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Just for contrast, my WH carried on his affair while my father was dying. Over the course of the affair, I worked full-time but still traveled every six weeks or so cross-country to help out with my dad. He and his AP used my frequent absences to facilitate their affair, significantly adding to the pain when I found out (and doubly so because the AP pretended to be my friend as well). Soon after D-day, though, my WH became mortified by all that he had done. That lurve bubble of delusions broke very fast for him.

Soon after D-day, he apologized to everyone for what he had done to me during that time -- my closest sibling who was the only one who knew about the A, our neighbors and friends, his parents. When my father died two months after D-day, he was ashamed anew at his behavior (this was 18 months ago). And then earlier this year, my WH's grandfather died. Grandpa was a loyal and loving husband to his often-difficult wife of many decades. She divorced him at one point, but when she fell ill, he took her back immediately, and took care of her until his last days. When my WH heard the news by phone and told me that Grandpa was gone, he was so upset and I immediately comforted him. He broke down again that I was so good to him when he knew he was not very good to me during the death of my dad. And that he knew he had failed to live up to his Grandpa's example.

I think there are two flavors of waywards -- narcissists and those who have are conflict-avoidant and have low self-esteem. Your WH is among the former, and will probably never demonstrate remorse. The latter may, though both types are singularly selfish and eager to believe anything that facilitates that selfishness before, during, and sometimes long after the A. I'm glad that you're so clear-eyed about things, and that you're drawing strength every day. Keep up the good fight, MBB.

MBB,

Killing as a fighting style sounds like me too!

I used to think I should kill people with kindness, even after the first affair.

I always maintained a semblance of the sweet, kind ME

Until December 2018, when I learned my WH was hiding a coworker from me, defending it by accusing me of being jealous.

Is it jealousy once you confirm your spouse is a dirty cheater?

No, it’s wisdom. Proven behaviors every time he cheats, or pursues the attention of other women. We DO grow wise to it.

These poor wayward fools, we just get too smart for them.

Those bitch boots look great on you, sister!

And look, MBB. Let things flow. There is no end game with your H or your brother or anyone else. It's simply time to focus on you--your strength, your peace, your healing, your power. You deserve to put your needs front and center for awhile. I love seeing it.

OIN

I am trying to do just that, let things unfold. Time will tell which way things are going to go. I have my moments still where I just want to go somewhere and scream til I have no voice left just to let it out, I'd be lying if I said I'm good with everything. I'm not. But the change is there, the shift in focus onto myself. Should have happened long ago.

I had written individual replies and of course lost it! Ugh! Anyway thank you all for your continued support.

This weekend I am going to put my head down and get my Christmas decorations up. I cannot bring myself to deprive my DS of having his home decorated. He did nothing to hurt me, he shouldn't have to pay the price.

In the past as I would decorate and my home would be transformed, I would listen to The Nutcracker soundtrack as the magic and beauty of the holiday was being displayed. I loved it. Now it causes me pain because as I begin to bring things out, I feel as if things are being transformed back in time to December 2015, and how this journey was just beginning. That I was at the precipice of such heartache and betrayal unknowingly. The memories come flooding back and it's hard. All I have managed to do so far is hang a wreath and some evergreen garland.

But I'll find my Christmas spirit for my son and daughter. I have to. I have to find it for me because something that I loved so much and brought me such joy shouldn't be yet another casualty of my WH's A. He's taken enough from me.

No more.

But I'll find my Christmas spirit for my son and daughter. I have to. I have to find it for me because something that I loved so much and brought me such joy shouldn't be yet another casualty of my WH's A. He's taken enough from me.

No more.

Good for you!

Merry Christmas

(((MalibuBayBreeze))) I am so sorry the loss of your brother and the lack of empathy your WS had. I can all too relate to your post. I have become the same way. There is only so much a person can take before they say no more.

I cannot muster the empathy I used to have for my WS. When he is in pain emotional or otherwise it just doesn't come. I think it is from years and years of getting no empathy from them and then add an A to the mix.

I love hearing that you are putting yourself first now. That is exactly where your focus should be and you do sound strong.

I cannot muster the empathy I used to have for my WS. When he is in pain emotional or otherwise it just doesn't come. I think it is from years and years of getting no empathy from them and then add an A to the mix.

Absolutely! Years of no empathy have left a void. Though I do not think he realizes this.

