Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Just Found Out :
I think my wife is cheating!

This Topic is Archived
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:20 AM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

If this was a religious site, you could post 1000 pictures of toast and someone would see Jesus-pictures on each slice.

I think – based on what you have shared – that there is no infidelity here.

I have to say as someone that worked in an environment where you dealt with drunk people all the time that a smile and even flirting could get you the results you wanted faster and easier than a choke-hold and cuffs. Still went home alone.

Yes – you two have border issues. Clarify that with communications and establishing good borders. What is acceptable to both of you and what is the correct procedure for stuff like if you have female friends, she male friends, invites to parties and so on.

I’m going to make a non-infidelity but strongly relationship-building-based suggestion:

You two look SERIOUSLY into your finances. If you two have a hard time coping as a couple with no kids and 2 jobs… What will happen 2-3 years from now when she’s home with a newborn? THIS – when it’s only you two – is the time to establish financial behavior, goals and procedures. Keep in mind that finances kill more marriages than any other factor. Infidelity included.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13195   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8308004
default

Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 11:05 AM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

This^^^^^^^^^^

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3818   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8308008
default

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 11:50 AM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Were you aware that your wife didn't wear her rings at work before going there that first night? Were her rings always on her finger when she came home from work?

What I'm getting at is about keeping secrets in a marriage. Especially secrets that are kept because the secretive spouse knows the other spouse would not approve. That is suspicious behaviour.

I don't know if your wife was/is cheating or not. But I do believe your gut was telling you something. Something was off. I would suggest that you don't let down your guard.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4720   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8308020
default

 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 7:43 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Yes – you two have border issues. Clarify that with communications and establishing good borders. What is acceptable to both of you and what is the correct procedure for stuff like if you have female friends, she male friends, invites to parties and so on.

I’m going to make a non-infidelity but strongly relationship-building-based suggestion:

You two look SERIOUSLY into your finances. If you two have a hard time coping as a couple with no kids and 2 jobs… What will happen 2-3 years from now when she’s home with a newborn? THIS – when it’s only you two – is the time to establish financial behaviour, goals and procedures.

This was great peace of advice and we really talked about it last night. We aren't necessarily poor but we aren't rich. When we moved into our place we were accustomed to a certain way of living. We have our rent which is on the upper side of average for a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom condo, and we have two cars, full coverage insurance on both, we have a car loan, and since neither of our jobs offers health insurance we had to get private insurance which is quite expensive.

WE don't really argue much about money, and we dealt fine when I was out of work. Got a roommate, cut back on expenses. But I know she missed all the extras we had. So it's what justified her doing a little flirting to get tips so we, in her words could help us maintain that lifestyle.

Anyway, last night we talked, and I asked straight up if there was something going on between her and the bartender. She said they were friends, and they worked together a lot and have a few good laughs but that was the gist of it.

We talked about her job and I told her I thought her finding a new job, working days would be better. I said I felt like we acting more like roommates with benefits then in a marriage. She said that most jobs that'll pay her close to waht she is making now are only at night. Which is true. She only has customer service experience, and she is really good with people and makes good tips. But I told her that It'd be nice to spend some quality time with her. That we could juggle our social life, our work life, personal time, and together time more efficiently if we had similar schedules.

She did do a little bit of job searching at full time, daytime positions. The ones she qualified for would be around minimum wage with no tips. I told her that we'd make it work. I even suggested we could move. While the 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo was nice, we could find a 1 bedroom, 1 bath or even 2 bedrooms 1 bath in a different area in the city for five hundred less every month. We could cut out cable, and stick to Netflix. There were little things we could cut out so we could spend more on things we do enjoy doing.

I told her again, that if she wasn't happy being married I'd let her go. A divorce wouldn't be difficult. We each have a car. We'd split the little savings we have, split the small car loan (I had paid off my car last year, and we plan on paying off her car loan this year) we have and go our separate ways. She said that she didn't want that and wished I would stop bringing it up.

So after a long, and I mean long discussion we came to some understanding. She is going to quit her job. She is nervous about going to work anyway with the drunk guy lurking. She drafted up a 2 weeks noticed, and will be going vigilante on job hunting. She had no problem finding a job when needed. In the meantime were going to look into cheaper rentals.

I'm going to keep my eyes on things, but I'm not going to dwell. Because besides her being a total jerk, and disregarding my feelings, I have nothing to prove she is cheating, just that she is cutting close.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 1:46 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8308250
default

beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Joe,

I think this is a good outcome. As Bigger says the folks on here tend to see infidelity under every rock. I know I do and it is hard to overcome that bias. Good luck to you both. I hope that this allows the two of you to grow in your communication.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8308259
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 8:16 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

I’m glad you are talking more openly and honestly with her. If you both want the marriage then communication in this way will be very important going forward.

Was she ok with getting on the same schedule so you could have time together for living life and be with each other? Was she thinking that was a good idea? Before she wasn’t too keen on spending time with you, do you feel that has changed?

Everyone needs alone time, but if you don’t want to spend most of your time with your spouse, then why be married. That doesn’t sound satisfying at all.

Hopefully she now sees you as someone to enjoy speding her life with.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3694   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8308265
default

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 8:42 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Have you or your wife read "NOT Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass? I recommend it.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4720   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8308290
default

toby ( member #10337) posted at 10:36 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Years ago I was going through something very similar. My gut was telling me something wasn’t right, the red flags, just.......something. I started VAr’n the landline( no cell phones back then). I recorded for six months and not a damn thing. My wife came to me on feb 3, 2000 and ask me iwhat I thought about her quitting her job. I knew she didn’t like working there(boss, coworkers etc). I said sure, stay home, we can manage with my income.

