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Ladies ( both BW and WW ) ... what would you tell a BH trying to get over the sexual insecurities caused by his wife's affair ?

Im not a lady, but really. Does it matter? Ive caught my WW in lies, Ive read what she said. Shes claimed honesty about somr things like im the best shes ever had and she only wanted me...

But did she? For 5 months she never said no. She gave me sloppy seconds or nothing at all. She craved him. Sex with him. Him touch.

Even if you got an answer, would it help or would you ever believe it?

I am asking a question to the women on this website not my wife

I would say that you need to realize or come to terms thatvhe Affair never had anything to do with you.

Second you should know that the OM (other man) was nothing special. By that I mean he was there and available. He could have been any number of random guys. If it wasn’t him it would have been someone else.

I survived my H’s last mid life crisis Affair with a much much younger woman. I was devastated when he wanted a D. In fact for 6 months I heard “I want a D” from him many times. The day I found out he had continued cheating while I thought we were reconciling was the last straw.

I very calmly told him I couldn’t live like this any longer and I no longer had anything left and I was D him. Emotionally I was depleted. Guess what?! He suddenly no longer wants a D. He’s bending over backwards to make amends.

And the OW was no longer a cause fur concern. When he literally ended it with her - she figured it really wasn’t over. And she emailed him again trying to resume the Affair for a third time. He ghosted her.

So the OW/Affair Partner wasn’t all that yet 30 days prior he was leaving me fur her.

And just know the Affair is FantasyLand. There are no bills or careers or kids or illnesses or stress or laundry involved. It is not real. The cheaters lie to each other (and themselves).

An Affair is like a crush on a movie star. The movie star is the illusion of who you believe they are. Not who they really are.

Your husbands AP may have been prettier, younger, in better shape, higher paid, etc. However, she is among the weakest of the species. If she didn’t know about your existence, she was still on the hunt for something based largely on sex. Probably to fill a void. If she knew about your marriage and proceeded to carry on an affair with your husband, she drops down a level to scum I wouldn’t scrape off my shoe.

The fact is, it’s never about you. Spouses cheat because of something broken inside of them. Shiny new things are attractive to children.

I would tell the BH that her affair had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her brokenness.

You can look like Gerard Butler in 300 and it wouldn't matter because your WW is broken inside.

My latest wayward has ED from his BP meds, so we've never had actual sex. That doesn't mean he isn't a wayward.

Be kind to yourself.

The OM was simply the person who showed up for the job ... there really wasn’t anything special about him other than his willingness to participate.

As others have said, the A had nothing to do with you and everything to do with a void inside the WS.

Remorseful waywards that post on here will say that over and over ... it’s not about you being a terrible spouse, or not loving them enough, or giving them enough sex ... it’s about them trying to fill up an emptiness inside of them.

[This message edited by Zamboni at 11:01 AM, December 10th (Monday)]

Thank you for responding everyone.

I was actually more concerned about the comparison. Was sex more exciting with him? Did she find him more attractive than me? Did she orgasm more with him? Did she orgasm from penetration with him which is very rare with me? Did he have a bigger penis than mine? Did she like his penis more than mine? Did she desire him more than me? These are the kinds of questions that drive me crazy.

I don't know if you've already tried, but over in the I Can Relate forum, there's a thread for BS to ask Waywards questions. You might get the responses you're looking for there.

As for my opinion, I guess I would require the words of reassurance, recalled memories of the best sex ever between us talked about, followed by regular, passionate, hot monkey sex.

The truth.

I am sorry for your pain.

What I would say to you is that it’s not you. She is messed up. You could be perfect and it would not matter. She most likely enjoyed the attention he showed her. That’s is how he got her in bed. Not by showing her a big penis. Most cheaters lack boundaries and love attention.

ibonnie does that mean your BS compared well to your AP and the truth would reassure him?

Look, you are what you are. If you get your sense of self from comparisons, there will always be someone better than you.

If you accept yourself, the comparisons don't matter.

My recommendation is this:

Find a good IC, take yourself apart, and put yourself back together with his/her help.

Start today.

Sisoon I dont know what you mean. I am concerned my wife enjoyed sex more with her affair partner than me because she will always view me as less than him sexually. She may also miss the sex with him or continue to desire him more than me.

[This message edited by LoveGolf at 11:39 AM, December 10th (Monday)]

ibonnie does that mean your BS compared well to your AP and the truth would reassure him?

Sorry for the confusion. To clarify, I'm a BW.

Ladies ( both BW and WW ) ... what would you tell a BH trying to get over the sexual insecurities caused by his wife's affair ?

I meant no more trickle truthing, no downplaying anything, no omissions, no stonewalling. Just the truth, whatever it may be.

I'm not sure that there's an answer for you because everyone's sexuality is different and what makes one person insecure might not another. And, more importantly, at least in my humble opinion, is we all have different emotional investment in sex; for me, the emotional connection is the biggest thing, how we get to the big moment is not as important. I mean, face it, there are a kazillion ways to get there with all types, kinds and sizes of equipment. For many women, at least in my view, the emotional component is key and that's all in the heart and the head.

That said, from what I've read and heard, affair sex is pretty exciting just by virtue of being the forbidden fruit, the thrill of getting away with something naughty, the notion that someone desires you enough to risk everything. But when you break that down, it's really not about the sex at all and all about the thrill, the excitement, the attempt to fill a void inside themselves.

So you can't compete with any of that. The best thing you can do is read the healing Library and talk to a trusted friend or counselor and explore your feelings of insecurity because it is all mental and therefore, your brain is controlling those feelings and so it's your brain that has to change that signal. Easier said than done, I know, but I'm saying that to point out that it's inside you and that you have the control over it, not her.

But I'll leave you with one last thought. If you were looking for the thrill of a lifetime, let's say riding the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster, would it be more thrilling to do it while high or while not high? A WS is seeking a thrill in many cases and so it makes a certain amount of logical sense that it would be more of a thrill if it's the forbidden type or with someone new, etc. That's not to excuse it or give it any validity whatsoever; I say it only so you can maybe see it's not about you or your sexual powers at all and all about something lacking in her soul.

josiep you just confirmed my worst fears that sex with my wife's AP was more thrilling or better with her AP than me.

You're going to get a variety of responses, because people are different.

None of their responses applies to yoir situation. You need to ask your wife these questions. Only she can answer them for you.

You sound very much like another member here. He asks the exact same questions, but didn't want to ask his wife. He was hyper focused on the exact same things. Maybe he will post on this thread. Mikefromwisconsin, and sweetcreampie. Look for his previous posts, you will probably get a lot out of them.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:33 PM, December 10th (Monday)]

My WH has sex with a young 21 yr old, when I was 36.

She was better, I’m sure.

Ask me if I give a fuck.

My sex life will never recover. But I love my kids more than I loved fucking. And my sex life is finito.

3YearsOut how do you know sex with his AP was better? Did you ask him? Is he completely remorseful? Some waywards on this website say they look back at disgust with themselves, the AP and their sex life after they became remorseful. My wife is not remorseful. She is cold and distant. How long has it been since Dday for you ?

Also, the best sexual experiences I ever had were with average looking women because of love, chemistry, enthusiasm and kinks not beautiful women.

[This message edited by LoveGolf at 5:52 PM, December 10th (Monday)]