SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like such a stereotype – the wife who helped put her spouse through grad school and supported him during his early career only to be cheated on when he finally gets tenure.

I discovered that over a 9-year period my husband has had an affair with another faculty member in his department, an undergraduate student in his class, a former graduate student (who of course came back and took a night school class with him so they could spend more time together) and he has exchanged inappropriate e-mails with at least 2 other former graduate students of his. This is just what I know about. It is so humiliating being the wife of someone who I would consider to be such a POS if he weren’t my husband. I only know because he confessed to the affair to me with the former graduate student when her husband found out and threatened to tell me. Going through his e-mails, after I learned about the grad student, I discovered all of the other relationships.

To make matters worse, because of the academic job market, leaving his job isn’t really an option. He has tenure and would be unlikely to get a tenured job anywhere else (in his field new graduates from Yale are not finding jobs – its that tight). My only realistic option for removing myself from this environment would be to divorce him and move. If we stay together, we have to stay here. That’s why I am so angry – not only did he cheat but he did it with no regards to what our lives would be if I found out. He was so fucking self-centered. He will continue to work with one of his former affair partners and I will have to continue to wonder how many of the people in his department know. He says that no-one does, but I think he’s full of shit. I know that the co-worker he had the affair with told grad students she was sleeping with (she is a piece of work) about her affair with my husband and I would be surprised if the grad students didn’t gossip and if that gossip hasn’t gotten back to his co-workers.

It feels good to get this off my chest.

Every one at the school knows.

He’s an idiot if he thinks otherwise.

You need to be prepared for the potential backlash that could get him fired one day. For inappropriate behavior. For inappropriate sexual contact.

I am sure the university has rules he is violating.

Tell him not to s##t where he eats

Sorry you have to deal with this, if you don't have kids divorce, he's an entitled serial cheater and you will never feel secure about him

Gently, your husband has had three affairs that you know of. So basically he's a serial cheater.

How many more were there?

What's going to make him stop this behavior? Are you willing to stay with him knowing he could easily have another affair?

I agree with the above poster, everyone knows.

Please get yourself tested for STDS asap and find a good counselor who can help you navigate through this sh*t sandwich your husband has fed you.

Please check out the healing library, chock full of information. Additionally, I would consult with several attorneys just to find out what your rights are.

He was so fucking self-centered

And that is the essence of a cheater. One cannot possibly put oneself in that circumstance without saying "Fuck you!" to family.

not only did he cheat but he did it with no regards to what our lives would be if I found out.

At best, you were not a consideration before, during, or after the A. At worst, he did so in spite of such consideration.

I agree with previous opinions. You are dealing with a serial cheater, an animal so void of empathy for your plight that he allows himself the pleasure to which he is entitled.

I'm so sorry you're here. Your priority is you, at this point. Get checked for STDs, since protection is outside the realm of the cheater's fantasy. Are any of the APs married? The BOS should be informed immediately, without WH's foreknowledge.

Make appointments with an attorney and a counselor (IC, not MC).

Best of luck. Keep posting. You've stumbledd across your best resource...right here.

I found out that the husband of the co-worker that he had the affair with actually did find out they were sleeping together at the time. It was 9 years ago they stopped (maybe). The co-worker got divorced but the husband didn't tell me. I wish he had because it would have either stopped the cheating then or I would have moved on sooner. I feel like 10 years of my life have been ruined. The irony is I didn't see her as a threat at all to our marriage until after she got divorced, but their affair was at its heaviest while she was still married.

We do have kids and have been married for almost 25 years. This really sucks.

(((Babbette)))

You are right it does suck.

He is extremely selfish, and even if he committed to doing what is right and getting help, I would be highly doubtful that he will truly fix himself.

I would encourage you to see an attorney, find out your rights, his obligations and so forth.

See your Dr and get fully STD testing and for goodness sakes do not have any more sex with him. College campuses are renowned for being some of the highest concentrations of STD's in communities.

IF you are struggling with eating, and sleeping talk to your dr about that as well. Many of us benefited from some pharmaceutical support in the early days of our personal recovery. There is no shame for you to bear here.

He did this without your knowledge and consent.

He chose repeatedly to have inappropriate relationships. This is not because you aren't a good wife. This is because he is a broken person and was only concerned about his wants.

You will find tons of great people here and we will support you and offer great advice in hopes you can avoid some of the same mistakes we made, and help you navigate this shitstorm you have walked into.

Check out the library upper left side. Tons of great insights, and helpful info.

((((And Strength)))

Are you financially dependent on him?

Do you guys have kids?

Do you have solid evidence that would hold up in court that he had an affair with a student(s) while they took his class ... or a COW?

Save the evidence where he can't access it.

What is he doing to make you feel safe that he will never cheat again?

What has he done to show he realizes the pain he caused you?

Has he provided a time line?

Does he teach at a public or private university?

Babette,

So sorry. Just to let you know, there is a small handful of stereotypes that we all mostly fit into. My now XWW met her AP in AA - classic and corny.

And yeah, it's always with no regards to the consequences. It's always self-centered, that's kind of the pre-requisite.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but I'm encouraged by your focused anger. That seems pretty healthy.

No specific advice beyond the Healing Library, but your first task may be to figure out what you are and aren't willing to put up with. Once you figure that out, you will have regained much of the power he has taken from you. Then you can start calling some shots.

Don't let him dictate the healing process. If he does, it will involve token contrition, rug sweeping, excuses and victim blaming. He needs to do a whole lot of work if he wants to be considered worthy of you. And you may decide that's not good enough.

Strength.

Thanks to all of you. I am a little past the immediate crisis, I didn't know about this site at first. But I haven't been able to talk to anyone either. I am trying not to make plans yet (except getting my financial stuff in order so I have options - fortunately I am not dependent on him for information about our financial situation, I do our taxes). I am not excusing his behavior, but we also have a long history and kids. To the best of my knowledge he is not currently having an affair. I always thought we had a good marriage. This is the last thing I ever would have expected.

My father was a sketchy professor, like your husband, and cheated on my mother for who knows how long. I think the university environment leads to a tremendous amount of infidelity.

My mother remained married for five years after finding out and finally divorced him when my younger sister turned 18. Just so you know, it was not very pleasant as a child growing up in that situation.

Unfortunately I married a serial cheater myself and am still dealing with the consequences of that decision, but I’m handling it very differently with my children than my parents did. Hopefully their lives will not be as negatively impacted.

If you don’t have children, consider yourself fortunate, and run for the hills.

Babette, whether this marriage can survive or not is unfortunately going to rest fully on your WH. Is he open and honest about the As? Has he given you transparency with all of his devices, social media, email, etc.? Will he agree to reasonable boundaries such as not spending 1-on-1 time with student, passing off duties like that to TAs if he has them, no correspondence outside of work hours, etc.? Does he allow you to talk about the A without anger and defensiveness? Is he willing to get IC and MC?

If the answer to even one of those questions is no, R is very difficult or damn near impossible. He needs to be giving you 110% commitment, patience, and understanding for this to even have a chance at working. If he's not, keep getting those ducks in a row and check out the 180.

I think you will feel just a little more in control (and perhaps better) if you develop a long term plan that will enable you to get out of infidelity (if and when you choose to).

Unfortunately, it sounds like your WH has not experienced any consequences for his infidelity. Academia is full of opportunity to cheat for someone with weak boundaries.

My son is a professor and he's hit on all the time by students, research assistants, and fellow faculty. Plus active researchers frequently travel to conferences where they do a lot of drinking. It's a small world for researchers and they all get to know one another. And the more they publish the more social invites they receive at conferences. The drinking starts with a group and thins out during the evening.

Plan:

- develop financial independence

- know your legal rights

- invest in yourself (add job skills, hobbies and gym time - and new trendy clothes)

- accumulate and save solid proof/evidence that will destroy his reputation/career if he repeats or fails to agree to a favorable settlement

- IC for yourself

Babette, please consider revising your ability to see the border between you and your husband. It will teach you not to try to solve HIS problems but live YOUR life instead. You are not his mother and not him to think about his career perspectives in case he loses his tenured status.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 8:49 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand your embarrassment. All those university functions, and the feeling as if everyone must have been talking behind your back. Yet is sounds as if you want to stay married, or at least for now. I applaud you. Even though you are hurt, you are not vindictive.

Which runs against human nature. Perhaps you might want to consider counseling. I hope that he will join you.

Thank you all for your support. Unfortunately or fortunately details about his affairs have trickled out slowly (which I am learning is the norm). So I am both just finding out but also have been in it for a little while. We started with it being one affair which occurred during a particularly stressful time in our marriage - so I was really hurt, but not shocked and tried to be as understanding as I could be given my pain. However I have since discovered as I dig into my WHs computer that this affair was just the most recent in a long string of affairs - which largely resulted in breaking down our marriage.

I am really sick of reading websites that indicate that when there is an affair in a marriage that both parties are to blame. I thought that at first, but have decided that no, sometimes people are just really selfish and make fucked-up decisions. The only way a person can continue to live a double life like my WH did is to convince oneself that the partner you are cheating on doesn't care, wouldn't care or doesn't understand you like your AP. Then you start finding things in your home life that support this viewpoint. You notice when I don't want to watch a tv show with you that your AP and you both love, but you don't notice that I get up and make you coffee every morning or encourage you to take a day for yourself to go fishing because you seem stressed (or you read into my being fine with you taking a weekend to yourself to go into the City that that I am looking to not be with you rather than reading it as I meant it that I am trying to give you time to do something that makes you happy because you work so hard)

Could I have communicated my needs better? Sure. Were we in the parenting/career phase of our marriage and didn't do enough to keep the romance alive? Sure. But it is, I think, incredibly immature and unrealistic to think that your daily life partner is going to be able to go to work, be a loving parent, be a supportive spouse, maintain the household and be as exciting as the no-strings fantasy you are fucking in your office, sexting and writing long emails about poems, tv shows and how special you both are.

I have given myself until my child finishes school to make a final decision stay or go. My WH is very remorseful and to the best of my knowledge not currently in an affair. We do have a long history and always have gotten along well, up until the last couple of years. We also have kids. I was starting to lose patience with his lack of support for me when our careers were more stable, our kids were older but things weren't getting better between us. I never suspected an affair. I just thought he was a workaholic (which he is and always has been).

Sorry for the rant. I will move out of this forum I think. I don't have as exciting details as the Christmas Party Thread. At this point I think it will just be a daily slog.

Babette, let me tell you one thing that you won't like to hear: you are struggling now not because you are married to a scumbag, but because you accept for yourself to stay. If you want things to change, step out of this zombie marriage. You can be happy, and healthy, and loving and loved rather being a codependent wreck who is waiting for a miracle to happen. It will never happen.

I am sorry.

Beyond being a serial philanderer, your husband is a predatory abuser of young women, exploiting his position of power, it is very arrogant behaviour that assumes he can get away with it.

Which he may well do, as you both seem to have assumed that you will stay together and he will stay in his tenured post.

I really do feel that a good 180 will greatly help you refocus your mind onto you, and will also I hope have a by product of beginning to corrode his self complacency, he sure needs knocked off that complacent perch.

Especially as there are no consequences currently for his philandering ways, so why should he change them?