When I think about it, incident after incident comes to mind. From the small to the more serious. For example....

I had a minor concussion. It was a bizarre injury and yes painful. He told me a couple of days after smacking my head that he's sorry I hit my head, but I really need to stop whining about it.

I asked him to accompany me to the ENT specialist when my right ear felt like it was being stabbed and my throat was incredibly sore. Turns out though I had my tonsils out when I was a child, a tiny piece was left and I had tonsillitis. He called me a drama queen when I was complaining about the pain.

When I was 7 months pregnant with our son I had gotten on my knees to clean something off the kitchen floor knowing he would yell if he saw a mark on the floor he put down. When I went to get up there was a sharp pain in my back and I fell back to the floor crying. He was getting ready for work and grumbled when he asked what was wrong. He picked me up off the floor and put me on the couch and yelled for my daughter to come help me with my shoes when I insisted on going to the doctor. Ummm, a normal husband whose 7 month pregnant wife is crying and on the floor would panic thinking it was something with the baby. Not my husband. Two weeks later some idiot ran a stop sign and hit my car and I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Two days later, when I could not lay down due to my ribs being bruised, he screamed at me to come down to the basement to help put the dog in the carrier to go to the vet.

He was cracking jokes with the ER staff when I was going into septic shock. No he did not know that was what was happening specifically but it was very apparent it was serious. He was in the A at to he time and my life wasn't enough to make him end it. When I came home I was plopped on the couch. The house was a mess, my bed unmade as I had left it. No flowers. Nothing. Then he thought it was funny to play the theme song from Welcome Back Kotter. Because that's what you do when you're a cheating POS and your wife survived a trip through hell. Within weeks he was yelling at me. I guess my recovery wasn't quick enough for his liking. Interfered with his fuckfest I suppose.

This is a small, and I mean SMALL example of how I have been treated.

I guess him texting how I was and bringing me Advil after my cats caused me to fall off my bed the other night is an improvement. You know what, as I write this and think of other things that have happened to me since marrying him, my luck has not been the best. Shocker! Wait, it started right before. Three weeks before our wedding on my way home from work someone turned into my car as I drove through an intersection. Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. Fucking up the scenery, breaking my mind..... As the song says.

Guys, YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. So when I say I am changing and tooting my horn, there's a reason. I don't mean to diminish anyone else's progress, but I think many here would have tossed a spouse like this to the curb long ago. This is why the need for introspection is so important for me, and every step of growth is huge. It's why when I now open my mouth and stand up for myself it feels amazing.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 3:29 PM, December 7th (Friday)]

Oh my! Your paragraph about being an employee and us being props is right on. In MC our therapist told my H he speaks to me like one of his employees. He is a successful boss/manager. He used to tell me ‘go figure it out for yourself’. ‘Suck it up buttercup’. My H admitted that is how he spoke to his staff. He once told me to go ‘do my job’ by getting my son ready for soccer. Now let me tell you that I am more educated and have my own career. I told my MC that if I was employee then I was a bad one that he couldn’t fire: I didn’t usually listen!

My H can also relate to people at am arms distance or even in a movie but not to those close to him. His IC told me that he has intimacy issues and real life is too close or something. He has no empathy I don’t care how much they have tried to teach him this over the last year plus. MC suggested that he didn’t learn it as a child. He said I could help him as I am clearly am an empathetic person. I told him if I haven’t taught him anything in 17 years I don’t know that I can. I don’t know why empathy is so hard for him or just why he is incapable.

You know what

Its time for you not give a fuck about anything

Be a cold blooded boss

I would tell WH to go by himself and do someting for me

Fuck it is the best policy

I don’t know why empathy is so hard for him or just why he is incapable.

Empathy for anyone or just you?

I see my WH display empathy but when dealing with the mindset of a narc, you question it even when you witness it. Is it genuine or for show? Because they are all about the show. If it weren't something I was experiencing first hand I would have a hard time believing the characteristics of a narc. It's both fascinating and disturbing, and the more I read or listen to the more things make sense. I almost feel validated. He is charming, smart, funny and popular. I met that side and it was those traits and more that hooked me. Those rose colored glasses were on good and they had Coke bottle lenses.

max2018

Fuck it is the best policy

The contact photo I use for my WH on my phone is a photo of an open book with calligraphy style writing and it says "New Plan, Fuck It.." I've had it set that way since DDay.