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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Just Found Out :
I think my wife is cheating!

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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

I'm leaning toward what twisted posted in that she may enjoy flirting with other men because their attention gives her validation that she's desirable. She may not have always been that way? Perhaps it developed due to the type of people who frequent bars and the accompanying compliments? That would explain the grumpiness as she's losing that dopamine increase. It's definitely something to watch out for and perhaps a void that you could fill so she's not looking elsewhere for it.

I believe your actions have been appropriate for your situation. Getting yourselves on the same work schedule should do great things for your relationship. Keep moving forward. You're doing great.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8312404
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:11 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Oooohhhh!

Look!

A miracle!

Yet another slice of toast with a picture of Jesus!

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13195   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8312408
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 3:29 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

You're hilarious Bigger.

I forgot to mention that I think Bigger is correct about finances being a relationship killer. That could also be the cause of her grumpiness. Eliminating that concern helps immensely in increasing the harmony in the home. Open communication is paramount too.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:33 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8312418
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Career / job changes are listed as a Top Five stress moment in a person's life. Occam's Razor - that's why her behavior has shifted.

posts: 1788   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8312464
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

As some who worked in the food/bar world as a youngster I learned that being the bartender was part performance and part work.

Does anybody think the bartender (male or female) gives a rats ass about why a customer is in the bar or what they did today or "how's things going" . Nope it's part of the act. Just like taking off or wearing a ring is part of the act.

Maybe being in LA I am jaded but 90% of the bartenders are actors. The better they involve the customer the better the tips because the half drunk customer thinks either there's a chance with the hot bartender or the guy really cares about your woes.

Moving from bartender to cashier is going make anyone depressed, if they are used to feeling important.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8312473
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 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Thanks, everyone for your input. I think I'm just being insecure, and really a lot of this is because of poor communication, which is something we both need to work on. But I don't think she is cheating after a discussion last night. We're looking at other apartments that are cheaper. There are some decent 1 bedroom places, while not as large or as fancy, would be upwards of 25 to 30% cheaper. She started her job yesterday and she says she doesn't like it, so is looking to find a better job as soon as possible. I'll probably bow out unless something else changes because right now I'm as confident as I can be that she is faithful.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 11:59 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8312482
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notanotherchance ( member #46677) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Any woman who works as a bartender is going to get hit on, regularly. If they are very attractive then doubly so.

They would not have a job for long if they told every Don Juan who hit on them to F..k off and as such this is what it will continue to be like as long as she continues in that profession.

I don't believe your W has strayed, or even contemplated it. If she wanted to cheat she would no matter what job she had. Its more of a trust issue.

That being said I would not like to see my wife as a bartender (If I was still M) and would tell her so & let her make the decision, demanding or insisting change can come across as controlling & lead to resentment creating a rift in your M.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:49 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

posts: 591   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2015   ·   location: Overseas
id 8312483
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 6:10 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Thanks for the update. Good luck. Keep on keepin on.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3992   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8312489
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 6:38 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

Joe,

I've said this before and now I am even more sure. I don't think there is Infidelity here. Your wife quit her job when you asked almost immediately and found another one. She is working in a job she doesn't like until she finds one she does. This is not the behavior of someone that is in an Affair if they are meeting the AP on the job. She also took less money and is going to move with you to a smaller place to make up for that. Again, this is not the behavior of someone in an A.

You said several times that your wife is not tech savvy and you have looked at her electronic communications, even recovered deleted messages, and found nothing. Either she is secretly tech savvy and you don't know it or THERE IS NOTHING TO FIND.

I'm going with nothing to find and with that I am going to give you a little advice. You need to relax your suspicion and look at what this woman did for you to make you feel more secure. She changed a lot of her life for you. I think continued suspicion and treating her like she is cheating will only serve to drive her away. Having this kind of jealousy all of the time is exhausting. It also reflects a poor sense of self-confidence which is not a turn-on for most women. Just relax. We always say on here to not believe the words just watch the actions and that works for the positive as well as the negative. Your wife's actions are showing you that she loves you. Relax and do the same.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8312507
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