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Good. The thing is you shouldn't have to tell her how to act.

Hope it works out for you.

Great work. Never let any piece of shit put you down. Your wife admired your response and resolve. That would have been attractive to her.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:15 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

As others have probably suggested, Move into a less expensive rental and have her get a different job. The different job won't stop a person from cheating if they're hell-bent on doing it, but it can potentially provide less opportunity and less alcohol with which to dull the senses. Take care of yourself.

Well done!

I feel bad for not waiting until her shift was over to go home. After I left drunk guy made a scene, literally. He was making sexual crude jokes toward her and had to be escorted out. She called to have me make sure she got home safely but now is afraid to go work there. So I'm either going to go there at the end of each of her shifts to make sure he doesn't follow her home until she finds a different job, or she quits and I just figure out how to pay our bills until she finds another job.

Don't feel bad. For tips, she allowed the guy to think that he had a shot with a single woman and then she showed up with her wedding ring and her husband appeared, and it crushed his drunken dream of laying her some day. He now sees her as a cock tease, which she was, and is pissed off. What did she expect would happen when truth finally hit the fan?

I have to agree with the others here, her removing her wedding ring in an effort "lead a few drunks along" to make more money seems a little sleazy.

I'm not sure I could deal with my wife being in a bartender environment. This will not bode well in the long term.

I don't know if your wife is having an Affair, it doesn't seem like it to me but she does act like she is single so who knows. Certainly the drunk regular at the bar wants more from her than another beer but I think things would have proceeded differently if they were involved. I would ask you wife though if anyone was at the after-party at the co-workers besides other employees but I don't think he is your guy if she is having an Affair. Having worked at restaurants and been around that life before if she is then it is likely someone she works with and not a customer. Bars tend to develop a little culture between the employees that breeds relationships.

What I do think though is that neither you nor your wife are acting particularly like married people. I am older than you so perhaps I am just completely out of touch but going to other people's houses after work and drinking until you can't drive home, staying somewhere until 6AM, staying out like that after knowing your spouse just left you upset, etc. All of those things are not the signs of a healthy marriage relationship. I think you both need to talk about your expectations for a marriage. Your wife acts like a single woman to me. You act a bit like a BF not a husband. I would have been livid to wake up to that phone call that you got to come pick her up the morning after.

You two could use some time with a counselor I think to see if you have the same ideas about what a marriage is and to establish some boundaries and ground rules. She needs to stop going to after-work parties without you, you need to look at your game habits and see if you need to cut back and the two of you need to start planning to have time together not apart. Working different shifts is really tough but it is not an excuse to lead separate lives.

I would ask you wife though if anyone was at the after-party at the co-workers besides other employees but I don't think he is your guy if she is having an Affair. Having worked at restaurants and been around that life before if she is then it is likely someone she works with and not a customer. Bars tend to develop a little culture between the employees that breeds relationships.

Gamerjoe needs to know EVERYONE who was there, not just non-employees. As you stated it is more likely that if something is going on, it will be with a coworker.

Time spent together, bonding over facing drunk idiots + a dark environment and readily available copious amounts of alcohol makes for a dangerous atmosphere regarding infidelity.

As a matter of fact, the male bartender who stated that Gamerjoe's wife talks about him often would be my prime suspect - even if he has a girlfriend or wife.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:58 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Gamerjoe need to know EVERYONE who was there, not just non-employees.

I agree with that but I was trying to get him to narrow it down. If his W is having an Affair, and it is not clear to me that she is, then the AP was at that party I would bet. I think this focus on the drunk customer is something of a smoke screen. As I said and you supported, the AP, if he/she exists, is most likely another employee at the bar.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 11:50 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Forget about what your wife said at the bar the night you surprised her and look at her actions. You busted her flirting, without her ring, gave you a “look” when she sees you, aggressively confronts you, the “drunk” tells you to fuck off, she doesn’t go home after work, gets drunk at coworkers house.

I wouldn’t dismiss this “drunk” so fast. Why would he tell you to fuck off if doesn’t even know you?

And now with what happened after you left?

I get a feeling things are going to get real pretty soon. Watch your wife like a hawk for the next couple of days!

Gamer,

Unfortunately, this type of action/responses comes with the territory...perhaps you can work out appropriate safe guards/boundaries ie picking her up etc that would help. It feels like you were able to highlite things with her that may have avoided huge concerns to follow.

In my younger days, I worked as a doorman at a bar. Was married with two children. I lasted 2 days. First day I felt uncomfortable with all the going on's there, the amount of beautiful women that paraded themselves. Second day, enjoyed it. Gratefully, I reevaluated and thought to myself 'this change,can't be good'. The environment there was rife for infidelity. I never went back.

At the end of the day, its an exercise for us all to keep working on our relationship, and being honest and open in our communication.

[This message edited by paboy at 1:17 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Hi Joe

Thanks for the updates.

I hope you are able to have an honest talk with her today like I and others here have described for you. Maybe even write down some bullet points of things you want to get across and discuss with her.

Also as others have alluded to its perhaps a good time to discuss your lifestyle as a couple.

While you are both still young, at some point it’s harmful to a marriage for one person out of a couple to be out partying until 5 in the morning on multiple nights a week like high schoolers or college kids. At some point you will need to find a more mature outlet for your energy that doesn’t include drinking until the week hours of the morning.

This should be something you work to agree on, otherwise insecurities will flourish.

Finally, as I mentioned before, trying to be closer on the same scheduling allows for intimacy in a relationship to grow as you spend time together.

I know you used to be apart more, and she got used to that, but I’d ask her what she really wants from this marriage. If it’s not being together with her spouse more than just a few hours a week, then perhaps you guys aren’t matched up well enough.

Please really think about and discuss it.

Keep up good communication with her. I hope it is just as she said, it took her a while to get used to having you at home more. A new job for her will help.

I believe if my WH had communicated better with me his A would not have happened.

I agree with the folks who say things here seem off. Her reaction the first night was the most genuine one, that was the one before she had time to think about things and adjust to you "knowing".

You should also ask yourself why and how drunk guy knew who you were and instantly reacted belligerent. If you were never there before and he should not know you!

Further, instead of coming home and discussing this with you instantly. Because this was a pretty big mess. She went to an after party, got drunk with some people and only later called you to fetch her as convenient shuttle service.

I'd also not trust the bartender, I've been friends with too many of them in the past for that.

I only have a quick ten minutes break so going to make this quick. I just wanted to clear up I don't play video games all the time. I play video games mainly when my wife is at work and the gym. When we're both homes, my attention is on her. I want to tell her I think us both working the day shift would help a lot. So she can still have time to hang out with friends, we spend time together and alone time. Because I do think the opposite shifts, do conflict a lot.

As for who was at this party, she told me who was there. It was at her co-worker's house, and both of them were off at 2, and when I went there at six to get her, not a lot of people were there. So it's plausible it was only a little get together as she claims. I don't know for sure. I mean she did tell me where she was, the address, and had me come pick her up. I hope going forward things like this won't happen again.

I'm going to act vigilante without looking like I suspect her of cheating. Because I know cheaters if they feel like their spouses are suspicious they will start hiding things. But I am going to talk to her because there was some things left unsaid from yesterday.

You should also ask yourself why and how drunk guy knew who you were and instantly reacted belligerent. If you were never there before and he should not know you!

I don't think the drunk guy knew or heard of me before that night. When I went there last night, he accused me of being a killjoy and ruining his good night, by upsetting the bartender. It was after I told him to back off, he mumbled something about her being married and storming off all mad. And if she were to cheat on me, it wouldn't be with him. Balding, fat, forty-something-year-old man

I'd also not trust the bartender, I've been friends with too many of them in the past for that.

She did say she didn't like her job. So I'm going to bring up her quitting and finding another job as soon as possible. I did see her be friendly, talking with this one co-worker before. Despite working at a bar, she really doesn't drink much. They aren't allowed to drink on the job, and she does drive herself home. So it's entirely possible. But if nothing is going on, and they just get along as they work together, then she shouldn't be upset or make excuses.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 2:29 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Balding, fat, forty-something-year-old man

People have cheated with uglier and more surprising sorts, so that's not really a knock out argument for that.

When I went there last night, he accused me of being a killjoy

I was refering primarily to the first night. You arrived and he immediatly got belligerent with you in short order. A guy who should not have known you nor have a reason to pick a fight with you. Also him calling you a killjoy might be about your wife changing your behaviour and how she acts after you "found out".

As for who was at this party, she told me who was there. It was at her co-worker's house, and both of them were off at 2, and when I went there at six to get her, not a lot of people were there. So it's plausible it was only a little get together as she claims.

Remember this is my personal opinion. None of this really is an excuse. Was the co-worker the other bartender by any chance too?

No matter what, she had you walk in on her appropriately, be verbally attacked and leave in obvious anger. Her reaction to that was, to go to a party and get hammered with "the cool people". She only contacted you when she needed a ride home. When she should've been worried about you and your reaction and headed straight home, I know I would be in that situation.

It doesn't matter if it was a little get together, just a few guys from works and other friends. The context, her priorities, who was there should be whats important. Her now offering to quit the job also isn't really that much of a point in her favour.

It feels more like she was caught in the act, which she was and now is trying to get out of that situation asap. Possibly before you might question more stuff, keep showing up to there or even ask to be included in "friend" events where other guys are in attendance.

We here at SI have seen more than a few of these cases, your radar has gone off, and you are left wondering if your paranoid, or justified in your spidey senses alerts. I can't tell at this point, but I'd trust your radar for now. Many of us have been fooled for a long time for various reasons of blindness.

You are now aware, so keep vigilant.

You busted her flirting, without her ring, gave you a “look” when she sees you, aggressively confronts you, the “drunk” tells you to fuck off, she doesn’t go home after work, gets drunk at coworkers house.

Sums it up pretty well.

I am not sure if she was having an affair. Perhaps laying the groundwork.

But she was having some fun. Flirting, presenting herself as single and interested. She got a little ego boost as well as some money. Making a buck while getting affirmation, no wonder she was pissed you showed up. And then she threw her, “I am going to take my ball and leave” hissy fit by going to her friends house to get drunk.

And her answer for all this:

That she just found me being home all the time a huge adjustment. She admitted after a few months of me being back, and she got used to being around me every day that the excitement started to waver. SHe said that when I worked on the road, she looked forward to seeing me, and when I was home for a week, she would get excited and would feel butterflies.

Yea, that sounds totally legit.

She told me that she loved me and loved being married to me.

This ^^^^^^ means absolutely nothing. Every WW on the Wayward forum says this same thing. And yet they cheat.

Stay sharp and trust your gut.