That same day she went to work and quit. Her supervisor didn’t want to lose her, so she gave my wife an extended leave instead. She never told me. Anyway, at the time I was happy for my wife. She seemed liked a load was of her shoulder, she was happy.

Feb 10, 2000, on my day off, I listened to the prior day recording. My wife had gone to her moms. First call she made was to the OM, telling him how she was enjoying her days off, but was going back to work on Monday. News to me. Anyway confronted her and years later were still together.

Moral of my story. Always trust your gut!!

The OM was not a coworker, but someone she new from high school who’s dad own a restaurant and delivered food to her work.

posts: 1774   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8308333
default

 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 5:42 AM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

So she quit her job on Sunday night. She found a part-time job, working 2nd shift 3-11, 2 days a week, and one daytime shift, on Saturday, as a cashier. She says she'll keep her eyes peeled for a better day time job. But I've noticed since she has quit that she is grumpy. Maybe it is because money will be tight, or because we have started looking at other apartments, but deep in my gut, something is bothering me. I thought I had put this behind me, but that feeling of something not right is back.

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8311620
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 8:43 AM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Sounds like her need for ego kibble is not going to be met at her new job.

Trust your gut.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1656   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8311641
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 8:43 AM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by ramius at 2:44 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1656   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8311642
default

 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 8:56 AM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Sounds like her need for ego kibble is not going to be met at her new job.

Trust your gut.

She doesn't start the job until tomorrow officially as she literally just got hired today.

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8311643
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:45 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Maybe ask her what’s bothering her. Thank her for doing something to help strengthen your marriage.

Keep having discussions.

Don’t know your work situation but can you perhaps match her shift times so that you can have more time together in the morning/early afternoon?

Keep talking.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3694   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8311706
default

 GamerJoe (original poster member #69018) posted at 2:19 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Don’t know your work situation but can you perhaps match her shift times so that you can have more time together in the morning/early afternoon?

I work 8 to 5, Monday to Thursday and Friday from 8 am to 2:30 pm. I'm a supervisor so there is no flexibility to change. I have steady hours and one promotion away from having benefits. It makes more sense for her to find a job to match.

Me: 33 Her: 29
Married June 2011
December 2018: Flirting with customers at bar
August 2019: she sexting a co-worker
\

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018
id 8311719
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:57 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Ok understood.

But I still recommend keeping the lines of communication open and praising when she does something pro-marriage and of course expressing concern when she does something that makes you feel unsafe.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3694   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8311740
default

twisted ( member #8873) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

I'm thinking she is regretting losing a job where she has the ability to interact in a flirty way, which may have become her nature. As a bartender she has the ability to live a little fantasy life away from the marriage where she can act single and available, and that's much more exciting than a cashier job.

Unfortunately, the fantasy life is not conducive to a healthy marriage. I'd hope you'd address that directly so she can see the potential trouble it causes, and to help change her behavior.

Some will never admit to themselves they are actually married, and that means quit acting single.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:36 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

posts: 4023   ·   registered: Nov. 18th, 2005   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 8311778
default

toby ( member #10337) posted at 4:28 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

I think Twisted right. My wife’s EA was conducted during the work week from her office. Come the weekend, she be grumpy and short with the kids and very hostile towards me. By Monday, she be all happy again. Yeah. Some cheaters are not that good at compartmentizing their emotions.

[This message edited by toby at 10:31 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

posts: 1774   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8311808
default

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, January 10th, 2019

Just in case, have her read "Not Just Friends", or read it together, bartending and cashiers are jobs where people interact a lot with regular customers and there's always the potential to develop a bond if strong boundaries are not in place, she demonstrated she had loose boundaries by removing her wedding ring and flirting.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8311861
default

beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 1:24 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

I think we need to be careful here, because aside from demonstrating some boundary issues (the flirting for tips, taking off the ring), there is no evidence that she has been unfaithful and in fact, has been really receptive to GamerJoe's comments and concerns when he communicated them to her. She even quit her job pretty much immediately. So, I think personally that calling her a 'cheater' isn't exactly appropriate here?

There's no real evidence that she has been unfaithful. Are we all just going to give him advice while working under the automatic assumption that she IS or WAS cheating, but he just hasn't proven it yet? I don't think that's right. In fact, I feel like it's potentially damaging to them moving on from their issues. But that's just my opinion, I'm not trying to stomp on anyone's input.

GamerJoe, my personal take, for what it's worth (and I'm offering this input under the assumption that she has NOT been unfaithful), is that change is hard. Even if it's change for the better, or a change that was wanted, it can be jarring for a person, and a new job situation is sort of a big change. Some folks handle change better than others. You mentioned before that she had a hard time dealing with the changes that happened when you switched jobs, Gamer - she admitted to you that it was an adjustment, and she did get better eventually.

Yes, trust your gut. But don't let it drive you insane, seeing things that may not really be there, you know? Keep those lines of communication open, just like others have said - be honest with her about what you're feeling and continue being receptive to her feelings, too. Just my two cents!

I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.

posts: 318   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Chicago
id 8312348
default

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 1:48 PM on Friday, January 11th, 2019

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3992   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8312367
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy