SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellfire nailed it ... I was thinking the same thing!! Same exact questions.

See, here’s the honest truth. Because he went back. It was good enough to forget about me and the kids. Good enough to ruin my life without a thought of me. Whether he quantifies that as her pussy was dipped in gold and mine is nasty with sharp teeth, or whether he says it was mediocre.

The truth is, it was good enough to ruin my life over it and put his dick in front of his kids. So who cares what he says from there on out?

It’s been six years, we are reconciled. But of course no wayward is gonna be like “Yeah dude, his dick was huge and vibrated and had an attached tongue. Or her mouth was the stuff of dreams.”

And who cares? My marriage never was about sex, and it never will be. His loss. No worries, I can find my own clitoris.

My WH has sex with a young 21 yr old, when I was 36.

She was better, I’m sure.

Ask me if I give a fuck.

My sex life will never recover. But I love my kids more than I loved fucking. And my sex life is finito.

Bwhahahaha could I steal this? I feel exactly the way you do just substitute 25 for MOW and 40 for me at the time

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:09 PM, December 10th (Monday)]

Full disclosure- I don’t believe in true remorse. All people are selfish fucks. They just get caught and have to live their lives. And so do I. And divorce just isn’t right for anyone. And I’m not going to be remorseful over that. My life is still better married than single, simply because it’s better with my kids not dealing with some stupid ass 21 yr old stepmother who doesn’t know a thing.

We all make decisions. No shame in my game.

Sure, he’s as remorseful as any other guy that fucks strangers on top of his Hyundai Santa Fe while his pregnant doctor wife supports him being a stay at home dad. He knows he fucked up, and he knows what that bought him.

But 70% of married men fuck around and 50% of married women. I know what I bought, at least.

^^^^ 3yrsout I have to say we think a lot alike

Crazy blindsided, sure you can!

It looks great with the little leaping Santa Claus in his sleigh next to it. Fucking adorable.

This is all starting to feel verrrry familiar.

Ladies ( both BW and WW ) ... what would you tell a BH trying to get over the sexual insecurities caused by his wife's affair ?

Why?

Does your WW somehow possess the sole ability to validate you as to your sexual ability,performance,attitude, and drive?

If your WW was having sex with another man, then your sexual abilities are not anything in question here - at all.

Do you think that if somehow you were “better” at sex with your WW that it would have prevented her from doing what she has done?

No, it would not have.

Her “affair” had nothing to do with you - sexually or otherwise.

Her “affair” had nothing to do with your marriage or the sexual aspect of it.

Her reasons for having an “affair” existed solely within her and were there long, long before you ever knew her.

Your happiness, securities, and attitude should never be left in the hands of anyone else but you.

Worried about any comparisons?

Well, you too can also dispose of your integrity, vows, honor, dignity and moral code to go bang some younger, fitter, tighter, firmer woman and leave your wife to wonder the same as you are wondering.

Does that seem appealing to you?

I’ll keep my integrity and honor any day - your wife has permanently destroyed hers.

YOU should be the one who is disgusted here.

After D-day, the thought of sex with my then-WW made me want to wretch.

I never so much as touched that woman ever again - to this day.

I didn’t care if her adultery partner had a 16-inch candy-coated cock.

I’ve had great sex, and not-so-great sex, since divorcing her.

But when I say that, it is not comparing any woman I’ve been with since the divorce to my XWW because she never was the sole determinant of how I saw myself sexually.

And, your WW should not be either.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 4:48 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]

Does your WW somehow possess the sole ability to validate you as to your sexual ability,performance,attitude, and drive?

If you stay married and you don't cheat, then, yes, they do. That's why, IMHO, this is such an important part of healing and recovery for BS's who are hurt significantly by this part of the A. Plenty of people can validate that I'm a good person, more can validate that I'm a good friend to have. Lots of people can tell me I'm handsome, good with a quick joke and a good shoulder to lean on in a crisis. But only one person can validate that I'm a good lover and that's my W. Given that she picked someone else as a lover while also sleeping with me, that's a clear statement (which may not be true, but feels like it is; apparently to a lot of people as this subject comes up often) that "you're not a good enough lover". Because pretty much all the other aspects of an affair can be had elsewhere without having an A. It's sex that's exclusive to the marriage, not talking to the other sex, having the other sex as friends, confiding in the other sex or spending time with other sex.

So yes, sadly, after an A, if the BS doesn't madhatter or D, the only person who can validate their sexual skills/desirability/etc is the WS. That's why, IMHO, it's such an important area of focus for the healing, especially if the BS places a high value on sex.

Rideitout,

But only one person can validate that I'm a good lover and that's my W.

I can't possibly disagree any more strongly with this.

If your perspective of yourself is based on your wife's, much less a wayward wife's, opinions - then you are living in a mental prison in which your W or WW is the guard and warden, yet you entered the cell, locked it, and gave her the key.

No man or woman should ever live their life feeling that someone else determines their value - sexually or otherwise.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 4:37 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]

Love golf,

Your insecurities are very normal. Most of the comments here are from people who have had time to process the infidelity. They are in the advance class, and you can’t get to the advance class without going through the beginners class. The first thing you need to do is tell your wife how you feel. Sex may have been hot with the AP, but it may have been mediocre or filled with guilt. She could feel grossed out by what happened. If sex with AP was any of those things, you got a shortcut to recovery from your sexual insecurities. Don’t assume that sex was beautiful and amazing just because she went back for more. She may have gone back just by the momentum of the affair or because she was high from the attention.

If the sex with the AP was out of this world, and you can stomach it, ask her what made it so irresistible. You want to know to decide if you can reconcile or not. If she enjoyed the secrets and lies, sigh, you have bigger problems than your sexual performance. As everyone said, the problem is her, not what you provided in bed. Let’s say you are totally non responsive and just altogether selfish in bed. A mature response would be to approach you, express what she needs and try different ways to resolve the issue. Never is cheating an acceptable solution. So even if you are a dud, her cheating is still not your fault.

You asked if she will continue to treasure memories with the AP. Maybe. Maybe she treasures sexual memories with boyfriends she had before she met you, too. Somehow you made peace with ex boyfriends. Do you have good memories of an ex girlfriend? Does that mean your wife is horrible in bed. Does that mean you’d rather be married to the women you had memorable sex with? Of course not! We often want to be everything to our spouses, but it is an impossibility. We can’t be familiar and new. We can’t be comfortable and illicit. We can’t make love and be a whore simultaneously. You have to gradually make peace with the fact that you can never be her APs. And that is okay. As a matter of fact, what you have to offer is better than okay. It is her job to convince you of that.

So you lay this mind torture on her lab and tell her to fix it! In the meantime, work on asking yourself if you are a catch in bed. It’s like any other skill, if you are good at it, you know you are good. When an artist creates a piece of art, does he need his wife to tell him it’s better than the neighbor’s painting? No! You know you have a masterpiece. It doesn’t matter what any lousy fool says.

BTW, I disagree that sex with women in their 20s is necessarily better than sex with older women. I may be a little bias here, but young women choosing sex with a man 20 years older are not so balanced psychologically, thus not really attractive.

Bestthing your post was not helpful. It actually made my fears increase.

From what I read here so far a remorseful spouse will look back at their relationship and sex with AP as disgusting and rotten.

josiep you just confirmed my worst fears that sex with my wife's AP was more thrilling or better with her AP than me.

Find a sex therapist. We are not qualified to answer your questions.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 1:02 AM, December 12th (Wednesday)]

Bestthing your post was not helpful. It actually made my fears increase.

Find a sex therapist. We are not qualified to answer your questions.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 1:01 AM, December 12th (Wednesday)]

destroyed1 You comment was not helpful but I expect you understand that.

LiveGolf. I am hoping this helps.

My H had his last (second Affair) 5 years ago. It was an EA turned PA. They both claim there was no sex. I saw it in her emails but I know they kissed and maybe there was no intercourses but there was sexual contact. Ok that’s out of the way.

In any event my H wanted to D me after 25 years of M. Total mid life crisis Affair. Two DDays and too much drama. I finally had enough. I realized I was the only one fighting for our M.

So on DDay2 when he wants a D - I threw in the towel. He then changed his Mind (yet again) except I wasn’t being a yo-yo any longer. I told him I was D him due to his repeated infidelity and choice to continue the A for the past 6 months.

Suddenly out of the blue he no longer wants to D me. He no longer wants the OW. He suddenly decided he wants the marriage. And then I told him he had to leave. He was blindsided by that.

A few hours before that he insisted and demanded a D. We were finished. Over. Done!

Your W may believe she was “in love” with the OM. Until one day she realizes she was just used by him. She was nothing more than a convenience for him. He never loved her. She just thought she did.

Same applies to the sex. She may have thought it was good - until the day comes when she realizes it was all a lie. It was all a charade. None of it was real. Including the sex she thought was “so wonderful” and now she regrets it because it wasn’t real. It want love.

My H’s Affair was never about me. It was about him and his unhappiness. It wasn’t that the OW was better - she was at lest 20 years younger than me. She was single and provided an escape for him. She believed his lies and facade and was an ego boost.

All things a 30 year relationship cannot provide. An Affair is an escape. It’s a Fantasy. It’s not real. My H thought he loved the OW. He was too stupid to realize it was an infatuation only. It was never real.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 2:15 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

Your actions will speak louder than words.

Keptmyword/Rideitout:

But only one person can validate that I'm a good lover and that's my W.

If your perspective of yourself is based on your wife's, much less a wayward wife's, opinions - then you are living in a mental prison in which your W or WW is the guard and warden, yet you entered the cell, locked it, and gave her the key.

No man or woman should ever live their life feeling that someone else determines their value - sexually or otherwise.

I think you guys are talking past each other. It's possible to believe both of these statements at the same time.

One of the vows one makes in getting married is to have sex with the spouse, and only the spouse, for life. Forsaking all others. The universe of your sexual options from that point forward is the wife or Rosie (and some women take the position that too much time with Rosie is a breach of the wedding vows). If your wife chooses to lie to you and sneak around so that she can create opportunities to have sex with another man, most men (myself included) are going to hear those actions as a statement that another man is worth more sexually that the BH is. I know that there are some WW's on here who will tell us until they are blue in the face that this is not the case, and I realize the details matter. But many men -- myself included -- in the face of a long-term PA where the WW had multiple instances of passionate, experimental, high energy sex with the AP, where she injected a large amount of sexual brio into the sex part, will never interpret it any other way.

If you choose to D, then que sera sera. But if the BH stays in the M, the condundrum becomes how do you find your sexual mojo with a woman who has told you that you are her sexual Plan B?

So, yes, one's sense of self worth comes from within. True dat.

Sex is a collaborative endeavor. It requires two. And if one of the two says to her partner: "I don't really value you sexually", then how can the BH meaningfully collaborate with her to have sex?

What if your tennis doubles partner said: "I don't think you are a very good tennis player. I'd rather play doubles with another player." Would you still feel confident being that player's doubles partner? Because in tennis, as in sex, part of good performance is feeling free to go for it. Playing without fear. Difficult to do where your partner has told you outright that she doesn't think you are very good at it.

Bestthing your post was not helpful. It actually made my fears increase.

What was it about Bestthing's response that increased your fear?

From what I read here so far a remorseful spouse will look back at their relationship and sex with AP as disgusting and rotten.

I think you're misreading this. I'd expect a remorseful fWS to think the relationship was sick. I'd also expect an honest fWS to think the sex was pleasurable, if it was pleasurable.

Honesty, honesty, honesty - with yourself and with others.

Lovegolf, You need to deal with your fear of being lousy in bed. You need to deal with your fear of being less good in bed than your W's ap - and not by studying sex techniques.

Are you in IC? If not why not? What are your goals? What have you told your IC about your fears?