her obligations and what D may look like for you. You cannot make an informed decision on staying with her or leaving without fulling understanding the impact those choices will have. Seeing an attorney helps to bring some clarity.

2. Get yourself STD tested. Demand she do the same, if they only kissed she should be hopping at the opportunity to prove she didn't take things further. Also if she does it, you don't have unprotected sex until you see the all clear report from the Dr. Don't take her word for it, she is a known liar now.

3. Figure out what your point of no return is, and what you need from her moving forward to be a safe partner. The number one thing is she needs IC to figure out why she walked this path, and why she thinks it's no big deal. Trust me if man that I thought was a friend attempted to kiss me, he would not longer be a friend. Most sane married women would feel similarly.

What are your dealbreakers. What are the consequences for not following through on the things you need from her to be safe partner? Figure these things out.

Lastly you need to be very cautious that this is over just like that. I would put a gps on her car. Find my phone has too many ways to work around. GPS on the car will show you where she is.

This stuff is hard, and crushing. Be sure you are taking care of yourself. Eating healthy, staying hydrated, staying away from excess alcohol, getting some exercise, clearing your mind. Be kind to you. Do one thing that is just for you and you alone every single day.

I'm sorry you are here.

Gently, there is no way it hasn't become physical. You both need to be tested for STDs.

Stop the counseling immediately. There's no point if she's just going to continue to blame you for something that is 100% on her.

If she was so unhappy for so long, she could have put on her big girl panties and told you so so that together you could have addressed the issues. Now, she's rewriting the marital history, which is so common it's cliche.

Actions you can take right now:

1) put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car.

2) ask her to hand over her phone. If she hesitates or balks - the affair is ongoing.

3) demand STD tests.

4) Tell the OBS - and DO NOT tell your WW you are doing so.

[This message edited by nutmegkitty at 10:32 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Is he married, or not?

Verify this information, make a call to his wife.

Don't let that slide, you'll be damn sorry later if you do.

Sorry you are here for the reasons you are. A few thoughts:

1) The probabilities would suggest there is more to this than what you have been told. Read the countless posts here about the truth being withheld. Maybe you are the special one, that has all the details in 2 short days since finding out, but I highly doubt it.

2) The following comment is a HUGE RED FLAG.

She is in denial and minimising it while also turning it into my fault.

3) What matters is what you feel is wrong.

She says the only thing she has done wrong is not tell me she was meeting him.

4) If the comment below means MC, I would not suggest that now. I would certainly suggest she go to IC and figure out what's going on in her head. If you go to MC now, I would bet it won't be effective and she'll be blaming you for the things you haven't being doing, according to her.

We are going to counselling but I can’t get over her approach to it all.

5) I think your making a very hasty decision and being "happy" to work on the M. I'm not saying you shouldn't but if you jump in straight away like this you are sending a very CLEAR message to her, that everything she has done is OK and there are no consequences and you'll wind up in false R and or she'll do this again cause she knows nothing will happen.

The thing that she doesn't get is I am happy to work on the marriage and situation as long as she admits what has actually happened and just be honest.

I suggest you check out the healing library. Specifically the 180 and boundaries. You need to take action or she never will.