Yes – you two have border issues. Clarify that with communications and establishing good borders. What is acceptable to both of you and what is the correct procedure for stuff like if you have female friends, she male friends, invites to parties and so on.
I’m going to make a non-infidelity but strongly relationship-building-based suggestion:
You two look SERIOUSLY into your finances. If you two have a hard time coping as a couple with no kids and 2 jobs… What will happen 2-3 years from now when she’s home with a newborn? THIS – when it’s only you two – is the time to establish financial behaviour, goals and procedures.
This was great peace of advice and we really talked about it last night. We aren't necessarily poor but we aren't rich. When we moved into our place we were accustomed to a certain way of living. We have our rent which is on the upper side of average for a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom condo, and we have two cars, full coverage insurance on both, we have a car loan, and since neither of our jobs offers health insurance we had to get private insurance which is quite expensive.
WE don't really argue much about money, and we dealt fine when I was out of work. Got a roommate, cut back on expenses. But I know she missed all the extras we had. So it's what justified her doing a little flirting to get tips so we, in her words could help us maintain that lifestyle.
Anyway, last night we talked, and I asked straight up if there was something going on between her and the bartender. She said they were friends, and they worked together a lot and have a few good laughs but that was the gist of it.
We talked about her job and I told her I thought her finding a new job, working days would be better. I said I felt like we acting more like roommates with benefits then in a marriage. She said that most jobs that'll pay her close to waht she is making now are only at night. Which is true. She only has customer service experience, and she is really good with people and makes good tips. But I told her that It'd be nice to spend some quality time with her. That we could juggle our social life, our work life, personal time, and together time more efficiently if we had similar schedules.
She did do a little bit of job searching at full time, daytime positions. The ones she qualified for would be around minimum wage with no tips. I told her that we'd make it work. I even suggested we could move. While the 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo was nice, we could find a 1 bedroom, 1 bath or even 2 bedrooms 1 bath in a different area in the city for five hundred less every month. We could cut out cable, and stick to Netflix. There were little things we could cut out so we could spend more on things we do enjoy doing.
I told her again, that if she wasn't happy being married I'd let her go. A divorce wouldn't be difficult. We each have a car. We'd split the little savings we have, split the small car loan (I had paid off my car last year, and we plan on paying off her car loan this year) we have and go our separate ways. She said that she didn't want that and wished I would stop bringing it up.
So after a long, and I mean long discussion we came to some understanding. She is going to quit her job. She is nervous about going to work anyway with the drunk guy lurking. She drafted up a 2 weeks noticed, and will be going vigilante on job hunting. She had no problem finding a job when needed. In the meantime were going to look into cheaper rentals.
I'm going to keep my eyes on things, but I'm not going to dwell. Because besides her being a total jerk, and disregarding my feelings, I have nothing to prove she is cheating, just that she is cutting close.
[This message edited by GamerJoe at 1:46 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]